The Shame That Lives in Your Body

Your Identity Was Never Just Yours

Have you ever done the work — named the trauma, grieved the losses, started releasing the shame — and then looked up and thought… who am I? That disorientation isn't a problem. It's actually the beginning of something important. In this episode, Jessica opens the June identity theme by introducing one of the most foundational questions in healing: where did your sense of self actually come from? Drawing on attachment theory and her clinical experience, she walks through the difference between your core self — the parts of you that were always there — and your adapted self — the version of you that learned how to survive. Most of us have spent so long living from the adapted self that we've lost touch with the core entirely. This episode is your invitation to start noticing the difference. In This Episode * Why identity doesn't form in a vacuum — and who was shaping yours before you had any say * What attachment theory tells us about how we learned to see (or not see) ourselves * The clinical distinction between your core self and your adapted self * Jessica's personal story of performing the "Pinterest mom" identity — and what it cost her * Why every major life transition is both disorienting and an invitation * What's coming next in the June series Resources & Links 🌿 Free worksheet — Core Self vs. Adapted Self: healingismyhobby.com/newsletter [https://healingismyhobby.com/newsletter] 📬 Newsletter: healingismyhobby.com/newsletter [https://healingismyhobby.com/newsletter] 📩 Contact Jessica: healingismyhobby.com [https://healingismyhobby.com/] 📸 Instagram: @healingismyhobby [https://www.instagram.com/healingismyhobby/] ▶️ YouTube: @healingismyhobby [https://www.youtube.com/@healingismyhobby] 🛋️ Clinical practice: jessicacolarcolcsw.com [https://jessicacolarcolcsw.com/] | @jessicacolarcolcsw [https://www.instagram.com/jessicacolarcolcsw/] identity healing, who am I, core self vs adapted self, attachment theory, identity development, trauma and identity, adapted self, healing journey, self-worth, identity after trauma, childhood roles, people pleasing, performing identity, inner child work, IFS therapy, self-discovery, anxiety and identity, LCSW podcast, mental health podcast, therapy podcast for women, healing is my hobby, Jessica Colarco

The Shame That Lives in Your Body

We close out May with the deepest layer of shame work yet. In this final episode of our shame and self-worth series, Jessica reframes shame not as a character flaw or a belief system — but as a trauma response. One that lives in the body, wires itself into the nervous system, and follows us long past the environments that first created it. This episode unpacks the neurobiology of shame, the connection between early attachment wounds and the shame we carry into adulthood, and what it actually looks like to begin healing at the level where the wound lives. If you've been listening all month, this is where it all comes together. What We Cover in This Episode * Why shame is one of the most overlooked trauma responses in clinical practice — and why naming it changes everything * The developmental picture: how early environments teach the nervous system that being fully yourself is dangerous * The dorsal vagal response (freeze and collapse) and why it shows up in shame — the heat in the face, the heaviness in the chest, the urge to disappear * Why you cannot think your way out of a shame response, and why the body has to be part of healing * Attachment theory and shame: how early relational wounds travel into adult relationships and show up in patterns like over-apologizing, difficulty receiving, and interpreting neutral interactions as rejection * Dan Siegel's window of tolerance and what it means for trauma-informed shame work * Four somatic regulation practices you can use in the moment when shame gets activated Somatic Practices Mentioned * Orient to your environment — slowly look around and name five things you can see to activate the social engagement system * Slow your exhale — inhale for 4 counts, exhale for 6–8 to activate the parasympathetic nervous system * Find a point of contact — feel your feet on the floor or your body in the chair to ground yourself when shame pulls you out of the present * Name what's happening without judgment — neutral observation of physical sensation creates space between you and the response Key Concepts Referenced * Dorsal vagal response / freeze and collapse * Window of tolerance (Dan Siegel) * Attachment theory (John Bowlby) * Polyvagal theory * Somatic regulation * Trauma-informed shame work Closing Reflection Healing shame doesn't happen all at once. It happens in layers — in moments of being witnessed and not rejected, in the slow practice of treating yourself as worthy even when part of you doesn't believe it yet. The shame that feels like the truest thing about you is not the truest thing about you. It is a wound. And wounds, when they receive the right care, do heal. Connect + Resources * 📩 Subscribe to the newsletter at healingismyhobby.com [https://healingismyhobby.com/] * 💬 Contact Jessica [https://healingismyhobby.com/contact] * 📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/healingismyhobby/ [https://www.instagram.com/healingismyhobby/] * ▶️ YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@healingismyhobby [https://www.youtube.com/@healingismyhobby] * 🩺 Learn more about Jessica's clinical practice at jessicacolarcolcsw.com [https://jessicacolarcolcsw.com/] shame and trauma, shame as a trauma response, dorsal vagal response, freeze and collapse, nervous system and shame, window of tolerance, attachment theory and shame, John Bowlby attachment, somatic practices for shame, trauma-informed therapy, shame in the body, healing shame, self-worth, PTSD and shame, polyvagal theory, anxiety and shame, high-functioning trauma, insecure attachment, early childhood trauma, nervous system regulation, body-based healing, self-compassion, trauma response, inner child healing, Healing Is My Hobby podcast, Jessica Colarco LCSW

Building a Self-Worth That Isn't Conditional

Welcome to the Healing Lab — the episode where we stop talking about the work and actually start doing it. This month’s theme is shame and self-worth, and these experiments are rooted in something deeply personal: the belief that you cannot think your way into self-worth. You have to practice it. In this episode, Jessica shares two somatic and behavioral experiments designed to interrupt the pattern of conditional worth — and invites you into the lab alongside her. WHAT WE COVER * The clinical framework behind conditional worth and why it shows up so often in high-achieving women * Why shame lives in the body — and why that’s where healing has to begin * Experiment #1: The Enough Body Scan — a daily somatic practice anchoring worthiness in physical sensation * Experiment #2: The Daily Commitment — two to three things each day that are purely for you * Jessica’s personal experience trying both experiments — what worked, what surprised her, what she’s keeping * How these two experiments work together — inside-out and outside-in — to meet in the middle THE CLINICAL FRAMEWORK When worth becomes conditional — when we believe we are only lovable while performing, producing, or caretaking — we stop giving ourselves permission to simply exist. The absence of self-directed care isn’t laziness. It’s the behavioral fingerprint of internalized shame. These experiments work at the behavioral level because we can’t always change the belief directly — but we can change the behavior. And when we start treating ourselves as worthy of care, the belief begins slowly to shift. EXPERIMENT #1: THE ENOUGH BODY SCAN Once a day for two weeks, set aside five minutes for a slow, intentional body scan from head to toe. At each body part — your head, jaw, shoulders, chest, stomach, hands, and legs — offer a single phrase: “This is enough. You are enough.” This is not a relaxation exercise. It’s not about finding tension or tracking discomfort. It’s about anchoring the message “I am enough” in physical sensation — giving it somewhere to land for those who can’t yet access it cognitively. What to track: * Does the phrase feel true, hollow, or somewhere in between? * Does it begin to shift over the two weeks? * Where in your body does it feel most resistant — and what do you make of that? Jessica’s experience: She chose to do this experiment in the shower each morning. It was immediately impactful, helped set her intention for the day, and shifted the way she inhabits her body. She’s keeping it. EXPERIMENT #2: THE DAILY COMMITMENT Every day for two weeks, do two to three things that are purely for you. Not for your kids, partner, clients, or boss. Just for you — without needing to earn them first. You are someone you made a commitment to. Show up for yourself the way you show up for the people you love. Ideas to spark your own list: * Making yourself something you actually want to eat * Moving your body in a way that feels genuinely good, not obligatory * Sitting outside for 10 minutes with no agenda * Reading something purely for pleasure, not for growth or information * Doing something creative just because it’s enjoyable — baking, painting, crafting, whatever is yours * Putting on music you love and actually sitting with it * A slow bath or long, unhurried shower * Watching something you enjoy without guilt or multitasking alongside it * A cup of something you love, made slowly, with nowhere to be What to track: * Write down your two to three things each day * At the end of each week, ask: How hard was it to follow through? Did I negotiate with myself, minimize, or skip? * What did the inner voice say when I tried to give myself something? * Did that voice get any quieter by the end of the week? How These Experiments Work Together The body scan works quietly from the inside out — planting the message “I am enough” at the level of physical sensation, asking your body to practice receiving worth. The daily commitment works from the outside in — asking your behavior to demonstrate worth through concrete daily action. Together, they approach the same belief from two directions. The body scan softens the ground. The daily commitment builds the evidence. Over time, those two things meet in the middle — and that’s where the shift happens. A Note on Resistance For those who have run on conditional worth for a long time, these experiments may bring up guilt — the sense that you haven’t earned this yet, or that you’re being selfish. The voice that says: this is indulgent. That voice is not the truth. It’s the wound. The most powerful thing you can do when it shows up is not to argue with it — but to do the thing anyway. That “even when” is where the healing lives. Coming Up Next Week The final episode of May looks at shame through a trauma-informed lens — how it shows up in the body, how it lives in our nervous system, and what it actually means to heal it at that level. Connect & Stay in the Loop If you tried these experiments, Jessica wants to hear about it. Share what you noticed, what came up, and what surprised you. 📰 Newsletter: healingismyhobby.com [https://healingismyhobby.com] 📸 Instagram: @healingismyhobby [https://www.instagram.com/healingismyhobby/] 🎥 YouTube: @healingismyhobby [https://www.youtube.com/@healingismyhobby] 💼 Clinical Practice: jessicacolarcolcsw.com [https://jessicacolarcolcsw.com] self-worth, shame healing, conditional worth, somatic healing, body scan meditation, self-compassion practice, healing shame, worthiness, internalized shame, high-achieving women, therapy for anxiety, LCSW podcast, nervous system regulation, behavioral activation, self-care without guilt, healing is my hobby, Jessica Colarco, mental health podcast, trauma-informed therapy, inner critic, enough body scan, daily self-commitment, self-worth exercises, shame and the body, healing lab, self-worth practices, anxiety and perfectionism, people pleasing and worth, overcoming guilt, identity and self-worth

When You're Ashamed of Your Own Feelings

This is the Therapy Is My Cardio episode for May — which means we're not just talking about emotional shame today, we're doing the reps. If last week's episode gave you the clinical foundation (what shame is, where it comes from, and how it hides), this episode is where you put that understanding to work. Jessica walks you through the specific kind of shame that wraps itself around your feelings — the inner voice that calls you too much, too dramatic, too sensitive, or simply not allowed to feel what you feel. It's one of the quietest forms of self-abandonment there is, and today you're going to start unlearning it. In This Episode: * What emotional shame actually is — and how it's different from general shame * How early experiences teach us that certain emotions are "wrong" — and what that does to a child's developing sense of self * The clinical term for what happens next: emotional self-dismissal, and why it's so hard to recognize in yourself * Why chronic emotional shame cuts you off from your own emotions as information — and the real consequences that has for your body, relationships, and sense of self * The Warmup: a simple check-in practice to notice what feeling you've been pushing away before you even start the reps The Three Reps: * Rep 1 — Name It: The neuroscience behind why labeling an emotion reduces its intensity, and how to create distance from shame-based thoughts using defusion language ("I am having the thought that...") * Rep 2 — Reality Check the Story: A CBT-based framework using three questions to slow down the shame spiral and examine whether what you're telling yourself is actually true — or just old conditioning playing on a loop * Rep 3 — Self-Compassion: The rep people most want to skip, why compassion (not self-criticism) is what actually softens shame, and a short hand-on-heart practice to try right now * The Cool Down: A simple weekly log practice — no journaling required — to track how often the inner critic is actually showing up, because you can't change a pattern you haven't seen clearly yet Mentioned or Referenced: * Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and shame * Defusion techniques from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) * The neuroscience of affect labeling ("name it to tame it") * Self-compassion as a clinical intervention for shame Next Week: Jessica heads into the Healing Lab to share personal experiments around self-worth that isn't tied to production or performance. You won't want to miss it. Connect with Jessica: 📩 Newsletter & blog: healingismyhobby.com [https://healingismyhobby.com/] 📱 Instagram: instagram.com/healingismyhobby [https://www.instagram.com/healingismyhobby/] ▶️ YouTube: youtube.com/@healingismyhobby [https://www.youtube.com/@healingismyhobby] 🩺 Clinical practice: jessicacolarcolcsw.com [https://jessicacolarcolcsw.com/] emotional shame, ashamed of your feelings, too sensitive, emotional self-dismissal, inner critic, shame and emotions, healing shame, therapy for shame, self-compassion for shame, name it to tame it, affect labeling, CBT for shame, cognitive behavioral therapy shame, defusion technique, acceptance and commitment therapy, how to stop invalidating yourself, self-abandonment, self-worth, shame spiral, shame and the nervous system, emotional regulation, healing inner critic, self-compassion practice, shame and self-criticism, feelings are not wrong, Healing Is My Hobby, Therapy Is My Cardio, Jessica Colarco LCSW, mental health podcast, anxiety and shame, emotional healing podcast

What Shame Actually Is (And Why It's Not Your Fault)

May Shame & Self-Worth Series, Episode 1 Shame is one of the most common — and most misunderstood — experiences in the healing journey. It's not embarrassment. It's not guilt. It's the quiet, persistent belief that something is fundamentally wrong with you. In this first episode of our May series on shame and self-worth, Jessica lays the clinical foundation: what shame actually is, where it comes from, and why understanding it is the first step toward being free of it. What We Cover Shame vs. guilt — they feel similar, but they operate very differently and lead to very different outcomes. Guilt says I did something bad. Shame says I am bad. That distinction is everything, and it matters deeply for how we approach healing. Where shame comes from — shame isn't something we're born with. It forms in childhood, in the relational environment around us, shaped by how our emotions and needs were responded to. When a child's needs are consistently met with criticism, dismissal, or withdrawal, they don't conclude the adult is struggling — they conclude something is wrong with them. That belief can quietly run the show for decades. How shame hides in plain sight — by the time you've been carrying it long enough, shame doesn't feel like shame anymore. It feels like truth. Jessica walks through some of the most common ways it shows up: chronic people pleasing, perfectionism, difficulty receiving care, over-functioning in relationships, and numbing behaviors. The path toward healing — healing shame isn't about arriving at a destination where you never feel it again. It's about developing a different relationship with it. Recognizing it. Getting curious about it. And most importantly, letting yourself be witnessed — because shame grows in secrecy and heals in connection. Resources & References Research psychologist June Price Tangney's work on shame and guilt is referenced in this episode. Her decades of research distinguishes shame as a painful sense of being a flawed, unworthy person — not someone who made a mistake, but someone who is the mistake. Internal Family Systems (IFS) framework is referenced as a lens for understanding how early shame experiences become carried by younger parts of the self. This Month on Healing Is My Hobby May is our shame and self-worth series. Each episode goes deeper — through the lens of what you've inherited, your emotional life, practical experiments you can try at home, and the trauma-informed perspective that every conversation about shame deserves. Connect With Jessica Sign up for the newsletter and read the blog at healingismyhobby.com [healingismyhobby.com ]Follow on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/healingismyhobby/ [ https://www.instagram.com/healingismyhobby/] Watch on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@healingismyhobby [https://www.youtube.com/@healingismyhobby ]Clinical practice: jessicacolarcolcsw.com [jessicacolarcolcsw.com] | Instagram: @jessicacolarcolcsw [about:blank] shame, shame vs guilt, what is shame, self-worth, healing shame, clinical social worker podcast, LCSW podcast, shame and identity, shame in therapy, internal family systems, IFS parts, core beliefs, childhood shame, trauma and shame, people pleasing, perfectionism, over-functioning, emotional healing, self-compassion, window of tolerance, healing is my hobby, Jessica Colarco, mental health podcast, therapy podcast, shame series, shame and self-worth, worthiness, emotional wounds, generational shame, June Price Tangney