Healing Myself

Ep. 83: How to observe (not absorb) other people's feelings.

In this episode, we dive into the art of observing other people's feelings without taking them on as our own. Join us as we explore practical strategies for maintaining emotional boundaries in close relationships with family, friends, and partners. Discover the role emotional regulation plays in this process, and get inspired by our hopes for finding real-life ways to practice this approach. Tune in for insightful conversations and tips on how to stay empathetic yet emotionally grounded. WHAT TO LISTEN FOR: Observing not absorbing [1:36] * Being empathetic and supportive without taking on another person's emotions as your own * Therapists suggest supporting loved ones without absorbing their distress, emphasizing that empathy should not involve taking on someone else's sadness or anxiety. * It can be challenging to separate one's own feelings from those of others, especially in close relationships, and there's a tendency to feel responsible for making others feel better. Relearning communication and trust in marriage [10:11] * Scott reflects on how life experiences have made him more guarded in his marriage, withdrawing emotional vulnerability and being more careful with his words. * Recognizing the need to relearn how to support his wife, Shate Hayes, in a safe and non-absorbing manner. * Acknowledging the importance of giving your spouse the space to solve their own problems and be a partner in their marriage. Empathy and boundaries in therapy [17:45] * Discussion on emotion regulation and avoidance in men. * Seeking to balance helping others with maintaining personal boundaries. * The approach to empathy- hearing people's hearts without trying to control their emotions. * The importance of empathy and self-determination in therapy. Navigating personal relationships while maintaining professional boundaries [23:41] * The struggle with navigating close relationships without absorbing others' emotions. * Scott Hayes emphasizes the importance of empathy and understanding in his work as a therapist, particularly when clients make decisions that go against his advice. * The challenge of balancing the need to be productive with the need to be empathetic and supportive, even when clients are not ready for the work required. Navigating emotions and conflicts in a relationship [24:08] * Setting boundaries and seeking help for recurring problems. * Recognizing limitations in providing support and suggesting seeking help from others. * Finding a way to support each other emotionally without judgment or expectations. * The need for validation and redirection in relationships. * Navigating conflicts in relationships, acknowledging the importance of allowing emotions to move through both parties. * The need to navigate emotions without trying to run over them, just like navigating around obstacles on a bike or in a car. THREE WAYS TO SUPPORT OUR MISSION: 1. Rate us on ⁠⁠Apple⁠⁠ [https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/healing-myself/id1533389290] or ⁠⁠Spotify⁠⁠ [https://open.spotify.com/show/53IiOcfD3vaoO8pCKP7kJ5?si=eeb6492f68bb4afa], or follow and subscribe to our channel on ⁠⁠YouTube⁠⁠ [https://www.youtube.com/@healingmyself_first]. 2. Attend an event in the Atlanta area or sponsor someone to attend.* 3. Purchase our ⁠⁠merch⁠⁠ [https://scott-a-hayes.squarespace.com/barz]— there’s a great selection on our website.* *A portion of our proceeds goes towards our therapy fund for Black adults.. TO STAY CONNECTED: 1. ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Spotify Playlist⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ [https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1niTmnBvUNB6zn6DS7kSuE?si=T-Q2CRYgQMWKtaurKvYcdQ] - Music for this moment. 2. Follow @iamshate on ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Instagram⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ [https://www.instagram.com/iamshate/] 3. Follow @scotthayes_lcsw on ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Instagram⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ [https://www.instagram.com/scotthayes_lcsw/] If you'd like either of us to join your next panel or event, please email us at ⁠thelovehaze@gmail.com⁠ [thelovehaze@gmail.com].

Ep. 82: A practical guide to self-care with Dr. Cicely Brathwaite.

Join us for this insightful conversation with special guest, Dr. Cicely Brathwaite–psychologist, consultant, and author of Self-Care Activities for Women: 101 Practical Ways to Slow Down and Reconnect With Yourself [https://a.co/d/08TMmFd]. WHAT TO LISTEN FOR: Focus on Self-Care and Systemic Impacts [4:30] * The realization during the dissertation on African American women that societal messages discourage self-care among welfare recipients. * Concern over cognitive decline observed in family members (grandmother and great aunts) led to exploring health disparities and preventive measures. * Recognition that environments influenced by racism and sexism contribute to health disparities among Black individuals. * Self-care can help mitigate negative systemic impacts. * The role of pleasure and well-being practices in counteracting societal challenges. * Aim to make self-care a legacy for 1 million Black individuals, integrating it into their everyday lives and passing it on to future generations. Importance of Teaching Self-Cares [15:08] * The historical roots of self-care stigma. The negative associations with rest and self-care dating back to times of enslavement. * Reference to how enslaved ancestors were plied with liquor during times of rest, associating leisure with negativity. * Generational differences in attitudes towards self-care, with previous generations focusing more on survival and work ethic. * Cultural and systemic barriers that hinder individuals from prioritizing self-care, such as a 24/7 work culture and internalized programming. * Self-care is a pathway to empowerment, allowing individuals to take control of their health and well-being. * The 3 types of self-care: Regular, Restorative and Responsive.  Embracing Diverse Self-Care Practices and Family Traditions [29:20] * Some coping mechanisms used in the past were effective for their time and circumstances, even if they might not be suitable today. This perspective helps release feelings of judgment towards oneself and others for past behaviors. * The significant role of family-led prayers, has played in maintaining family resilience and well-being. This tradition deserves acknowledgment and respect. * Valuing the tradition of learning and recording family recipes from elders as a way to preserve heritage and strengthen family bonds. * Creating a playlist of songs that evoke joy as a practical and enjoyable self-care activity. This playlist can be used to uplift spirits and maintain positive emotions. * Developing and practicing responses to microaggressions helps manage emotional triggers and maintain composure in challenging situations. * Acknowledging the value of naps as a restorative and necessary form of self-care, Recognizing naps as essential for functioning optimally. Overcoming Resistance and Embracing Growth in Self-Care Practices [35:21] * Revisit unsuccessful activities. Persistence fosters growth and healing through continuous effort. * Understand that the brain resists change due to negativity bias, helping to develop new habits despite discomfort. * Adopt a mindset of trying new activities multiple times to overcome initial discomfort and accurately assess their value. * Embrace all aspects of your personality and interests. Persistence in bringing groups together reflects the importance of integrating all facets of life. THREE WAYS TO SUPPORT OUR MISSION: 1. Rate us on ⁠Apple⁠ [https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/healing-myself/id1533389290] or ⁠Spotify⁠ [https://open.spotify.com/show/53IiOcfD3vaoO8pCKP7kJ5?si=eeb6492f68bb4afa], or follow and subscribe to our channel on ⁠YouTube⁠ [https://www.youtube.com/@healingmyself_first]. 2. Attend an event in the Atlanta area or sponsor someone to attend.* 3. Purchase our ⁠merch⁠ [https://scott-a-hayes.squarespace.com/barz]— there’s a great selection on our website.* *A portion of our proceeds goes towards our therapy fund for Black adults. RESOURCES FROM THIS EPISODE: * Follow on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drcicelybrathwaite/ [https://www.instagram.com/drcicelybrathwaite/] * Schedule a consultation: https://www.cicelybrathwaite.com/ [https://www.cicelybrathwaite.com/%EF%BF%BCCheck] * Check out her books: https://www.cicelybrathwaite.com/books [https://www.cicelybrathwaite.com/books] CHECK IN WITH SCOTT AND SHATÉ:  * Subscribe to our Weekly Word. We’ll send you healing insights from our recent convos, book recommendations, resources, and more to help you heal yourself first: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://healingmyself.co/weeklyword⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ [https://healingmyself.co/weeklyword] * ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Spotify Playlist⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ [https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1niTmnBvUNB6zn6DS7kSuE?si=T-Q2CRYgQMWKtaurKvYcdQ] - Music for this moment. * Follow Us: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Instagram⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ [https://www.instagram.com/healingmyself_first] | ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Facebook⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ [https://www.facebook.com/healingmyself.first] * Follow @iamshate on ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Instagram⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ [https://www.instagram.com/iamshate/]; Follow @scotthayes_lcsw on ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Instagram⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ [https://www.instagram.com/scotthayes_lcsw/] If you or someone you know could find value in the Healing Myself community, please feel free to reach out! You can leave a comment or send us an email at ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠connect@healingmyself.co [connect@healingmyself.co]

Ep. 81: Healing and tequila with friends featuring Brandon Scott.

Join this special convo with Brandon Scott, CEO and Co-Founder of Tequila with Friends [http://www.tequilawithfriends.com/], a Dallas-based tequila brand. After a surprising Type 1 diabetes diagnosis during his first semester of college, Brandon discovered that tequila was the only type of liquor that his body metabolized well. Now 15 years later, he ties some of his fondest moments to tequila and the people around him who’ve supported his journey. WHAT TO LISTEN FOR: Navigating Diagnosis and Acceptance [0:00] * Being diagnosed with type one diabetes during the first day at the University of Texas at Austin.  * The importance of having supportive friends who encourage seeking medical help and providing emotional support during the diagnosis process. *  Navigating misdiagnosis and quickly learning how to manage the condition.  * Humor and coping mechanisms help deal with the challenges of living with diabetes. * Embracing the condition as part of his  life story while refusing to let it define him entirely. Fostering Inclusivity and Support in Communities [14:35] * Normalizing health conditions within communities reduce stigma and ostracization. * Take time to educate oneself and others about managing health conditions. * The significance of offering support and assistance to individuals with health challenges, creates a welcoming and inclusive environment. * Promoting a communal mindset where everyone brings their own "baggage," fostering a sense of understanding and solidarity. The journey of acceptance [19:06] * Frustration and helplessness are reactions when diagnosed with an illness upon diagnosis,  * Taking control of the situation and acknowledging the importance of personal support networks. * Sharing experiences with others and providing encouragement to those facing similar challenges can be helpful.  * The importance of resilience and perseverance through various stages. * Pay attention to your body and seek medical attention when necessary. Nurturing Health with Accountability [33:17] * How to navigate health challenges and grief without shame. * Avoiding deprivation and recognizing it as unsustainable and unrealistic. Focus on balance and self-awareness instead. * Pay attention to how your body responds to alcohol consumption, and consult a doctor if experiencing adverse reactions. * The possibility of alcohol allergies or intolerances if experiencing discomfort after drinking. * Drinking responsibly and in moderation. Pay attention to how you feel during and after consumption, and make adjustments accordingly. THREE WAYS TO SUPPORT OUR MISSION: 1. Rate us on Apple [https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/healing-myself/id1533389290] or Spotify [https://open.spotify.com/show/53IiOcfD3vaoO8pCKP7kJ5?si=eeb6492f68bb4afa], or follow and subscribe to our channel on YouTube [https://www.youtube.com/@healingmyself_first]. 2. Attend an event in the Atlanta area or sponsor someone to attend.* 3. Purchase our merch [https://scott-a-hayes.squarespace.com/barz]— there’s a great selection on our website.* *A portion of our proceeds goes towards our therapy fund for Black adults. RESOURCES FROM THIS EPISODE: * Tequilla with Friends website: https://www.tequilawithfriends.com/ * Follow on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/tequilawithfriends/ * Visit their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/tequilawithfriends/ * Email them at: info@tequilawithfriends.com * Give Brandon a follow on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/brankscott/?hl=en [https://www.instagram.com/brankscott/?hl=en] TO STAY CONNECTED: 1. ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Spotify Playlist⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ [https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1niTmnBvUNB6zn6DS7kSuE?si=T-Q2CRYgQMWKtaurKvYcdQ] - Music for this moment. 2. Follow @iamshate on ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Instagram⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ [https://www.instagram.com/iamshate/] 3. Follow @scotthayes_lcsw on ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Instagram⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ [https://www.instagram.com/scotthayes_lcsw/] If you'd like either of us to join your next panel or event, please email us at ⁠thelovehaze@gmail.com⁠ [thelovehaze@gmail.com].

Ep. 80: God and therapy.

Both God and therapy are essential to any healing journey. For this replay of our first live podcast event, we’re joined by Broderick McBride—intercessor, teacher, and mental health advocate who fully believes that mental health and spirituality go hand-in-hand. Take a listen to discover how they’ve helped him overcome trauma and depression, and practical tips to help you, too. WHAT TO LISTEN FOR: Trauma, grief, and healing through therapy and self-discovery [3:59] * Some relationships with trauma may actually start from the womb. * Finding one's voice and being their own person, creates a safe space for expression despite difficult circumstances. * The power of prayer and having faith in God helps in overcoming trauma. Unlearning harmful beliefs and healing through therapy [16:52] * Inspiring individuals to embrace therapy as a means of fostering self-awareness and personal growth. * Fostering a growth mindset that embraces vulnerability, honesty, and openness in conversations about creates a safe and supportive environment * Urging a shift towards integrating spirituality and therapy to cultivate a more fulfilling life journey. Navigating the Influence of Fathers: Overcoming Perfectionism and Redefining Masculinity [17:09] * Fathers play a significant role in shaping perceptions of masculinity, often instilling a sense of perfectionism and adherence to traditional ideals. * Avoiding therapy due to fear that admitting struggles detracts from success or masculinity. Mental health and Christianity [21:04] * The importance of self-awareness and personal growth through therapy and spiritual practices. * Jesus' teachings show that healing is within us, not in external actions * The importance of self-awareness and personal growth through therapy and spiritual practices. Healing, Boundaries and Relationships [38:14] * Experiences of healing and forgiveness, confronting past traumas and negative emotions. * Setting boundaries in relationships may initially cause friction but will ultimately lead to healing and growth. * We may lose friends and family as we learn to prioritize our own needs in relationships. THREE WAYS TO SUPPORT OUR MISSION: 1. Rate us on ⁠Apple⁠ [https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/healing-myself/id1533389290] or you can follow and subscribe to us on ⁠YouTube⁠ [https://www.youtube.com/@healingmyself_first]  2. Attend an event in the Atlanta area or sponsor someone to attend* 3. Purchase our merch, there’s a lot of selection on our website* *A portion of our proceeds are going towards our therapy fund for Black adults. RESOURCES FROM THIS EPISODE: Follow Broderick on Instagram: @broderick.mcbride Broderick’s Facebook account: https://www.facebook.com/people/Broderick-L-McBride/ [https://www.facebook.com/people/Broderick-L-McBride/] Visit Broderick’s website: https://www.broderickmcbride.com/ [https://www.broderickmcbride.com/] TO STAY CONNECTED: 1. ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Spotify Playlist⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ [https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1niTmnBvUNB6zn6DS7kSuE?si=T-Q2CRYgQMWKtaurKvYcdQ] - Music for this moment. 2. Follow @iamshate on ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Instagram⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ [https://www.instagram.com/iamshate/] 3. Follow @scotthayes_lcsw on ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Instagram⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ [https://www.instagram.com/scotthayes_lcsw/] If you'd like either of us to join your next panel or event, please email us at ⁠thelovehaze@gmail.com⁠ [thelovehaze@gmail.com].

Ep. 79: Man to Woman—What I want the women in my life to know.

We’re always talking man to man, but today’s episode is for the ladies. Join us for a few thoughts for the Black women in our lives from a Black man’s perspective. WHAT TO LISTEN FOR: Mental health and emotional wellness for Black men [4:11] * The importance of creating a safe space for black men to share their experiences and heal * Scott’s story of feeling like a failure as a man, feeling isolated in his struggles, and his journey towards mental wealth * Breaking the stigma surrounding mental health in the Black community. The struggles that men face these days [10:43] * The pressure to be an ideal spouse on social media * The disconnect between marriages on social media vs. marriages in real life  * The idea that there’s only a certain level of happiness that men are allowed to have  Our continual journey towards “learning themselves” [15:47]  * Learning not to love excessively * Setting boundaries  * Having empathy and openness within relationships  * The whole journey of healing is learning ourselves for the first time What men want women to know [21:31] * There’s power in admitting that “I’m still learning myself”  * Getting rid of toxic masculinity * Accepting that men can be emotional * The struggle of “assertive communication” * Balancing love with boundary  Grace with guidance [31:57] * Gathering and talking with people navigating the same journey  * Having a brave space that holds each other accountable  * Choosing to have difficult, honest conversations rather than developing resentment  Biggest lessons around healing as a Black man [39:53] * The answers are not required  * Honor whatever you have—especially when there were moments that you didn’t have any * There is joy to be found and being able to be on the journey If you or someone you know could find value in the Healing Myself community, please feel free to reach out! You can leave a comment or send us an email at thelovehaze@gmail.com [thelovehaze@gmail.com]  THREE WAYS TO SUPPORT OUR MISSION: 1. Rate us on Apple [https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/healing-myself/id1533389290] or you can follow and subscribe to us on YouTube [https://www.youtube.com/@healingmyself_first]  2. Attend an event in the Atlanta area or sponsor someone to attend* 3. Purchase our merch, there’s a lot of selection on our website* *A portion of our proceeds are going towards therapy for Black adults RESOURCES FROM THIS EPISODE: Listen to Out Of My Mind [https://open.spotify.com/track/7C8lGdwc6E17vE2WYNf58X?si=0bc46e2f346e482b], song  by Erykah Badu Listen to It's A Man's World [https://open.spotify.com/track/76p5d8BcoUNIibKjCqOAOg?si=0eefefeaf1ef4940], song by James Brown Listen to Come to the Light [https://open.spotify.com/track/0OjnK0DO9H6uRQjAQm0GUg?si=9e6827b799b64137], song by Jill Scott Listen to Slowly Surely [https://open.spotify.com/track/0HC8gFuUfQklYNM0U53Db6?si=93b05607e3034557], song by Jill Scott TO STAY CONNECTED: 1. ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Spotify Playlist⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ [https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1niTmnBvUNB6zn6DS7kSuE?si=T-Q2CRYgQMWKtaurKvYcdQ] - Music for this moment. 2. Follow @iamshate on ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Instagram⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ [https://www.instagram.com/iamshate/] 3. Follow @scotthayes_lcsw on ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Instagram⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ [https://www.instagram.com/scotthayes_lcsw/] If you'd like either of us to join your next panel or event, please email us at ⁠thelovehaze@gmail.com⁠ [thelovehaze@gmail.com].