Losing a Child: Always Andy's Mom

Episode 300. It's hard to wrap my head around a number that big. Hundreds of beautiful stories. Thousands of listeners. Later this summer, we will reach another milestone: the 7th anniversary of Andy's death—14 years of having Andy here on Earth and 7 years of Andy in heaven. Another concept that is so difficult to comprehend. In today's episode, Gwen plays host and interviews Eric and me as we discuss the podcast and its growth over the past six years. The addition of our videographer, Jen, has been an incredible blessing as she has created beautiful video clips to share on Instagram and Facebook (@alwaysandysmom). These videos have helped us all see the featured children in real life, so to speak. Over the next few days, you will be able to see Andy featured for the first time! We also talked about our recent family trip. Vacations can be difficult after losing a child. Part of us may feel like we don't want to make new, wonderful memories without our loved one. Certainly, there were moments of sadness and tears as we traveled, thinking of Andy and knowing how much he would have loved it. We made a point of taking Andy's teddy bear, Herky, along on the trip and capturing pictures with him every single day. Herky had his special pouch in the backpack and made appearances at St. Peter's Square, the canals of Venice, and the Acropolis. Our 'Herky pictures' certainly did not replace having Andy with us, but they gave us all a moment to think about him and feel like a tiny bit of him was there. As we start our next 100 episodes, I look forward to seeing what new changes lie ahead. The first addition will be the opportunity to share your child on the podcast in a unique way. While some people want to share their child on an episode, others may never feel ready for such a step. I was inspired by Michael's Madre, who offered to sponsor the full cost of her episode, which is $125. Now, I invite others to do the same. If you feel called to sponsor all (or part of) an episode in your child's name, visit the Donate Page on andysmom.com, and their name will be announced in the introduction. Thank you all so much for the love and support you have shown me. The podcast has blessed me in more ways than I could have ever realized. I cannot imagine what my life would be like today without it.

"I'm good." This was a common response that Mary Beth's son, Michael, used when he didn't want to do something or go somewhere. "Michael, do you want to come with me?" "I'm good." It almost became a bit of a family joke. After Michael died 18 months ago at 21 years of age, his brother, a talented artist, wrote a cartoon depicting Michael in heaven. In the cartoon, his brother was longing to have Michael back with them, here on earth, with their family, so he called heaven. When Jesus answered the phone, he was asked if he could send Michael back home. Jesus responded, "Let me go ask him." Michael's response was typical Michael - "I'm good." The problem, of course, is that although Mary Beth is sure that Michael is 'good', Mary Beth is not. She and their entire family miss Michael terribly. Michael is the second of five sons in an incredibly close family. Although Michael had a long history of anxiety struggles, his family thought he was great. He seemed happy and was completing his college education with a degree in biology. He was a brilliant and talented young man with a bright future ahead of him.  Unbeknownst to his family, however, Michael was suffering inside. Mary Beth was shocked when she found him dead in the room where he had been living at his grandparents' house, and more shocked when they learned that he had taken his own life. After searching his computer, they found an unsent email where he described having homicidal and suicidal thoughts. He was suffering a mental breakdown and shared that he feared that he might kill other people. In that moment, he seemed to feel like the way to protect others was to die himself. Mary Beth did not know how she could go on living after losing Michael, but day by day, she is doing just that. Each day is a challenge, but Mary Beth continues to get up, go to work, and parent their four living boys. Does she expect to cry daily? Of course she does. Can she honestly answer, 'I'm good' when she is asked? Definitely not. But, until that day comes, Mary Beth clings to the knowledge that Michael is most certainly ‘good’ up in heaven.

I have long loved Faith's Lodge and, since the early days of the podcast, hoped that someday, I might be able to talk with someone from that wonderful organization. Now, that wish became a reality. Today's guest, Kelly, is not a bereaved mom herself, but she was at the side of her sister when she lost her 12-year-old son, Carter, almost 15 years ago. As I listened to Kelly, I was struck by how instinctively she did so much 'right' after Carter died. Logistically, she handled so much for her sister in those first days and weeks, but perhaps even more importantly, she kept Carter a part of their everyday lives in the months and years that followed. When holidays came, Kelly made sure that Carter was remembered. Kelly continued to ask for parenting advice from her older sister, asking, "When this happened to Carter, what did you do?" Shortly after Carter died, Kelly's sister's family attended a retreat at Faith's Lodge. Her sister shared that for the first time, she felt like she could fully be herself and not have to wear a mask and try to hide. Then, 13 years ago, while golfing at a charity golf event, Kelly was asked if she might consider leaving her job and becoming the executive director of a non-profit organization. She had no interest in leaving her job, but politely asked the name of the organization - Faith's Lodge. The tears came, and then, long hours of considering a career change. With her sister's blessing, Kelly started the job that has since become her passion. Under Kelly's guidance, the organization expanded to be even more than an amazing year-round retreat center. They developed a program for employers called 'Hope Works Here' to give businesses tools to help bereaved parents return to work successfully. This month, more big changes came to Faith's Lodge as they undergo a rebranding in order to more clearly define their mission and purpose. Their new name is the Child Loss Foundation [https://www.childlossfoundation.org/]. They still offer their incredible retreats at Faith's Lodge (although they hope to spread to additional locations). They still offer resources for employers, now called Child Loss at Work. Additionally, the organization merged with another Minnesota non-profit formerly called The BeliEve Foundation, in order to expand their mission of offering immediate financial support for newly bereaved families. I have long known that Faith's Lodge was a magical place, but now, I can't wait to see how many more lives they will be able to touch as they grow and expand.

From the first pages of reading the memoir written by today's guest, Sally McQuillen, I was quite honestly hooked. 'Reaching for Beautiful: A Memoir of Loving and Losing a Wild Child' [https://www.amazon.com/Reaching-Beautiful-Memoir-Loving-Losing/dp/1647428602/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3K55CVEDDMBOH&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.G3CNdctxYMCr_kvsCWdsaQa4cBLxdOkcnSrwxKy2Bk0.a-3EUczDiaBKMJxbcyMuIY13S1gT3a0eEVvH16i1DH8&dib_tag=se&keywords=reaching+for+beautiful+a+memoir+of+loving+and+losing+a+wild+child&qid=1746666515&sprefix=loving+and+losing+a+wild%2Caps%2C144&sr=8-1] is an absolutely beautiful story that Sally wrote after losing her 21-year-old son, Christopher, in a boating accident shortly after Christmas. Sally shares that as she raised Christopher, she often found herself worrying about him. Christopher is described as a 'wild child' who suffered from addiction and loved to take risks. He lived every part of his life in a big way. Parenting Christopher was truly a roller coaster ride for Sally and her husband.  After losing Christopher, Sally's life was forever changed. She says that one of the greatest lessons that she learned both from raising and losing Christopher was to learn to let go of fear and instead cling to love. Sally had to "make losing Christopher a permission slip to be compassionate" with herself. Over the next months and years, Sally was challenged to let go of the fear, guilt, and regret in order to forgive herself and move forward with life. This was certainly not a quick process. Sally says it took her seven years to feel a sense of normalcy in her life after Christopher died. After Jen, my Instagram and Facebook videographer, watched the video of today's interview, she wrote to me that she felt so comforted when she heard Sally say that it took that long to feel 'normal' again. This is the biggest takeaway from this episode. There is no timeline for grief. Everyone’s journey is their own. Some people appear to move faster and some slower, but it is not right or wrong. We need to take that lesson from Sally and give ourselves 'permission slips' when we think about our grief.  This brings me back to Sally's beautiful memoir. I found myself feeling so much love as I read this story, whether it was reading about Christopher's struggles in life or about Sally's grief after he died. The book is described as 'a luminous story of how love triumphs over pain, love transcends fear, and love never dies.' I couldn't agree more. Thank you, Sally.

Today's guest, Teresa Davis, currently goes by another name - The Grief Mentor [https://thegriefmentor.com/]. She hosts a podcast that is released twice a week. On the podcast, Teresa works to 'shine a light into the shadows, helping you discover that joy and pain can coexist, and that you can still have a purpose here on earth.' In addition to the podcast, Teresa offers a free grief survival guide, a free grief masterclass, a grief worship playlist, weekly newsletter, monthly support groups, and even one-on-one Grief Mentor sessions. As amazing as all of these things are, however, the thing that I admire most about Teresa is her sharing of the story that got her to this place of hope and healing in her grief journey. Though Teresa had a strong faith and was leading Bible studies, that faith was rocked to its core the day her oldest son, Andrew, a 32-year-old commercial pilot, was killed in a plane crash. She says that the world lost its color that day. She felt betrayed by God. God could have protected Andrew that day, but he didn't. She had devoted her life to God, but she felt He had failed her. Over the following months, Teresa found herself at a crossroads. She could either continue living in the darkness or she could choose to rebuild her life. Interestingly, a visit to the plane crash site months after the accident became a pivotal moment in her life. The smell of jet fuel was still in the air as she searched for where the cockpit had crashed into the ground. Suddenly, she heard God's voice in her head repeating Scripture - 'Why do you look for the living among the dead? He is not here.' Instead of feeling like the place of death and destruction, the crash site began to feel like a holy spot, the place where Andrew began his new life in heaven.  Over the next months and years, Teresa's faith continued to grow and evolve. It took on a strength it had never had before. Teresa began to pray, 'Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief.' He has answered this prayer again and again. Now, by working as the Grief Mentor, Teresa takes other grieving parents by the hand, showing them how to feel joy in the midst of chaos.