The Day I Peaked as a Dad

My Eyes Were Working Too Hard

*I’m taking a pause from my series “Managing ADHD in Real Life” so I can get my kids squared away on summer break. Stay tuned for more in the weeks to come and be sure to subscribe so you don’t miss any future posts! I got glasses for the first time about a year ago. I turn 40 this year, and my eyesight seems to be the first thing that’s failing me. Up until the exam, I’d never had any issues with my vision. I’d do the test in the doctor’s office where you look at the progressively smaller letters on the wall, and I’d consistently pass with flying colors. The whole eye-exam experience was completely new, and I have to say, there were parts of it that I DID NOT enjoy. Nobody warned me about the puff of air they shoot into your eyes. That device is sadistic. I scheduled the appointment because I was struggling with eye pain by the end of most days. I would emerge from my office after a long day staring at the computer with eyes that felt like someone was trying to push them out of my head from inside. After the exam, the optometrist indicated that I needed prescription glasses. She explained that my eyes were experiencing strain as a result of having to repeatedly refocus throughout the day. My left eye in particular needed more correction and had to constantly adjust to try and compensate. The need to constantly refocus meant my eyes were doing a lot of extra work. It got me thinking. My eyes were tired because they had to constantly refocus. Reminds me a lot of my ADHD brain. See, the ADHD brain takes in information non-stop. It’s being pulled in countless directions, and when you’re meant to be concentrating on one thing, it can take a tremendous effort to refocus your attention on the task at hand. It’s no wonder that most days I feel wiped out—especially if I’m doing work that’s not particularly interesting or engaging. The demands of the day—a job, a partner, kids, responsibilities, commitments—require a lot of attention and focus. If your brain is wired to follow impulses, instead of staying on task, you end up using a massive amount of energy just doing life. After a full day of constant self-correction, your brain is exhausted. My advice? Cut yourself some slack. Remember that your brain is working so much harder than a lot of the people around you. You may get tired more easily. You may need to take breaks. If you need a moment of rest, don’t feel ashamed. It’s what’s necessary for you and your brain to function at its best. My glasses aren’t about helping me see—they’re about making it so my eyes don’t have to work so hard. I think it’s a lot like ADHD. Sometimes the answer isn’t to push harder, try harder, or focus harder. Sometimes the answer is finding the right support so you don’t have to spend all day refocusing. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit carignanevonpohle.substack.com [https://carignanevonpohle.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1]

Momentum is Your Friend

*This is my second post in a series called Managing ADHD in Real Life. Subscribe so you don’t miss upcoming posts! “It’s all about momentum.” It’s advice a friend with ADHD gave me a few years ago, and it’s been a game-changer. Momentum isn’t just about maintaining forward motion. It’s an approach that focuses on stacking wins so your brain thinks, “Hey, I’m making progress and being productive! I like this!” ADHD brains crave that feeling. But momentum can be fleeting. It’s easy to derail. Small interruptions and distractions can bring it to a screeching halt. That makes it imperative that you take care to protect your momentum and give yourself the best chance to capitalize when you capture it. Here are some things to try. Thanks for reading! This is my second post in a series, so be sure to subscribe for free so you don’t miss any upcoming posts!. Strategies for Building and Maintaining Momentum To-Do List Let’s start simple. Never underestimate the power of checking items off a list. It’s a visual, tangible way to see how much progress you’re making. Your to-do list isn’t a work of art. It doesn’t have to be perfect. It doesn’t have to make sense to anyone but you. If something comes to mind, just write it down! My favorite thing to do? Add a few EASY items to the top of the list so you can check things off right out of the gate. That makes for a happy ADHD brain. Remember, we are stacking wins, so don’t make a task a heavy lift. Remove Distractions This is a big one. If you’re looking to get something done, identify all the things that regularly interrupt you. Public enemy number one is usually smartphones. Stick it in a drawer somewhere or stash it on the other side of the house. The world can wait. Speaking of Distractions, Computers are Distraction Machines Avoid computers if you need to get on a roll. Need the computer to do your work? Turn off Wi-Fi; write with pen and paper; avoid your email if you can; avoid social media (don’t ask me how many times I checked Facebook while writing this piece). When you have to use your computer, try to make it as boring as possible. Just Start My grandpa always used to say, “Let’s do something, even if it’s wrong”, and I think about that a lot. The greatest source of friction is often initiating a task. So, if you remove the need for something to be correct, and you allow yourself to be imperfect, you significantly reduce the friction. Reduced friction means better initiation, and initiation is the first step towards momentum. “Friction” Items What is slowing you down? Make a list. What frequently stands in your way? Is it too many decisions? Poor initial planning? Too much planning? It’s different for everyone. Like I tell my clients, “you are your own internal expert.” As an expert, figure out what works best for you and put it to practice. Visual Clutter Does visual clutter derail you? Is there stuff on your desk, laundry in your home office? Think about where you go to get things done. Is it a space that’s free from things that draw your attention away? What about other work you have to do? Is there a stack of projects that you’ll come across that can distract you? Clean space, clear mind. Avoid Doing Too Much Try to stick to one thing at a time. Trust me when I tell you, trying to multitask will not help your momentum. Time Blocking Set aside time to focus and allow yourself the space to build momentum. If you work in an office, that can be hard because there are so many ways to get distracted. But block the time on your calendar. Don’t schedule anything and respect it. Some people call it focus time. I call it momentum building time. And sure, maybe a chunk of that time will be spent actively building up your momentum at the start, but once you’re moving, you might surprise yourself with what you can accomplish. I get it. It’s hard to just turn your brain on and be productive when you have to be. That’s okay. Providing yourself with the space to be productive will make a difference. Momentum Inhibitors as a Dad (i.e. my kids) If you’ve ever tried to do anything efficiently with children in tow, you know that kids are pretty effective momentum killers. It’s not out of malice. They aren’t intentionally preventing me from getting things done. But man, if they don’t pick the perfect moment to interrupt progress. It’s especially hard to focus when I’m solo-parenting. And when I struggle to focus, I tend to just give up what I’m working on. In truth, I’ve probably exploited that tendency. I let my brain convince me that, if I’m going to get constantly interrupted—and keeping in mind that my goal has always been to follow the path of least resistance—I shouldn’t even try to do things. Don’t be like me. Try to do things, even if you’re guaranteed to get interrupted. I can think of many projects around the house that I’ve avoided doing because I feel like the possibility of being interrupted is enough of a deterrent. I’m working on changing that. Part of that change has been to accept that things aren’t perfect, and I may not complete a project in one go. That makes me twitch a little, but some progress is definitely better than no progress at all. Right? Train your brain to try, even when the circumstances are less than ideal. Did I mention it’s not easy being a parent? Your Version of Momentum Needs to Work for You The moral of the story is, momentum can be your friend. Find ways to get on a roll. Stacking easy wins is a good place to start. Protect the space you need to focus so that you don’t get derailed as easily. It’s not always going to go smoothly. Sometimes real life will get in the way. But if you practice ways to capture momentum—and realize being a parent means it won’t always look perfect—you will discover you can get things done. At the end of the day, it’s all about momentum…on your terms. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit carignanevonpohle.substack.com [https://carignanevonpohle.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1]

Managing Your Energy to Manage Your ADHD

*This is my first post in a series called Managing ADHD in Real Life. Subscribe so you don’t miss upcoming posts! If you have ADHD, you’re likely familiar with the feeling of burnout. Life is piling on, you become overwhelmed, and you can’t snap out of it. You might find yourself sprawled out in your bed, or plopped down on the couch, unable to move, unable to find the motivation to go forward. You’re mentally paralyzed. That’s ADHD burnout. The question is: how do you avoid burnout? It’s not a simple answer. There’s no fool-proof plan to avoid it entirely, but there are strategies that can help. One of the strategies I’ve had success with is figuring out how to manage my energy. Thanks for reading! This is Post #1 in my series Managing ADHD in Real Life. Be sure to subscribe so you don’t miss a thing! Life Comes at You Fast and Your Brain Can’t Keep Up For me, burnout arrived on the scene about a decade ago. In the years before I was diagnosed with ADHD—the years before a career, family, and adulting—it was easy to mange life and stick to a pace that was sustainable. But, as so often happens, my responsibilities increased, and that’s when things started to change. Each year of school added more to my plate. Then, I got my first “real” job. Soon I was in a serious relationship. I got married. And then, the big moment arrived. I woke up one day and I was a dad. In the blink of an eye I was personally responsible for the life of a helpless, pink, mini-human who wasn’t worried about my energy, stress, or mental load. It was around that time that I first experienced burnout. Adult life felt like too much, and I couldn’t figure out why I was so overwhelmed. It’s ultimately what motivated me to pursue an ADHD diagnosis. Life was coming at me fast and I felt completely ill-equipped to keep up. It wasn’t a question of failing to multi-task. It was failing to effectively manage my energy—failing to understand how my executive function was letting me down. If you’re not familiar with the term, executive function “describes a set of cognitive processes and mental skills that help an individual plan, monitor, and successfully execute their goals. The executive functions, as they’re known, include attentional control, working memory, inhibition, and problem-solving.” In people with ADHD there’s a delay in the development of executive function. This means we have to work even harder than neurotypical people to keep up with the requirements of life. All the decisions that you make on a daily basis take a lot of brainpower. An ADHD brain is working overtime to compensate for executive function delays. With each new responsibility that life throws at you, brain capacity is depleted more quickly. The struggle for people with ADHD is: How do you manage life with more asked of you, finite brain capacity, an executive function system that’s working overtime, all while trying to avoid burnout? It’s a tough formula to get right. I haven’t cracked the code, but here’s what I’ve learned. Energy Inventory When was the last time you sat down and really thought about the things that you have to do? I’m not talking about all the things you manage to squeeze into your life. I’m talking about the things that actually have to get done to survive. Being an adult feels like a sunrise to sunset sprint during which you cram in as much as you can before your heads hit the pillow. But when you step back, how much of what you’re doing really has to be done? A lot of it comes down to figuring out what’s necessary and what’s optional. In order to decide, you need to take a pause. This might be one of the hardest things for an ADHD brain, and something that I constantly have to work on with my ADHD Coaching clients. Our brains just want to MOVE FORWARD. No pauses, no brakes. Taking an intentional pause is just not in our nature. Try this: Set aside a few minutes and ask yourself, “what’s required of me?” There are things that you have to do. Work; intentional time spent with wife and kids; fueling your body; getting some movement (yes, I consider this a requirement). Outside of the basic needs for survival a lot of the rest is just window-dressing, and that’s where we tend to get ourselves into trouble. In my experience an ADHD brain’s craving for novelty and variety means that we often don’t know where to stop when it comes to saying yes. Our impulsivity drives us to overcommit in the moment only to pay for it later. Ask yourself: * Is the decision I’m making for me or someone else? * Am I saying “yes” because I’m worried about hurting someone’s feelings?Relationships are important, but remember, only you can protect your energy. * Am I saying “yes” because I haven’t set clear boundaries? * How much real time does this take? For example, are your kids in a lot of sports? That’s great, but did you think about the practice, games, and travel time that’s involved? Are the kids getting as much out of it as it’s taking out of you? If their extracurricular are spreading you thin it might be time to reconsider some commitments. * What am I possibly giving up in order to do this? Maybe you’re sacrificing valuable time to recharge. * Does it deplete my energy or recharge my energy? These are just a few questions you should answer. And I know—establishing boundaries with family can be a minefield. It can be especially difficult when you were brought up to believe that people-pleasing should dictate your actions. Breaking that family norm is not easy. But remember, you’re just establishing boundaries to protect your energy and avoid burnout. It’s not personal. In my experience, people like having me around more when I show up rested and recharged, not hanging on by a thread in the midst of burnout. Decisions Drain Energy After you’ve done your inventory, take a deeper look at all the little decisions you make on a daily basis. How many times are you asking your brain to make a decision? It might seem inconsequential, but the little choices you have to make throughout your day can really add up and take a toll on your executive function. Questions like: * What to eat for breakfast? * What to wear? * What to pack for lunch? * What projects or tasks to prioritize? * To stop for coffee or not? * What to pack for after school sports for the kids? * Did I send the money for my kids field trip? * Who needs to do homework? * Should I attend that network event? * Did that bill get paid? * What to make for dinner? The list only scratches the surface of the decisions you have to make throughout the day. In some cases the executive function required to make decisions is outsourced to partners. But that only means that the neurotypical partner assumes a larger burden—which can cause additional problems—and it doesn’t address the heart of the issue. The challenge becomes, how do you reduce the number of decisions you make during the day? One simple suggestion: create a “morning launch pad”. Designate a specific place for the items you need every day. Think keys, phone, wallet, and sunglasses. The easier it is to find these items, the less time you spend thinking about what you need to grab or have to hunt for items around the house. The late apple founder Steve Jobs famously wore the same outfit every day: black mock turtle neck sweater, jeans, and sneakers. His reasoning? He saved a lot of energy by not having to decide what to wear every morning. I’m not suggesting that everyone empty their closet and wear the same outfit, but it does illustrate my point: the less you have to think about, the smaller the mental load. Kids Have Boundless Energy. They Also Deplete Yours! When I had kids, I never realized that I could love another person so completely while also being so frustrated and overwhelmed by their every action. It’s a feeling only parents can relate to. Having kids takes a lot of executive function. Some mornings it feels like my kids dreamt an endless list of questions that they have to ask me the moment they get up for fear they go through life ignorant and ill-informed. It’s nonstop, and again, when your brain is trying to get everyone out the door in the morning, making sure to remember permission slips and lunches, it’s energy-depleting. I need every ounce of capacity I can get just to start my day. Making decisions that protect your energy and setting appropriate boundaries will ensure you have more capacity. It can also be tempting to try and ensure your kids have everything. For a lot of parents this means scheduling every second of our lives to make sure the kids are in music, sports, playdates. Doing ALL the things has become the new norm. But it comes a cost—both financially and mentally. My wife and I have made a real effort to provide our kids with opportunities, but we’ve been very intentional about creating boundaries, and not overcommitting ourselves. Life’s already busy enough. As an example, we’ve chosen not to do travel sports even though it’s common among families in our community. It’s a decision we’ve made to protect our time and energy. Think about your life right now and ask yourself: What do the decisions and commitments I’ve made mean for my energy and mental load? Setting Yourself Up for Good Energy Usage I once heard someone compare an ADHD brain to a sparkler and a neurotypical brain to a candle. The ADHD brain burns bright, burns with a lot of energy, but burns out quick. The neurotypical brain on the other hand is more consistent and more measured. It emits a steady light and is much less likely to burnout. Those of us with ADHD tend to go in 110%, but that has consequences. It’s not uncommon for ADHDers to try and imitate neurotypical people. It usually doesn’t work. Our brains just aren’t the same and you can waste a lot of time and energy trying to fit the wrong mold. One thing I’ve said to clients over and over is, “You are not neurotypical. Stop trying to live life according to rules and systems taught to you by neurotypical people!” How, then, do you create your own set of rules for your ADHD brain? Here are just a few helpful suggestions: * Utilize visual cues and reminders: Don’t rely solely on your brain for remembering things, it will let you down. * Launch pads: All the things you need daily should live together in the same place. * Homes for things: If you know where it lives it’s easy to find and easy to tidy-up. * Reduce commitments: Do you really need to do [fill in the blank], or is it just your impulse to say “yes” that’s motivating you? * Do a kindnesses for your future self: If you have the time and energy to do things now that will save you time and energy in the future, do them. Future self with thank you. * Establish clear parameters with kids: It can be hard to set routines, but by establishing norms, and clearly communicating your intentions, you can lessen the load of being asked “when can I?” questions every 5 minutes. Recharging Your Energy We’ve talked a lot about ways to protect your energy to avoid burnout. But the other side of the coin is, what are ways you can recharge your energy? For some it may simply be retiring to a quiet place. For other’s, it’s a long walk. You might choose to step away when a moment escalates. Find your way to recharge, take opportunities to be in that space, and DON’T FEEL BAD FOR TAKING THE TIME. There’s a guilt that comes with doing something for yourself—especially if your ADHD saboteur is people pleasing. But the benefit of feeling recharged quickly replaces the feeling of guilt, so take the time you need. Energy levels also change as we get older. I used to consider myself an extrovert. I gained energy from being around groups. Now, I feel like more of an introvert. But in truth, I think it has more to do with life demanding more of my energy. Being in groups used to be how I recharged. Now it’s just one more way I get overwhelmed. It can be hard to admit you’ve changed. But the sooner your figure it out, the sooner you start effectively managing your energy. A Final Thought It’s up to you to manage your energy so you can live the life you want. You need to think about what’s good for you. There are things that have to get done. We all have responsibilities. But there are also things that maybe don’t need to be done—things you’ve added to your plate without realizing how much they deplete your capacity and drain your executive function. With ADHD, it’s easy to follow your impulses and overcommit yourself. But, life already requires so much from your ADHD brain that you can’t let others expectations dictate your decisions. Completely avoiding burnout may not be possible. But, you can make changes that improve your life. And, while some of the changes you make may seem like sacrifices at first, protecting your energy and showing up as the person you want to be is a major win. Thanks for reading! This is the first post in a series so be sure to subscribe so you don’t miss a thing. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit carignanevonpohle.substack.com [https://carignanevonpohle.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1]

Managing ADHD in Real Life

When I was diagnosed with ADHD a few years ago I felt like I needed to re-learn life. Suddenly I was aware of the “why” behind many of my struggles. I began to understand how my brain could alternate between acting like my best friend and my worst enemy. One of the first lessons I learned is that there is no “one size fits all” solution for managing ADHD. Like they say: “If you’ve met one person with ADHD, you’ve met one person with ADHD.” Being a dad with ADHD has presented the biggest challenge. Having kids is ultimately what led me to seek diagnosis. I’d spent more than 30 years cobbling together systems and work-arounds that helped me get by. Then, rather abruptly, all the compensations I’d developed stopped working when my first baby arrived. The playbook just wasn’t the same. That’s a big reason why I started my Substack. I wanted to share my experience so that someone else out there who is late-diagnosed—someone who’s trying to figure out how to be an adult and parent with ADHD—can feel less alone, and learn a few things along the way. Every day offers new lessons. Fulfilling my responsibilities while still trying to grasp how and why my brain works the way it does is a full-time job and a constantly moving target. It’s discouraging at times, but there are strategies that help. Over the coming weeks, I’ll be sharing specific things that have helped me manage my ADHD and show up better as a husband and father. Are these foolproof strategies that magically fix all your problems? No. Do they have the power to improve your life in meaningful ways? Absolutely. Here’s what I’ll cover: * Managing Your Energy to Manage Your ADHD * Momentum Is Your Friend—Also It’s Not * Transitions Are Key * The Domino Effect (The Negative and Positive) * Move Your Damn Body * Place Your Own Mask Before Assisting Others Be sure to hit the subscribe button and follow along so you don’t miss any upcoming posts. At the end of the day I want to be present for my kids, be a good partner to my wife, and stay regulated. These strategies have helped me, and I’m sure they can improve your life too! That’s idea at least. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit carignanevonpohle.substack.com [https://carignanevonpohle.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1]

When My Kids Take the Field, So Do I

Last week I was at my son’s baseball game when I realized something… It’s hard for me to watch my kids play sports. Not because they aren’t athletic or talented (thank goodness they take after their mother). It’s because I can’t help but see myself out there. Somehow, when they step onto the field, a part of me goes with them. And it’s not the part of me that’s confident and athletic. It’s the part of me that’s terrified to mess up. Every misplay, dropped ball, strikeout, stumble, whiff—I have a visceral response. I remember what it was like being that kid out there. I remember the overwhelming fear of failure. It was never about doing my best, showing up, and finding opportunities to improve. It was about avoiding defeat. I didn’t handle failure well. In Little League, if I didn’t reach base, I’d melt down. I’d cry, throw my bat. My emotional dysregulation was on full display. It wasn’t that I got out. It was that failure proved something damning about me—people could see the “real” me. The me that crumbles in the big moment. My self-worth was dependent on my athletic performance. It was a tremendous burden. It wasn’t about participation, it was about validation. Watching my own kids, I worry that they feel the same way. Does my son feel like every eye is on him if he misses a grounder? Does he feel the judgement? Does he question his self-worth? Sports are meant to be fun. I only allowed myself to have fun if I was succeeding. That’s a lesson that I’ve tried hard not to pass on to my kids. There’s so much to be gained from sports—the teamwork, camaraderie, being active. I’m working hard to let my kids live their own experience. I want them to know that failure is inevitable in life. That’s one of the great lessons of sports. How we handle failure is what’s most important. Fortunately, the next generation seems to have it figured out. My kids don’t carry the self-doubt I did. They’re learning how to handle defeat without losing control. If I struck out, I would melt down and throw my bat. If my son strikes out, he calmly walks himself back to the dugout and waits for his next chance. No tears, no tantrums. I’m filled with pride. He’s already so far ahead of where I was at his age. Is it still painful to remember my own experience with sports? Sure. But when I watch my kids, I see them play with a joy I spent years trying to earn. That makes it a whole lot easier to be a spectator…and a dad! This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit carignanevonpohle.substack.com [https://carignanevonpohle.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1]