Your Brain Has A Hijacker.

Your Brain Has A Hijacker.

I put out a post on Threads asking what people actually want when it comes to nervous system regulation. Because I could talk shit all day long here, but if it doesn’t HELP you, it doesn’t matter. One woman wrote back: “Understanding emotions as a language. What they’re trying to communicate, how to respond in a way that promotes regulation rather than fueling the spiral.” I love this because who here has been in an argument and had zero idea what the person in front of you was trying to say? Then they get frustrated. You get frustrated that they’re frustrated. Now you’re both pissed off because no one’s speaking the same language anymore and the day ends in an argument no one signed up for. This isn’t uncommon but it is one of the most important practices we can master, as long as we give ourselves patience and practice it with others. What happens here is someone gets emotionally flooded mid-conversation, their nervous system has essentially “hijacked” their rational brain. Recognizing this, and staying regulated yourself, is the difference between a fight and a resolution - but how do we understand what is happening to the person in front of us in real time? What Is Neurological Hijacking? When the person in front of you is heated, two things help: * You understand what’s happening in their nervous system. * You don’t match their escalation. Here’s what’s happening in their brain. When emotions take the wheel instead of logic, that’s neurological hijacking. Very scientific here. I love a good action movie, so entertain me with this analogy. Picture your brain as the opening scene. The prefrontal cortex is the skilled driver of an submarine. Inside the submarine is your judgment, your logic, and your ability to think clearly under pressure. Then, out of nowhere, hijackers ambush the submarine. The leader is the amygdala. The leader (amygdala) doesn’t ask, “Is this actually dangerous?” It sees a threat and takes the wheel, shoving the driver aside. The mission has changed. The sonar which holds your long-term goals, environmental understanding, gets completely ignored and your rational thinking is abandoned. The only objective now is survival with no experience behind the wheel. We are grasping. The amygdala puts everything into emergency mode: * Engine revs higher (heart rate spikes) * Fuel diverts to the engine (blood rushes to your muscles) * Comms shut down (digestion, creativity, complex thought go offline) * Every alarm starts blaring Meanwhile, the prefrontal cortex, your trained strategist, hasn’t disappeared. It’s just zip-tied in the back seat. That’s neurological hijacking. Here’s the thing: the hijackers aren’t evil. In the movie, they think what they are doing is for the GREATER GOOD. They’re trying to keep you alive with the information they have. The problem is they’re running an outdated playbook. To the amygdala, a tense conversation can look a lot like life-threatening danger. Now how do we essentially armor our submarine with better support? Why This Matters Nervous system regulation. Every slow breath, every grounding exercise, every reminder that you’re safe loosens the restraints on the prefrontal cortex. The alarms quiet. The strategist climbs back into the driver’s seat. The mission gets back on course. The goal isn’t to eliminate the work of the amygdala. We need it to keep us alive. It’s our alert system. The goal is making sure it doesn’t hijack our processing center every time someone or something upsets us. This isn’t just relationship advice, it’s biology that affects us in every aspect of our lives. Research [https://psychcentral.com/health/amygdala-hijack]has found an inverse relationship between amygdala and prefrontal cortex activity: the more activated your amygdala gets, the less activated your prefrontal cortex becomes. When emotions run high, blood and oxygen shift away from the part of your brain responsible for clear thinking. You’re not imagining it when a conversation suddenly feels impossible. Your partner’s brain, or yours, is running on fumes simply grasping for whatever will keep you afloat, rather than what is the best way to move forward. How to Talk to Someone Who’s Dysregulated Best advice I’ve ever gotten: treat these interactions like you’re talking to a two-year-old. Or maybe you are??? Assume the person in front of you doesn’t know what they’re saying, and neither do you. This happened to me last night with my husband. We went for a couples massage 🤤 and right after, he started telling about something that came up for him while he was on the table. He specifically used the word “entangled” in regards to larger concepts and I was NOT following. He was getting pretty frustrated with my response and I genuinely had to check myself so… I went back to the toddler concept. When a toddler doesn’t have the words for what they’re feeling and get frustrated, the shutdown on their end may look like: * A temper tantrum * Isolation * Anger * Defeated tears Adults do this too. We just forgot that we are working with the same system as a toddler, and although we would hope a little more knowledge, that’s not always the case. So how do you talk to someone who’s dysregulated? First: sometimes you have to be the regulated one. Full stop. We live in a selfish culture and if someone doesn’t naturally slot into our lives, we cancel them. But sometimes people just need guidance and a little love. So even when you want to be the toddler who shuts down, you have to be the one who guides the conversation toward regulating BOTH of you. All of these will take deep levels of self-awareness, which if you stick around here - you’ll be a pro. Steps to Listen to Emotions as a Language * Listen without judgment. When my husband first told me what he was experiencing, I was tired and thought “what the hell is he talking about?” Then I caught myself judging him through my own somatic lens, which is nothing like his and took a step back. * Notice your physical reaction. If you flinch or tense up or pull a face, remind yourself: they’re allowed to feel things too. Even if we don’t like it. If understanding how you physically manifest dissatisfaction is new to you: * Say you’re processing. You don’t owe an instant response, but you do owe them a form of communication. I get SO aggravated when my husband goes quiet, which used to send us down a dark path because I’d assume he was ignoring me. Now we use a filler phrase: “I don’t have an answer to that right now.” That’s it. It helps me understand he is listening, and it helps him process. Not everything has to be immediate, it’s okay to take time. * Ask clarifying questions the second things start sounding foreign. It helps you understand what they are trying to get at and it helps them sharpen what they’re actually trying to say. Open ended clarifying questions (why, how, where, when) invite more opportunity for explanation. Closed questions get a yes or no to solidify. * Detach from the outcome. You can’t predict anyone’s emotions, no matter how well you know them. Stay present and care enough to reach a resolution, but stop trying to steer toward the outcome you want. When someone’s deeply dysregulated, they might get annoyed by all the over-communicating. Stay gentle. Stay open. They’ll come around. The goal: help them find the root, then work on choosing a path forward. If this pattern shows up in your relationships, or you want to go deeper on nervous system regulation, that’s the work I do 1:1. [Book a coaching session [https://tiadevincenzowellness.checkout.kiwilaunch.com/date-and-time?serviceId=8abe4ba5-8c9a-4331-a8d6-9a1b26632173]], or reach out about having me speak on this at your next event. Lots of love, Tia Email me at: wellness@tiadevincenzo.com FAQ What is neurological hijacking? It’s when the amygdala, your brain’s threat detector, overrides the prefrontal cortex, your logic and judgment center, causing emotional reactions instead of rational ones. How do I stay regulated when someone else is dysregulated? Listen without judgment, notice your own physical reactions, ask clarifying questions, and detach from controlling the outcome. Your regulation helps co-regulate them. Why do I shut down or get angry during arguments? Your nervous system perceives a threat, even an emotional one, and triggers fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. It’s not a character flaw. It’s biology, and it’s workable. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit tiadevincenzo.substack.com [https://tiadevincenzo.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1]

Does it feel like your body is betraying you?

This article could have gone one of two ways. I could have written about how chronic stress leads to injury. How the more you listen to your body and respond appropriately, the less potential there is for you to end up hurt. And honestly, that would have been a great article. I probably will do that one day. But a recent conversation I had lead me to this path instead. The despair you feel when you’re injured and can’t function in your normal range of life. The mental battle of being knocked sideways by your own body and feeling betrayed by your physical capabilities. Because that shit is hard to get through. The whole reason I started learning about the body, which turned into the nervous system, which turned into everything I do now, is because I was a high-level dancer who was constantly injured. Not your typical banged up once in a while and exhausted from hours of movement injured. I mean I got cortisone-shots-in-both-hips-at-17 injured. I tore a disc in my spine at 20 that haunted me for years because they kept misdiagnosing me. A fractured foot I danced on for seven months before I let it rest. And to round it out, a dislocated knee - twice - in the span of a year. Some of those injuries left me in bed for days and out of my routine for weeks, even months, or for my back - a few years of not knowing the real problem. The mental battles that came with them were heavy and nobody could help me through that, except myself. So here’s what I actually did to regulate my nervous system while I was dealing with injuries that left me feeling debilitated. What Is Nervous System Regulation During Injury? Nervous system regulation is your body’s ability to move between activation (fight-or-flight) and recovery (rest-and-digest). When you’re injured, your nervous system can get stuck on high alert (in the sympathetic nervous system). It reads the pain as a threat signal and keeps your body flooded with stress hormones. That’s why you can’t sleep. Why you’re irritable. Why everything feels more hopeless than it probably is. I mean when I messed up my back, I was truly laying in bed wondering “is this it?!”. Regulating your nervous system during injury means intentionally creating conditions where your body feels safe enough to stop fighting and start healing. When your nervous system is stuck in sympathetic overdrive (fight or flight), your body is prioritizing perceived danger over repair. I know when you’re in pain, your first thought is to be out of it. But this isn’t about rushing the process of healing. It’s about finding patience within it. Slowing down enough to let your body do what it already knows how to do - heal. Your body is a science experiment and it WANTS to fix you. But if you are constantly in an activated state, it will start fighting you to keep you alive. How to Regulate Your Nervous System While Injured 1. Remind yourself that nothing lasts forever. Get it tattooed if you have to. There is always an answer. Sometimes it doesn’t come as fast as you want it to but this injury will not last forever. Anchoring yourself to that truth and actually sitting with it, is one of the most underrated nervous system tools there is. 2. Get outside. Even for five minutes. One of the first things I encourage clients to do after an injury to add into their routine is to step outside. Fresh air, natural light, a few quiet minutes where you’re not staring at your ceiling or your phone are crucial. Research shows [https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/33066853/] that natural environments lower sympathetic nervous system activation and support the shift toward rest-and-recover mode, which will ultimately allow you body to speed up the healing process. Five minutes outside can start that shift. An amazing documentary that you can watch for free!! Is The Earthing Movie [https://www.ultimatelongevity.com/earthing-grounding/videos/the-earthing-movie-2.shtml?gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=22981303679&gbraid=0AAAAADsUfCwLuxdElXnmKvIuNPl7PjJZv&gclid=CjwKCAjwgO7RBhBKEiwAZNP85tV2G-eI5eiahICmRgxZk1gHTS_hQS74_IfwXxPFyQSeNPcN3nORtRoCUzAQAvD_BwE]. If you are not familiar with grounding techniques, this is something I have incorporated into my practice. 10 out of 10. 3. Move your body in SOME capacity. When I dislocated my knee, I did upper body work. When I hurt my back, yin yoga was my best friend. It doesn’t have to look like your “normal routine” - it’s not one size fits all. But if you don’t use it, you lose it. And by “it,” I mean your mental sanity. Movement, even modified movement, sends a signal to your nervous system that you’re still here, still capable, still okay. If you’ve ever been injured, you know that particular feeling of your body betraying you. And it SUCKS. But I promise, it’s not betrayal. It’s just a different way of speaking to you and gives you a lot of insight into how you are living your life. Where there may be pieces anatomically you need to improve, where you could dial it back. As I said, your body is a science experiment and sometimes an injury gives you parameters. If this landed and you’re realizing your body has been trying to tell you something for a while, that’s worth paying attention to. I mean we only have one of them anyways. I work with clients 1:1 to understand what their nervous system is communicating and build practical tools for regulation, recovery, and actually feeling even better than you could of possibly imagined. [Book a 1:1 connection here. [https://tiadevincenzowellness.checkout.kiwilaunch.com/date-and-time?serviceId=8abe4ba5-8c9a-4331-a8d6-9a1b26632173]] Lots of love, Tia Why does injury feel so mentally devastating, even when the pain is manageable? Because your nervous system doesn’t separate physical threat from emotional threat. An injury activates the same stress-response pathways as any perceived danger — keeping you in fight-or-flight even when you’re physically safe on your couch. The mental weight is real, and it’s neurological. Can regulating my nervous system actually support physical healing? Yes. Chronic stress and sympathetic nervous system activation direct your body’s resources toward survival rather than repair. Shifting into a parasympathetic state through nature exposure, gentle movement, and mindset anchors creates the internal conditions where healing becomes possible. It’s not about speeding up the process - it’s about not getting in the way of it. What’s the first thing to do when an injury derails your routine? Get outside. Before you modify your workout plan, before you spiral about your timeline - five minutes of fresh air and natural light is one of the most accessible tools for shifting your nervous system toward safety. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit tiadevincenzo.substack.com [https://tiadevincenzo.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1]

Afraid of Dying? Let's talk about it.

“Death is without a doubt, my biggest fear.” She said through a choked-up throat and blurry eyes. This was in a conversation with a co-worker. And unsurprisingly, I doubt she’s the only one who has this fear at the forefront of her mind. I mean, your brain’s entire job is to keep you alive to avoid the one thing that’s absolutely inevitable for all of us - dying - so it makes sense that you’d inherently be afraid of it. Her reasoning was she’s afraid of her kids having to live a life without her. Fucking valid. That would suck. But I think it goes deeper for many people. They’re afraid to live unapologetically while they’re here, and that’s what they’re really afraid of isn’t death itself, but dying unfulfilled. “Not enough time. Not enough money.” The most common excuse as to why something can’t be done. There is never enough time. We need to learn to get over that and find a way to enjoy the time we have here. But how do we do that when there’s this impending doom over a majority of the world thinking we’re doing it “wrong”? IT as in life. And WRONG as in we’ve missed our chance to live a life fulfilled. Now, I am not sitting here saying “I’d love to die.” But I know if I passed tomorrow, I would be very proud of the life I’ve lived. So how do we get over the fear of death and focus on the joy of life instead? The age-old question that will truly help you make the most of your time here. Ram Dass put it best: What else can better prepare you to die than the way you live? The game is to be where you are – honestly, consciously, and as fully as you know how. What Is Fear of Living? Fear of living is when the fear of dying unfulfilled becomes so loud that it stops you from actually doing the things that would make your life feel full. It shows up as overthinking, avoidance, and a constant loop of “what if” that keeps you stuck in wanting instead of doing. The ultimate goal here is to be present in your life, so you can make decisions from a space of safety and confidence - rather than moving from a state of fear. I run retreats for part of my living, and holy shit, it’s so fun to show people that their fear of an event is usually WAY scarier than the actual doing of the event. The Science of the Brain Behind Fear Before we get into the emotional side of fear and what’s holding us back, let’s look at the brain structure behind it. What’s actually happening when you process fear?? The amygdala (commonly nicknamed the lizard brain, though that’s a simplification more than a precise model) scans for threats and triggers panic when it’s trying to keep you safe. This is the part that says “buckle up we are heading into fight or flight".” Your hippocampus (sounds like a really cool band name) encodes memories from past experiences so your brain can recognize threats going forward. Your prefrontal cortex is the decision-maker. It’s also the logical part of your brain that weighs risk, anticipates future events, and creates conscious which sometimes leads to existential dread. Here’s the catch: the prefrontal cortex gets really fuzzy and essentially goes on vacation when you’re in fight-or-flight, triggered by the amygdala. The goal is to create a space, and different neural plasticity, where the fight or flight is not as easily accessible in your body. When your brain feels safe, your prefrontal cortex can do it’s job and bring rationality into the mix to help anxiety fall behind. Why It Matters If your prefrontal cortex shuts off every time fear shows up, you never get to the part of your brain that can actually evaluate whether the fear is rational. You stay stuck reacting instead of deciding. That’s how “I want to” turns into “I never did,” year after year, until the fear of an unlived life actually becomes an unlived life. So, how do we get over the fear of living so we’re no longer afraid of dying unfulfilled? I’m going to approach this like I have tattoos in my life recently, so bear with me. I have 6 tattoos, technically 7, because one of them is a cover-up. 3 were very thoughtfully planned out. The others... well, I just said one was a cover-up, so I think you get where I’m going with this. In my late teens and early twenties, I’d get them done on a whim. None of them are truly outrageous, but it was a fun little thing I did because you know… I wantd to be ~different~. When you’re that age, to bring the brain back in, your prefrontal cortex isn’t fully developed yet. You struggle with this thing called compounding time and don’t truly understand the longevity factor. Anyways, I got a lot of tattoos I probably shouldn’t have, but it’s okay, I’ve made peace with that. NOW when it comes to tattoos, I won’t get one until I’ve sat on the thought for at least a year. There’s one I’m sitting on for 5 years. This is to make sure future me won’t need to spend more money on the cover up because my prefrontal cortex went out to lunch and I needed to feel alive by putting a little permanent marking on my body. Now when I get a tattoo, I am confident it is something I truly want. So how does this tie into our fear of living??? When we’re making decisions about how to live without fear, it’s just not possible. Fear is there to keep us ALIVE, remember?! But we can learn how to mitigate the fear of living through analysis and finding confidence in our decision making abilities. How to Apply This: A Step-by-Step Exercise This is for the WANTERs looking to become a DOER. I recently almost caught myself in the wanting trap and stopped myself from living because of the fear of an outcome that COULD happen, but was in no way guaranteed TO happen. So, a little exercise, if you will. Think about something you’ve wanted to do for a long time but have always somehow talked yourself out of. This could be as big as “I want to go on a month-long trip” or as small as “I want to apply for a new job, but I’m afraid of rejection” or “I want to say hi to that person I think is really cute.” Once you’ve got it, let’s go on a little journey together. * Think of the worst possible scenario that could happen. My husband hates this about me, because when we go on a “risky” adventure, I look up how many people have died doing it. I call it being prepared. He calls me crazy. I just like to know ALL the outcomes. There is only one absolute worse case scenario, and we’ve already kind of uncovered why we are afraid of it (death) so give me another one. * Back that up with evidence as to why it will happen to you. I bet you can’t say with certainty that it will. There is nothing 100% certain in this life. (Except you uplevel­ing your life by reading this.) But give yourself the evidence that it will absolutely happen to you. I’ll wait. * Write down all the amazing things that COULD happen if you tried this. I call this delusional dreaming, best case scenario, and then some. There will be MANY so keep writing, or listing them in your head. * Write down all the evidence of why best-case scenarios have happened in your life before. One time my mom took me to NYC and said, “Tia, you get nothing in life for free, especially in New York City.” That night, a guy gave me a slice of pizza for free. Take that, Mom. I didn’t believe her. I believed there are good people out there, and if you treat people kindly, I promise 90% of people will treat you kindly back. * Then, just go do the damn thing. We need repetition to get over fear. I don’t care if that looks like bringing your bestie to hold your hand or workshopping something before you send it. Just do it and you will quickly realize that the fear of DOING the thing was actually harder than the action. This is how we retrain our subconscious to believe possibility is out there for us, and that life is meant to be lived, not spent worrying about what happens when we’re in the ground. We can retrain our brain, but sometimes we need to train it to see the good by catastrophizing the bad first. Then showing ourselves that the good is actually more present in the day-to-day than we think. Our brains absolutely need evidence to back things up. I will not just sit here and tell you to “think positively.” It’s REALLY easy to focus on the negative. But we can retrain our brain through neural plasticity to see the positive instead. This is how we override the fear of living, and therefore no longer fear death. You will become so freaking focused on the beautiful life you are creating, that you won’t even entertain the thought of the opposite. Through self-belief and the ability to notice the realm of possibility around us. Lots of love (and life!) Tia P.S. If you are sick of being a wanter and are ready to become a doer, let’s have a conversation! Let me hear your story, I’m sure it’s phenomenal. Do it. I dare you. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit tiadevincenzo.substack.com [https://tiadevincenzo.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1]

Stop Spiraling When Your Schedule is FULL

Last week I spent a good chunk of my time staring at my screen saying “what the f** am I supposed to do next??” My schedule was beyond packed. I work full time. I take on 1:1 clients (come work with me! Your life will transform.) I plan epic retreats. I teach classes outside of my full-time job in the mornings and evenings. I speak in other people’s co-horts and on stages. I’m building a women’s collaborative network in Boston. And, I think the most important component, I really want to be an attentive wife. After I taught a yoga class on Wednesday night I was WIRED laying in bed. Luckily my husband let me brain dump and just speak my truth. By Thursday morning, I had a plan of action. I moved some meetings around. I cancelled some things on myself, one of which was filming this podcast twice a week and making it weekly instead. I gave myself grace and didn’t let myself fall into the pit of despair and paralysis that it will never grow because I am not grinding into the ground. When I started The Regulation Revolution [https://substack.com/@tiadevincenzo/p-191173994], I did it because I realized I wasn’t the only one who has a full life that sometimes can get ahead of themselves. It is hard to not spiral into your own mind. And your body will respond in ways that drag you down if you don’t intervene. I know in my heart of hearts that it is hard out there, but with the right tips and tricks - life can be pretty fucking epic. What REALLY Is Overwhelm?? Overwhelm isn’t just having too much to do. It’s what happens when your nervous system hits capacity and your brain can no longer triage effectively. The result is that frozen, screen-staring, what the f** am I supposed to do next feeling. This is a physiological state, not a personal failure. So shut up and compliment yourself right now. When your system is overloaded, your prefrontal cortex - the part responsible for planning and decision-making - goes offline. You’re not being weak or disorganized. You’re dysregulated and good news is, we can fix that. The Overwhelm Reality Check Your Nervous System Cannot Plan From Threat Mode Research in cognitive neuroscience consistently shows that chronic stress impairs executive function - the brain’s ability to prioritize, sequence, and make decisions. When your cortisol is elevated and your system is in a threat response, you are biologically less capable of organizing your workload. What does that mean??? You are not failing at time management, your brain is essentially short circuiting. That distinction matters, because the solution isn’t to push harder. It’s to bring yourself down to baseline regulation first, then plan. And when you understand the pattern of this coming up, you will be able to catch yourself from the spiral and recalculate. So here is exactly what I did to stop myself from the spiral of ~despair~. Step 1: Reframe to the Big Picture I stopped looking at the week as a massive pile of tasks and asked myself one question: what is my actual goal by the end of this week? Not everything on the list NEEDED to be completed. I just needed one north star. Step 2: Move the Things That Don’t Serve the Goal I looked at what was on my calendar that week and asked whether it was moving me toward that goal or further away from it. A few things were not. I didn’t delete them and moved them to the following week. Out of the week, not out of my life. That difference matters for your nervous system because it likes structure and plans. This can be confused with procrastination, but it is not. It is delegating time for a project where you can focus on it Step 3: Ask Yourself What You’re Making Harder I kept asking myself: I can do hard things but what am I making harder for myself? This is recognizing your ego. Was I really going to let a podcast about nervous system regulation wreck me?! No. Not around here partner. We practice what we preach. This will bring your prefrontal cortex back online and interrupt the threat loop. Step 4: Move Your Body for 20 Minutes Not a full workout. Twenty minutes. Some days it looks like 10 Min. That’s it!!! Research from Princeton University found that exercise actually reorganizes the brain to reduce stress reactivity, meaning movement doesn’t just feel good in the moment, it trains your nervous system to respond to threat differently over time. Twenty minutes or ten minutes isn’t nothing. Sometimes regulation looks like slowing down and breathing. But sometimes, especially when you’re anxious and activated, you need to [https://substack.com/@tiadevincenzo/p-193817514]shake it out [https://substack.com/@tiadevincenzo/p-193817514]. Movement metabolizes the stress hormones your body has been producing. It is not optional when you’re this activated. It is the medicine. Step 5: Give Yourself Grace OUT LOUD I forced myself to say one thing I was proud of accomplishing that day. I said one thing I was grateful for. And then I let the rest go. Not forever. Just for that day. This is not toxic positivity. This is a deliberate pattern interrupt that signals to your nervous system that you are safe, that something went right today, and that you do not need to stay in alert mode tonight. The Permission Slip Nobody Gives You Delegation isn’t failure. Cancelling something isn’t giving up. Moving a task to next week isn’t falling behind. It is how you protect your capacity so you can show up for the things that actually matter. Like your friends, the work your love, your kids, your family. Overwhelm lives in the gap between what your schedule demands and what your nervous system can hold. The goal isn’t to do everything. The goal is to stay regulated while doing the important things well. That’s it. That’s the whole point. Lots of love, Tia I LOVE doing one to one work and if this interests you, shoot me a message! Let’s have a genuine conversation about things you may be struggling with and the life you want to live. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit tiadevincenzo.substack.com [https://tiadevincenzo.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1]

Someone Else's Wins Triggered Me.

I’m going to be very real here. I recently caught myself judging someone for talking about their accomplishments. I was sitting at lunch and the person I was with was going on and on about all these amazing things, and I was getting more and more agitated with what she was saying. At one point I looked over to my husband and with the, “alright, I get it” look. And his response checked me back into reality. I was being unkind. I took a step back and asked myself: was I actually annoyed with her? Was I jealous? Or was I overstimulated and just not in a very open state? It was the latter. I am not here to tell you to never be annoyed with someone if they are genuinely being overbearing, but I wasn’t being kind, and I had to ask myself: is this a me problem? Truthfully, it was. It was totally a me problem. Because this person was simply talking about something she was proud of. And I wasn’t doing the same. I was having a low day because my tasks felt unfinished, I had no new news to share, I didn’t get much sleep and so I didn’t want to celebrate anyone because I couldn’t celebrate myself. But here’s the thing: I can still be proud of myself even when nothing monumental happened that week. I was being triggered socially and that shit is not cool. What Is Social Triggering? Social triggering is when another person’s words, energy, or behavior activate your nervous system’s threat response, even when there’s NO actual threat. It doesn’t always look like a blowup. Sometimes it looks like quiet irritation, a tight jaw, or a voice in your head saying I get it already. This type of dysregulation is common and not often acknowledged as a nervous system problem. It’s usually a “YOU” problem instead of a “ME” problems. Why It Matters Research in interpersonal neurobiology shows that our nervous systems are constantly co-regulating. This means it is picking up on the emotional states of the people around us. Think about how you meet an anxious human and then their dog is also always somehow anxious. We pick up on the energy around us. But when someone is in a high-energy, expansive state and we’re depleted, that gap can register as a threat. Not because they’re doing anything wrong, but because our system may already be running on low and not have the capacity to work with theirs. This isn’t a character flaw in us on how we exist, it’s just information we can use to understand ourselves and how we exist in society. While a large part of nervous system regulation is getting yourself out of fight or flight, another huge part is learning to exist with other people, even when they aren’t your people, even when they’re having a bigger day than you. This is how we stop the breakdown of relationships, networking opportunities, and simply existing with others. Now when you check yourself in this judgmental state, this is how we shift back into regulation. Step 1: Remove Yourself - Even for 60 Seconds I politely excused myself, said I needed the bathroom, stepped away, and took a couple of deep breaths. That’s it. You don’t need a 20-minute reset. You need a pause to recalibrate and ask yourself a few questions. Step 2: Run the Reality Check I came back to these four questions: * Is she insulting me? No. * Am I being reactive right now? Yes. * Do I need to contribute, or can I allow her to just speak? I can allow. * Do I have enough energy for that? Yes. Step 3: Release the Expectation That You Need to Perform Sometimes when we’re in conversations, we think we need to match someone’s energy, answer every question, contribute something meaningful. You don’t. Most of the time, people just want to be heard. Letting someone else take up space is not a loss for you, we just need to differentiate between “am I needed as a contributor?” or “can I just be their cheerleader?” Step 4: Come Back With Curiosity Instead of Judgment When I returned to the table, I shifted from why is she like this to she’s really excited about her life right now. This reframe changed how the rest of the lunch felt for me, and I am sure for her. Remember - co-regulating. The Regulation Moments Nobody Talks About This is what gets swept under the rug in conversations about regulation: it doesn’t always look like screaming or a full body breakdown. Sometimes it looks like quiet resentment over lunch. A forced smile. An internal eye roll and then self judgment. These small moments are where regulation actually lives, and where it actually matters. When you take the reaction out of it, you allow yourself to experience. The conversation and the person fully. And yourself, more honestly. That’s the work. Lots of love, Tia PS. If this feels like a pattern in your life, this is the work I do with people and organizations to re-establish stability and growth in your life. Please reach out and let’s talk! Email: wellness@tiadevincenzo.com Website: intuitivelytia.com Frequently Asked Questions Why do I get irritated when people talk about their accomplishments? Irritation around others' success is often a nervous system response, not a character flaw. When your system is depleted, someone else's high energy can register as an unconscious threat — especially if it contrasts with how you're feeling about your own life in that moment. What does nervous system dysregulation look like in social situations? It doesn't always look dramatic. Social dysregulation can show up as quiet irritation, impatience, wanting to leave, or an inability to be genuinely happy for someone else. These are all signals worth paying attention to. How do I regulate my nervous system around difficult people? Start with a physical pause — even 60 seconds alone to breathe. Then run a reality check: is this person actually a threat, or is my system just overwhelmed? From there, release the pressure to perform or match their energy. Presence, not contribution, is often all that's needed. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit tiadevincenzo.substack.com [https://tiadevincenzo.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1]