Bachelor Massacre

Although we've come to the end of the road, I have no problem letting go. The Zachelor is finally over and the ending was not surprising. But what about those Jess rumors [https://www.usmagazine.com/entertainment/news/bachelor-zach-shallcross-jess-girod-address-dating-theory/]?? Look, I'm just trying to think of something to write, I fucked my back up at the gym. I mean, I'm not any more stoned than usual, I just want to lay down, ok? This episode of Bachelor Massacre covers all sorts of territory, from the cruelty of this season to trusting your gut to brow lamination [https://www.allure.com/story/brow-lamination-trend-photos]. And best of all, for the first time ever, you get all 3 hosts at once. Do it. Do it!!! If you've been riding with us this season, we really appreciate it. Now that this run is over, we would love some feedback! Please write us a review and don't just Zach it up and tell us what we want to hear. Unless you can "really see a future" with us and want to give us a rose. Bon voyage, Waves, Mandy, Scotty, and Sparse Mansion Media

Zach Shallcross is a lucky man. But he is not a smart one. At the very least, he is easily influenced. So it was disappointing to see how royally he ruined Fantasy Suites aka Sex Week by not trusting the process on a show that is CONSTANTLY reminding its participants to trust the process [https://www.reddit.com/r/BachelorNation/comments/lukwyv/trust_the_process/]. We all saw what happened with Clayton ("the worst Bachelor ever" according to some [https://www.thedailybeast.com/obsessed/clayton-echard-is-officially-the-worst-bachelor-ever-after-that-finale]) and it is understandable that Zach wanted to avoid the drama associated with it, but it was not so much what Clayton DID but HOW he did it. Add some guidance from still-married-to-his-finalist former Bachelor Sean Lowe [https://bachelornation.com/2023/01/18/sean-lowe-reveals-if-he-and-catherine-lowe-want-more-kids-plus-their-secret-to-a-strong-marriage/], and you've got one foolish and (sorta) abstinent lead who ends up doing the wrong thing by thinking he is doing the right one. It's hard for me to be truly objective here, because had I been in Zach's position I would have handled things very differently, but this wasn't my journey, it was his, so who am I to say what he should have done. But as my co-host Scotty Boombox [https://www.instagram.com/scottyboombox/] put it, you have to respect privacy in addition to being honest. And as I like to say, you should never make promises you can't keep. And as the universe likes to say: if everyone wants to bang, then bang! This was still the best episode of the season! And while the subject matter creates some serious conversations for me and Scotty, we still manage to have a great time. This is the recap I referred to in the episode ---> #divorceboats [https://www.theringer.com/the-bachelor/2023/3/20/23649333/zach-shallcross-the-bachelor-fantasy-suites-recap]. The Ringer always does a great job, shout out to Lindsay Jones [https://www.theringer.com/authors/lindsay-jones] for cracking me up.

On the last season of Bachelor Massacre, I referred to the Women Tell All as "Week 9" even though it was in the same week as Week 8. Then I called Fantasy Suites "Week 10" ... Was I right? Was I wrong? Does it matter? Ask someone who isn't a Virgo. This season's WTA was pretty standard though it did have some dope moments, from Jess [https://www.instagram.com/jessicagirod/]'s surprising confidence in the hot seat to Greer [https://www.instagram.com/p/CpaiRwcrVLl/]'s seemingly genuine apology [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SdZ4nYZCJrM] to a twerk-filled blooper reel (were those just pre-bloopers or what? Gave *me* some pre-bloop, if you know what I mean ...) Isn't it weird how much the producers invested in Christina Mandrell [https://hollywoodlife.com/feature/who-is-christina-mandrell-the-bachelor-5017733/], only to have it blow up in their face? Like, people were really acting like she was gonna be the next Bachelorette [https://parade.com/tv/is-christina-mandrell-next-bachelorette]. They barely showed her on this episode, minus a rehash of her disrespecting Charity [https://www.instagram.com/charitylawson/], who is actually the next Bachelorette [https://www.hollywoodreporter.com/tv/tv-news/the-bachelorette-charity-lawson-next-lead-zach-shallcross-abc-1235352834/]anyway. And it turns out that Bachelor Fantasy Leagues [https://bracketology.tv/the-bachelor/] really are a thing. This episode features myself and Amanda Quincosa [https://www.linkedin.com/in/amanda-alvarez-corporate-recruiter/]. Next up: SEX WEEK [https://www.thewrap.com/the-bachelor-zach-shallcross-sex-week-nickname/]

Zach is not a hometown hero. He's not really even a hometown homey. If anything, he's hometown hopeless. This is the episode where Zach finally strips away any last shred of respect I may have had for him. Fuck you, Zach. Go home and leave these women to me. The final four women of this season prove, yet again, to be more interesting, emotional, and intelligent than our lead. And Zach proves, yet again, that not only does he have no poker face, he also has no balls, no communication skills, and very little charm when faced with even the slightest pressure. I am still dumbfounded that someone this boring was able to land this gig. From a syrup date to interrogate to hesitate to why bother to wait, these hometown dates will leave you not questioning why the contestants and their families got way more screen time than the Zachelor. So I hope you enjoy myself and Scotty Boombox [https://www.instagram.com/scottyboombox/] hitting his metaphorical knees with our metaphorical tactical batons as we break this episode down. Be sure to check out another episode dropping TOMORROW, when Mandy [https://www.linkedin.com/in/amanda-alvarez-corporate-recruiter/] and I take on the Women Tell All.

Welcome to Budapest, Hungary! The land of paprika and porn and palacsinta. My literal motherland, if only in the sense that my mother was born and raised there. It is indeed a great place to fall in love, certainly more than Tallinn, Estonia. Don't @ me. As my co-host Scotty Boombox [https://www.instagram.com/scottyboombox/] points out, this episode is filled with cruelty. From a torturous "mentalist" date (aka group therapy disguised as a magic show) to Greer [https://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-11828521/The-Bachelor-Zach-Shallcross-sends-home-Greer-Blitzer-returns-having-COVID.html] getting sent home after being led on by the entire production staff, this one is a doozy. Not only that, but Hometowns are on the line! Who made the cut?? (You already know by now anyway because this episode is late af. Don't @ me.) And yes, dear listeners, I realize that in this episode I refer to the Fantasy Suites as involving 4 contestants instead of 3, you know I know the deal, I was just a little tipsy. Don't @ me. Stay tuned for (hopefully) 2 episodes back-2-back: Hometowns with Scotty Boombox and the Women Tell All with Mandy Quincosa [https://www.instagram.com/mandysays/?hl=en].