OurVoices with Kristin Kalbli

In this the final episode of the OurVoices Podcast, host Kristin Kalbli shares a little of the wisdom she's accumulated over the years of producing this podcast and over a decade of learning and healing from her own experience in a mixed-orientation marriage. This final episode her gift to you —the loyal and mighty audience — in gratitude for your support, your attention, and your time over the last eight—yes, eight—years.   Stay in touch with Kristin: Her book page: The Mercy Fake (Facebook): https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=61570310436738 Kristin’s Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/kristin.kalbli Instagram: @kristinkalbli Substack: https://substack.com/@kristinkalbli74 [https://substack.com/@kristinkalbli74] YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@kristinkalbli7922 Finding Meaning in the Second Half of Life: How to Finally, Really Grow Up by Jungian analyst James Hollis: https://www.amazon.com/Finding-Meaning-Second-Half-Life/dp/1592402070

In today's episode, Kristin obliges audience members who have wondered when she would finally tell her story. Her friend Angela Tonn, who had a front row seat to the demise of Kristin's marriage, joins her to turn the lens on Kristin and ask her the questions she normally asks other people on this show.  If you'd like to know where to find Kristin, check out the links below: Friend her on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/kristin.kalbli Follow announcements about her book, The Mercy Fake: The Story of One Fake Marriage, Lots of Fake Orgasms, and the Search for What's Real:  https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=61570310436738 Instagram: @kristinkalbli Substack: https://substack.com/@kristinkalbli74 [https://substack.com/@kristinkalbli74] YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@kristinkalbli7922 [https://www.youtube.com/@kristinkalbli7922]

Irina’s discovery of her husband’s sexuality started from accidentally finding a social media account in a locked folder on his phone. Not thinking much of it at first, she enquired him about it, and he burst into tears and said, “I think I am bisexual”. He then shared the account and the rest of his private folder – the contents of which clearly indicated he was attracted to men, as well as women. While feeling betrayed by his withholding such an important piece of information throughout their marriage, she was also impressed by his honesty in sharing his thoughts and emotions during the early weeks and months following the disclosure. She approaches her post-disclosure marriage as a new relationship—one with someone she knows has many good qualities, but whom she is still getting to know.

Today's episode features a presentation of the Minwalla Model of Deceptive Sexuality and Complex Trauma Treatment. In 2006, Dr. Omar Minwalla began to study the signs of Complex Trauma related stress in people whose spouses had committed infidelity. Minwalla’s powerful educational metaphor, the “Secret Sexual Basement”, has made the personal, relational, and sociological abuses that comprise deceptive sexuality accessible to everyone.  By putting the spotlight on the harms of “deceptive sexuality,” Minwalla shows how clinically significant deficits in integrity enable infidelity and can rise to the level of an Integrity Abuse Disorder, which he categorizes as a form of intimate partner abuse.  From here we take Minwalla's model a step further and posit that closeted LGBT+ spouses in mixed orientation marriages have a Secret Sexual Basement of their own. This compartmentalized secret sexual reality not only contains secret sexual behaviors that may or may not be going on, but also contains their hidden or obscured sexual orientation or gender identity. It’s not just that deception is employed to cover infidelity, it’s that, intentional or not, deception may be deployed to cover sexuality itself. In the case of marriage closets, as with infidelity, concealment behaviors, manipulation and deceptive management of straight spouses constitutes patterns of emotional, psychological and relational harm that may give rise to symptoms of complex trauma in straight spouses.  DR. OMAR MINWALLA WEBSITE: https://minwallamodel.com DR. OMAR MINWALLA PODCAST INTERVIEWS Understanding Betrayal with Dr. Omar Minwalla. Part 1 https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/helping-couples-heal-podcast/id1462962051?i=1000465644823 [https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/helping-couples-heal-podcast/id1462962051?i=1000465644823]   Understanding Betrayal with Dr. Omar Minwalla. Part 2 https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/helping-couples-heal-podcast/id1462962051?i=1000469245574   Understanding Betrayal with Dr. Omar Minwalla. Part 3 https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/helping-couples-heal-podcast/id1462962051?i=1000472914618 [https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/helping-couples-heal-podcast/id1462962051?i=1000472914618]   Real Talk About Cheating (Tell Me How You’re Mighty with Chump Lady Tracy Shorn)  https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/tell-me-how-youre-mighty-real-talk-about-cheating/id1703987977 [https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/tell-me-how-youre-mighty-real-talk-about-cheating/id1703987977]   OURVOICES PODCAST EPISODES: Michelle Mays  https://bit.ly/S6Ep13OPOV_YT   Debi Silber https://bit.ly/S4Ep2OPOV_YT   Tracy Shorn https://bit.ly/S6Ep1OPOV_YT   Ryan King https://bit.ly/S4Ep3OPOV_YT   William Dameron https://bit.ly/S2Ep15OPOV_YT   Helen Fitzgibbons https://bit.ly/S2Ep11OPOV_YT

Not only was OurPath Volunteer David Harte surprised to learn his wife was a lesbian, he was surprised that her family already knew she was. “One of her friends told me [my wife] had come out in her early 20’s. That wasn’t accepted by her family at all, hence, when I met her, her family were very encouraging of us getting married and having a child. I didn’t realize they were trying to marry her off.” Ten years later, David has found purpose and healing in paying forward the invaluable support he received from OurPath while in the early days after disclosure.