Shrekking: The Psychology of Choosing Someone You Don't Actually Want

Shrekking: The Psychology of Choosing Someone You Don't Actually Want

Have you ever dated someone who looked great on paper but deep down, you knew they weren't truly what you wanted? Or maybe you've found yourself choosing people who felt "safe" instead of people you genuinely admired, desired, or felt deeply connected to. In this week's Pillow Talk, we're getting uncomfortably honest about a dating phenomenon sometimes called Shrekking—the tendency to choose partners we believe are less likely to reject us, easier to control, or more invested in us than we are in them. We'll explore: ✨ Fear of rejection and why it drives so many of our dating decisions ✨ Anxious attachment and the need to feel chosen ✨ Dating for validation instead of genuine connection ✨ The fixer complex and falling in love with potential ✨ Why emotionally healthy people can sometimes feel "boring" ✨ How insecurity can make control feel like safety ✨ The difference between being needed and being loved This episode is for anyone who has ever settled, chased potential, confused anxiety with chemistry, or wondered why they keep ending up in the same relationship with a different person. If this episode resonates with you, be sure to follow the podcast, subscribe, leave a review, and share it with someone who needs to hear it. I'd also love to hear your thoughts—comment your biggest takeaway or relationship realization from this episode. Let's continue the conversation on Instagram at @richwithintherapy. 💌 New Pillow Talk episodes drop every Thursday night. Because healing conversations are sometimes best had after dark. 🌙✨

PILLOWTALK: attention is not intention

Welcome to the first official Pillow Talk episode! we’re unpacking the talking stage, also known as the emotionally confusing pre-relationship group project no one asked for. In this episode, we’re talking about the texts you reread, the “what are we?” conversations you avoid, the attachment styles that start acting up, and why someone can have access to your nervous system before they’ve even earned a label. We’ll get into what the talking stage actually is, how anxious, avoidant, secure, and fearful avoidant attachment styles show up early on, what to look out for, how to stop wasting time, and the big question: can we prevent situationships before they become a full-time unpaid internship? This one is for anyone who has ever checked their phone 57x a day, confused chemistry with clarity, or convinced themselves they were “being chill” while actively spiraling. Follow along on Instagram: @emotionallyexpensivemedia

Reclaiming Yourself in Marriage and Motherhood with Bansari

Welcome to Season 2 of Emotionally Expensive! Bansari Shah is many things - a teacher who trained at Columbia University, the top teaching institute in the USA, a strong women's advocate, a voracious reader, married for 14 years and a mother of two, and a life coach for South Asian women for the last 4 years.  She has a unique way of coaching - through daily voice notes, so it's like having a life coach in your back pocket.  She helps South Asian moms overcome marital conflict, even when their husband won't agree to relationship therapy. You can follow her on social media at @coachingbybms, and she has a marriage audio course and free marital resources you can download at her website coachingbybms.com [http://coachingbybms.com/]. Follow us on @emotionallyexpensive today.

Behind Closed Doors: Breaking the Silence on Abuse with Madhuri Govindu

Meet our Guest: With over 20 years of experience in employee wellbeing,Madhuri Govindu has worked with leading global organizations including HSBC, Google, Accenture, and Cisco. She holds a Bachelor's in Business Management, an Associate's in Psychology, and a Master's in Clinical Mental Health Counseling. A certified EMDR therapist, ADHD-CCSP, certified sex therapist (CSTIP), and CBT-TF certified and Mental Resilience specialist (Harvard), she is passionate about helping South Asian women in Texas heal from trauma and thrive. As a speaker for the American Counseling Association, author, and contributor, her recent book Thank You for Your Service: Learning to Honor with Heart to Bridge the Gap addresses the unique experiences of veterans. Her mission is to empower South Asian men/women by breaking stigmas, building resilience, and creating space for healing.   This conversation delves into the complexities of domestic violence and intimate partner violence, exploring various types of abuse, the cycle of abuse, and the cultural perspectives surrounding these issues. Madhuri Govindu, a licensed professional counselor, shares her insights on recognizing red flags, understanding the impact of gaslighting, and the importance of seeking help. The discussion also highlights the resources available for victims and the challenges of rehabilitating abusers. Takeaways Domestic violence can be physical, verbal, sexual, financial, and emotional. The cycle of abuse includes tension building, acts of abuse, and reconciliation. Gaslighting is a significant form of emotional abuse that leads to self-doubt. Cultural factors play a crucial role in how domestic violence is perceived and addressed. Financial abuse can be subtle but is a form of control over a partner's independence. Digital abuse involves monitoring and controlling a partner's online presence. Recognizing red flags early can prevent escalation into severe abuse. Rehabilitation of abusers is possible but requires sustained effort and accountability. Support resources are available, but awareness and access can vary by region. Understanding the cultural context is essential for addressing domestic violence effectively. Chapters 00:00 Understanding Domestic Violence and Intimate Partner Violence 10:26 Types of Domestic Violence: Physical, Emotional, and Financial Abuse 21:23 The Impact of Gaslighting and Verbal Abuse 25:23 Understanding Financial and Digital Abuse 29:47 Cultural and Spiritual Dimensions of Abuse 34:06 The Cycle of Abuse Explained 39:51 Domestic Violence: East vs. West Perspectives 43:57 Recognizing Red Flags in Relationships 47:15 Rehabilitation of Abusers: Is Change Possible? 50:10 Resources and Support for Victims of Abuse

Beyond Stigma: South Asian Mental Health with Nikita

In this conversation, Nikita, a licensed marriage and family therapist, shares her insights on therapy, particularly within the South Asian community. She discusses her journey to becoming a therapist, the unique challenges faced by her clients, including perfectionism, anxiety, and cultural stigma. Nikita emphasizes the importance of self-care for therapists, the role of family dynamics in mental health, and the significance of community support. The conversation also touches on grief, identity, and the evolving landscape of mental health awareness among South Asians. Takeaways Nikita specializes in anxiety, grief, chronic illness, and self-esteem. Cultural stigma around mental health is prevalent in South Asian communities. Perfectionism often stems from self-expectations rather than external pressures. Younger clients are more self-aware and articulate about their emotions. Shame and secrecy can hinder mental health discussions in families. Group therapy can help reduce feelings of isolation among clients. The geriatric population is often underestimated in their receptiveness to therapy. Family dynamics play a crucial role in shaping individual mental health. Setting boundaries is essential for self-care and mental well-being. Community support among South Asian therapists is growing and vital. Chapters 00:00 Introduction to Therapy and Cultural Perspectives 02:32 Navigating Perfectionism and Anxiety in South Asian Clients 05:26 The Role of Shame and Secrecy in Mental Health 08:21 Group Therapy Dynamics and Geriatric Experiences 10:52 Cultural Strengths and Family Support in Therapy 13:38 Self-Care Strategies for Therapists 16:46 Grief Beyond Death: Identity and Cultural Expectations 19:43 Setting Boundaries: Time and Energy Management 22:50 The Impact of Family Dynamics on Therapy 25:39 Family of Origin Work: Understanding Patterns 28:30 The Rewards of Therapy: Connection and Growth 31:32 The Rise of South Asian Therapists and Community Building 34:48 Self-Soothing Techniques and Practical Strategies Keywords: therapy, South Asian mental health, perfectionism, anxiety, shame, geriatric therapy, self-care, grief, identity, boundaries