The Regulation Revolution

How to Find Confidence in the Unknown

There’s been this ongoing conversation lately between me and one of my co-workers. She is a bit younger than me and is going through that mid-20’s (or maybe always?) low-grade existential crisis. The kind where you stare at your coffee for a little too long and ask yourself:How do I know I’m actually moving forward?How do I feel confident in the decisions I’m making when I can’t fully see where they’re leading me? AM I DOING ANYTHING RIGHT?! Although this is deeply personal, I do believe so many people are silently carrying similar thoughts right now. We want certainty before we take “the” leap.We want proof before we trust ourselves.We want the five-step plan, the guaranteed outcome, the perfectly mapped timeline. But life rarely works like that. SORRY. One of the biggest conversations I have with my clients is around letting go of rigid timelines. Because somewhere along the way, many of us learned to measure our worth by how quickly things happen rather than who we are being while we wait for the thing. If the relationship hasn’t arrived yet.If the career shift feels messy.If healing is taking longer than expected.We automatically assume something is wrong with us. But what if the process itself is the point? One of my favorite Abraham Hicks quotes is: “This is happening for you, not to you.” That quote has carried me through difficult seasons because it reminds me that even the experiences I wouldn’t choose are still shaping me into someone wiser, stronger, and more aware. They have forced me to live with more intention, as well as to never take anything for granted. Most of the time growth isn’t glamorous.Sometimes it looks like realizing what you never want to tolerate again and shifting around that. What the Nervous System Teaches Us About Confidence From a nervous system perspective, our brains are constantly gathering evidence to keep us safe. You touch a hot stove once, your brain remembers:Don’t do that again. The physical connection there is quite simple. It’s why we allow children to get hurt ~safely~. Our words don’t always land, but that experience will. Emotional experiences work similarly. If you’ve experienced disappointment, rejection, instability, or failure, your nervous system may start associating uncertainty with danger. And all your brain wants to do is keep you safe. Which means even positive change can feel threatening to the body. That’s why so many people stay stuck in situations that no longer align with them.Not because they’re lazy.Not because they’re incapable.But because the unknown feels unsafe and your brain would rather keep you tucked away in a space it knows how to handle. Think of it as the devil you know. And when your day-to-day life feels unsatisfying or unclear, it becomes incredibly easy to spiral into the belief that nothing is working. You don’t know what you’re doing. Or everything you are doing is wrong. There are ways to shift our mind around disruption. Your Conscious Mind vs. Your Subconscious Beliefs Your conscious mind holds everything you’ve learned:The expectations.The conditioning.The stories you absorbed from family, culture, school, relationships, and social media. The “shoulds” I call them. It is your programming. But your subconscious mind holds your deeper beliefs about what you think you deserve. And sometimes those two things are completely disconnected. You can consciously want success, love, peace, or confidence while subconsciously believing those things aren’t available to you. That internal disconnect creates resistance, which causes stress, which causes stagnation and no moving forward. Because, remember, your brain struggles to move toward something it doesn’t perceive as safe or possible. Which is why self-talk matters so much more than people realize. And I’m not just talking about affirmations in the mirror. Why Celebrating Yourself Matters One of my clients’ homework assignments this week was incredibly simple, yet some may find very hard to do. At the end of the night, tell yourself: “Well done., _____” And actually believe it. How you believe it is you build evidence. You find three things in the day that you are truly proud of accomplishing. It’s massively important that you give yourself little reminders throughout your life (daily) that you are moving forward and doing the best you can to survive. Not after you hit the massive milestone.Not once your life looks perfect.Not when everyone else validates you first. Now. Because confidence is not built through punishment.It’s built through evidence of safety, consistency, and self-trust. The nervous system responds to repetition. The more often you acknowledge yourself with compassion instead of criticism, the safer it becomes to keep growing. And the less resistance you have to “failing forward” or what I like to call - trying. How to Build Confidence When the Future Feels Unclear 1. Stop treating uncertainty like failure Not knowing what comes next does not mean you are doing life wrong. 2. Look for evidence of growth, not perfection Every experience teaches your nervous system something. Even the painful ones. 3. Pay attention to your internal dialogue Your subconscious is always listening to the way you speak to yourself. 4. Create safety in the present moment Confidence is not always loud. Sometimes it looks like taking the next small step anyway. 5. Celebrate yourself daily You are far more likely to trust yourself when you stop withholding your own approval. Why This Matters Research on neuroplasticity shows that repeated thoughts and behaviors shape neural pathways over time. The way you speak to yourself quite literally impacts how your brain interprets safety, capability, and possibility. Your thoughts become patterns.Patterns become beliefs.Beliefs become behaviors. Which means confidence is not something you magically wake up with one day.It’s something you practice. Maybe confidence isn’t about knowing exactly where you’re going.Maybe it’s about believing you can handle yourself no matter what happens next. This is just another muscle to build, but an important one at that. This is also the stuff I love working with my clients on - so if any of this resonated with you, please reach out and I would love to hear your story! Lots of love, Tia You’d be my bestie if you shared this with people. It’s be even cooler if you subscribed. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit tiadevincenzo.substack.com [https://tiadevincenzo.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1]

When Life Swings from Calm to Chaos

This past weekend was the deep exhale I needed for a while. Friday night run, steak dinner, slow conversations with my husband. Saturday morning looking at multi-families, getting our hands messy in a pottery class I had been dying to try for a while. Sunday was welcomed with another run in our favorite town and coffee from our new cute spots. We finished the weekend with lunch with my mom, a nap on the couch and meal prep finished and in bed by 9 PM. Nothing extravagant, just grounded, connected, and easy after a wild few weeks on my end. When my husband put his head down on Sunday night he said “Wow, I feel rejuvenated.” And then Monday hit. 6 AM I was walking out the door and when I hopped in my car, something felt OFF. Flat tire. We had hit a glass bottle on Saturday less than a mile from my house and didn’t realize it shredded my tire until I left for work on Monday morning. Within an hour, the day truly unraveled. I took my husband’s car for the day and then I got a call saying I needed to come home because he broke the jack trying to fix mine. I had to turn around, call out of work, and rearrange my entire day. And the wild part? Didn’t even panic for a second. What Nervous System Regulation Actually Looks Like in Real Life When I was growing up, I had a tendency to slightly overreact. We all do as you’re trying to navigate the world, learn about yourself and constantly figure out what the bigger picture of life is. My dad coined this term when he saw my tendency to implode. “Our number 1 rule is never panic.” I followed along, but I didn’t always truly get it because when I had my dad backing me up, I didn’t need to panic. He handled everything. Then I got older and I was like fuck. How do I truly NOT panic in situations. Nervous system regulation isn’t about creating a life where nothing goes wrong. It’s about building a body that can hold steady when things do. Because stress isn’t the problem, your capacity to process it is. Years ago, a morning like that would’ve sent me spiraling. It would have created urgent, frantic energy of “everything is falling apart and I need to fix it NOW.” But when you’ve spent time actually learning your body… supporting it… creating intentional calm…You respond differently. Not perfectly. But differently. The Shift: From Reacting to Responding Here’s how I moved through that Monday without tipping into chaos: 1. I got honest about where I was actually needed There was a moment where I tried to make everything work. All the meetings. All the commitments. All my jobs AND fix my tire. But I paused and asked:Where am I essential today and where am I not? OOF. This is where ego comes in. I am not actually NEEDED everywhere all the time. There are many aspects of my life that will function just fine without me there for ONE day. And I know yours will too. Fixing the tire and supporting my home life mattered more than forcing productivity and showing up for my students that day. 2. I stopped treating everything like it was urgent We’ve been conditioned to believe everything is time-sensitive, especially with social media. Well… it’s not. A few things needed attention, yes. But most of it? Could wait until today or even next week. So I communicated with my co-workers and clients, I told people what was going on. And you know what I got back? “Don’t worry about it.” That alone is a reminder:Most of the pressure you feel… isn’t actually coming from other people, it’s coming from your self importance. 3. I respected my human capacity This one is big. There’s this unspoken expectation that we should be able to handle everything, all at once, without dropping a ball. It’s not true. And instead of overriding your body literally telling you to chill out, I let myself acknowledge: This is what today looks like. And that’s enough. You can do a lot in 24 hours. But you don’t have to do everything. According to research from Cleveland Clinic [https://my.clevelandclinic.org/?utm_source=chatgpt.com], chronic stress keeps your body in a prolonged fight-or-flight state, impacting everything from digestion to heart health to emotional regulation to systemic inflammation. This is why nervous system work isn’t a luxury. It’s foundational. Because when your system is constantly activated, even small disruptions feel like emergencies but when you build regulation intentionally - through rest, movement, somatic connection, and self-awareness - you create space between the trigger and your response. And in that space you get your power back. Life is always going to throw a spanner in the mix. Plans will break. Schedules will shift. Things won’t go how you mapped them out. The goal isn’t to control every instance in your life, the goal is to become someone who can move through it without losing yourself completely. Because that’s real stability and how you build confidence in moving forward. If reading the beginning of this gave you anxiety, I have recently opened up 1:1 work. Let’s connect and I would love to hear your story. Lots of love, Tia I understand we don’t need more emails, but if you share this I will love you forever. This one will make us become best friends. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit tiadevincenzo.substack.com [https://tiadevincenzo.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1]

Is Trauma Stored in the Body or Brain?

This morning I watched the internet do what it does best. Pick a side and go to war. A doctor posted that trauma isn’t “stored” in the body, only in the brain.Cue the chaos. (which she was looking for by the way) On one side, people yelling “finally, some science.”On the other, somatic practitioners feeling like their life’s work just got dragged through the mud. Honestly I sat there thinking… yeah, I see both of you. There’s a lot of noise out there in the wellness space and a lot of black and white in a part of the world that is gray. There are people selling surface-level solutions, snake oil, and calling it healing.And there are also people dismissing lived, physical experiences because they don’t fit neatly into a clinical box of what they think is “the way.” Both can exist at the same time. The Real Problem: We Want Certainty Where There Isn’t Any We have overcomplicated everything and turned healing into a checklist of “optimization” routines. Do this.Not that.This is “right.”That is “wrong.” And if you don’t listen to me, you’re going to get stuck in the same loop forever and just miserable until the end of your days. Also pay me $15,000 for a Canva template “Guidebook” please and thank you. We’ve taken nuanced, evolving practices and tried to crown them as the single holy grail to health and how dare you disagree if it didn’t work for you. But your body doesn’t work like that. There is no universal formula for nervous system regulation. What works for me might do absolutely nothing for you. And the thing that saved you, could inhibit me from healing.The second we start speaking in absolutes, we lose the plot. Terrifying? Maybe. But if you zoom out… it’s actually freeing. Because there are an infinite number of possibilities on how you could heal your body and mind. If one thing doesn’t work, you’re not broken forever. It just means you haven’t found your thing yet. Our body is one big science experiment. We just have to keep playing. Brain vs Body: A False Divide The idea that trauma lives only in the brain ignores something pretty obvious: Your body is always in the conversation. Your brain perceives a threat.Your body responds instantly. Muscles tighten.Heart rate spikes.Breath shortens. That’s not theoretical, that’s happening in real time and we don’t even recognize it. Think about those prank videos where someone jumps out from behind a door.The reaction isn’t just mental. It’s explosive, physical and usually a yelp escapes out of someones mouth. Even though your brain will recognize quite quickly that it was a joke and not an actual threat - the body doesn’t always return to baseline just because the threat is gone. The tension and physical response may exist in our body for weeks, even months afterwards. Not because your body is “storing trauma” like a file cabinet but because it hasn’t been shown that it’s safe to let go yet. If you don’t know where to start with somatic understanding - check out this article. [https://substack.com/@tiadevincenzo/p-193072407] What Science Actually Supports In a 2023 interview, Dr. Robert Sapolsky spoke about stress as one of the most damaging long-term forces on the body. Not just the mind. The body. Sapolsky’s work focuses on glucocorticoids [https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC8040328/?utm_source=chatgpt.com] (stress hormones like cortisol) and how they impact the entire system. Stress hormones are essential for survival in the short term, but damaging when they stay elevated too long. Think of it this way - a little stress = good and a lot of stress = bad. This means: * Stress is not just a thought → it’s a chemical cascade * That cascade affects brain and body * And when it becomes chronic, it creates real physical consequences Sapolsky’s research consistently shows that prolonged stress exposure can: * Disrupt immune function * Alter cardiovascular health * Increase muscle tension and inflammation * Damage brain structures like the hippocampus So no, this isn’t just a brain conversation. But he also makes another critical point:You won’t stick to a modality that you don’t like DOING. So if you hate meditation - you won’t do it every day. If you don’t like lifting weights in the Crossfit style - you won’t show up to class three times a week. Which means… Why “One Method” Healing Falls Apart We want the one thing to be THE thing that heals us. The breathwork.The dance.The mindset shift.The protocol. But regulation doesn’t work like a light switch. It’s adaptive and personal to how our body responds. Every new experience may require a different response. And yeah… that can feel exhausting. I finally figured myself out and now I have to do it again? I get that. I have been there SO many times before but this is the part of life we need to build resilience around. There was a time when every setback felt personal. Injuries. Breakups. Stress. It all felt like proof something was wrong with me. I was like WHAT could I possibly be doing so poorly that karma is kicking me down this much. When I was so beaten down I decided I needed to shift my mentality so I made a promise to myself. Every doctor’s appointment became a lesson. Every hard moment became data for how I could improve. Not “why is this happening to me?”But what is this teaching me about how I work? My dad used to say after heartbreak: “The next one will be even better because now you know what you don’t want.” I would come to him crying and be like “this is not helpful” BUT the man had a point. Because now it’s not failure.It’s refinement on my processes. Both Sides Are Missing This When I see the internet go wild, I sometimes imagine myself in the center of it as a mediator. If I could sit both sides down - the doctors and the somatic practitioners - I’d ask two simple questions: To the skeptics:Have you ever danced at a wedding and felt joy ripple through your entire body? To the practitioners:Have you ever had a conversation so deep it literally shifted how you think? We get so black and white that we forget both ways can be so easily accessible to see their point of view. Sometimes you move the body to reach the mind.Sometimes you work with the mind to release the body. It’s not either/or.It’s both. Messy. Nuanced. Human. How to Start Regulating Your Nervous System Not perfectly, just honestly: 1. Get curious, not rigid Notice what actually shifts how you feel - not what you think should. 2. Track your body’s responses Energy, tension, breath, sleep - your body is constantly giving feedback. 3. Experiment without attachment Try things. Keep what works. Drop what doesn’t. 4. Build your own toolkit Movement, stillness, conversation, rest—there’s no single path. The second you believe there’s only one “right” way to heal… You start overriding your own signals. And that’s the exact opposite of regulation. We need less gatekeeping and more curiosity. Less “this is the way” and more “let’s figure out what works for you.” Because your body is a system to understand. I’m opening a limited number of 1:1 sessions where we explore this together your patterns, your responses, your toolkit. Just a conversation to see if it feels aligned and also a moment to connect human to human. There is hope for you, pinky swear. Lots of love, Tia I understand if you don’t want anymore emails but spread the word on how to feel good! This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit tiadevincenzo.substack.com [https://tiadevincenzo.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1]

You Can't Do It All: The Four Burners Theory

I was out with my sister and one of our chosen sisters. The one where we were all raised together by single moms and know every detail of each others lives. This was the kind of dinner where the food becomes irrelevant because the conversation takes over. We hadn’t seen each other since CHRISTMAS because ya know, life. Non sister sister has been going through some health things and my husband asked “Have you heard of the four burner theory?” and I haven’t stopped thinking about our conversation that followed since. So, what is the Four Burners Theory? The Four Burners Theory compares your life to a stove with four burners: * Career * Friends/Family * Relationship * Health The idea is simple but uncomfortable: You can’t run all four burners on high at the same time. We just don’t have the capacity for it as a human. If you try, something will eventually blow, and in human form the thing that blows is you. Sitting there at dinner, I looked around the table. My friend is an epic mom to two littles ones and works full time. My sister is building her own life with an incredibly successful career. I’m running a business, teaching, speaking, creating, trying. And we were all, in our own ways, trying to keep every burner on high. Grateful for our lives but looking for support in one way or another on how to handle the juggling act. Be everything. Show up everywhere. Do it all well. And don’t look tired. And if you’ve ever felt that guilt in the back, the one that whispers “you should be able to handle this” or “why aren’t you grateful for this grind?” you know exactly what I’m talking about. But here’s the truth that landed in my body, not just my brain: It’s not a time management problem. It’s an energy problem. Your nervous system isn’t designed for constant, high-output across every area of your life. When you stretch yourself across too many priorities, your system shifts into stress states. You SORE into fight or flight and eventually a dormant state where it all shuts down. Research on cognitive load shows that the brain performs best when focused on fewer high-priority domains rather than juggling everything at once. So no, you are NOT failing at balance. You’re operating beyond what your system can sustainably hold for long periods of time. [https://substack.com/@tiadevincenzo/p-193072407] How do we work with the four burners? Instead of asking, “How do I do it all?”Start asking, “What actually matters right now?” 1. Identify Your Active Burners Which 1–2 areas of your life need your full attention in this season? If you’re a mom, I would say your family and your romantic relationship. We need to remember why the kids are there in the first place and your relationship impacts them. The reality is, sometimes you have to choose which one of the burners you are going to suck at - even just for a moment. 2. Turn Down the Others (Without Shame) Not forever. Just for now. I am in the season where my rest and restore is not as a long as I would like it to be, and I’m okay with that because I KNOW when I need to input moments of intentional rest. My health is good, could be better, but we are cruising. 3. Communicate Your Capacity Let people in your life know what season you’re in. You do not need to fill your weekends or your day of with social interactions. If someone asks you to go to coffee and your immediate reaction is “Ugh, that’s my one morning off to myself” then I would recommend you schedule it out a month or two. Just say it - MOST people will empathize with you. Disclaimer: you can’t cancel everything though. Reschedule with the intention of showing up in a better mental state. Remember, we can’t become so selfish with our time that we stop showing up for others. 4. Support Your Nervous System Build in regulation practices so your energy can actually sustain what you’re prioritizing. There’s no gold medal for running yourself into the ground trying to prove you can “handle it all.” There is, however, a quiet kind of power in choosing intentionally. In saying:This matters most right now and that’s enough. We are only human. Give yourself some grace and choose which burner you need to turn WAY down. We aren’t meant to go 100% all the time. If you are having trouble with deciding where in your life you need to slow down, this is exactly what I do with my clients. I help them audit their lifestyle and implement ways to start living FULLY again. Your life is meant to be loved. Lots of love, Tia If you don’t subscribe, that’s cool but I will love you forever if you share this! This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit tiadevincenzo.substack.com [https://tiadevincenzo.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1]

Why Nervous System Regulation Matters at Work

I spent last week at a conference full of HR professionals. “Why?” you’re probably asking - well because I am trying my best to get my name out there to help people. And honestly? I was impressed. The people were kind. Thoughtful. You could feel that they genuinely care about employees and the environments they’re shaping. Session after session circled the same themes: connection, communication, conflict resolution. How to speak so people actually listen. How to rebuild trust when it’s broken. How to navigate difficult dynamics without blowing everything up. On paper, it was everything we want more of in the workplace. But I kept having the same thought on repeat in the back of my mind: None of this works if your nervous system is fried. The Missing Piece in Workplace Communication I started talking to people between sessions. And almost every single person hit me with some version of: “I know all of this… I’m just already at capacity.” That right there is the gap. We’re teaching people what to say before their body even feels safe enough to say it. Because connection doesn’t start with words. It starts with regulation. What Happens When You’re Stuck in Stress Mode When your system is under constant stress, your emotional regulation starts to drop offline. Your amygdala, your brain’s threat detector, takes over. It’s fast, reactive, and built to keep you safe, not to help you have thoughtful, nuanced conversations. That’s where your prefrontal cortex, the part responsible for logic, empathy, and decision-making, gets overridden. So even if you know how you want to show up… you can’t exactly access it. And this doesn’t always look explosive. Flipping desks like you see in The Wolf Of Wall Street type rage. Sometimes it looks like: * Shutting down in meetings * Avoiding conversations you know you need to have * Replaying interactions in your head but never actually addressing them (hello 1 am nightmares) * Pulling back instead of leaning in to networking events Emotional isolation is still a stress response. Why “Just Speak Up” Doesn’t Work One of the biggest pieces of advice I kept hearing was:“Speak up even if you feel annoying.” “Keep asking the hard questions.” And I get the intention. I really do. But let’s be honest for a second - Have you ever had to say something that you knew might land wrong? Whether it was in a personal relationship or professional. Ask a question that could trigger someone?Bring something up without having the perfect words? Your body doesn’t interpret that as a casual moment. It reads it as risk. And when your system already feels overwhelmed, that moment can feel like too much. So instead of speaking, you freeze. Or avoid. Or say nothing and then beat yourself up later because you missed an opportunity. That’s not a communication problem.That’s a nervous system problem. How to Support Your Nervous System Before Hard Conversations This is where we shift out of frustration and into something more useful. Because you’re not stuck, you just need a different entry point. 1. Create clarity before the conversation Write down what you need to say. Then write it again. And again. And then in a different way than you have already explained. Push yourself to find multiple ways to express the same thing until it actually feels clear in your body, not just in your head. Clarity reduces perceived threat. Our brains LOVE to be able to predict. 2. Close the “power distance” gap There’s a concept called the power distance gap. Basically, the idea that someone’s title makes them feel untouchable. But the truth is, they’re human too. They miscommunicate. They get things wrong - even iff they don’t want to admit it. But no one is perfect and you NEED to remind yourself of that. This isn’t about losing respect, it’s about removing intimidation so you can show up honestly. 3. Regulate before you communicate Before the conversation, take a minute. Not to rehearse or spiral over the million different possible directions the conversation could go. Just to settle your system. That might look like: * Slowing your breathing * Taking a short walk * Physically shaking out tension * Letting your shoulders drop for the first time all day You don’t need to be perfectly calm. You just need to not be in survival mode to understand the conversation that is being held. You can’t build real connection from a dysregulated state. You can’t access empathy, curiosity, or clear communication when your body is focused on protection. This isn’t a mindset issue. It’s physiology and science. And once you start working with your body instead of against it, everything about how you show up begins to shift. We keep telling people to communicate better without giving them the tools to feel safe enough to do it. This is where frustration, burnout, and silence start to build. When you support the nervous system first, communication stops feeling like a performance and starts becoming something real. So the next time you catch yourself holding back, avoiding, or overthinking what you want to say… Ask yourself this: Is it that I don’t know how to speak… or is my body not ready to be heard? I’ll love you forever if you subscribe. And I get it - we are over emails! Sharing helps me out too. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit tiadevincenzo.substack.com [https://tiadevincenzo.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1]