Helping or Just...Helping Them Stay a Mess

Practicing Radical Honesty for 10 days Straight. 10 days of real life struggles that we will post daily.

Perfectly curated posts from influencers, dream vacations and everyone living their best life. All of it can make you feel like you are missing out on something or are behind the curve of life as you watch other people hit milestones, new jobs, kids, marriage, proposals, fun parties, events and fundraisers and awards. You are not alone, no one really posts those raw moments of despair or disappointment, what if people posted their real life challenges and vulnerabilities online for everyone to see. What if we all practiced radical honesty about how hard parenting is or marriage, or relations at work. Why do we all feel a desire to hide our challenges in life. Why do we prefer the masks of perfection when it really seems to turn other’s off. Today we are going to start a 10 day series of truthful posts about our challenges in life to normalize that even therapists don’t have it all together. Good news we are just as human as anyone else and plan to post only the challenges and daily musings about the hardships in life. We are going to get really vulnerable with real thoughts, frustrations, challenges, and daily battles that other people do not get to see. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit abbeysamide.substack.com [https://abbeysamide.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1]

Ozempic Conversations and Quick Fix Culture

I was at a fundraiser in October and a person started talking to me as if they knew me. I have no re-collection of this person. I walk away confused and ask my table who is that? One person answered it was your co-chair from the summer bash in July. It was a completely different human. They had lost 50lbs at least, different hair color, cheek were plumper and smooth forehead. The person I did the summer bash with was not even close to this person. I was flabbergasted. This is not to bash the person if they feel better about themselves, but the short period of time it took them to completely transform was insane. Ozempic didn’t create quick-fix culture — it just exposed how deeply uncomfortable we are with slow progress. We live in a culture where people want abs, emotional healing, financial stability, and closure by Thursday. Personal immediate gratification. We are living in a culture where everything is at our fingertips. How does this impact our ability to work for something and have a long term goal? Are people less likely to participate in activities that take time and effort to accomplish? How does this play into anxiety? What happens in the brain when needs are not immediately met? This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit abbeysamide.substack.com [https://abbeysamide.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1]

Why do I feel bad all the time?

Shame and guilt often are misunderstood concepts, but something that comes up all the time in therapy. Consider this: when I was maybe 8 years old, I stole a piece of candy from a store. I was with my mom and she saw me chewing on something. She asked if I took it without her paying for it and the look on my face said it all. (Guilty as charged) We marched back into that store and she made me confess. I felt bad about taking the candy (Guilt) I knew it was the wrong thing to do and I did it anyway. I felt guilt confessing. I felt better afterwards because we paid for it. Now, let’s look at shame. Let’s think in terms of the same scenario- but shame works on an even deeper level- “i’m bad,” not “I did something wrong.” Shame speaks to who you are- where guilt speaks to what you did. You can do something wrong and not think you are a bad person. In fact, more often than not this is the case. People often do things that are incongruent with their morals or values, They lie, to themselves to others- “no, nothings wrong, I’m fine”- to bigger lies. SHame exists in secrecy, it requires it and feeds it. Now, onto better understanding shame and how you can combat it. Today’s podcast is all about guilt versus shame. Behaviors do not equal who you are and are small parts of a whole. A mistake, poor choice/decision does not define you but your self talk might try to convince you otherwise. Today we battle this and shed the shame. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit abbeysamide.substack.com [https://abbeysamide.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1]

Inner Child Outer Chaos

Your inner child is basically the unpaid intern of your emotional life—overworked, ignored, and occasionally running the whole show. In the last podcast we talked about trauma and reactions. Today we touch on your inner child and reactions. Back to the reactions that do not make sense to the situation. This is a common area in therapy bc it negatively impacts our relationships with others. This is an example of my inner child in the driver’s seat. I have a plan and I do not like when it gets disrupted. I will lose my mind when my schedule or plan gets hijacked. I will have a reaction equal to someone cutting off my arm. It is ridiculous. An example is this morning I dropped my daughter off at swim practice at 5:15 am and headed to Orange Theory for the 5:30 am class. My typical class time and I always start on the treadmill. When I arrive the person in front of me grabs the last treadmill and I have to start with strength training. My initial reaction was furious and yelled to my friend in the gym I am so pissed the entire gym knew I was not happy. My inner child had reared its ugly head. It was a monumental over reaction. Once I rowed a few minutes I returned to rational mind and after the entire workout the trainer asked how it went and admitted it was fine and I was being overly dramatic and having a tantrum. A big reaction to a minimal situation. My child brain: my workout is ruined, I hate starting on the floor (mind I have never had a bad experience starting on the floor) it was not my routine My adult brain: super annoying but I can pivot and figure it out. Today we talk about the inner child and how it rears its head in our reactions This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit abbeysamide.substack.com [https://abbeysamide.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1]

Wired by Experience

I got permission from my client to share an important revelation in her therapy. I will change all identifying information to protect her confidentiality, but the message was an important one to share. This is a client with a history of sexual abuse as a child. She has been working very hard to understand herself because she carries so much shame. She has many roles in her life, mother, wife, friend, daughter. She talked about what sounds like a very normal mother thought or feeling, she made a comment that she fears she is not a good caregiver at all because she feels a desire to run away when she feels forced or trapped in her caregiving. She talked about how she recently helped a friend and when she chooses to help someone she does not feel trapped or forced, but she often will feel forced or trapped in parenting. She said she is a bad mother and a bad person. (Shame) She said that she feels a very intense desire for flight. This becomes a different story when she talks about it using a lens of trauma. She originally narrated (bad mother, same based thinking). I asked her when she has felt forced and trapped before when she was young. What happened in my mind was when someone has a disproportionate reaction to a trigger, I think trauma trigger because it is the survival instinct that is being triggered (fight, flight, freeze or fawn). It is the forced and trapped feeling. Trauma triggers can be feelings which lead to triggering the amygdala and set into action the survival instinct. This lead to a revelation that shifted her thinking from “I’m a bad mom” to I am a mom who is parenting with a history of trauma and it was the feeling of trapped and force that leads me to want to run. Not her kids, not her parenting. This provided immense relief to her and then a clear path forward. We were able to talk about cognitively reframing to remind herself that she can always take a break and it was her choice to have children. This is to address the feeling of being trapped and forced. Today we dive into trauma, the somatic reactions, reframing and recovering. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit abbeysamide.substack.com [https://abbeysamide.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1]