Meditate the s**t out of that MF

Meditate the s**t out of that MF

Above is a guided meditation to help you find the gumption to be mindful all day long. Below is me reading the essay that follows: Back when I was in school to become a psychotherapist, I was in the thick of high achieving young adulthood— running barefoot, biking 10 miles to and from my field placement, even in subzero temperatures. And of course, striving for academic perfection. Most graduate programs pile on a workload that is essentially impossible for one person to successfully complete while also taking care of themselves by doing things like sleeping, and this one was no different. I was hell-bent on doing it all, and doing it well. And I did— graduating with a 4.0 GPA. (For the record, over a decade later, that perfect score has been utterly useless to me, except as a bragging point for this essay.) I also wanted to make sure that I was keeping up with my meditation practice, so I meditated for 2 hours a day— once in the morning, and once in the evening. I never missed a day. And I was completely miserable. I was depressed, anxious, fighting intensely with James, and all that time on the cushion felt like it was doing nothing to help my mental health, let alone getting me across to the further shore. This was the beginning of a lesson for me about the value of integrating practice into your whole life, and what it can look like when you get complacent on your path, confining your practice only to your time on the cushion. By meditating for two hours a day, and forgetting mindfulness the rest of the day, I was giving myself permission to hang out in default mode (which for me was striving, overachievement, and being hard on myself) for the bulk of my life. The two hours that I “meditated” became two hours spent daydreaming instead of actually noticing what was happening. A lot of high achievers like myself can be led to believe that their determination and drive is an unfortunate obstacle to their liberation. And so we end up restraining, beating back, and trying to tame or even destroy our own ambition and perfectionism. But the Buddha actually used the word perfection to describe the experience of enlightenment, and the quality of determination (or resolve) is one of the ten [https://www.spiritrock.org/practice-guides/the-ten-perfections] https://www.spiritrock.org/practice-guides/the-ten-perfectionsperfections [https://www.spiritrock.org/practice-guides/the-ten-perfections] of the heart, to be developed for awakening. So ambition and perfectionism actually do have a place on the path. It’s just that to apply that kind of ambition to meditation practice requires some fine-tuning. Otherwise you’ll be taking a jackhammer to your miniature Japanese Zen garden. Here are a few ways to take full advantage of your sense of determination: 1. Gentle Persistence We often use our determination in a way that is too heavy-handed. We go hard, and then, exhausted, we tap out. We train for a marathon, and then get drunk after the race. We diet, and then we binge. We sit for an hour in the morning, and then we stop being mindful for the rest of the day. Instead of going hard on the gas and then getting depleted, what’s needed to fully take advantage of our determination is gentle persistence. Now that I have two young kids, I can no longer meditate for two hours a day, let alone get five minutes to myself in the bathroom. So I’ve been forced to integrate practice into my day in every way possible. This is where an ambitious nature comes in very handy. How many moments can you find today to notice your body? When there’s down time, can you use it to do nothing instead of check your phone? What if you pick one or two activities that you do regularly, like brushing your teeth or waiting at a stop light, and turn them into your meditation? Pepper your day with mini-moments of mindfulness, and being present will become easier and easier as your in-the-world practice gains its own momentum. Meditate Your Face Off is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. 2. Just learn one new thing To invoke my own natural sense of curiosity and add more intrinsic motivation to practice, I like to ask “what insight might come if I stay present right now?” This is often useful if I notice my mind being particularly slippery: wanting to get lost in thought or to engage in some addictive or unhealthy habit. Regardless of whether I end up reaching for my phone or filling my mouth with whipped cream from an aerosol can, can I learn something from it? What if I pause and feel my body right before I do it? What if I slow that activity down? And if I do, what new insight might I have into that habit, why I do it, what it’s helping me not to feel, what need I’m trying to meet? 3. Notice Doubt Doubt, especially in the form of “I can’t do this” may be the greatest force in tricking us into not practicing. We think we can’t, so we don’t try. Doubt tells us that this situation is too hard to be with, that we personally are not good enough at mindfulness to be with it, or that mindfulness itself is somehow flawed or not the right tool for the job. Look for the thought “I don’t think I can do this” and ask, “what would happen if I try?" This brings me to number four: 4. Be mindful when it’s hardest We could view moments where we’re triggered the way we might tackle some personal challenge that we enjoy, like climbing a mountain or beating the boss at the end of a Super Mario level. Whenever it gets hard, see if you can turn it into a game: can I stay present, even through this? This doesn’t mean you have to stare directly into the hardest part of what’s happening, in fact being with something soothing is often the way to go here— feeling your breath, your feet, looking out a window. Find what helps you stay with yourself, rather than the habitual self-abandonment that we tend to do when we’re having a difficult moment. I have had insight just as transformative from practicing this way in my regular life as I’ve had from all those long meditation retreats I’ve done. Life throws us challenging situations, sometimes so challenging that we lie awake at 3AM asking why does God hate me? But maybe God doesn’t hate you. Maybe these situations are all here because we’re actually ready for them, like we’ve played the game so well that we’re finally ready to face the boss. And the boss is here to help us awaken. * * * This is just a sampling of ways that ambition can be our friend on the path to awakening. There are many more. What are some ways that your ambition or perfectionism has worked for you in your practice? Please share them in the comments below. Your ambition is not in your way. It is actually what will help you to find your gentle persistence, to pause in the times that it’s hardest to pause, and to keep learning and loving in the face of all that life throws your way. The thing you've been trying to fix about yourself is exactly what you need to awaken. So go meditate the s**t out of that motherfucker. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit caralai.substack.com/subscribe [https://caralai.substack.com/subscribe?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_2]

The healing power of generosity

Above is a guided meditation to help you find your authentic generosity. Below is me reading the essay that follows: A few days ago, I picked my son Huck up from nursery school. When we arrived at home, he had a complete meltdown. Nearby birds cried out in alarm and took flight as he screamed and flailed in my arms, demanding snacks, to watch a show, to go to a playground. He’s three, so this is normal, but still painful to witness. I sat outside with him and his baby sister in the grass, waiting for things to calm down. But after 10 minutes, the storm was showing no signs of passing. I brought him into the house for a change of scenery, and there he spotted a pair of toddler-size rubber cleaning gloves I had bought for him. “Are those my size?” he asked, his tears evaporating. He proceeded to clean two toilets, the shower, and the kitchen sink with extreme delight, asking, “what else can I clean?” There’s a parenting book that I love called “Hunt, Gather, Parent” by Michaeleen Doucleff, about how to raise helpful kids. A main point of the book is that children have an innate drive to feel useful and belong. They naturally want to be functional members of their family team, and Western parenting tends to inadvertently suppress that drive by excluding kids from real work, underestimating their capabilities, and intervening too much with their contributions. I believe everyone has this innate drive to belong and to help. I might even argue that our purpose in life is to help each other. If we’re not serving this purpose, we become depressed, sick, or have our own version of a toddler meltdown. Doucleff says if a child is misbehaving, give them a job: “When a child breaks rules, acts demanding, or seems ‘willful,’ their parents need to put them to work. The child is saying, ‘Hey, Mom, I’m underemployed over here and it doesn’t feel good.’” If your mind is misbehaving— feeling selfish, demanding, or mean: look for ways to be generous. In Buddhism, generosity is not just a side practice. It’s the main event. The Buddha typically taught generosity to people before he taught them how to meditate. That’s because it’s the most palpable way of letting go— letting go being the key to dissolving attachment, which is the cause of suffering. If you consider what it is to cling— to hold on tightly, to keep for oneself, to feel insecure, separate, to believe that what you’re clinging to is required for your safety and well-being— to be generous is the exact opposite of that. It’s connection instead of separation, the relief of letting go. It comes from trust and a sense of safety, of having enough. Generosity is really just another word that means “the end of suffering.” Meditate Your Face Off is made possible by lots of generous people. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Huck was “misbehaving,” but his misbehavior was just a manifestation of some kind of anxiety. Maybe he needed more love after being put in school for a few hours and then coming home to a mom whose arms were full with his sister and dad gone for the week. Maybe he was having withdrawal from the stimulation of school. Whatever it was, there was some kind of contraction in his heart. What made him feel better was feeling helpful, having a purpose. Generosity softened everything. Generosity is also physically healing. After years of chronic Lyme disease that was only getting worse, trying endless healing protocols that never seemed to help in the slightest, there was one thing that finally began to shift the dial dramatically for me. It was taking care of a baby. Focusing on the welfare of someone else did something to shake everything up for me, to shift the hyper-focus of attention from me and my ailing body to someone else, to give me a purpose. I’m very aware that most people have the opposite postpartum experience than I did, and the last thing I want is for anyone to blame themselves if they went through postpartum depression. Maybe postpartum depression is a manifestation of the rigorous transformation that tears through our soul as the person we once were dies and we are reborn into parenthood. But that’s for another post. And I can’t quite explain why things went the way they did for me. What I can say is this: I have endless things to do for other people at this stage in my life, far more than any one person can handle skillfully. And sometimes I do find myself holding it with aversion, focusing on the unfairness of it all, seeing it as a trap that I’m caught in, and letting that fuel a sense of inadequacy, bitterness, and hopelessness. But I can also realize I’m feeding my demons, feel how it’s impacting my heart, my body, sickening me further, and then choose a different way. Every time I wash the dishes, clean up a poop accident, and listen to my partner’s struggles after having my own chaotic day of toddler and baby meltdowns; I can do it while connecting with a sense of love, compassion, purpose, and joy. In a moment of chaos, instead of languishing in the feelings of inadequacy, overwhelm, and resentment; I can feel for where letting go is ready to happen. I can feel for what’s mine to do, draw from the love that wants to be shared, and give. To practice this, don’t look towards the ways you feel obligated to give. Look for where you naturally feel called to give, even in the tiniest ways. You don’t have to give anyone a smile if you don’t feel like smiling, but maybe it does feel good to give your dog some scratches behind the ears. You don’t have to sign up to make food for that meal train if it’s just too much, but maybe you feel like folding some laundry with love, Marie Kondo style. Keep finding tiny acts of generosity that feel good to do, and let them pepper your day. Not only will this be healing for your body and mind, it will guide you into your purpose. If you’re in a moment of overwhelm, unstick your mind from ideas about what you could or should be doing, and just pause for a few beats. Give yourself permission to do absolutely nothing. Then notice if any inspiration arises for what might be yours to do in that moment. It might be as simple as being a calm presence in the room. The human heart wants to give, and when we let it, it opens up and heals us, body, mind, and spirit. If you found this helpful, check out this drop-in generosity class that I offer. It’s just a half hour, freely offered, and it’s usually pretty fun. All are welcome. Meditate Your Face Off on Spotify and Apple Podcasts You may have noticed that I’ve done some re-branding. This Substack has a new name, Meditate Your Face Off. Talks and guided meditations are also now available on Spotify and Apple Podcasts. Yay! This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit caralai.substack.com/subscribe [https://caralai.substack.com/subscribe?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_2]

Determination without self-flagellation

This is a free preview of a paid episode. To hear more, visit caralai.substack.com [https://caralai.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_7] Meditations and talks from this Substack are now available on Spotify and Apple Podcasts, as a Podcast called Meditate Your Face Off. Scroll to the end of the post for links to that, and for the upcoming Parenting as the Path [https://www.caralai.org/online-classes.html#/] class this Wednesday. Above is a guided meditation on how catch self-doubt as it tricks us out of the present moment, and to stay present anyway. The paid version of this post begins with the same guided meditation, but ends with a dharma talk based off of this essay which I gave for Big Heart City a few days ago. I highly recommend the talk— and if you can’t afford a paid subscription and want one, just message me and I’ll give you one, no questions asked. Below is me reading the written essay that follows: In Western mindfulness teaching, there’s a ton of emphasis on being gentle on yourself. In a culture founded on independence and productivity, a lot of us tend to push ourselves way too hard, so when we go to meditate, we end up berating ourselves into the present moment. Unsurprisingly, this doesn’t work— hence the emphasis on gentleness. But being gentle on yourself is not what this post is about. It’s about the opposite: determination, persistence, and consistency; even when things get hard. Why? I think our gentleness has curdled into capitulation— and now our feelings are running the show. Do you ever use self-care as an excuse to not practice? Do you ever tell yourself that you’re too ADD, too traumatized, or that you’re just not the type of person who can seriously meditate? Do you find yourself highly particular about the situations or people with whom you meditate, or taking action as a way of avoiding turning inward? How might these things actually be self-doubt in disguise, telling you you can’t do it, and keeping you from realizing your full potential? Here are some excuses that self-doubt fabricates to keep us from practicing: Excuse #1: I don’t have time If there’s anyone who gets this one, it’s me. I take care of a toddler and a baby almost full time, keep our family fed and maintain our home, all while piecing together a full-time job as a Dharma teacher. My husband works long hours, is on the volunteer fire department, and is away on business trips at least one week per month. I manage all this by hiring childcare for a couple hours each week and getting help from neighbors, but also staying up late writing dharma talks, recording guided meditations, and finding time for “formal practice” in the middle of the night while nursing the baby. So yeah, I understand being too busy to meditate. But I also know there’s a part of myself that likes to stay busy, because it means I get to avoid certain feelings. We get high off of staying busy, and then when there’s nothing to do, we don’t know how to cope. Just because you don’t have 20 minutes to yourself during the day to sit quietly, doesn’t mean you can’t be mindful. No matter how busy you are, there are approximately one gazillion little pockets throughout every day when we could turn inward, but we typically choose to distract ourselves, check some trivial thing off of our to-do list, or numb out. Where is your mind when you’re driving, or at a stoplight, or waiting in line? When you’re eating? Sitting on the toilet? What about while you brush your teeth, or when you’re in the shower, or even while you’re triggered by something? How many of these moments get filled with daydreaming, planning, checking your phone, or being lost in an opinion about how things should be otherwise? Cumulatively, we might reclaim hours each day by tending to these moments. And that makes a huge difference in our connection to ourselves, to our deeper desires, to our life. So the next time you sit on the toilet, you might have the pleasure of noticing how it actually feels to poop. You’re welcome. Excuse #2: I shouldn’t just be sitting here, I should be doing something There’s too much going on in the world for me to be just sitting here. I need to be out there. Doing something. If you choose to do without attending to your inner world, what will your doing informed by? Before you go outward to do something, have you gone inward and done the practice? If not, whatever you do will still be driven by the same forces of fear, rage, and guilt that all the hallmark of the very problems we are trying to address with our actions. You might already understand intellectually that coming inward is an essential aspect of outward action, but what actually stops you from doing it? When we do restrain ourselves from the impulse to do something, whether its writing to our senator or cleaning the toilet, we tend to encounter a belief that this moment is unbearable. Things are so fucked up and we need to change them before we can hang out in this moment. Which brings me to Excuse #3. This substack is made possible by the generosity of many. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. It really makes a difference! Excuse #3: This situation is whack This moment is a dumpster fire and it needs to change before I can be with it. Everything that’s happening in the world today is out of control, untenable. I feel unsafe in this place, unseen, my access needs are not being met, my identities are not being represented. These are real concerns that have helped shape societies, communities, and meditation spaces to be more inclusive, but if we believe that the world around us needs to be fully accommodating our specific needs before we can practice, we’ll never get around to actually practicing. And sometimes the excuse that this place, these people, these conditions aren’t right— is just a sneaky way that the mind tries to avoid being with something it’s not wanting to feel. Embedded in the line of thinking that we have to a complete sense of safety and belonging before we practice, is the false premise that being mindful requires a prerequisite of homeostasis. The circumstances need to be stable in order for the mind to settle. To some degree this is certainly helpful. And I’d never make the blanket recommendation that you should never try to adjust a situation to feel safer if that’s an option. But what I’m referring to here is situations that are out of our control, that are just going to be tough or unresolved, at least for the time being. And it turns out that most moments are like that. What we’re encountering is our discomfort with not having control. So we reach for our phones or we go into our heads, where it feels like we have some agency over what’s coming into our sensory experience. Nearly all moments feel unresolved. Many are just plain awful. Put less energy into trying to alter them, and more energy into opening to them (and your feelings about them), and your whole life will open up to you. Ultimately, the idea that you have to change a situation before you can be with it is based on the belief that you yourself are somehow flawed, and ill-equipped to exist in this moment. Enter excuse #4: Excuse #4: I’m uniquely broken I have too many neuroses, too much trauma, anxiety, depression, ADHD, I’ve done too many terrible things, I'm too neurodivergent. It’s my self-care to distract. I just can’t do it. If you think your life is fucked up, check out the story of Patacara [https://ancient-buddhist-texts.net/English-Texts/Foremost-Elder-Nuns/04-Patacara.htm]. In short, she rebelled against her parents, eloping with someone they disapproved of. A few years later, her husband, toddler, and newborn die in freak accidents; then she goes home to find her parents dead too. She went crazy. And then she found the dharma and became an arahant. There’s a modern version of this story, too. A woman named Dipa Ma lost two of her three children when they were very young, and her husband. Devastated and desperate, she became determined to find a way out of suffering. She committed herself to practice and persisted, not in spite of the trauma, but because of it. She was a real person who even taught at IMS, and was said to be fully awake. Buddhist literature is packed with stories about people getting enlightened from unlikely or impossible circumstances. For some inspirational reading, check out Aṅgulimāla [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/A%E1%B9%85gulim%C4%81la], Kisa Gotami and the Mustard Seed [https://www.turningwheel.org.uk/buddhist_stories/kisa-gotami-and-the-mustard-seed/], and Sopāka [https://drarisworld.wordpress.com/2024/09/21/arahant-sopaka-enlightened-at-seven-years-of-age/]. This practice has worked on millions of people from all walks of life, to whom the craziest s**t has happened. Do you really think you’re so uniquely broken, and in so much pain, that you are exempt from the possibility of freedom? I submit that it’s highly unlikely that you are that special. And besides, you’ll never know if you don’t try. I’m not trying to shame you. I’m trying to empower you. Naming our diagnoses and issues can be relieving and indeed helpful in finding self-compassion and embracing our uniqueness, until the label becomes used as fuel for our self-doubt. Watch for when self-compassion turns into it’s near-enemy: self-pity. You’ll know because compassion feels open, good, healing, and onward-leading. Self-pity feels small, stuck, contracted and repetitive. I’m also not trying to say that you shouldn’t act skillfully and take care of yourself. But it’s important to pay attention to whether something is actually acting in your deepest interests, or if it’s postponing your awakening, keeping you stuck in the belief that you are helpless and hopeless. *** All four of these excuses have the same thing driving them: self-doubt. And there's one quality that serves as the antidote. The case for turning inward In Buddhism, the quality needed to bring some balance back into the self-doubt epidemic is one of the ten Pāramis (perfections of heart): Determination. Determination is also one of the character traits that is prized in our culture of independence and productivity, and it’s a baby that should not be thrown out with the bathwater. Determination can exist without self-flagellation. In fact, it only really works if it’s paired with compassion and trust in oneself and in the practice. The first thing I find to be helpful when accessing determination is my own natural desire and drive for practice. Why did you start practicing in the first place? What are your deepest wishes for yourself in your life? Write them down, revisit them as often as possible, make a habit of recalling them or reciting them before each sit. Feel into your intrinsic motivation. It will feel good, empowering. The opposite of self-flagellation. With this motivation in mind, get curious about what exactly it is that’s in the way of being present, and challenge yourself to stay anyway. Beneath all of the excuses for not practicing is the belief that we ourselves are inadequate. Sometimes just acknowledging this mindset is enough to challenge that self-doubt, to stand up to it, and to stay present anyway. What if this moment is enough? And what if you have everything you need to be with it? Then, what do you have to be with if you stay? Get curious about that, and you’ll begin to see that there are some subtle beliefs that continue to trick you out of being present. Every time you see them, you reclaim your access to this moment, to respecting and trusting yourself, and to your deepest peace. By the way, all of the above may make it seem like you’ll be encountering some deeply troubling feelings if you choose to stay present. But usually it’s not so dramatic. In fact, the pattern is usually this: we remember we could be being mindful, there’s a subtle recognition of something we’re not wanting to feel, the idea of something more compelling to do besides turn inward, and then the thought “meh, f**k it.” So don’t expect to find some big obvious feeling of inadequacy that sucks you into a pit of self-hatred. Instead, look for the subtle voice that says, “nah.” Seeing this, paying more attention to it, and not letting it dictate what you choose to pay attention to; if done with even some small degree of consistency, will change your life dramatically. Over time, choosing to be mindful over distraction gets easier and easier as we develop a refined taste for the mundane. And not only do we start enjoying simple things, like the way it feels to drink water, the sound of the birds, or a good poop; we also start to get far more interested in our inner world than the doomscroll of our phone. Because it’s way more interesting to have insight, to transform, and to just feel alive; than it is to stay distracted. The more you turn inward, the more confident you become, because you realize that all of the things that you once believed to be in your way: your broken life, your broken heart, your broken brain: like Dipa Ma, you wake up not in spite of these things, but because of them. They all turn out to be the very thing that make you wiser, more compassionate, and more fully alive. Your trauma stops being the problem, and starts being the answer. Everything that happens to you, and everything about you is here for your awakening. But you can’t discover that or make use of any of it if you don’t turn inward, be present, and stay. Meditate Your Face Off on Spotify and Apple Podcasts You may have noticed that I’ve done some re-branding. This Substack has a new name, Meditate Your Face Off. Talks and guided meditations are also now available on Spotify and Apple Podcasts. Yay! Parenting as the Path meets this Wednesday Join Ofosu Jones-Quartey (Born I) [https://substack.com/profile/38431651-ofosu-jones-quartey-born-i] and me for another installment of Parenting as the Path, this Wednesday 5/20 at 4pm ET online. We’ll be talking about shame and messiness in parenting and practice. It’s generosity based, and all are welcome (parents, caregivers, expecting parents, parenting-curious). Click below to find out more, register, and to view recordings of past classes. That’s the end. Nothing below this but a subscribe button. The extra content is in the audio.

You can't pet a cat the way you pet a dog

Above is a guided meditation about listening to yourself and your needs, letting your experience come to you instead of messing with it and constantly trying to make it different/better. Below is me reading the essay that follows: When it comes to sex, some of us are like dogs. You can pet them all over, vigorously and with no warning, and they’ll love every minute of it. Others are like cats. A cat’s trust must be earned. You have to approach slowly, gently, come in from the edges. Eventually, once you’ve been invited in, the cat will soften and purr and splay out deliciously, and then you can pet that pussy to your heart’s content. As a society, we’re dog-forward. We like dogs a lot: they’re outgoing, they never reject us, we never have to feel a drop of shame or insecurity around them. They soothe the fragile part of us that just wants to be liked, to be adored. When it comes to sex, we value canine energy, and feline energy feels more mysterious, less comfortable. It hurts our feelings if we try to pet a cat and it rejects us. But instead of trying to understand it, we’ve rejected it entirely and treat it like a dog. This causes major harm. So if there was one piece of sex advice I could give, it’s that you can’t pet a cat the way you pet a dog. If you understand this, a whole world of pussy will open up to you. And I’m not just talking about in the bedroom, I’m talking about in relationships of every kind, including with yourself. What if you feel your way, gently, with pauses, listening, just wanting to get to know what you’re feeling? What things are you approaching roughly, the way you might approach a dog, that actually need to be approached like a cat? Online Dharma talk with Big Heart City: May 15th I’m excited to be giving another talk at my buddy Vinny Ferraro’s sangha: Big Heart City. It’s late for us east coasters: 10:30pm-12am Eastern Time. Hope to see you there! This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit caralai.substack.com/subscribe [https://caralai.substack.com/subscribe?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_2]

How to sleep when everything is f*cked

This is a free preview of a paid episode. To hear more, visit caralai.substack.com [https://caralai.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_7] The full length version of this meditation is for paid subscribers. If you can’t afford a paid subscription and want one, please message me. I’ll give you one, no questions asked. This is a sleep version of the meditation from the post Let your heart be closed [https://caralai.substack.com/p/let-your-heart-be-closed]. A way of honoring anxiety instead of trying to relax it away. Enjoy, and rest well.