I Relapsed Before 2 Years Sober And Now I Can’t Stop

Borrowed Wisdom #1: The One Thing Underneath Every Resentment, Every Lie, and Every Defect

This is the first in a new series — Borrowed Wisdom — where I share the greatest recovery speaker tapes that saved my life. Every resentment I've ever had came from fear, and a speaker named Bob broke that wide open for me. In this solo episode I pull the highlights from a speaker tape that's saved my ass more times than I can count, and I reflect on what each line means in my own recovery. We get into why we lie out of fear instead of malice, why the voice in your head projects the worst-case every time (and is almost always wrong), the difference between faith and trust — the wheelbarrow on the tightrope — and why every character defect comes with a "cookie" attached. We close on the paradox that the longer I stay sober, the more help I actually need. If you've ever stayed stuck in a resentment, talked yourself out of something before you even tried, or wondered why "letting go" feels impossible — this one's for you. If no one's told you today: I love you. Recovery is simple, not easy. ▶ Follow the show so you don't miss the next one. 📩 Want the full talks? DM me on Instagram @recoveringoutloudpod — I'll send them over. 0:00 Why these talks saved my life 2:08 Meet Bob: fear, faith, and "take what you like" 3:13 Every resentment is really fear 4:36 You're not a liar — you're afraid 7:40 Your brain projects the worst (thank God it's wrong) 9:21 Deathbed regret: the things you were afraid to try 10:26 Successful people are willing to look stupid 11:31 Everything you want is on the other side of fear 12:28 Faith vs. trust: get in the wheelbarrow 15:04 Why "not enough" is my greatest asset 16:10 Every defect has a cookie attached 18:08 Everything I let go of has claw marks on it 18:32 Amends enhance you — they don't diminish you 19:44 Turning my worst traits into assets 22:28 25 years sober and needing more help than ever 24:42 Run your best thinking past someone first 26:55 Recovery is simple, not easy

"Sorry" Stopped Working: How I Actually Made Amends in Recovery

I said "I'm sorry" so many times in my addiction that the word stopped meaning anything. All words, no action — guilt with a better vocabulary. In this solo episode I get into the difference between a verbal amends and a living amends: not the conversation, but the daily commitment to behave differently and become someone who doesn't repeat the harm. I talk about cleaning up my side of the street, moving from taker to giver, making amends to myself, and the trap of using "I'll just live differently" as an escape hatch to avoid the hard conversations. I also tell the story of running into my old drug dealer at the gym five years sober — and what I did next. This one's about rebuilding trust after addiction, forgiving yourself first, and why your family doesn't owe you forgiveness — but your actions, over time, speak louder than any apology. Recovery is simple, not easy. 🎧 New episodes twice a week. If this helped, follow the show — it genuinely helps it grow. 0:00 Guilt with a better vocabulary 0:34 What this episode is really about 1:11 "How do I pay my parents back?" 1:29 Welcome to Recovering Out Loud 2:12 What a living amends actually is 2:49 Verbal amends vs. living amends 3:19 Moving from taker to giver 4:02 My purpose is to be of service 4:19 When living amends is the right path 5:21 Amends is for you, not for them 5:46 The trap: amends as an escape hatch 6:32 Making amends to yourself 7:11 The long game — there's no finish line 7:47 What it feels like with family 8:28 You cannot heal anyone 9:18 Why your worst comes out at home 10:26 Nobody owes you forgiveness 11:16 Integrity when nobody's watching 12:03 The drug dealer at the gym 13:31 Don't put yourself in danger 13:46 If an amends pops into your head 15:06 Disturbed, discontent, disconnected 15:34 It's a process — progress not perfection 16:10 Don't use being high as an excuse 16:32 How to actually make the amends 17:22 Forgive yourself first 18:09 The nightly inventory 18:31 Outro

10 Thoughts From 10 Years of Addiction Recovery (My Morning Journal, Unfiltered)

10 unfiltered thoughts from my morning journal on staying sober, comparison, peace over happiness, and the war that's really with myself. At a year and a half sober again, I sat down with my morning journal and pulled out 10 thoughts that are keeping me in recovery right now — then talked them through, raw and unscripted. This one's about comparison and jealousy in the recovery and creator space ("why not me?"), getting through hard times one day at a time, building a morning routine when your old life had no structure, beating boredom by reconnecting with friends, and why I show up to meetings for what happens before and after the meeting. We get into believing in the sober version of yourself, chasing peace instead of happiness, the power of journaling, and the reframe that changed everything for me: moving from a war on drugs to a war on myself. If you're early in substance abuse recovery, navigating life after drug addiction, or just trying to stay sober through a rough patch — I hope one of these helps. Recovery is simple, not easy. Timestamps 00:00 — Morning Pages & why I journal 02:21 — #1 Competitors as hope, not jealousy 06:23 — #2 Staying sober through hard times 08:03 — #3 The morning routine 09:46 — #4 Boredom & reconnecting with friends 11:46 — #5 Meetings: the before & after 13:36 — #6 Believing in the sober you 15:13 — #7 Peace over happiness 16:32 — #8 Journaling 17:19 — #9 Everything isn't as it seems 21:35 — #10 War on drugs → war on me Mentioned • The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron — the Morning Pages practice • Past episode with Jessie (loss & staying sober through grief) • Past episode: Pleasure vs. Meaning • My recovery journal — https://linktr.ee/Recoveringoutloudpod [https://linktr.ee/Recoveringoutloudpod]

My Addiction Was Not All Bad : The Part of Recovery Nobody Is Honest About

Is it okay to admit you miss drinking? Psychotherapist Eryl returns to Recovering Out Loud for an honest conversation about the grief almost nobody talks about in early sobriety — and why pretending "it was all bad" can leave you feeling more ashamed and isolated than the truth ever would. Anthony and Eryl get into the alcohol addiction recovery experience as it really is: substances as an "escape hatch," the abusive-relationship analogy that didn't start out abusive, and the "parts work" idea that you can be grateful to the part of you that helped you survive — without ever going back to it. They also dig into why we keep reaching outside ourselves for a fix (the car, the body, the next purchase), how attachment and self-regulation sit underneath addiction, the cross-addiction "whack-a-mole," and a hard look at the predatory wellness and peptide marketing showing up in recovery spaces right now. It closes on emotional regulation, money, and what it means to build a life you don't need to escape from. A peer + therapist conversation about substance abuse recovery, grief, and emotional sobriety — real stories, no guru energy. This episode discusses body image and eating-disorder recovery. Support resources are in the show notes. Find Eryl on instagram here: https://www.instagram.com/erylmccaffrey/ [https://www.instagram.com/erylmccaffrey/] 00:00 Eryl's last 30 days — and the day she said "I need help" 03:07 Why your "failed attempts" weren't failures 05:09 Is it okay to miss drinking? The grief no one warns you about 07:05 The escape hatch: avoiding discomfort at all costs 09:42 Avoiding people, places & things (and why it's temporary) 11:52 What you were really chasing was connection 13:22 Grieving the old you — and being grateful to it (parts work) 14:50 When the craving hits: delay, distract, cope ahead 18:30 Self-regulation, co-regulation & where addiction starts 20:00 Attachment styles, gender & the substance you reach for 23:52 Whack-a-mole: trading one substance for another 24:48 Everything can become a drug — nicotine, scrolling, shopping 25:07 Peptides, Ozempic & predatory marketing in recovery spaces 31:00 Honesty about TRT and the rabbit hole 32:45 "Be curious, not judgmental" 34:01 The real question: WHY am I reaching for a fix? 35:01 Financial sobriety and your relationship with money 37:55 How alcohol gets marketed to keep women small 41:44 Selling escape: the beach, the Corona, the lie 44:25 Building a life you don't need to escape from 46:41 Waiting for the other shoe to drop 48:30 Emotional regulation, in one elevator pitch 49:56 You are not your thoughts — meditation & the observer

Unexpected Benefits of Sobriety: The Small Wins That Actually Keep You Sober

Everyone talks about what you lose when you get sober. Nobody talks about what you get back. Not the big stuff — career, family, health. Those are real, but they're slow. They're not what keeps you sober at 11 p.m. on a Tuesday. In this episode, Anthony breaks down the unexpected, small, sometimes weird gifts that sobriety actually delivers — the ones that sneak up on you, that nobody puts in their inspirational reels, and that are quietly building the proof your brain needs to stay sober long-term. What's covered: * Real sleep vs. passed-out sleep (and why they're completely different) * Cognitive recovery: when memory and word recall actually come back * Why boredom stops feeling like a five-alarm fire * Eye contact, shame, and what happens when shame unhooks from your identity * People not flinching when you walk in the room — and what that actually feels like * Time you didn't know you had * Being trusted again (and why that weight is a gift) * The weird ones: knowing where your phone is, being able to sit in a quiet room Anthony also covers the honest caveats — PAWS (Post-Acute Withdrawal Syndrome), the gifts that require active work, and the ones that don't show up on schedule. And for the person who can't feel anything yet: your timeline is real, even if it's slower than the posts. Recovering Out Loud is peer-led recovery media — real stories of addiction and sobriety, no clinical voice, no guru energy.