Episode 27 - When You Do Not Recognise Yourself in an Argument

Episode 27 - When You Do Not Recognise Yourself in an Argument

Dare to Speak: Difficult Conversations That Change Everything EPISODE 27 - When You Do Not Recognise Yourself in an Argument With Multi-Award Winning Divorce Coach - Eve Stanway You are calm at work. Measured. Known for your ability to handle pressure without losing composure. Then you get home, the conversation turns difficult, and something happens that you cannot fully explain. You become someone you do not recognise. Louder than you intended. Repetitive. Rigid. Your partner looks at you differently. Your solicitor has concerns. You look back at what happened and feel genuinely confused. This episode is about that gap. The distance between who you know yourself to be and how you behave when emotional pressure arrives. Richard's Story Richard was not a difficult person. By every external measure he was calm, capable, and emotionally available. At work, colleagues described him as steady under pressure. At home, in conversation with his wife, he became someone he did not recognise. Loud. Repetitive. Impossible to reach. His solicitor had raised concerns. His wife was watching him differently. Richard was not manipulative. He was deregulated. His nervous system had reached its threshold and run out of useful responses. Once he understood that distinction, the work became possible. His story runs through this episode. Not as a cautionary tale. As a map. What Is Actually Happening When someone accuses you of controlling behaviour, the instinct is to defend. To explain. To point out what they are missing about the situation or about you. That instinct almost always makes things worse. Most of the behaviour that looks controlling in a relationship is not strategic or deliberate. It is deregulation. Shouting, repeating the same point, refusing to let something go, dominating the space in a conversation. These are not the actions of a calculating person. They are the actions of someone who has lost access to their more considered self. That does not make the impact on the other person any less real. It does not remove responsibility. What it does is change where the work needs to happen. Where It Comes From For many men, the roots of this deregulation are in childhood. Not necessarily trauma in the clinical sense. More often: an environment where emotional discomfort was not something that got named, explored, or tolerated. Where feeling overwhelmed meant something was wrong with you. Where the options were to push through or shut down. Those patterns do not disappear in adulthood. They go underground. They resurface in the moments when you feel most at risk, when the stakes are high and your usual tools are not working. Recognising this is not an excuse. It is the starting point for changing it. In This Episode Eve walks through how the Listen Speak Lead framework applies to these moments of deregulation, beginning with the first and most important stage: Regulate. You will hear: •        Why deregulation is not the same as toxicity, and why that distinction matters •        How to identify your own early warning signs before a conversation escalates •        The specific language that de-escalates rather than defends •        How to exit and re-enter a difficult conversation with integrity •        What accountability looks like when it is not accompanied by self-destruction •        How Richard changed, and what made that change possible This Matters Legally as Well as Personally For men going through separation or divorce, the stakes are not only relational. Behaviour in conflict situations is observed, documented, and used in proceedings. A solicitor's concern about how you present in an argument is not a minor thing. It has consequences for how you are perceived by a court, by a mediator, by your children. Learning to regulate is not just about becoming a better partner or a better person. In high-conflict separation, it is protective. It is one of the most important practical steps you can take. Change Is Possible Richard was not a lost cause. He was a deregulated man who learned better responses through self-awareness, accountability, and the right support. His relationship improved. His sense of self steadied. The pattern changed because he was willing to look at it honestly. If you are navigating a separation or a high-conflict relationship and you know that your responses in difficult conversations are working against you, this is the episode to start with. The skill is learnable. The pattern is changeable. The work is specific. Find out more about working with Eve at www.evestanway.co.uk. Thank you for listening. If you would like to comment or share a difficult conversation topic for a future podcast, please message me.🫶✨️ [https://www.buzzsprout.com/2566762/fan_mail/new] Connect with Eve Stanway If this episode has resonated with you, the conversation does not have to stop here. Website: www.evestanway.co.uk [http://www.evestanway.co.uk] Email: eve@evestanway.co.uk [eve@evestanway.co.uk] Instagram: @evestanway Facebook: Eve Stanway LinkedIn: Eve Stanway YouTube: @evestanway TikTok: @evestanway Substack: Eve Stanway If you are navigating separation and want to approach it with clarity rather than conflict, visit www.evestanway.co.uk [http://www.evestanway.co.uk/] Dare to Speak: Difficult Conversations That Change Everything is hosted by Eve Stanway, Difficult Conversations Expert and creator of the Listen, Speak, Lead Framework. Eve is the author of Dare to Speak: Navigate Difficult Conversations with Confidence and Clarity, available at www.evestanway.co.uk [http://www.evestanway.co.uk/] Coming September 2026: Dare to Listen: The Hidden Years, Difficult Conversations with Young Adults in Your Life.

Episode 26 - The Grief of the Childhood We Did Not Have

THE GRIEF OF THE CHILDHOOD WE DID NOT HAVE Most grief comes with a name. This kind does not. There is no funeral for the connection that was never quite there. No ceremony for the encouragement that did not come, the safety that was absent, the moments of being truly seen that simply never arrived. Yet the loss is real, and for many people it runs quietly beneath the surface of adult life, shaping how they relate, how they parent, and how they feel about themselves. In this episode, Eve Stanway explores the grief of the childhood we wished we had experienced. Drawing on her work as a psychotherapist, divorce coach and parent, she explains why this particular grief is so often dismissed or misread, and what it costs when it goes unacknowledged. Grief is not a problem to be solved. It is a process that, when allowed to move, creates understanding. This episode examines what that process looks like when the loss was not a single event but an accumulation of what was missing. The conversation also turns to children navigating separation, divorce and significant change. Eve addresses a question many parents carry: how do I protect my child from pain? Her answer is direct. Children do not need protection from every disappointment. They need an adult who remains emotionally present, who listens carefully, and who helps them move through difficulty rather than around it. In This Episode •       The grief that does not have a name •       The impact of emotional, physical and psychological neglect •       Why this grief is so often misunderstood or overlooked •       The stages of grief, and why sadness is not something to manage away •       How childhood experience shapes adult relationships •       Why children need support through disappointment, not protection from it •       The difference between grief and depression •       Why listening can be more powerful than problem-solving •       Supporting children through separation, divorce and family transition •       Why emotional presence matters more than perfection Key Takeaways •       Grief is a normal response to loss, including losses that took place in childhood. •       Healing begins when we allow ourselves to acknowledge what was missing, rather than minimise it. •       Children do not need perfect parents. They need adults who can remain present with difficult feelings. •       Listening without immediately fixing or solving is one of the most significant things we can offer a child. •       Unacknowledged grief accumulates. Creating space for feelings to be expressed and understood is not weakness. It is the work. Resources Free webinar: How to Talk to Children About Separation and Divorce - Click Here [https://evestanway.co.uk/webinar-how-to-talk-to-your-children-about-separation] www.evestanway.co.uk https://evestanway.co.uk/webinar-how-to-talk-to-your-children-about-separation Thank you for listening. If you would like to comment or share a difficult conversation topic for a future podcast, please message me.🫶✨️ [https://www.buzzsprout.com/2566762/fan_mail/new] Connect with Eve Stanway If this episode has resonated with you, the conversation does not have to stop here. Website: www.evestanway.co.uk [http://www.evestanway.co.uk] Email: eve@evestanway.co.uk [eve@evestanway.co.uk] Instagram: @evestanway Facebook: Eve Stanway LinkedIn: Eve Stanway YouTube: @evestanway TikTok: @evestanway Substack: Eve Stanway If you are navigating separation and want to approach it with clarity rather than conflict, visit www.evestanway.co.uk [http://www.evestanway.co.uk/] Dare to Speak: Difficult Conversations That Change Everything is hosted by Eve Stanway, Difficult Conversations Expert and creator of the Listen, Speak, Lead Framework. Eve is the author of Dare to Speak: Navigate Difficult Conversations with Confidence and Clarity, available at www.evestanway.co.uk [http://www.evestanway.co.uk/] Coming September 2026: Dare to Listen: The Hidden Years, Difficult Conversations with Young Adults in Your Life.

Episode 25 Guest Interview with Anthony Astbury - Men, Difficult Conversations & the Cost of Silence

Dare to Speak Interview with Anthony Astbury - Men, Difficult Conversations & the Cost of Silence Anthony Astbury spent nearly two decades in finance in the City before founding the Whole Man Academy, a personal development organisation for ambitious professional men who feel the distance between where they are and where they want to be. He runs events across London, the Cotswolds and Winchester, offers private coaching, books, a podcast, a membership programme, and corporate talks at companies including Spotify, Lloyds Bank and Credit Suisse. In this episode, Anthony and I talk about what it actually costs men to avoid difficult conversations, why grief is routinely misdiagnosed as depression, and what the male suicide statistics reveal about the consequences of getting that wrong. We cover what shifts in a relationship after a baby arrives, how physical intimacy erodes when it becomes conditional, and what John Gottman's research tells us about those early weeks of parenthood as a predictor of long-term conflict. We talk about the mental load as a project management problem, generational trauma made visible through fatherhood loss, and why most couples are working entirely from the communication patterns their own parents handed them. We also get into the neuroscience of speaking out loud, the Listen, Speak, Lead framework, and why tolerating discomfort in conversation is one of the most underrated skills in any relationship. Anthony also shares a question, passed on by a Californian police detective, that opens up a genuine conversation between partners. The gap between what you think your partner needs and what they actually need is usually significant. Connect with Anthony Astbury: Website: www.wholemanacademy.com [http://www.wholemanacademy.com] LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/anthony-astbury Thank you for listening. If you would like to comment or share a difficult conversation topic for a future podcast, please message me.🫶✨️ [https://www.buzzsprout.com/2566762/fan_mail/new] Connect with Eve Stanway If this episode has resonated with you, the conversation does not have to stop here. Website: www.evestanway.co.uk [http://www.evestanway.co.uk] Email: eve@evestanway.co.uk [eve@evestanway.co.uk] Instagram: @evestanway Facebook: Eve Stanway LinkedIn: Eve Stanway YouTube: @evestanway TikTok: @evestanway Substack: Eve Stanway If you are navigating separation and want to approach it with clarity rather than conflict, visit www.evestanway.co.uk [http://www.evestanway.co.uk/] Dare to Speak: Difficult Conversations That Change Everything is hosted by Eve Stanway, Difficult Conversations Expert and creator of the Listen, Speak, Lead Framework. Eve is the author of Dare to Speak: Navigate Difficult Conversations with Confidence and Clarity, available at www.evestanway.co.uk [http://www.evestanway.co.uk/] Coming September 2026: Dare to Listen: The Hidden Years, Difficult Conversations with Young Adults in Your Life.

Episode 24 - The Everyday Conversations That End Marriages

The Everyday Conversations That End Marriages Most marriages do not end because of one catastrophic event. They end because of thousands of small moments that nobody named, nobody addressed, and nobody thought were serious enough to talk about. I have spent more than 25 years working with people through separation and divorce. What I know, with absolute certainty, is that the end of a marriage is almost never a surprise. The signs are there long before anyone is ready to see them. The argument about the dishwasher. The silence after a long day. The feeling of carrying more than your share and nobody noticing. These are not small things. They are the data. This episode is about learning to read that data before it costs you your relationship. I cover three stress response patterns I see repeatedly in the couples I work with: the Leaky Bucket, the Straw That Breaks the Camel's Back, and Kicking the Cat. Understanding which one you use, and which one your partner uses, is not a minor insight. It is the difference between a conversation that lands and one that detonates. I also cover why the task is never really about the task. Why appreciation is not a nicety but a structural requirement in a healthy relationship. Why couples who cannot agree on who does what eventually stop being able to agree on anything. And how to use the Listen, Speak, Lead framework to have the conversations that most people keep putting off until there is nothing left to save. The couples who learn to talk about the small things rarely end up in my office talking about whether to stay together. This episode is practical, direct, and grounded in what I actually see working with real people in real relationships. Please share it with someone who needs to hear it. Thank you for listening. If you would like to comment or share a difficult conversation topic for a future podcast, please message me.🫶✨️ [https://www.buzzsprout.com/2566762/fan_mail/new] Connect with Eve Stanway If this episode has resonated with you, the conversation does not have to stop here. Website: www.evestanway.co.uk [http://www.evestanway.co.uk] Email: eve@evestanway.co.uk [eve@evestanway.co.uk] Instagram: @evestanway Facebook: Eve Stanway LinkedIn: Eve Stanway YouTube: @evestanway TikTok: @evestanway Substack: Eve Stanway If you are navigating separation and want to approach it with clarity rather than conflict, visit www.evestanway.co.uk [http://www.evestanway.co.uk/] Dare to Speak: Difficult Conversations That Change Everything is hosted by Eve Stanway, Difficult Conversations Expert and creator of the Listen, Speak, Lead Framework. Eve is the author of Dare to Speak: Navigate Difficult Conversations with Confidence and Clarity, available at www.evestanway.co.uk [http://www.evestanway.co.uk/] Coming September 2026: Dare to Listen: The Hidden Years, Difficult Conversations with Young Adults in Your Life.

Episode 23 - How to Talk to Children About Separation and Divorce

Episode 23: How We Talk to Children About Divorce The way you talk to your children about divorce will shape how they carry it. Not just in the weeks after you tell them, but for years. The language you use, the emotions you manage - or fail to manage - and the consistency of what you say and do will either anchor your children through one of the most destabilising experiences of their lives, or add to the uncertainty they are already carrying. This episode is about getting that right. There is no perfect script. There is no single conversation that resolves everything. What there is, is a way of approaching this that protects your children - not through silence, but through clarity, repetition, and calm leadership. What we cover in this episode: Why treating this as one conversation is the first mistake most parents make, and what children are doing with the silence you leave between talks. How children hear far more than adults realise. Overheard conversations, tonal shifts, and changes in routine communicate volumes before a single word is spoken directly to them. How to frame the conversation with honesty and reassurance at its centre - what age-appropriate transparency actually looks like in practice, and why vague comfort is less effective than specific truth. The three responses children most commonly have to being told their parents are divorcing: guilt, blame, and loyalty conflict. Each requires deliberate, repeated address - not a single reassurance and a move on. Why your emotional state is not a private matter when your children are in the room. Managing it before you speak is parental responsibility, not optional self-care. How children's developmental understanding evolves, and why the same questions will return at greater depth as they grow. The conversations you have now create the foundation for every difficult conversation that follows. Key principles from this episode: Silence does not protect children. It leaves them to fill the gap with their own interpretation - and children almost always interpret in ways that centre their own culpability. Reassurance that love continues must be demonstrated through action, consistently over time. Saying it once is not sufficient. Your words and your behaviour must match. Children are watching both. These conversations are not events to get through. They are an ongoing process that requires leadership, patience, and repetition. Resources mentioned: For structured support navigating separation and the conversations that come with it, visit www.evestanway.co.uk [http://www.evestanway.co.uk]. Thank you for listening. If you would like to comment or share a difficult conversation topic for a future podcast, please message me.🫶✨️ [https://www.buzzsprout.com/2566762/fan_mail/new] Connect with Eve Stanway If this episode has resonated with you, the conversation does not have to stop here. Website: www.evestanway.co.uk [http://www.evestanway.co.uk] Email: eve@evestanway.co.uk [eve@evestanway.co.uk] Instagram: @evestanway Facebook: Eve Stanway LinkedIn: Eve Stanway YouTube: @evestanway TikTok: @evestanway Substack: Eve Stanway If you are navigating separation and want to approach it with clarity rather than conflict, visit www.evestanway.co.uk [http://www.evestanway.co.uk/] Dare to Speak: Difficult Conversations That Change Everything is hosted by Eve Stanway, Difficult Conversations Expert and creator of the Listen, Speak, Lead Framework. Eve is the author of Dare to Speak: Navigate Difficult Conversations with Confidence and Clarity, available at www.evestanway.co.uk [http://www.evestanway.co.uk/] Coming September 2026: Dare to Listen: The Hidden Years, Difficult Conversations with Young Adults in Your Life.