High Maintenance Mommy

Ego death + spiritual awakenings baby!

Me inviting my grief to the table and saying, “You’re welcome here too.” In this episode I discuss the intense experience of my ego death. Although it was far from a “linear” experience I was (fortunately) able to receive the lessons from the experience. I strongly believe we are spiritual beings having a human experience. Which, to me personally, means that I am going to LEAN IN. This is where my ego played a huge role in that I thought I could truly will it to be different. I thought I could somehow be at this enlightened state of consciousness and be free from any suffering. I, often times, cursed God wondering- “WHY ME?!” Until I realized that as a parent myself, I could never stop my child’s suffering. I could however be there with open arms, compassion, kindness, and love. I came to know that the Diving/ God was with me in all of those moments. How powerful it was to hold space for the pain also, because I believe it is the catalyst for my healing. Now, that is not to say you NEED it to come from a psychedelic experience! That is just how it showed up in my journey, and I’m not going to be sorry about (or for) that. I do touch base on this being an ancient medicine and it is not to be trifled with though! Not trying to dilly dally too much over here, but I would be lying if I said it wasn’t powerful. But it admittedly can feel like a sales pitch nowadays. As if it’s some shiny new car everyone is trying to convince you that you need. For me, it made me realize the spark of the divine within myself was ignored for far too long. The miracle(s) were happening right in front of my eyes, all around me, but I was too egotistical to be reminded of God in those moments. I so badly wanted to believe I had a firm grasp on things- only to stop holding on so tightly. I shattered my entire belief of who I thought I was. It was terrifying. Eye opening. Unbelievable. It was also incredibly beautiful. I encourage to you listen. I am very aware it might sound a bit “woo woo”, and that’s ok. I talk about stripping away all of the “BS” and just getting back to the basics. Inviting that child like nature back in, of knowing very little, but incredibly curious along the way.

MOM MICRODOSED AGAIN

So relieving to discuss this topic. While I want something like this to be more readily available, and be more “mainstream”, I’m not entirely sold on the entire idea. However, it is so helpful, it’s hard not to think about it. Cannabis helps quiet the noise but psilocybin makes you ok with it. Your reactions are just bubbling under the surface, as per usual, yet micro dosing just truly helps you deal with it. It connects the fucking dots so to speak. I go into what my experience looks like, and how I like to describe it to others. This is taking psilocybin with INTENTION. Not attempting to feel intense effects. Just because the propaganda and bad stories you’ve heard make it sound scary- doesn’t mean it is. Dive in with me!!

Raised in survival mode + micro-dosing

Actually knowing that I was raised in survival mode was eye opening. Learning what a dysregulated nervous system is in depth. I could under-react or overreact at any given moment, it happened all the time, and I could never seem to “act right”. That’s what I told myself. Can you just act right? Once I dove into this it all made so much sense. It is definitely more then just relapsing into old behaviors. THEN PSILOCYBIN ENTERS THE CHAT. As someone who has been incredibly open about my mental health struggles, I’ve also been open with my experience on prescription drugs. Too often therapists, or even doctors, wanted to just prescribe me things without getting to root of the problem. Nothing has ever been as effective as micro-dosing. It doesn’t just quiet the noise (which can still be needed, at times) it made me ok with the noise. It connected dots along the way. It was a shower for my soul. I do not need it everyday, and the effects last. No side effects, and an insane amount of clarity. Come along for the ride with me.

Debating- a dying art.

Doesn’t the title just say it all?! It is disheartening that we avoid so many difficult topics. “Don’t talk about religion, politics, or money!” I can’t help but think, “Well, wouldn’t it be better if we COULD talk about these things?” We should be taught that it is possible to discuss hard topics, and a way to do it respectfully. What an idea! The problem is everyone wants to be the expert, or the teacher, and no one is willing to be the student. “The man who knows something knows that he knows nothing at all.” We have also been taught to rush to the finish line (we LOVE instant gratification- don’t we?!) and, most importantly, be the victor. We must win! We must show that we are more intelligent, capable, cunning, and RIGHT! It is sad. Truthfully, there is more to be gained from just shutting up and listening for a moment; rather than eagerly waiting your turn to speak and decimate the opposing side. It takes a lot to shut down your own ego and listen. Particularly when it’s something you don’t want to hear.

Post-partum anxiety

Discussing my journey with post partum anxiety, which I didn’t even know existed. Yay! It was a journey for me. Through therapy, and reaching out to other Moms, I found out I had Post-Partum anxiety. Constantly worried about my child in the worst of ways- to the point that it was extremely unhealthy. I woke up at all hours of the night to make sure she was breathing. I consistently had intrusive thoughts about the safety of places or the lack there of. I’m my mind at least. It was physically and mentally draining and I can’t thank my therapist enough. My partner helped but at a certain point I needed a professional. No shame in that, and you are NOT alone!