When Your ADHD Never Gets a Break

When Your ADHD Never Gets a Break

This past weekend was hard. And I wish I could say it was an anomaly, but unfortunately, hard weekends have become my norm. My wife works as a nurse. Thank goodness for that. If it weren’t for her steady, dependable career, our family would be in a very different situation. But one of the realities of her job is that every other weekend, I’m solo parenting our two kids. Those weekends don’t usually feel like anyone is thriving. More often, we’re just surviving. The Breaks I Didn’t Know I Had Before kids, I got breaks without even realizing they were breaks. A thirty-minute commute. A walk across campus at work. Sitting in my office for a few quiet minutes before the next meeting. None of those moments were remarkable, but they gave my brain permission to disengage. That’s the part I miss. It wasn’t simply being alone. It was knowing I wouldn’t be interrupted. For a few minutes, I could exhale. That’s one of the biggest challenges I’ve faced as a parent with ADHD: finding genuine downtime. And, when you’re the only parent home, it’s almost impossible to find those moments. Even if the kids are happily playing in another room, part of my brain never leaves them. My ears are always listening. My attention is always divided. I’m waiting for the next argument to referee, the next snack to prepare, the next “Dad!” shouted from somewhere in the house. It’s difficult to explain to someone who doesn’t have ADHD, but my brain rarely gets the chance to fully disengage, even under normal circumstances. When I’m solo parenting, it never pauses. Over several hours—or several days—that adds up. It’s like a kettle that slowly begins to boil until it finally boils over. I can never take it off the heat. “Just Step Away” I’ve heard all the advice for those moments: ”When you feel yourself getting overwhelmed, just step away.” That’s great, but what if the thing overwhelming you is on the other side of the door, knocking? What if there isn’t another adult to tag in? What if stepping away simply isn’t an option? The kind of rest my brain needs isn’t five interrupted minutes scrolling my phone. It’s uninterrupted time where my nervous system can let its guard down—when it doesn’t have to stay on alert. For a solo parent, that’s hard to come by. When Everything Feels Like a Decision Ironically, those weekends are usually the ones where I most want to get everyone out of the house. Staying home can start to feel like being trapped. But then my ADHD brain starts running through every possible scenario. Has everyone eaten recently? Do we need snacks? Water bottles? How much is this going to cost? Will we end up buying lunch? Does everyone have the right clothes? Should I clean the house before we leave so I don’t come home to an even bigger mess? None of those questions is unreasonable. It’s the fact that they all arrive at once when my executive function is already at it’s limit. Instead of helping me make a decision, they create gridlock. I overthink everything, second-guess every plan, and somehow end up just staying home in the chaos getting more mentally exhausted. And that usually leads to me making the same mistake over and over: I stay up too late trying to steal back a little time for myself. A couple of hours in front of the TV. A little doomscrolling. Anything that feels like it belongs only to me. Except it isn’t restorative. It just pushes my bedtime later, shortens my sleep, and leaves me waking up already depleted for the day ahead. Then I’m more impatient, more reactive, and far less equipped to be a good parent. It’s a cycle I’ve repeated more times than I’d like to admit. Sometimes There Isn’t a Hack I’m slowly learning one of the hardest lessons about living with ADHD. Not every problem has a clever strategy or productivity hack waiting to solve it. Sometimes you’re simply overwhelmed. Sometimes parenting is just really hard. Sometimes your ADHD brain has reached its limit. Recognizing that isn’t giving up. It’s being honest. Because once I can admit, “I’m overwhelmed,” I stop wasting energy pretending I should be handling it better, that I’m somehow failing at parenting and life. Then I can focus on the next small thing. Drink some water. Admit I need help and ask for it when it’s available. Go to bed earlier tonight instead of trying to reclaim the day. Cut myself some slack and start again tomorrow. I know I don’t always get it right. In fact, some weekends I get almost none of it right. But I’m learning that merely surviving those weekends doesn’t make me a bad parent. It makes me a parent with ADHD. And some weekends, doing my best is enough. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit carignanevonpohle.substack.com [https://carignanevonpohle.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1]

Your ADHD Brain Was Made to Move

If you’ve been reading my series Managing ADHD in Real Life [https://carignanevonpohle.substack.com/p/managing-adhd-in-real-life], you’ve probably noticed that I’ve mentioned exercise several times. That’s no mistake. In my experience, there are few things that help manage ADHD like moving my body. There’s plenty of good science to back up why exercise is so effective for managing ADHD [https://www.adhdevidence.org/blog/seven-new-meta-analyses-suggest-wide-range-of-benefits-from-exercise-for-persons-with-adhd]. It’s worth checking out. I want to focus on the anecdotal evidence, share what’s worked for me, and show why every ADHDer should incorporate exercise into managing their symptoms. A Reminder of Why It Matters Last week, I was really struggling. I wasn’t sleeping well and woke up several mornings in a row with a tired feeling behind my eyes. That’s usually a good sign that the sleep I’m getting isn’t restorative. I can’t undersell the importance of sleep for an ADHD brain. I couldn’t figure out why I was having such a hard time, but then I realized I hadn’t been exercising with my usual consistency. Since my kids have been on summer break, I’ve been unable to swim with the same regularity. And let me tell you, I was feeling it. The lesson was clear: getting exercise ensures that by bedtime, my body and brain are ready to rest. Find Your Thing Staying consistent is all about finding something you’re willing to return to. It’s about finding something that you enjoy—finding something that’s not a burden. Because that’s one of the biggest challenges to overcome: how do I keep doing this? If you have to work to convince yourself to do it, maybe it’s not for you. There are already enough demands on your executive function on a daily basis. Don’t make overcoming your resistance to workout one of them. The first thing to recognize is there’s no “right way” to move your body. You don’t have to follow someone else’s plan that requires you to stand in front of a gym mirror for several hours at a time lifting weights. I can’t stand working out in a gym. It took me too long to realize that suffering through a gym workout was not the only way to do it. Maybe your thing isn’t gyms or sports at all. Maybe you’re into dancing. Maybe moving your body is just that—moving your body to music. ADHD brains don’t need the “perfect” workout. They need one they’ll actually do. The less friction between you and movement, the more likely it becomes part of your life. Rethinking Exercise As I’ve gotten older, I’ve also realized that my past motivation for exercising was all wrong. A lot of it was for vanity. I wanted to look good, and if the results weren’t coming fast enough, then I’d usually give it up. Now I realize the physical transformation that comes from exercise is icing on the cake. What I’m really getting is the benefits to my brain, my sleep, my stamina, my mobility. I overlooked so many of the benefits because I was solely focused on aesthetic results. It also just feels good to move your body regularly. I like feeling strong. I like feeling that my muscles are doing something. I like the feeling of sore muscles instead of stiff joints. And that’s a difference you get through exercise. That shift in perspective also changed the question I was asking. I stopped wondering what the “best” workout was and started asking what kind of movement I’d actually keep coming back to. For me, the answer was swimming. Why Swimming Works for Me I’ve mentioned swimming several times in this series, and I keep coming back to it because it’s the one thing that I’ve stuck with the longest. At the heart of it is my love of the water. But there are other reasons why it’s become my thing. I struggle when I have to do things alone. It’s hard for me to find motivation to go somewhere, by myself, and spend an hour suffering alone. If I can do it with other people, it’s going to be more successful. I’m also really good at talking myself out of things. I can come up with all kinds of excuses to not push myself or even show up. When I’m surrounded by other people—or I think about the people in my Masters group who would question why I didn’t show up—it’s a kind of peer pressure. Or maybe it’s called accountability. Either way, it works. There’s also not guesswork when it comes to swimming with a Masters group. You show up, the coach gives you the workout, and you do it. I don’t have to expend finite executive function on deciding what I’m going to do or for how long. I just follow along. A bonus is, as I get older, having an exercise that’s low impact and doesn’t hurt my aging body is a tremendous benefit. We Were Made to Move Exercise is crucial when it comes to regulating our nervous systems. I watch my kids and marvel at their boundless energy. I also marvel at the way they instinctively choose to move their bodies to help regulate themselves when they feel restless. My daughter climbs her indoor swing, hangs upside down, and runs laps around the house. She’s at her best when she’s free to move. It’s when she’s required to stay still for long periods that the challenges arise. I can relate. Somewhere along the way, we decide that adulthood means sitting still. We spend our days in cars, behind desks, and on couches, then wonder why our bodies and brains feel restless. The Real Lesson At the end of the day, moving your body is about far more than looking good in the mirror. It’s about sleeping better. Quieting your mind. Regulating your nervous system. Feeling strong. Remembering that your body was made to move. The question isn’t, “How do I motivate myself to exercise?” It’s, “What kind of movement makes me want to come back tomorrow?” Find that thing. Then protect it. Because if you have ADHD, exercise isn’t just another healthy habit. It’s one of the best tools you have. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit carignanevonpohle.substack.com [https://carignanevonpohle.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1]

Not Everything Needs a Finish Line

For most of my life, I believed that if something couldn’t be measured, completed, or achieved, it probably wasn’t worth doing. Then I learned about the philosophical distinction between telic and atelic pursuits. A telic pursuit has an endpoint. It’s done to achieve something—graduate, lose weight, finish the project, check the box. You complete something, and it’s done. It’s satisfying, and easy for an ADHD brain like mine to grasp. An atelic pursuit is different. It’s done for its own sake. Walking. Playing. Swimming. Having a conversation with a friend. The value isn’t found at the finish line—it’s found in the doing. It’s abstract, and hard for me to wrap my ADHD brain around. We Love Finish Lines For much of my life I’ve believed that in order for something to be worthwhile—in order for something to be deserving of my time and energy—it needs to be something that I can complete. Value is derived from a tangible result that you—and especially other people—can point to and say, “You did a thing, and here’s evidence to prove it.” Like a lot of people with ADHD, I crave the dopamine hit that comes from completion. Sometimes it’s not so much a feeling of accomplishment as it is relief, but crossing something off a list provides a defined endpoint, a predictable “high”, and that’s simple to grasp. But, understanding that not everything needs a defined goal is harder to accept. And that distinction has fundamentally changed the way I think about ADHD. When Structure Becomes a Trap When you read about strategies to manage ADHD or find “ADHD hacks” online they often suggest making lists, creating defined timeframes, or checking a box—essentially turning things into telic pursuits. Those strategies have a time and place. The goal-oriented approach can provide satisfaction, and in the right circumstances, help you get things done when you’re struggling with executive function. But you can’t apply that same strategy to everything. Clearly defined objectives in the wrong circumstances can create stress and achievement traps. Worst of all, they can restrict the ADHD brain’s natural strengths. They prevent daydreaming, they keep your mind from wandering, they don’t provide the space for discovery. And that’s a problem, too. It’s a balancing act. It’s important to understand and recognize that there are times when you need to get things done and be productive. But not everything should adhere to the same rigid framework and be solely focused on results. There are times when you need to provide space for your ADHD brain to wander and recharge. And more often than not, the opportunity to recharge is found in atelic pursuits. Sometimes the Point Is the Doing The more I’ve thought about it, the more I’ve realized that I avoided doing things simply for the sake of doing them. Pursuing passions became a value proposition, focused on the tangible things I got out of it. If it couldn’t be measured, it wasn’t worthwhile. Understanding the difference between telic and atelic pursuits helped me realize that life isn’t just about hustle and achievement. My value isn’t defined by how much I can accomplish, and there’s not always a finish line. Sometimes the point of swimming is swimming. Sometimes the point of reading is reading. Sometimes the point of spending time with your kids is simply being present—it’s not a constant attempt to make “core memories” by providing structured enrichment that’s over-planned and micro-managed. It’s about play, creativity, imagination, and just existing together. In our current culture, it’s hard to admit that not every moment needs to be optimized. Coming to that realization is liberating. It’s a relief to accept that I don’t have to constantly be moving towards goalposts. I can give myself permission to do things for their own sake and let my brain lead. It can be hard for an ADHD brain to accept that simply doing is enough, but often, that’s exactly what we need. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit carignanevonpohle.substack.com [https://carignanevonpohle.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1]

The Dominoes Are Already Falling

*This is my third post in a series called Managing ADHD in Real Life. Subscribe so you don’t miss upcoming posts! If you read my last post in this series, I wrote about momentum [https://substack.com/@carignanevonpohle/p-199415854]. Momentum can be an essential part of managing your ADHD. Momentum creates a sense of progress and allows your brain to use today’s wins to encourage future wins. This week I want to talk about the improvements you can experience in your life if you recognize that good lifestyle decisions beget other good lifestyle decisions. The Domino Effect Often when you hear “domino effect,” it might conjure images of your life falling apart, piece by piece, with one negative thing triggering a chain reaction. Chain reactions are real, but I would argue that a chain reaction can work in your favor with a few key decisions. Before I was diagnosed with ADHD, I was very aware that I had a tendency to be impulsive. I would go all in on things, and not always in a way that improved my life. I can think of many instances when life wasn’t going my way, and I’d lean into it. It would usually start with several late nights in front of the TV. Lounging on the couch, watching shows that didn’t really entertain me as much as occupy my mind. Those late nights would lead to inadequate sleep and rough mornings. I was easily agitated. My kids would wake up before me and I would start each day on their terms instead of my own. Those days always made me feel like I was playing from behind. I’d also spend many of those late nights on the couch eating—snacking for no other reason than searching for the dopamine my brain so desperately craved. It was an unfortunate cycle that perpetuated itself. Each additional late night would lead to additional hours of snacking and binging, which would lead to a fitful night of sleep, which would lead to a rough morning, which would lead to an unproductive day, which would lead to another night of revenge sleep procrastination [https://newsroom.clevelandclinic.org/2023/12/18/what-is-revenge-bedtime-procrastination]. I didn’t feel good, and before I was even diagnosed with ADHD, I could understand that I wasn’t doing my brain any favors. It was a domino effect in its worst form. Tipping Things in the Other Direction Things can go the other way, and the domino effect can create positives in your life too. At the end of last summer—just after my kids returned to school—I recognized that something needed to change. I’d been in the midst of a bad cycle of dominoes falling in the wrong direction. And one day I just decided I needed something different in my life, and impulsively, I went for it. For me, one of the first dominoes was getting back in the water. I started swimming with a local masters group a few mornings each week. At first, it was simply about moving my body and doing something that made me feel good. But I quickly realized it was influencing much more than just my fitness. To get up before sunrise and swim, I had to go to bed earlier. Going to bed earlier meant I wasn’t spending hours mindlessly snacking in front of the TV. Better sleep gave me more energy and patience during the day. And because I felt better, I was more motivated to make other healthy choices. What started as swimming became a whole series of dominoes falling in the right direction. When I think about my life and consider what’s best for me, I think about all the lifestyle choices I can make that will benefit me the most. This includes: * Good sleep * Fueling my body (which I like to say instead of eating because every body is unique and needs the correct blend of fuel to function at its best. Pop-tarts are not good fuel.) * Moving my body (Swimming!) * Limiting things that don’t serve me (alcohol, and sometimes even coffee) * Mornings on my terms (beating the kids out of bed) All of these things play a crucial role in my physical and mental health and help me better manage my ADHD. I’ve found that when I have several of them going in my favor, it’s easier to do the other things well. That’s what I mean by “good dominoes.” One good choice doesn’t just give you one benefit—it makes the next good choice easier. When I’m sleeping well, I have more energy to exercise. When I’m exercising regularly, I’m less likely to reach for foods that I know don’t make me feel my best. When I’m fueling my body well, I have better focus and emotional regulation. When my brain is functioning better, I’m more productive during the day, which makes it easier to wind down at night and get to bed on time. It’s All Connected None of these things exist in isolation. They’re all connected. The goal isn’t perfection. The goal is to create enough positive momentum that the next healthy decision requires a little less effort than the last one. Sleep is probably the biggest domino for me. When I sleep well, almost everything else gets easier. I have more patience with my kids. I make better decisions about food. I have more motivation to exercise. I focus better. I’m more productive. And because my day goes better, I’m less tempted to stay up late looking for dopamine from a screen. The dominoes start falling in the right direction. And believe me, I understand just how difficult it can be to break a negative cycle. In fact, when you’re in the middle of one, it can feel almost impossible. ADHD brains are particularly vulnerable because we’re often looking for immediate relief from boredom, stress, overwhelm, or exhaustion. That’s why I don’t try to change everything at once. I just look for the next domino. Maybe that’s going to bed 30 minutes earlier. Maybe it’s taking a walk. Maybe it’s getting in the pool. Maybe it’s putting my phone down and reading a book. The important thing is recognizing that one good choice rarely stays isolated. It has a way of creating opportunities for other good choices. Momentum matters. Good dominoes matter. Sometimes the biggest changes in our lives don’t come from one massive decision. They come from a single domino that starts falling in the right direction. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit carignanevonpohle.substack.com [https://carignanevonpohle.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1]

My Eyes Were Working Too Hard

*I’m taking a pause from my series “Managing ADHD in Real Life” so I can get my kids squared away on summer break. Stay tuned for more in the weeks to come and be sure to subscribe so you don’t miss any future posts! I got glasses for the first time about a year ago. I turn 40 this year, and my eyesight seems to be the first thing that’s failing me. Up until the exam, I’d never had any issues with my vision. I’d do the test in the doctor’s office where you look at the progressively smaller letters on the wall, and I’d consistently pass with flying colors. The whole eye-exam experience was completely new, and I have to say, there were parts of it that I DID NOT enjoy. Nobody warned me about the puff of air they shoot into your eyes. That device is sadistic. I scheduled the appointment because I was struggling with eye pain by the end of most days. I would emerge from my office after a long day staring at the computer with eyes that felt like someone was trying to push them out of my head from inside. After the exam, the optometrist indicated that I needed prescription glasses. She explained that my eyes were experiencing strain as a result of having to repeatedly refocus throughout the day. My left eye in particular needed more correction and had to constantly adjust to try and compensate. The need to constantly refocus meant my eyes were doing a lot of extra work. It got me thinking. My eyes were tired because they had to constantly refocus. Reminds me a lot of my ADHD brain. See, the ADHD brain takes in information non-stop. It’s being pulled in countless directions, and when you’re meant to be concentrating on one thing, it can take a tremendous effort to refocus your attention on the task at hand. It’s no wonder that most days I feel wiped out—especially if I’m doing work that’s not particularly interesting or engaging. The demands of the day—a job, a partner, kids, responsibilities, commitments—require a lot of attention and focus. If your brain is wired to follow impulses, instead of staying on task, you end up using a massive amount of energy just doing life. After a full day of constant self-correction, your brain is exhausted. My advice? Cut yourself some slack. Remember that your brain is working so much harder than a lot of the people around you. You may get tired more easily. You may need to take breaks. If you need a moment of rest, don’t feel ashamed. It’s what’s necessary for you and your brain to function at its best. My glasses aren’t about helping me see—they’re about making it so my eyes don’t have to work so hard. I think it’s a lot like ADHD. Sometimes the answer isn’t to push harder, try harder, or focus harder. Sometimes the answer is finding the right support so you don’t have to spend all day refocusing. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit carignanevonpohle.substack.com [https://carignanevonpohle.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1]