The Little Signs from Heaven... Are the Big Signs.

Where Did the Money Go?

I am really sharing my most shameful part of what has happened during this most recent "Quiet Hypomanic" episode. All of the money I went through in a few short months .... A major symptom of a Manic or Hypomanic Episode of Bipolar disorder is reckless spending.... this was the first thing that sparked my attention even a few weeks before the Bipolar crash... but once I hit bottom, and I took a good look.... I could not believe what I was seeing. I wasn't sure if this one would be of much interest to everyone... but the point of my podcast now is really just to share all of it ... it was ALWAYS about that, but a lot of my episodes I remember after listening back to them it would be like "OH MY GOD, WHAT AN EPIPHANY!" So ... exciting or not.... I want to be open about what I have just experienced, in the hopes to educate people out there about this illness, and help those that have gone through something like this ... or who IS going through this right now. So... here it is.

The Movie Didn't Live Up to the Trailer.

This was a quick thought as I was trying to come up with a way of describing how it feels to have just experienced almost six months of this "amazing life" and all of the plans and visions and hopes and dreams that felt like they had been "promised." .... And then to realize now ... that during all of that time my brain was in a state that was showing me a lot of things that it would not be able to deliver on .... and that hurts. I think this analogy captures it pretty well ...

My Son Survived Middle School... But it wasn't Easy.

Any parent out there that has had ... or currently has (or even will have) a child in Middle School... you hear about it.... I REMEMBER it myself ... the worst part was the "fights" that used to happen amongst kids that I was friends with ... but for me, no matter how bad the fight, we would make up ... and move on. For my little guy.... unfortunately that didn't happen.. But he Made it ... I recorded this in the hopes that other parents would hear some of these things and realize that not only can the kids not be fair in middle school... but even the teachers and administration can make decisions that will last with your child (and you) for the rest of your life .... let's just say, as hard as it is for me to accept that Parker boy is off to high school.... I am relieved to be closing this chapter. Let me know your thoughts.

Milestones Without Mania.

So now that I am realizing ... during all of these months, as much as I was of course grieving my Father ... and missing him during the big moments ... like Christmas... my Birthday... and Parker's first Soccer Game ... etc. although I felt the grief, and missed him immensely .... I had my dad's voice ... in my head... ALL the time. When I would have a breakdown ... my Dad would be there with a pep talk. Well.... since the day of June 1st ... when the depressive crash hit .... my Dad's voice is gone. I still feel him ... but in a very different way. So in this recording.... I am coming up on my son's 8th grade graduation .... and I am realizing very quickly, that milestones hit different without a touch of hypomania to soften the blow.

A Walk To Remember ...

This was the first time I started recording since the depressive crash ... where I felt like I was coming back to ... "myself." Although in ways, I really am unsure on who "myself" really is anymore. I am still reeling at what has just transpired ... and how this version of my illness is something that is not recognizable to me. Not the "quiet" version of the hypomania ... and certainly not a depressive crash ... with a few deep dark days... and then it lifting so quickly? Either way.... I appreciate all of you who are sticking with me ... and my story... this journey.... this confusion ... because it just makes me feel a little better knowing I am truly not alone in this.