Cinema Duces Tecum

Double Van Dammage

The Cinema Duces Tecum goes full splits as they dive crotch-first into the 1991 Jean-Claude Van Damme twin-sanity, Double Impact—a movie that dares to ask, “What if one JCVD isn’t enough… and two is borderline unwatchable?” One is slick, the other is greasy. One wears silk underwear. The other probably hasn’t worn underwear since Reagan was in office. Together, they team up to avenge their murdered parents, reclaim the family fortune, and possibly invent new forms of emotional trauma. As the crew unpacks this sweat-soaked action fever dream, important legal and philosophical questions emerge: * Does one’s silk underwear wardrobe count as admissible character evidence—or fashion over substance? * Is running an evil syndicate from the “Climax Club” fraudulent business practice or just shameful branding? * When Alex and Chad infiltrate with a rigged Cognac box—does that count as diplomatic gift-giving or terrorism in the first degree? * Bolo Yeung’s character: mentor or metaphor for toxic masculinity? And does flexing count as emotional development? In classic Cinema Duces Tecum fashion, the episode ends in a mock trial—and this time, justice pulls a double split. Next up: the crew locks itself behind bars with JCVD’s Death Warrant, where prison corruption runs deep, the plot makes parole early, and one man’s roundhouse kick might just fix the system.

FGF: Daddy, would you like some jail time?

In this week’s episode, the Cinema Duces Tecum team makes a catastrophic error in judgment: they watch Freddy Got Fingered. Of their own volition. On purpose. What unfolds is less a film discussion and more a four-way group therapy session hosted inside a flaming porta-potty. Tom Green’s infamous 2001 comedy—which critics called everything from “offensive” to “evidence of a cultural collapse”—is dissected, defended, and occasionally prosecuted in a court of law that exists only in our minds. What follows is not a review. It's a forensic autopsy. Among the wreckage: * A debate on whether horse masturbation is “farming, Daddy”, or a criminal act? * A heated disagreement over whether licking an open skateboarding wound counts as first aid or just playground science And of course: did Freddy ever actually get fingered, or was that just emotional projection from a very broken man? In classic Cinema Duces Tecum fashion, things end in mock trial: Eric prosecutes, Peter defends, and we all suffer. Freddy may or may not have gotten fingered. But the rest of us? We’ve definitely been touched. Next Episode: A Jean-Claude Van Damme double feature so muscular it should be illegal: Double Impact and Death Warrant. -Yakwala

Howard El Pato Ep. 2: No more ducking around

This week on the Cinema Duces Tecum Podcast, we return to Cleveland, where ducks are arrested, lasers malfunction catastrophically, and a small, angry waterfowl might be humanity’s last hope — or its greatest mistake. Steven “Sticky Rice” Betz, Peter “Homework Optional” Borruso, James “the House Cat” Bradford, and Eric “El Gallo” Arias plunge deeper into Howard the Duck’s chaotic second half, grappling with: * The tragic transformation of Dr. Walter Jennings into the Dark Overlord, complete with laser eyes, psychic knives, and nuclear plant walk-ins requiring zero security clearance. * Howard’s questionable heroism, as he squawks about constitutional rights, throws away perfectly good weapons, and lets Tim Robbins do all the heavy lifting — while still somehow getting the credit. * The diner standoff at Joe Roma’s Cajun Sushi, where locals attempt to season, pluck, and sauté Howard live on the griddle, forcing him to unleash his deadliest martial art: Quack Fu. * A deep dive into laser ethics, dirty shoe Malort shots, and whether seasoning a feathered duck makes culinary sense without plucking first — plus shocking revelations about Duckworld law, extradition treaties, and intergalactic Miranda rights. Trivia bombs including: Duck Hunt’s timeline controversy, why Howard the Duck was blamed for the creation of Pixar, and whether the real villain here was George Lucas’ mortgage payment. And just when you thought it couldn’t get any weirder, strap in — because next week, we’re trading duck bills for daddy issues with our most controversial pick yet: Freddy Got Fingered (2001).

Howard El Pato Ep.1: Is a space duck a "person"? Do Soak and Pokes still exist? What the duck is going on?

This week on the Cinema Duces Tecum Podcast, we bravely dive beak-first into Howard the Duck—a movie audacious enough to ask: What if Marvel’s cinematic pioneer was a horny, interdimensional duck who inexplicably lands in 1980s Cleveland? Join our elite team of cinematic defenders—Steven “Sticky Rice” Betz, Peter “I go on tangents” Borruso, James “the House Cat” Bradford, and Eric “El Gallo” Arias—as they wade through Howard’s disturbing yet strangely compelling adventures, including: * Howard’s mastery of "Quack Fu," martial arts so impressive it nearly distracts from his troubling wallet contents (seriously, who carries an open condom?). * His questionable career move into managing a seedy spa that makes Vegas look tame. * A bedroom scene that bravely explores the boundaries of interspecies relationships, pushing cinematic discomfort to new, feathery heights. Special highlights include: * Yakwala, the neon-green tribute to Kerbango, featuring Midori Sour, Malort, and bad decisions, as our hosts continue their tragic quest for Malort sponsorship. * Trivia tidbits on which A-list actors wisely dodged voicing Howard, existential ponderings on duck anatomy, and Peter shockingly revealing he actually has webbed feet (yes, it's true). * Spirited debates on whether Howard’s actions constitute crimes and if there's any universe where Howard escaping Cleveland could be considered a happy ending. Tune in for part two, where we'll finally answer the burning questions: Is Howard legally culpable? Will his interspecies romance blossom or crash horribly? And most importantly, who exactly thought making this movie was a good idea? Cinema Duces Tecum: Where justice meets terrible cinema, and everyone's childhood memories are fair game. Yakwala.

Snakes on a Boat: Regurgitations, Horny Documentarians, Jon Voight’s Hiss-terical Accent

This week on the Cinema Duces Tecum Podcast, we bravely dive into the murky depths of Anaconda—a film audacious enough to ask: What if a documentary crew with zero survivalinstincts took on the deadliest predator in the Amazon… and lost to Jon Voight’s accent? And more importantly, how many rewrites can a script survive before it becomes a nature documentary directed by Tommy Wiseau? Our elite team of cinematic public defenders—Stephen “Sticky Rice” Betz, Peter “I go on tangents” Borruso, James “the House Cat” Bradford, and Eric “El Gallo” Arias—brave the swampy nonsense to dissect Anaconda’s most egregious crimes against nature, logic, and acting, including: * Ice Cube losing multiple fights to Jon Voight despite previously defeating Debo. * Owen Wilson believing the Amazon jungle’s primary effect is heightened horniness. * Danny Trejo choosing to battle an Anaconda with his own head rather than his gun. * Jon Voight’s mesmerizing Paraguayan accent and his character’s inexplicable jumping abilities. *  And, naturally, cinema’s most legendary moment: Jon Voight's iconic regurgitated wink. Throughout this episode, we passionately debate whether Anaconda is a forgotten gem or simply a lucky disaster, explore the dubious logic behind snake explosions and questionable survival strategies, and dream up the definitive Anaconda sequel (because the world obviously needs more reptilian thrills). We give special shout-outs to our loyal listeners (Matt from Rochester, we've got you!), navigate the uncomfortable territory of jungle seduction, and finally answer the eternal cinematic question: Is Anaconda secretly brilliant, or just a fever-induced hallucination? 🎬 Next up: By special request, we're diving into Howard the Duck—a movie that asks, “What if Marvel’s first cinematic hero was a horny, interdimensional duck with a jazz band?” Start emotionally preparing now, because we’re about to wade beak-first into the most feathered film ever made. Yakwala.