Happiness is Found in Progess with Nick Kellar

Happiness is Found in Progess with Nick Kellar

Hannah and Amy sit down with Nick Kellar, a real estate entrepreneur, community leader, and mentor based outside of Baltimore. We knew he'd be a great guest and from the first few minutes it's clear why: he is, as Hannah puts it, a human version of the show's tagline. A person in progress who actively learns from stories and science, applies what he reads, and then passes it forward to the people he mentors. Nick's journey from happiness as a chase to happiness as a practice started with a commitment to lifelong learning and deepened through one of the hardest moments of his life. Sitting alone with his mother on her last day, a priest he'd never met gave him what he calls one of the most transformational gifts he's ever received: the reminder that the only thing that actually matters is the present moment, where your feet are. From there, his philosophy took shape. Happiness is in progress, not in outcomes. Small wins compound. Your definition of success is yours to decide. This is a rich, warm, and surprisingly moving conversation that covers grief, fatherhood, relationships, letting go, and what it actually means to play an infinite game. Nick needed tissues. So did we. In this episode: happiness as progress not perfection, priority management vs. time management, the windows and mirrors metaphor, lead indicators for a winning day, the circles of control and influence, the be-do-have equation, treating life like a scientist, grief as unexpressed love, the infinite game, defining your own success, the wheel of life, and what it feels like to be a girl dad of teenagers. Nick Kellar is a real estate entrepreneur and mentor based in the Baltimore area, passionate about community impact and helping people in his industry and beyond define their own version of success. LinkedIn https://www.linkedin.com/in/nick-kellar/ Heidi Shoemaker-Burnett is the executive function coach who connected Hannah with Nick. LinkedIn https://www.linkedin.com/in/shoemakerburnett/ BOOKS MENTIONED IN THE EPISODE The Happiness Hypothesis [https://amzn.to/4utNAlc] by Jonathan Haidt: Nick cites this as a foundation for his belief that happiness is in progress, not arrival. The Almanack of Naval Ravikant [https://amzn.to/4upVcW0] compiled by Eric Jorgenson: Naval's philosophy on wealth, peace of mind, and the cost of desire maps closely onto Nick's framework throughout the conversation. The Four Disciplines of Execution [https://amzn.to/49S0MZH] by Chris McChesney, Sean Covey, and Jim Huling: The source of Nick's lead indicators framework, which he adapted from business execution into a personal philosophy for identifying what actually constitutes a winning day. Think Again [https://amzn.to/3QvL3Jh] by Adam Grant: Nick recommends this in the context of holding your perspectives loosely and being willing to consider that you might be wrong. Thinking, Fast and Slow [https://amzn.to/4gfCcFY] by Daniel Kahneman: Hannah brings this in alongside Nick's "scientist vs. attorney" reframe, pointing to System 1 thinking (automatic, bias-prone) and System 2 thinking (effortful, reflective). The Infinite Game [https://amzn.to/43odwUs] by Simon Sinek: Nick calls Sinek one of his favorite authors and cites this book specifically for the reframe that business and life are not finite win-lose games but ongoing processes of improvement and impact. Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters [https://amzn.to/43Z73PQ] by Meg Meeker: Nick returns to this one as he navigates the teenage years with his daughters, taking comfort in the reminder to keep showing up, meet them where they are, and be their hero. The Breakthrough Years [https://amzn.to/4w2Jd2J] by Ellen Galinsky: Hannah recommends this to Nick during the closing conversation about parenting teenagers. It covers adolescent development through an executive function lens and draws on interviews with over 1,000 teenagers about what they wish adults understood about them. Reach out to us! Email us at icanbehappier@gmail.com or visit http://icanbehappier.com/icanbehappier.com [http://icanbehappier.com/]. This podcast is not a substitute for professional mental health support. Please reach out to a qualified licensed provider if you need help. As an Amazon affiliate, we get a small percentage of the sale of any books you purchase through our links. It's an easy way to support us! Thank you!

Your Executive Function Skills Want You To Be Happier | Ep. 6

In this episode, Hannah and Amy revisit the strategies from their conversation with Neha, Hannah's therapist and a psychotherapist with nearly a decade of experience, and put an executive function spin on them. If you haven't listened to http://icanbehappier.comEpisode 3 — What Hannah's Therapist Wants You to Know About Happiness [http://icanbehappier.com] yet, start there first as this episode is a direct callback to it and builds on everything Neha shared. Executive function skills are the cognitive tools that get us through our days: attention, memory, task initiation, planning, prioritization, time management, cognitive flexibility, self-regulation, organization, metacognition, and goal-directed persistence. Hannah and Amy make the case that these skills don't just help us function, they help us be happier. And as it turns out, many of the strategies for building happiness are also, quietly, exercises in building executive function. We walk through frameworks for organizing and prioritizing your wellbeing, including the PERMA model and the Covey Quadrants, and then dig into the practical, in-the-trenches strategies: how to push through discomfort and why the research says it's worth it, how to tell the difference between being unhappy and just being uncomfortable, how to challenge the stories you're telling yourself with the Table Exercise, why naming your emotions actually moves you out of your emotional brain and into your thinking brain, and how to build a gratitude or mindfulness practice that actually fits your life rather than the one you think you're supposed to have. In this episode: the PERMA model through an EF lens, Covey Quadrants, Zones of Growth, pushing through discomfort, cognitive flexibility, the Table Exercise, name it to tame it, gratitude practice, mindfulness without the ohm, metacognition, and why you don't have to do any of this perfectly - you just have to take a step. MENTIONED IN THE EPISODE Episode 3 — What Hannah's Therapist Wants You to Know About Happiness [http://icanbehappier.com] The episode this one builds on directly. Neha introduces the PERMA model, the RAIN framework, cognitive flexibility, flow states, and more. Start here if you haven't already. The PERMA Model: Developed by psychologist Martin Seligman, PERMA stands for Positive Emotions, Engagement, Relationships, Meaning, and Accomplishment. It's one of the most widely used frameworks in positive psychology for understanding and assessing wellbeing. https://positivepsychology.com/perma-model/Learn more here. [https://positivepsychology.com/perma-model/] Covey Quadrants / Eisenhower Matrix: A prioritization tool that organizes tasks by urgency and importance, helping you figure out where to focus your time and energy. Hannah and Amy suggest using it alongside the PERMA model to figure out which areas of your wellbeing need the most attention right now. See the matrix here. [https://www.eisenhower.me/eisenhower-matrix/] Zones of Growth Model: The comfort zone, fear zone, learning zone, and growth zone. A visual model that maps the journey from safety into discomfort and out the other side into actual growth. See it here. [https://www.coachabilityfoundation.org/post/navigating-from-comfort-zone-to-growth-zone] Moshe Bar research on pushing through discomfort: Hannah references research showing that pushing through discomfort supports mood, builds resilience, improves physical health, slows aging-related processes, and strengthens executive function skills. Learn more here. [https://www.wsj.com/health/wellness/dont-get-too-comfortable-your-quality-of-life-depends-on-it-a4440a85?st=WPeSGC&reflink=desktopwebshare_permalink] The Table Exercise: Neha's cognitive reframing tool, described in detail by Hannah in the episode. When you have a sticky negative thought, especially one with an absolute in it like "never" or "always," draw a table. Write the thought at the top. Under each leg, write a piece of your supporting evidence. Then reframe each leg, looking for opportunity within it. When all four legs are reframed, rewrite the thought at the top. It's a pause, a regulation tool, and a mindset shift all in one. Works best when you write it out. Name It to Tame It: Coined by Dr. Daniel Siegel. When you name an emotion out loud, you literally move from the emotional part of your brain into the language and thinking parts, which is why it works. It's not just a nice idea, it's neuroscience. https://drdansiegel.comLearn more about Dr. Siegel's work here. [https://drdansiegel.com] Dan Harris: Hannah references Dan Harris talking about meditation as a bicep curl for the brain and meditating in Times Square. His book https://www.amazon.com/10-Happier-Self-Help-Actually-Works/dp/0062265431/ref=asc_df_0062265431?tag=bingshoppinga-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=80883033960554&hvnetw=o&hvqmt=e&hvbmt=be&hvdev=c&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=82751&hvtargid=pla-4584482511927798&psc=1&msclkid=f09918cedf1b13bc4d6572d58297460810% Happier [https://www.amazon.com/10-Happier-Self-Help-Actually-Works/dp/0062265431/ref=asc_df_0062265431?tag=bingshoppinga-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=80883033960554&hvnetw=o&hvqmt=e&hvbmt=be&hvdev=c&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=82751&hvtargid=pla-4584482511927798&psc=1&msclkid=f09918cedf1b13bc4d6572d582974608] and his https://www.danharris.com/podcast10% Happier [https://www.danharris.com/podcast] podcast [https://www.danharris.com/podcast] are both worth exploring if you're curious about meditation but skeptical - he's one of the most honest and accessible voices on the topic. Growth Mindset: Amy references this in the context of pushing through discomfort and building resilience. The concept was developed by psychologist Carol Dweck and is the foundation of her book https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/40745.MindsetMindset: The New Psychology of Success [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/40745.Mindset]. Worth knowing the research behind it. Hannah’s blog post on cognitive flexibility Read Hannah's blog post [https://www.hannahchoi.me/executive-function-blog/what-is-cognitive-flexibility] on her website about cognitive flexibility and how we can benefit from and practice it. Gratitude journaling research: It really is science-backed, not woo-woo. https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/topic/gratitude/definition#why-practice-gratitudeThis overview from the Greater Good Science Center [https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/topic/gratitude/definition#why-practice-gratitude] pulls together some of the best research on why gratitude practice works and how to do it well. Five-year line-a-day journal: Hannah kept one for five years and used it as a gratitude journal. She says looking back on it, especially through the pandemic, was genuinely helpful. https://www.amazon.com/Canvas-One-Line-Day-Five-Year/dp/1452174792/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3FRPMXS6MOACV&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.1EslZFsi_DImTzgeioh8nE4RadK0M6O_Nd2_lnJ3VIbEYxaHYdu04u4WebP9iPUlW1oCPd_Q5A6d0E8g2kFYKIJtAEZIgJhkVLqbdKhBLnzRQDde2sGaIEjCm1U72J8Gfj-_GZd0tSweUqn_v-vzaMx8kKUqrgnPTfbRcc9zNab1FP_nR7jrJpgjIHyxVvOg7Mqp8zjN31kIOHnDBIUgzL7uHY8AYUKUX3_XXL5Qx5M.rFa8U-9iFFs15PmOhsBZEl7ofCL3_NecD62AdlqFbfc&dib_tag=se&keywords=5+year+line+a+day+journa%3B&qid=1780178498&sprefix=5+year+line+a+day+journa+%2Caps%2C197&sr=8-1Here's the journal she used. [https://amzn.to/4uaFRIN] ADDITIONAL RESOURCES Atomic Habits [https://jamesclear.com/atomic-habits] by James Clear: Almost everything Hannah and Amy talk about in this episode, including small steps, consistent routines, building habits that stick, maps directly onto James Clear's framework. If you want the science and the system behind why starting small actually works, this is the book. Reach out to us! Email us at icanbehappier@gmail.com or visit http://icanbehappier.com/icanbehappier.com [http://icanbehappier.com/]. This podcast is not a substitute for professional mental health support. Please reach out to a qualified licensed provider if you need help. As an Amazon affiliate, we get a small percentage of the sale of any books you purchase through our links. It's an easy way to support us! Thank you!

What Grief Taught Me About Happiness, with Jody LaVoie | Ep. 5

In this episode, Hannah and Amy sit down with Jody LaVoie, who became a grief coach after the most unimaginable of circumstances, the murder of her husband Steve eleven years ago. What began as survival mode, taking over her husband's business, raising three young daughters alone, became, over time, a profound journey of self-discovery, resilience, and a new, deeper understanding of what happiness actually means. Jody shared with us honesty about the non-linear messiness of grief, about the guilt of laughing too soon, about learning to trust yourself when there's no one to make decisions with, and about the slow, surprising ways that loss can add meaning to a life rather than only taking from it. This is one of the most important conversations we've had on the show, and it's worth listening to even if you haven't experienced loss like this, because as Jody says, grief isn't only about death. It's about any major life transition that changes who you are. We dig into the stages of grief and why the model is so often misunderstood. We talk about what people say to grieving people that actually doesn't help and what does. Jody talks her job as a grief coach and how she walks beside someone in their grief rather than taking it on, and about the moment she realized that helping other widows find their path forward was where her joy lived. In this episode: the non-linear nature of grief, the guilt of joy, what grieving people actually need from the people around them, how to find your people, the unexpected gifts of loss, grief as any major life transition, present-moment happiness, and the courage it takes to keep going. MENTIONED IN THE EPISODE Jodie LaVoie [https://www.widowsintheworkplace.com/] works one-on-one with widows virtually to help them find their new path forward and rediscover their identity. She also offers corporate grief workshops to help employees and managers better support each other through major life transitions. If you're a widow, or know someone who is, Jody welcomes inquiries and consultations. Jody's Guide to Joy & blog posts can be found here: Free Resources | Widows in the Workplace [https://www.widowsintheworkplace.com/free-resources] The five (and six) stages of grief [https://grief.com/the-five-stages-of-grief/]: Originally developed by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. A sixth stage, finding meaning, was later added by David Kessler. As Jody emphasizes, these stages are not linear, not sequential, and not a checklist. You can experience multiple stages in the same hour. "American Pie" by Don McLean: Steve's song. Listen here. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PRpiBpDy7MQ&list=PL-9zk0gg1jJ_jVnze-nWHylGEeY_gdL3u] ADDITIONAL RESOURCES It's OK That You're Not OK [https://amzn.to/4dpPbmU] by Megan Devine: The book that doesn't try to fix grief or rush you through it. Deeply aligned with Jody's message that grieving people want to be heard, not fixed. Option B [https://amzn.to/4tWLz0O] by Sheryl Sandberg & Adam Grant: About resilience and building a meaningful life after loss. Accessible and honest. The Year of Magical Thinking [https://amzn.to/4f5GmzY] by Joan Didion: The classic memoir on grief. Raw, literary, and unlike anything else on the subject. What's Your Grief [https://whatsyourgrief.com]: One of the best grief education resources online. Articles, courses, and tools for people navigating loss of all kinds. Modern Loss [https://amzn.to/4dH2pKG]: Essays and community around grief. Human, candid, and decidedly non-clinical. Open to Hope [https://opentohope.com]: A nonprofit resource for people coping with loss, founded by grief professionals. Reach out to us! Email us at icanbehappier@gmail.com or visit http://icanbehappier.com/icanbehappier.com [http://icanbehappier.com/]. This podcast is not a substitute for professional mental health support. Please reach out to a qualified licensed provider if you need help. As an Amazon affiliate, we get a small percentage of the sale of any books you purchase through our links. It's an easy way to support us! Thank you!

Ian Paynton Hasn't Arrived Yet, and That's Okay With Him | Ep. 4

In this episode, Hannah and Amy sit down with Ian Paynton, an entrepreneur and content agency owner who built his dream life in Hanoi, Vietnam, and then found himself asking a question he wasn't prepared for: now what? Ian takes us back to a childhood shaped by anxiety, loss, and a fierce determination to take care of his family and how that became fuel for decades of relentless performance mode, chasing a ladder of success he'd defined as 10 million pounds. He built the business, moved to Vietnam, got married, and checked every box. And still, the feeling he was waiting for never quite arrived. Together we explore the https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/arrival-fallacyarrival fallacy [https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/arrival-fallacy], the well-documented phenomenon where reaching a goal delivers far less happiness than we expected, and its close companion, hedonic adaptation, the brain's tendency to normalize new circumstances and quietly reset our baseline. Ian's story is one of the most honest and human illustrations of both. The conversation closes with a beautiful reframe: that happiness isn't a destination, it's a butterfly that lands on you and floats away. What lasts is contentment, and that lives in the middle ground. In this episode: the arrival fallacy, hedonic adaptation, anxiety as fuel, performance mode, contentment vs. happiness, discipline as grounding, the courage of hard conversations, and what it means to finally live in alignment with your values. Find Ian: We Create Content [https://wecreatecontent.vn/] Ian is a brand director, podcast host, and former journalist and magazine editor based in Hanoi, Vietnam. Books recommended by Ian: THE TOOLS [https://amzn.to/3Rt7VsW] by Phil Stutz and Barry Michels Learning to Love Midlife: 12 Reasons Why Life Gets Better with Age [https://amzn.to/49AAA5y] by Chip Conley Reach out to us! Email us at hello@icanbehappier.com [hello@icanbehappier.com] or visit http://icanbehappier.com/icanbehappier.com [http://icanbehappier.com/]. This podcast is not a substitute for professional mental health support. Please reach out to a qualified licensed provider if you need help. As an Amazon affiliate, we get a small percentage of the sale of any books you purchase through our links. It's an easy way to support us! Thank you!

What Hannah's Therapist Taught Us About Happiness, with Neha Aamir, LPC | Ep. 3

In this episode, Hannah and Amy sit down with Neha Aamir, a psychotherapist with nearly a decade of experience - and yes, Hannah's own therapist. Together they explore what happiness really is, why it looks so different across cultures, and why the Western model of "get the house, the car, the job" often leaves us feeling empty. Neha introduces the PERMA model [https://positivepsychology.com/perma-model/] (Positive Emotions, Engagement, Relationships, Meaning, and Accomplishment) and explains why noticing joy is actually a skill, not a personality trait. We dig into the power of cognitive flexibility, the difference between being unhappy and being uncomfortable, and why relationships remain the single biggest predictor of wellbeing, for better and for worse. We also walk through the RAIN framework [https://adaa.org/living-with-anxiety/personal-stories/rain-mindful-framework-addressing-anxious-thoughts] (Recognize, Accept, Investigate, Nurture) as a practical tool for sitting with hard emotions instead of avoiding them, and close with a deeply personal conversation about when they each last felt truly happy. In this episode: cultural perspectives on happiness, hedonic adaptation, the PERMA model, cognitive flexibility, self-trust, flow states, the zones of growth, and why emotional intelligence peaks at 82 (yes, really). Find Neha: Neha Aamir, Licensed Professional Counselor, Milford, CT, 06460 | Psychology Today [https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/neha-aamir-milford-ct/1052664] She currently practices in Connecticut and welcomes inquiries and consultations. Reach out to us! Email us at icanbehappier@gmail.com [icanbehappier@gmail.com] or visit icanbehappier.com [http://icanbehappier.com]. This podcast is not a substitute for professional mental health support. Please reach out to a qualified licensed provider if you need help.