WAWSOME: Why we need daily awe and wonder

Listening Deeper: 8 Wellness Experts Share What Every Midlife Woman Needs to Know

Your body has a 28-day cycle. The fitness industry has a 7-day plan. Guess which one wins? That's just one of the questions we explore in this very special episode of The Naked Librarian. And if you're like, "she always says that," listen, Linda, this time it's for real. Here's the deal: I recorded most of these interviews almost two years ago. Then life happened—a full-time job I love, a memoir demanding to be written—and these conversations sat on my hard drive, unheard. When I finally listened back, I discovered something: beneath all the talk about hormones and heart health and movement and stress, every conversation was really about the stories we tell ourselves. About aging. About what our bodies can and can't do. About who gets to be the authority on our own experience. So at the end of 2025, I was like, damnit, I'm bringing their wisdom to the world. And here it is: eight wellness experts reveal what midlife women actually need to know—how to train with your hormones instead of against them, why "caregiver stress syndrome" is real (and you probably have it), what your cholesterol numbers actually mean, and how to grieve the person you used to be while becoming who you're meant to be next. From a mediator who teaches families to fight better, to a cardiologist who explains your lab work in plain English, to an energy healer who says it's okay to mourn your old career—these aren't your typical wellness tips. Consider this your permission slip to stop following advice designed for someone else's body and someone else's life. This is the conversation your body's been waiting for you to have. A few more things: Thank you to my guests—who trusted me with their time and expertise. I am so grateful. Before the transcript, you'll find a list of contributors and ways to follow up with them. Also, big thanks to the musical duo Russo & Weinberg for their tune 'Take Me Out' featured in this episode. Podcast Interviews! *These timestamps are close to the actual time stamps. The podcast went through a second edit after I rerecorded due to some audio wobbles.* Hard Family Conversations with Elizabeth Franz: 6:56 Movement & Moon Cycles with Jana Barrett: 28:27 Movement & Menopause with Dr. Maria Luque: 43:22 Keeping Your Heart Healthy with Dr G the NP: 54:51 Talking Caregiver Stress Syndrome with Dr Soma Mandal: 1:07:29 Emotional Eating Conversation with Jeff Spitzer: 1:24:18 Grieving Yourself with Gina Marie Leingang: 1:37:29 Transcendence & Meaning with Justin McSweeney: 1:51:33. Elizabeth Franz: https://humanzmediate.com/ [https://humanzmediate.com/] Jana Barrett: https://www.instagram.com/jana_movement_coach/ [https://www.instagram.com/jana_movement_coach/] jana-barrett.com [https://www.jana-barrett.com/] Dr. Maria Luque: https://www.instagram.com/drmarialuque/ [https://www.instagram.com/drmarialuque/] https://www.drmarialuque.com/ [https://www.drmarialuque.com/] Dr. Tranise Goodlow: https://drgthenp.com/ [https://drgthenp.com/] https://www.instagram.com/drgthenp/ [https://www.instagram.com/drgthenp/] Dr. Soma Mandal: https://www.somamandalmd.com/ [https://www.somamandalmd.com/] https://www.instagram.com/drsomamandalmd/ [https://www.instagram.com/drsomamandalmd/] Jeff Spitzer: https://www.facebook.com/jeffspitzer1970 [https://www.facebook.com/jeffspitzer1970] https://courses.myh3h.com/ [https://courses.myh3h.com/] Gina Maria Leingang: https://www.magicbydesignhd.com/ [https://www.magicbydesignhd.com/] https://www.instagram.com/magicbydesign_hd/ [https://www.instagram.com/magicbydesign_hd/] Justin McSweeney: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCoobO-TWsWR3YHmj7YgjBIQ [https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCoobO-TWsWR3YHmj7YgjBIQ] Russo & Weinberg: https://artlist.io/royalty-free-music/artist/russo--weinberg/401 [https://artlist.io/royalty-free-music/artist/russo--weinberg/401] Speaker 1 (00:00:07): We are going to start today with some deep thoughts. Ready? What if your need for meaning and transcendence isn't a luxury but as essential to your wellbeing, sleep, food or connection? What if the problem isn't that you're not trying hard enough but you're listening to advice designed for someone else's body, someone else's life? These are just two of the questions we'll explore in this very special episode of The Naked Librarian. And if you're like, she always says that, listen, Linda, this time it's for real, and if you don't believe me, give me two more minutes to explain because I've got a little announcement for you if you're new here. Oh, hi, I'm Victoria Payne, a writer, story coach and guided autobiography instructor and your host of the Naked Librarian. Also, while there's technically no nudity involved in the show, it's just a fun metaphor for honest, nerdy conversation. (00:01:01): I am about to get a little naked or a little naked, as they say in my home state of Georgia. I need to be honest with you. I recorded most of these interviews almost two years ago and then life happened. I took a full-time job that I love, doubled down on writing a memoir, and suddenly this podcast that had been so central to my creative life got pushed to the side and I felt just awful because I had talked to these really cool people who had given me their time and expertise. So at the end of 2025, I was like, damnit, I don't care if I have to work every weekend for the next two months, I will bring their wisdom to the world, and that's what I have done. But also as I've been preparing to relaunch the show, I went back through these conversations with these wellness experts from around the world, doctors, trainers, healers, deep thinkers, and I realized something I had the makings of a healthy feast, like the kind you share with your girlfriends, sampling lots of little salads and nourishing bites, and you leave feeling full, but in a good way, in a way that makes you feel glad you're alive and you think Next time I do this, I'm inviting everyone I know because they have got to try Sarah's homemade hummus and Allison's cheddar, jalapeno sourdough, and Brooks three ingredient peanut butter cookies. (00:02:22): Okay, maybe that's just how us extroverts think, but listen, it doesn't matter, extrovert, introvert, or something in between. You get to have it all because if you're still following my metaphor, we are having our own little dinner party on today's show and you can't beat the conversation. We're going to talk about all the stuff caring for aging parents and ourselves, the roots of emotional eating, grieving our past selves, our need for awe, having hard and productive conversations with our grown kids working out in midlife and more. Now whether these conversations focused on nutrition or stress or something else, as I listened back, I noticed how often the topics were really about the stories we tell ourselves about ourselves, about aging, about what our bodies can and can't do about who gets to be the authority on our own experience about what gives life meaning. So here's the big announcement. (00:03:22): That's where this podcast is headed next. Not today, of course we have a party to get to, but give me a hot second to tell you about next season. We're going all in on stories because after three years of doing this, here's what I realized. Anyone can share health and wellness tips, but if I wanted to really share what I know most about in this world, what I live and breathe and alligator wrestle with, it would be telling stories and what we learned about ourselves when we do. So in the next season of The Naked Librarian, you're going to hear from moth storytellers, memoir, writers, and everyday people who have shared something true, whether that was on a stage in a writing class or across the kitchen table, they'll be sharing a true story that you've never heard, and I'll be asking them what they learned about themselves in the creative process of telling it, because there's something so powerful about sharing your story. (00:04:19): You can write forever in your journal about your life, and I really hope you do that, but the moment you decide to say it out loud to share it with an audience or even a friend, you understand that in order for your story to make sense to others, it must first make sense to you. And that sense making journey can in big and small ways change your life. And because I'm in the midst of writing my own memoir about what we give up in order to be good and why we need it back stat, I'll be sharing some of my own stories and what I'm learning about myself in real time. But first, let's dig into these conversations. The first one is the longest because, well, I went to look for the best part and there were just too many good ones. So it is around 20 minutes after that we get into a groove with conversation highlights between 10 and 15 minutes. (00:05:15): Little truth nuggets, you can heat up whenever you need some nourishment. Check the show notes for the timestamps for each conversation if you'd rather sample the buffet rather than stay for the whole party know judgment. Here's a quick rundown of the menu up first is a mediator who helps families navigate hard conversations. Then a conversation about building a movement practice based on a monthly schedule or a moon cycle instead of a weekly one because surprise women's bodies are in fact different from men. After that, you're going to hear more about movement and midlife from a menopause expert who says It's better to do what you love than follow the latest workout trend. We will hopscotch from there to talk with an internist about caregiver stress syndrome and the importance of taking care of yourself during this exhausting season of life where you might be caring for aging parents and children at the same time. (00:06:09): Then we'll talk about heart health with a board certified cardiology nurse practitioner who breaks down what those cholesterol numbers really mean, using my own cholesterol numbers, a little case study I created for you, but also for me. Then it's time to talk to a health coach about emotional eating and willpower and why you're wanting that comfort food anyway. And right at the end, you're going to hear about the importance of grieving your past self as you grow into someone new with an intuitive of energy healer. And our last expert brings it home with a philosophical conversation about the importance of awe and meaning-making in our lives. Are you hungry? Good. Let's go meet our guests. (00:06:56): First up is Elizabeth Franz and she is the founder of Humans Mediate and a professional mediator who studied peace studies at Gouger College. In this segment, Elizabeth tackles one of the most common yet unspoken stressors and midlife navigating conflict with adult children who've moved back home. She explains how American culture teaches us to approach conflict through punishment and power dynamics rather than collaboration. And contrast this to the Dutch practice of asking even babies for consent before changing their diapers through a real world example of a parent struggling with adult daughter's messiness, rent and boundaries. Elizabeth shows how mediation breaks down overwhelming conflict into manageable parts and teaches both generations a new pattern for relationships. This isn't just about solving one problem, it's about learning to face problems side by side instead of head on. I wanted to share this conversation because so many parents are surprised by the challenge of having conflict with their adult children or unused to it because they are adults now and we can't really just tell them what to do anymore, but then they're also sometimes acting like kids. (00:08:09): So what do we do? I also think most families think about therapy when they're stuck, and I wanted to introduce this idea of mediation as another powerful approach. We are just going to jump right into the conversation with Elizabeth and then get to the good stuff. I know in our first conversation, Elizabeth, you were explaining to me something that's really cool about mediation is that it's not counseling, and I think that's how a lot of people are familiar with dealing with problems is, okay, I have this problem relationship. If only we could sit down with a counselor and each tell our stories. Why is mediation maybe an even better fit for something like a conflict? Speaker 2 (00:09:01): Yeah, that's a good question. So I'll answer that and then just go back a little bit and reframe conflict. So what I'll say first is if you want to go to family therapy, that can be an excellent option. What you're going to get is yes, a chance to tell your story, and you have to remember that that practitioner is, they're there to diagnose, they're there to give advice and suggestions. So you might find out there is a mental health issue because you have a professional who's trained to look for mental health issues and they might give you exercises, but they're going to kind of diagnose and assess what's going on, and they meet you for what, two, three hours of your life. Just like mediators, it's the first time we're meeting you, we're only seeing a window of what's going on, and so a practitioner, a therapist, a counselor, they're trained to look for where's the dysfunction, where's the mental health issues they diagnose? (00:09:57): A mediator on the other hand comes at it from a different perspective. So the mediator considers you and whoever you're bringing to mediation, you're the experts in your own life, your relationship better than anyone else can. And so the answers to what needs to happen is in you, not the mediator. Our job is to get you to those answers, is to get you to figure out what are the actions you want to take to meet your needs. So it's need focused, it's action based, and the mediator is not trained to diagnose. We're there to hold the process, guide you through it to get you to diagnose yourself and for you to figure out the action. So I think a really simple way to encapsulate this is a comic I saw where it was a family and they were lost in the jungle and the dad says the most important thing right now is to figure out whose fault it is. (00:10:56): And we do that. I think in therapy we're trying to find someone to blame or mental health or something to blame, but in mediation we're saying who is to blame is less important or not important at all? What is important is what we're going to do. How do we get not lost if we're lost in the woods and all we're doing is fighting about whose fault it is, we're still lost in the woods. We might establish exactly whose fault it is and be like, we are a hundred percent sure it's dad's fault. Great. We're still lost in a mediation or saying, okay, let's just get out of the woods. And then it just circle back to conflict. It is culturally, it's a cultural thing. We are taught that if we feel pain or attention, we got to fix it. We got to run away, that's bad and conflict hurts. (00:11:48): So it's actually the same parts of your brain that light up when there's conflict as when you're physically injured. So to your brain, conflict is the same as getting punched in the face. It's like, ah, I don't like this. I want to get away. Let's not deal with this conflict. However, to reframe it, and what we say at humans mediate is conflict is when your needs are not being met. So conflict is that signal. The same signal when you get that tickle in your throat, think I'm a little sick, or if there's pain in your muscles, I probably need to stretch. I'm sore, I'm dehydrated. If we lean into it and say, I want to listen to this as a signal telling me something needs to happen and then I go take care of my body or I go take care of my relationship or I go get my needs met, then the pain goes away because the need is met. (00:12:38): So we say conflict doesn't end until the needs are met and when there is conflict in a relationship, it means somebody or both people's needs are not being met and mediation is a process to harness that conflict to get your needs met. Just like if you go to the doctor and say, Hey, this thing hurts. They can say, okay, here's the process. These are the exercises you need to do so that you address the tension in your muscles, but if you just don't do anything now, it's going to keep hurting. You're going to keep coming back to it, and if you don't go get help, you're not going to know what to do. Speaker 1 (00:13:15): I feel like so many people are going to stop and jaw drop on your definition of conflict as your needs not being met because oftentimes the conflict is the fight that you have. We think of the conflict as the fight that we had or the tension that we feel parentheses because our needs were not met. And I like how you kind of bring us back to the root, and I know from our other conversations that mediation is really helping both parties getting their needs met. A lot of times those needs, even though we think of them as we need a different situation, we need a different system or decision making process. A lot of times the unmet need sounds like is emotional and some of what mediation does is kind of harness those emotions to help get those out on the table in a safe way. (00:14:22): I think too, it's not just that people maybe are afraid and fearful of conflict by itself, but maybe even conflict with that person. That person, either they've had blowups in the past or maybe the person they want to work on their conflict with is so afraid of conflict, they just shut down. And so I really see having a mediator to be so in these cases because you can come in and yes, you can be the expert on your life, but you can work with somebody that's trained to navigate the times when people either get heated or shut down or it feels like we're stuck. We're getting back into this blame cycle. In your experience, because I'm thinking about adult children and parents who's more likely to come with you, come to you and say, Hey, I really want to have this meeting. Is it the parent or is it the child? Speaker 2 (00:15:31): It's both equally honestly, because both sides have unmet needs and both sides have to adapt to, well, we had 18 years where I was this and now we're going to have the rest of our lives where I'm something else to you. We're in a different paradigm. So we talk about maladaptive and adaptive. I got that from Goor mate who studies trauma and it is like conflict is traumatizing. Relationships when there's damage to the relationship, it's traumatizing. And so we get the fight, flight, freeze or fawn responses, and again, what mediation does is it says you're going to be in that. We know you're going to be either in fight, fawn, freeze or fight with your parent and your child because the relationship really matters to you. So stakes are super high, and two, you are stuck with each other forever. So again, we're not talking about a relationship. (00:16:28): I can just buy forget you, I can go no contact. You're still my parent, I'm still your child. We shared DNA, I can't get around that. So the stakes are high, and so what we're trying to do is have two brains at the table as mediators who are not traumatized, who have been there before. I can get you out of this situation, who can move you in that direction and get you not lost. So the maladaptive stuff is really like, okay, when I was in my family, I adapted to a toxic environment and was like, these are the things I need to do to survive. When I got out of that toxic environment, those adaptations became maladaptive because I no longer was in that situation. So the hypervigilance, the walking on eggshells, the people pleasing so that mom and dad don't start fighting the blaming myself, oh, it's my fault you guys aren't getting along. (00:17:19): That was how I navigated and survived as a child in a situation that I had, again, a child's perspective. And when I got to an adult, I was like, oh, those skills don't work anymore. I can't keep doing that in my adult relationships. I can't keep doing that even with my own parents. We have to have a different, different relationship. So there's that transition. Parents and children equally come to mediation because we're all in a culture that is very, we have this punitive where we think people are motivated by punishment and we need to shift that mediation towards people are motivated by their needs when they're met. It's not a reward. We're not giving you a prize. We're like, I'm a human being and I need water and food and shelter and relationships, and without those things I can't function. It's not a reward, it's a necessary part of my survival. (00:18:15): So that's the first shift. And the other is what you kind of mentioned. We go from competitive where we have these power dynamics of parents. It's either the parents way or your way and we're competing and a mediation. We're trying to say, okay, how about instead of it being about power and competition, it's about the problem in front of us that we need to solve the unmet need and why don't we face it together? So we go from trying to butt heads to sitting next to each other and facing it together so that all of our needs can be met, and those are just really hard shift to make when you're in a culture that is so competitive, so punitive, and I'll give an example, the parenting example where we as Americans learn to parent by having that authority, and that's modeled for us in all of our systems. (00:19:01): The Dutch, they are not in that kind of culture. They're in a different culture where they literally ask babies, can I change your diaper? They're literally asking their infants permission to change the diaper, which to us as Americans is like, seriously, that's ridiculous. If my kid poops in their diaper, I'm going to take it off and clean it. I don't need permission. But they're in a culture where it's more common to have that collaborative relationship. Hey, what do you want? Do I have your consent to do these things? And they're practicing it with infants, and I imagine that I'm not Dutch, so I'm just like, maybe I'm fantasizing about a better culture, but I'm like, oh, I wonder if as you continue, you're asking that permission, you're getting that buy-in, you're practicing that collaboration. Whereas in the US we don't see that on tv. We don't see examples of it. (00:19:53): We don't see our system saying, Hey, would you like to pay your taxes? It's like if you don't pay your taxes, you go to jail. And it's like, oh. Oh wow. Okay, so then what do we do with our kids? If you don't do this, you're going to go to your room, you're going to be grounded, you're going to be punished. We know we have enough data, we have hundreds of years of data that shows that punishment doesn't motivate people. If punishment motivated people, jails would be empty by now. What we do know is that we're social creatures, that our relationships really matter and if we don't have them, we can't function and the primary relationship is the parent-child relationship. So if that relationship can shift into that repair, into meeting needs, that setting up yourself as a parent to have a better partnership with your co-parents or your families, your friends, but also your kid is going to be more likely to approach relationships with that and have more successful relationship pattern in the future. And it's just something that again, we inherit culturally, it's no one's fault, but when we go to something like mediation, not only do we get our needs met for that situation, but we learn a new pattern for how to have relationships. And so both parents and children benefit from that. And because that's a primary relationship, if that can be solid and repaired and needs can be met there just opens up everything for the other relationships in your life. Speaker 1 (00:21:16): Wow, you said so many powerful things. In that answer, I am thinking a little bit about how that primary relationship is so powerful in our lives, and it sounds to me like when you can go there just like in a therapy setting and try to figure some things out, but in this case you have actual action steps, you start to benefit in your other relationships. Well, I wanted to share with you an example and just have you do your thing so people can kind of hear a little bit about how it works. So I'm going to read it to you. Is that a good way to do this? Speaker 2 (00:21:56): Yeah, that sounds great. Speaker 1 (00:21:58): Okay, so it's told from the parents' point of view, your daughter graduates from college and moves back home. You're really happy about this because you've missed them and it feels like you're getting some bonus time. You don't really talk about paying rent, but in your mind you think at some point you'll talk about it. After all, you want her to understand there are real costs associated with living at home, and there's also the worry that if you let her live there for free, she won't have the skills needed to budget or pay rent. Later a year goes by and you haven't had a real conversation about this, but your bills really are higher. Not to mention the cost of groceries have gone up and you're covering all of it. In the meantime, she's kind of messy. She'll clean up when you ask, but when you see a glimpse of her bedroom, it's a disaster and something about that makes you feel disrespected and taken advantage of. (00:22:49): You're laying out all this generosity. The least you can do is keep things clean and tidy. When you bring it up, there's tension because it throws you back into the rules of child and parent. And after all, she's grown up. Now to make matters worse, she just comes home whenever she wants and that affects your sleep because you worry about her safety, you like a text or two about her whereabouts, but you worry that you'll come off as controlling on the upside. She's a very loving sister and helps out with their siblings, taking them to and from practices and spending quality time with them. She works full time and has amassed a generous savings account in addition to starting to pay back her student loans. And you feel really proud about that. You love your daughter and you want a positive relationship, but lately all of your conversations revolve around your problems. How can you talk about the living situation in a loving way and find a resolution that works for both of you? Speaker 2 (00:23:50): I love this. They need to go to mediation. So what I would want to see is I would want to see them go to mediation, and part of that just baseline is because they need to talk about this. It took them more. It took them 18 plus years to get to where they are right now where there's tension around communicating things. And you also are transitioning from a child who you've never talked to about costs and rents and expenses to an adult who suddenly needs to actually understand that. And that's a pretty stark shift. And that shift happened while they were away at school and now they're back. And we haven't had that time to kind of smoothly transition into like, oh, now we have a different dynamic. So first thing I would say is they need to talk about this if it took them more than 18 years to get there, going to take more than little conversations here and there, and that's kind of how we talk to our parents and kids in life. (00:24:47): I ask people, when was the last time you sat down to talk together where you're just talking, there's not tv, there's not a meal, there's not an activity. There're talking about practical things. It rarely happens. The most common answer is that's never happened. We don't sit down and say, how was your budget? Are you going to pay rent? We say it as a side comment in the middle of whatever's happening and then it's like what the person receiving it is confused what we're talking about this right now. So what mediation does, it sets time and a container to have that conversation and that in itself is really powerful to say, okay, we're going to stay here and a mediation session is two hours after two hours, no one's getting any better than we can do as many sessions as you need. If it took 18 years to get there, it's going to take more than two hours to get out of it. (00:25:36): So our setting aside time, so either the parent or the child would say, Hey, I want to mediate with you. I recommend when you are asking someone to mediate with you, you really come at it like an invitation. I'm inviting you to talk with me. This isn't a fight. You're not in trouble. This isn't a punishment because people immediately associate that with like, are you suing me? What's going on? This is new, I'm scared. So just saying, I want to have a better relationship with you. I want these positive things and I think we can get it through mediation and then don't worry about explaining mediation. Have the person who's setting up the mediation, explain it to them, answer their questions. That's not your job, that's their job. Your job is to just make sure that that relationship stays intact. And then when you get to mediation, everyone's going to get to talk about things. (00:26:21): What this parent is saying, a mediator would translate into what I call parts. So I heard a couple parts, I heard time together. That might also be the living situation. I heard rent, budget, groceries, housekeeping, sleep and communication. We call it housekeeping instead of chores because chores would be taking someone's side, right? Chores is something you punish a kid with, and housekeeping is something that if we are sharing a space together, we all are involved in the housekeeping and it's not a punishment, it's just keeping up our house. So I would go through as a mediator and I would make sure both the child and the parent both get to speak equally. So that's the other thing is that power dynamic gets neutralized in a mediation. We're not doing this. Parent says it's so game or a child says, so game we're saying you both have to agree for this to happen and we're slowing everything down so that we can talk about everything. (00:27:18): We can find out what are all the parts. I listened for feelings. So I heard this parent feeling worried, feeling taken advantage of disrespected. I also heard a lot of love and happiness and support towards their kid, and then I heard them value lots of things. So their values were like the positive relationships, safety, cleanliness, responsibility, understanding, preparation for when she does leave the house. So we would highlight those feelings, parts and values because that's what makes sure people feel heard. So the first part of mediation, we're just trying to make sure everyone feels heard, they feel accepted, everyone gets an equal access to say something in the mediation, and then we move into problem solving. So that's the other mistake we make is we're so uncomfortable with conflict, we jump to the solution. We're like, no, let's just fix it. Fine, I'll just pay rent. Fine. You just pay for everything. Re it's like, okay, whoa, let's slow down. A mediator is going to be, again, not triggered by this, not upset by this. You're going to say, let's slow down, let's try to understand, ask a lot of questions, build the understanding, make sure people feel heard. Now we move into solutions. Speaker 1 (00:28:27): I know you might be a little mad at me right now because I paused our conversation. Elizabeth had so much wisdom to share with us and it just really gave me new insights about how mediation can be a tool when I've always really looked for or looked to therapy for some of the things that she was talking about. I love this idea of like, Hey, you know what? Let's just get out of the woods and decide what we want to do next. So we're going to keep going on our journey and we're going to move from conflict resolution to movement. Might think of it as a place to get your emotions out if you can't always sit across from a mediator. A little segue for you whether you need it or not. So I want to introduce you to Janna Barrett. She is a fitness and movement coach who lives in Wellington, New Zealand and she specializes in steel mace training and functional movement for women over 50. (00:29:24): We don't get into mace training and this segment, but I really recommend that you check her out. She does amazing work and I learned that mace training is really great for women in midlife. Now the other thing you should know is that because of the time difference in New Zealand, when I was interviewing her, the sun was coming up and she was in front of this beautiful coastal bay and she was just a delight and the background didn't hurt at all. In this segment, Janna's going to share knowledge that's going to change maybe how you think about exercise entirely. She explains that women actually have a 28 31 day movement cycle that syncs up with surprise our hormones and men can work out in a 24 hour cycle, which means our entire fitness culture and our work culture for that matter is designed around the male pattern. (00:30:22): And I know you're not surprised by that, but maybe you've never thought about how that speaks into how you're working out. So she breaks down the estrogen and progesterone phases introduces the concept of training aligned with the moon cycle for postmenopausal women and validates this idea of the blahs where that premenstrual time when you feel fat and ugly and miserable and sleepy and you don't want to face the world and janna's compassionate explanation, she tells us this is not laziness. It is your biology asking you to rest and ladies and maybe some gentleman who may be on the call, this is your reminder to rest and listen to your body. I found this interview so helpful because thinking about how I work out and in sync with my body, it was not something I was used to considering. I had started to think about it related to food but not to working out. And I know some of us are very structured and we want to do things the same way every day, every week, but Janna is saying if you want to age gracefully and take care of your body, remember your biology and I think this is especially important for women in midlife who are navigating perimenopause, but even if you're beyond that, she introduces the moon cycle, which I think could help with your thinking with that as well. Alright, let's go hop into this conversation with Yana Take. (00:32:04): So let's talk about training with your hormonal cycle. This is something I only learned about recently. In fact, I learned about it more from a nutritional point of view with some overlap around hormone. For those who are listening this and this is new, what does that mean to train with your hormonal cycle? Speaker 3 (00:32:28): So first of all, women have to realize that we have roughly about 28 to 31 day hormonal cycle. The way we traditionally train our bodies, it's like men have a 24 hour hormonal cycle. So they can train Monday to Friday or Monday to Sunday. They can have six week, 12 week training cycles, and that's usually when women try to fit into as well. But as we all know, our menstrual cycles are, as I said, between 28 and 31 days within that month. I'm just going to call it month for it. So it's kind of easy to refer to. You have different hormones are dominant, so in the first part of your cycle it's estrogen is much more dominant and then halfway through you start producing progesterone, which is the hormone that will get us to settle the egg into the uterus because everything is kind of tied to reproduction. (00:33:27): That's how we were designed. And then eventually you have your period and both of these hormones are sensitive to different things. So in your estrogen phase of your cycle, you can train like a man. Women often notice they have lots of energy. They're very outgoing, very bubbly. They even say that our communication skills are better. We can pretty much go go and train hard. But once that halfway point happens by day 20, you need to start producing progesterone that is the hormone that they call it chill hormone. It's very good for our mental health. It reduces anxieties and it's basically mother nature telling us, Hey, there could be a fertilized egg in your body right now. So I want you to chill. I want you to rest more. I want you to sleep more. I want you to nourish your body more to give the embryo the most chances to kind of survive and make it through. (00:34:31): So for women who don't make enough progesterone, they usually will have very bad PMS, very heavy periods. Their perimenopausal, menopausal symptoms will be worse. Anxiety, mild bouts of depression, it's not good. We need progesterone. It's a very nourishing hormone. They're even now linking the lack of progesterone to more risk of breast cancer. So we really need that hormone. But progesterone is extremely sensitive to stress. So if you are stressed from work or from relationships or exercise because exercise is a stress as well, it's a physiological stress, then you can upset the production of progesterone, which will have bad consequences for you at the end of the cycle. So in this phase you can't train as a man anymore. You need to maybe skip some workouts. You need to reduce the intensity of your training sessions. It's quite lovely to swap maybe hardcore strength training for a bit more walking or swimming or yoga a bit more time in nature. (00:35:44): So women really need to pay attention to the different phases within their cycle. So essentially your training schedule should be 28 to 31 days long and it's not for most women, it's Monday to Friday or coaches will design a six week or 12 week training schedule. And I was guilty of that for my clients as well. I didn't understand this till very, very recently, but often your body will ask, I don't really want to go and ruin myself at the gym. But then women often override these messages with thinking, oh, don't be lazy, but you can't slack. It's like you need to work towards your goals and towards the things that you want to achieve. So I think that our bodies are constantly sending us messages, but we don't always listen to that and put some stories around it like you're just lazy. Don't slack get up. Whereas the body's going, Hey, I just want to go for a walk today. You just take me for a walk. That's what I want. Speaker 1 (00:36:53): I think that learning to truly listen to our bodies is something that a lot of women are paying more attention to In midlife. It would be awesome to have more women who became mothers who taught this to their daughters, and I do think this is starting to happen more, but it's challenging when we think back generationally to my mom whose mom wouldn't even talk about periods to her, to my mom who didn't really talk about it to me either. It wasn't something we weren't allowed to talk about. So now I have three sons and I talk to them about my period because I am really trying to break the cycle of when should they have a woman in their lives that they love? I want them to feel this is not new information. And it's funny when I have had conversations with them about, Hey, does your girlfriend ever talk about your period? (00:38:02): They just really casually respond. Yeah, it's something that she might tell me about and it's reassuring. It makes me hopeful for the future because I think one of the reasons women override their thoughts is that there's not space for them in culture. It's never been okay to need to stay home because of your period, right? It's a reason that some women have been judged as unfit for the workplace. All women who have menstruated know that there's been days where it's probably more the pmms week to not interface much with the public, to nurture yourself because we are really unique. Earlier I was talking about this idea of with exercise, sometimes I can go for periods of time where I'm on a break from it and I almost wonder if, because I've pushed myself really hard with exercise and with workouts, my body's just trying to do a reset because whether or not it's aligned with my cycle at all, but just like, girl, you need a break. I know some people are listening to this and they're thinking, alright, my cycle's really irregular right now. I'm in midlife or I'm done having my cycle. I know some women are on birth control where they don't even know when they are in the cycle. So how do we take this advice and translate it for them? Speaker 3 (00:39:38): That's a really good question because I get that a lot as well. Women never stop being cyclical beings because even in menopause you are still producing some hormones. So in menopause we produce estron in the adrenal glands, so there is still a form of estrogen. It's not as much and it's a different form of it, but we are still cycling and we're you're still a woman. You don't turn into a man when you stop having periods. So I tell women, you still should follow that monthly flow with your exercise, but because you don't have that day one, which normally for women with still is the day one of your period, then I suggest to women that they themselves up with the moon cycle because the moon cycle is 29 days and I don't think that's a coincidence. I really don't because often women line themselves up with the full moon or the new moon when they are having their periods. (00:40:44): So line yourself up to choose your day one as line your day one with either the new moon or the full moon and then go for your 29, 30 days with your rest, with your exercise, with your food as well because there is the foods you should be eating for the different phases as well. You need more rest in the second phase as well. And when you were talking Victoria about the workplace and how sometimes in that last week before period you would just rather stay at home under the blankets. We all go through that. So that's again, our world has been designed for men. Monday to Friday it's a man's schedule because they have a 24 hour hormonal window. They can go Monday to Friday hard out and then they have a weekend to recover. For us again, we should have a monthly work schedule where we go hard out seven days a week for the first fortnight and then after day 20 we're going to take three days off. (00:41:53): When we post ovulation, when we're in that hole, I often call it the hole where you kind of feel ugly, fat, miserable, sleepy. You don't want to face the world. That should be the time where we should be allowed to just stay in home and look at ourselves and just nourish ourselves and walk and brew some herbs, whatever women want to do, and then reenter the world again and maybe rest on the day one or day two of your period and then enter the workplace again. But that's a bit of a fantasy. That's how we should be working as women. Speaker 1 (00:42:32): I wanted to jump in here really quick and tell you about something I've been working on and invite you to come along. If today's conversation is making you think about your own story, the parts you've lived but never fully examined, I want you to know that I teach guided autobiography workshops throughout the year. Each workshop is built around a theme like family Turning points, health money, and you'll write about your life just two pages at a time. There's no pressure to produce a memoir, no judgment about your writing skills, just you me, a small group of fellow travelers and the profound experience of putting your memories into words. New workshop dates open throughout the year and you can find all the details@victoriapayne.com. Your story matters and sometimes it just takes a little structure and a lot of encouragement to finally tell it. (00:43:22): Let's keep the conversation going about movement and midlife with Dr. Maria Luque. She's a health sciences professor, founder of fitness and menopause and a certified personal trainer. She's also currently in perimenopause herself, which I think makes me trust her more, giving us both her professional advice and her lived experience. In this segment, Dr. Luca Debunks, the Myth of the Menopause Diet explains why resistant training matters and doesn't make you bulky and delivers the most liberating message. Never stop doing something you enjoy because you read somewhere that another type of exercise is somehow better. Dr. Maria shares the story of an 80-year-old dancer who never did resistance training but danced his whole life and his body functioned beautifully. The key she says isn't perfection, it's consistency, frequency, and joy. This is such a great message for us because American women, we are prone to wanting to try the next best thing and here she reminds us to not just move, but to find joy in our movement. For people like me listening, her feeling frustrated, like I feel like I'm doing all the things. What do I need to know about movement and nutrition at this time of life? Is it just the same as it's always been or is there Something unique about this time Speaker 4 (00:44:48): Is regarding nutrition, and I disclaimer, I'm not a nutritionist, so I tend to stay away from specific advice, but there is no menopause diet. So all of these marketing, because we are being marketed to now, there's a money to be made in the menopause world, so you're going to see a lot more of these menopause diets and things that are specific to menopause. There is no such thing. There is no reason why women need to eat differently unless there's a reason, like a medical reason or you would know if there a reason for you to have to switch your diet such as insulin sensitivity, you're having to go keto because certain reasons that you have to do all of the normal healthy advice still applies. For instance, if we do know that during menopause there's a lot more inflammation in the body just because of the hormones changing. (00:45:45): So an anti-inflammatory diet like the Mediterranean diet is always a great idea. It just becomes maybe more of a increasing your fiber and increasing your protein, those normal things that we are told to do anyway. There's no reason for you to start eliminating all carbs or all sugar or all of those excess things that are always told that fear-based mongering of you have to cut out all of these things and don't eat after this time. You have to listen to your body. What I have noticed is that you might not process things the way you did before. So if you notice that eating at nine o'clock or eating for instance, for me, I have a hard time eating in the morning currently and it's never been a problem for me for the past year. I just feel really nauseous and so it was a real problem. (00:46:32): I really enjoyed breakfast, but now I know that two hours after I wake up, that's when I need to eat and sometimes it's sooner, but it's being more flexible in your approach because things are changing. So that's the nutrition part. Still do those things, make sure you ate enough fiber and make sure that you have enough calcium in your diet and you have enough protein. From a movement perspective though, this is a big one because I do feel that a lot of women just don't resistance train enough, and that becomes a crucial part of just aging. When we go through menopause as we age, we lose muscle at an accelerated rate as we get older, and that is for everyone, not specific to gender but for women. As we go through menopause, it gets accelerated so we lose muscle at an even more accelerated rate, which is a problem because the more muscle we lose, it affects our metabolism, it affects how we function, it affects our risk of falling, affects our ability to recover from injuries. (00:47:32): So building muscle becomes one of the most important aspects of any movement routine. So although I'm not an advocate to say all you need to do, leave everything you've ever done and just do resistance training, I do think that it is important if you want to make a real change, resistance training has to be at the core of it. Lifting weights or doing some sort of resistance training is really important. And then movement in, like you said, a lot of us are sitting a lot more, it becomes more critical to move more in smaller chunks of time, so breaking up the sitting time and just moving more, it helps with mood, it helps with sleep, it helps with all sorts of things, and then finding movement that you truly enjoy. If a dance class really lifts your spirit, that is movement that counts. We need to step away from thinking that the only thing that counts is going to a CrossFit gym and working until we're about to pass out because that is not the truth for an hour a day that counts. If you dance, if you garden, if you move your body household chores, that all counts. That is movement. We just need to do more of it. We need to ensure that during the day we are doing more movement than sitting. Try to move your body as much as you can and include resistance training. Those are the two things that I would highlight as really, really important. Speaker 1 (00:48:58): I love what you had to say about nutrition, that the things that have always been recommended are the way to go. As somebody who doesn't like anything extreme, I love this idea that I don't have to cut out carbs or sugar or stop eating at 6:00 PM but that it really is about knowing my body and noticing what's working and what's not working. And something that I've noticed specifically for me is I have a running partner and she and I run periodically and I do weight training and a few other things. We've both been pretty busy over the last couple of months and haven't been running as much, and I had started to because I was reading more about less cardio when you're in menopause, more weight training, and so I was starting to discount our runs as significant to my overall health and fitness as long as I was walking or gardening, but I actually think my body is missing the runs that we would do even sometimes it might just be three or five miles at a time, but that was movement that is now being replaced with sitting. (00:50:11): So I love the encouragement to just notice and pay attention, and I think that it's a time of life where as women, we can really struggle with body image and we can get really down on ourselves because it feels like my body's changing, it's out of control. And then we have our hormones that are going up and down. Me personally, I've tried to just continuously have a positive conversation with myself about where I'm at. It's not always easy to do, but I think when we focus on strengthening our body or the longevity hopefully of a healthy life, we can kind of shift into something that's beneficial. Speaker 4 (00:51:02): Yes, several excellent points here. First I want to say there's nothing more magic than feeling strong. If you feel strong, it makes you feel different in your body. So the resistance training besides all the other benefits, it just changes how you view yourself as well. Because you said body image, it's been a real focus of what I work on with women now because body image is such a big component of menopause because our bodies do change regardless of what we're doing. All we can do is say, okay, what can we do to feel better in our bodies? And strength training consistently is a winner. There's something that happens to you when you start feeling like you're stronger, that you see you're getting stronger because you see yourself differently. You see your body as something that is capable of doing something important, which I try to stress a lot, is never stop doing something that you really enjoy because you read somewhere or someone told you that another type of something is better and that's what you should do. (00:52:02): Because the reality is that if you don't like what you're doing, you're not going to continuously do it. Any type of exercise done consistently for a long period of time is more valuable than something that is higher intensity or more strenuous for a short period of time. It's the longevity part, it's the co consistency part. It's the frequency. It isn't the intensity that will drive the long-term factors. If you're able to do high intensity forever, then great if that is your thing and you really enjoy it, more power to you. But a lot of women are being pushed into this high intensity mindset, and again, I'm a huge fan of it, but if it's not your thing and you're trying to force yourself to do that and you're giving up things that you truly loved, like walking or hiking two hours a day that you really enjoyed outdoors, and now someone told you that sprint intervals is the only way that you will lose the belly fat, you will stop doing what you did because we only have so much time in the day and you're now doing this thing that you think you should be doing that you're not going to continue doing. (00:53:10): So not only are you failing at that, but now you're feeling worse because you're not doing the things that you need for your mental health. Any runner that I've ever talked to does the running mostly for the mental benefits. It's more of the I'm getting my head, I'm outdoors. That's the part, and maybe I'm assuming that's the same for you. My point is never give up any type of movement that you truly enjoy and that you are regularly doing regardless of what anybody says, because you're going to get more benefits out of that then than doing something that you didn't enjoy. I think we all have seen those videos of older couples dancing and the joy that they have. I see it here when I've gone to a two step class and there's this one older gentleman who goes apparently all the time and the joy he has, he to be in his eighties. He danced with all the ladies in the bar, and I bet you he has never done any kind of resistance training. He's still out there dancing and living his life to his fullest, and it's probably because he's been dancing his entire life. It's the what can you do forever that you really enjoy this movement specific, and if you enjoy resistance training and I can get you to enjoy it, then that's wonderful, but that shouldn't be to the detriment of something that you really enjoyed before Take Speaker 5 (00:54:37): See. Speaker 1 (00:54:51): All right, so far we've been really talking about preventative health and we're going to continue in that vein, but I want to introduce you to Dr. Tice Goodlow who really explains that it is hard to be sick and it is hard to be well, and really it's about choosing your hard. So Dr. Tice Goodlow or Dr. G, the NP is a board certified cardiology nurse practitioner who has a DMP from the University of Arizona. She is an award-winning hypertension researcher who now trains clinicians in EKG interpretation. She focuses on cardiovascular health in minority communities, but Dr. G is also a powerlifter who walks her talk. She's never going to ask patients to do something. She's not doing herself. In this segment, she delivers one of the most empowering reframes I've ever heard. She says, as a healthcare provider, I can only do two things, give you a pill or give you a procedure, but you can do seven things. Eating, exercise, sleep, dental care, watching alcohol, no smoking, no drugs. This segment asks the question, I think every woman needs to answer. How committed am I to my own health? Dr. G's passion for heart health is exactly what we need to hear in midlife. While we might be thinking about weight gain, aging and diet, her focus on cardiovascular preventative care reminds us to take care of our hearts now and this two seven framework, it is really empowering. It puts our health back in our own hands. Let's listen up for Dr. G. Speaker 6 (00:56:38): It's hard to be healthy and it's hard to be sick. Pick your hard. Speaker 1 (00:56:44): Yeah, I like to say if we're lucky, we will live a long time. And what do you want that life to be like? If we are lucky enough to live to 80 and 90 and what do we want our quality of life to be? We have these practices, this kind of health prevention or maintenance, then we have these ways in which we work with our healthcare providers to find out how we're doing what we need to watch or pay attention to. So what are some of the conversations that you feel like women in midlife, maybe starting around 35, 40, 50, what should we be talking to our doctors about? Speaker 6 (00:57:32): One of the most important things that your provider needs to be aware of is your family history. That's very important. I've had patients before that everyone in the family, every male, once they hit 50, they had a heart attack. So we're going to be doing preventative care before you're 50, right? We're going to be doing stress tests and evaluations and being very diligent on your cholesterol and your blood pressure and all those sort of things so that you're not the next statistic in your family. So that's one thing I would say is very important is to make sure that your provider is clear on your family history. The other thing that I would say, and this is a tough conversation, and this is a tough topic I'm bringing up, but I would challenge every patient before going to a provider to ask themselves how committed am I? (00:58:22): Am I willing to do the work or am I looking for someone else to do the work? Because at the end of the day, as a healthcare provider, I only can do two things. I can either one, give you a pill or two, you get a procedure, that's it. We have nothing else to offer. But you can do a lot of things. Eating, exercise, sleep, dental care, watching the alcohol, smoking, no drugs, understanding that if you're going on this health journey to say, I want to be healthy, I want to be whole. I want to live a good quality life and a long quantity life, understand that as a commitment. I think some patients misconstrue that thinking, oh, well, I have high blood pressure. They're just going to give you a pill and it'll be fine. Even if your blood pressure's fine, you still have high blood pressure, right? Because you're on the pill. And that's still a risk factor, regardless of if it's controlled or not, versus working on not having that. So I think it's an honest conversation to say, how committed are you for your own health? Speaker 1 (00:59:27): That's an awesome question. I love the breakdown of how you can do two things, and we can do at least seven, maybe even more, including if we're struggling to eat a healthy diet, but we can even go find someone who can support us in that, or we can watch YouTube videos on mindset and we have a lot of tools, and if we're going to our healthcare providers thinking that's going to fix the problem, yeah, that's a different story. I'm curious about some of the heart healthy tests that you think that a woman in midlife should be having. Speaker 6 (01:00:17): I would say that there are a bunch of tests that people should definitely get done annually. And when you say test, I'm even considering other things like having your blood pressure assessed because a lot of people think about blood work, but having that sort of measurement being done, cholesterol should definitely be tested, thyroid should be tested, blood panels should be tested, kidney function should be tested, electrolytes should be tested. Those are the basic things that we test. And I would even go so far as to say is to try to understand your numbers, right? Understand what a reasonable cholesterol number is. There's four of 'em listed on there. Do you know what all four mean? Or which one is the one we care most about? And the one we would target if there's a problem and why are we doing these things? So yeah, that would be minimally that would need to be done. Speaker 1 (01:01:12): I love that you brought up understanding your numbers because I am one of, I don't know what the percentage of people are healthy person with high cholesterol, and I also have a family history of heart disease and it's not easy to understand my numbers. And I'm wondering if you would be willing to explain to us what these mean. If I tell you what my numbers are, Speaker 6 (01:01:38): Sure, why not? Let's go for it. I Speaker 1 (01:01:41): Think something that I and maybe other people could benefit from understanding is, especially because I'm talking specifically about cholesterol and I feel like the conversation around cholesterol numbers, I don't know if it's changing or we're hearing more about it. And my alarming number is the big number, but then I have other numbers that are good and so how concerned should I be? So my total cholesterol is 2 41 and that's a little higher than the last time I had it checked. My triglycerides are 84, my HDL cholesterol is 73, and my cholesterol HDL ratio is 3.3 and my LDL number is 1 66. Speaker 6 (01:02:37): Okay, so I have one more question and then I'll answer your question. Are you on cholesterol medicine? Speaker 1 (01:02:46): No. Speaker 6 (01:02:46): Okay. So I think sometimes there's this misnomer that as clinicians, we just throw people on medicines. And so in order to determine if somebody belongs on cholesterol medicine, what you generally do is figure out something called their A-S-C-V-D score. So atherosclerotic cardiovascular disease score, it's your risk for having a stroke or a heart attack within the next decade. So part of trying to figure out that score is we use some of the numbers that you just stated. I'd have to pull up my calculator to give you your exact score, but I will say, yeah, 2 41 is high. We generally like that. Below 200, your triglycerides are fabulous. Speaker 1 (01:03:29): 84. Yeah, that's fabulous. Is triglycerides one of the bad or is it one of the good cholesterols? Speaker 6 (01:03:36): The triglycerides always tell patients that's the one you have the most control over. You personally, because try means three, but glycerin is sugar and eyes is fats, sugar, fats lower your sugar fats, your triglycerides will go down. Triglycerides are very commonly elevated in diabetics, which makes sense if you have high blood sugar for that to be elevated and whatnot. Your HDL is good. It seems like it's almost too good. You like HDL to be over 50 in women, yours is 73. That's pretty good. HDL is the good cholesterol. That's cardio protection for you. Out of all the numbers that you said to me, the one that's most alarming to me is the LDL, you said it was 1 66. Okay. And you have a family history of cardiovascular disease, but do you personally, have you had an event? Speaker 1 (01:04:27): I have not. And I also have had a calcium score test done and I had zero plaque, but that was about a year ago. Speaker 6 (01:04:36): Calcium scoring is great, but remember calcium is hard and it's rigid and it's old, so you don't have any old lesions, but there can be lesions that are newer where that could break off and cause a heart attack and whatnot. So it's good that you don't have old lesions. LDL is the bad cholesterol. Whenever we treat people for cholesterol, we attack the LDL first. That's what we're thinking of because if you fix the bad, the overall of your 2 41, that's going to go down. So we don't really say, oh, let's hit that one. The current clinical practice guidelines when it comes to cholesterol is this. That's why I was asking if you personally had a history, and I know you told me no. So for someone like you, we would want it no higher than 99. You want it 99 or less. In America, if you have had an event, we want it under 70, so 69 or less. (01:05:42): Now I'm saying America because I want to talk about Europe for a hot second and I'm going to bring it back to America. So in Europe, if you have not had an event, they actually want it under 55. And if you have had an event in Europe, they want it under 50. So vastly different guideline practices. Now let me speak a little bit about LDL here. So LDL again is a bad cholesterol. We don't like that. The clinical data shows that there's no such thing as having an LDL that's too low. It's literally the lower the better. When we're born, our LDL is roughly around the thirties. So considering that worst case scenario, we want you at 99. And again, if you got under, that's even better. Literally the lower you get the better. But you can see how 99 is a big difference from one sixties. And so without even really having my calculator to calculate your risk score, it sounds like that your risk score may be elevated. So in general, if the score is 7.5% or more, it's recommended to be on cholesterol medicines. Now having said that, that is not a substitute. We supplement with lifestyle modifications and it sounds like you're already doing lifestyle modifications. So unfortunately it just sounds like the genetic component is so huge on you. But let's be positive here. Imagine if you weren't doing what you needed to do, how high it would be, Speaker 1 (01:07:29): Speaking of feeling a little naked. Now you know all about my familial high cholesterol. And I will say that in the last two years since I had that conversation, I have been taking some important steps lowering a little bit. And if you have issues with cholesterol, I hope you learned something from Dr. G. Now I want to introduce you to another doctor. This is Dr. Soma Mondal and she's a board certified internist who studied at

Connected: Why Knowing Your Ancestry Matters

What if the key to understanding who you are lies not just in your DNA, but in the stories of those who came before you? In this episode, I'm joined by genealogy researcher and writer Jacqueline Jannotta. Jacqueline is the award-winning author of Let’s Leave the Country! A Guide to Your Family Year Abroad, inspired by her family’s extraordinary year in Genoa, Italy. That book is one facet of her work as a writer, avid genealogist, and self-described forever optimist. Something that Jacqueline loves is helping people uncover not just their ancestry, but the deeper meaning behind it. In my conversation with Jacqueline, we talk about how her passion for genealogy developed and why humans across cultures and centuries have traced their lineages, and what happens when we dig into our own. Spoiler: it’s often more surprising—and more emotional—than we expect. This episode has two parts and some bonus content. In part one, we discuss why so many people begin this search in midlife, how DNA tests can offer both clarity and confusion, and how family patterns—sometimes visible only in hindsight—can echo across generations. She also introduces us to a concept called the overview effect—a kind of zoomed-out awareness, like astronauts experience when viewing Earth from space. In genealogy, it’s the moment when your personal story clicks into the larger human story, and you realize how deeply connected we all are. In part 2, we zoom in and Jacqueline shares her research on my genealogy and what she discovered in my family tree—surprising connections, covered up stories, and even a mystery. Something cool that surfaces in all of our conversations is the often overlooked significance of your matrilineal line and family patterns around early loss, strong women, and resilience. In the bonus content, she even traces one ancestral line all the way back to ancient Europe—and shares a jaw-dropping possibility about a historical order my ancestors might have founded. Whether you're curious about your heritage, hoping to discover family stories, or hear how a genealogy researcher finds all that amazing history, this episode is a beautiful invitation to zoom in on the details—and zoom way, way out. Learn more about Jacqueline at https://www.becomingbetterpeople.us/about-jacqueline-jannotta. And thank you to Wonderland for the music featured in this episode, Castaway by Moonlight. Podcast Edit: At minute 30:10, Jacqueline is telling a story about her family of origin. She mistakenly says that her mother died at an early age, but she meant to say that her grandmother's mother died at an early age. She is making the point that both of her grandparents lost a parent at an early age and ultimately found each other.

Food. Sex. Magic: Aphrodisiac Foods for a Healthy Sex Life

In this episode, Naked Librarian host, Victoria Payne, interviews Amy Reiley, an aphrodisiac food expert, about the connection between food and sexual health. They discuss how certain foods can affect sex drive and performance, and provide tips for incorporating aphrodisiac foods into meals. Amy explains that foods like dark chocolate, chili peppers, coffee, and pineapple can have positive effects on sexual health. She also emphasizes the importance of hydration and a varied, colorful diet for overall sexual well-being. The conversation highlights the importance of individual preferences and finding foods that both partners enjoy. Amy cautions against consuming foods that are endangered or dangerous, as they have no proven aphrodisiac effects. Always seek professional advice for any sexual health concerns.   *** Thank you to Amy Reiley at eatsomethingsexy.com [https://www.eatsomethingsexy.com/]. And thank you to ORKAS [https://artlist.io/royalty-free-music/artist/orkas/866] for the tunes...Hey You.  You can find The Naked Librarian's Guide to Your First Colonoscopy here [https://amzn.to/3VUQG3F]. Thank you to our sponsor Mission Flow [https://getmissionflow.com/] — marketing and automation for businesses on a mission.    To see the transcript of this episode, see below:  Speaker 1:        You can affect your sexual health and performance without prescription drugs or expensive supplements. When it comes to sex, food really is medicine. Speaker 1:        So how's your sex life? Kind of an intimate question, I know, but did you know that 40% of women age 40 or older report a lowered sex drive and after 50, that drops to 34% and men aren't doing that much better? With 46% of men over 50 reporting some issue with erectile dysfunction. Now, don't get me wrong, I hope you have an amazing, fulfilling, tremendous sex life. I wish you many orgasms and wet and wild nights, but if you're like a lot of Americans over 40, your sex life may not be what it once was before kids and your twenties perimenopause, or the stress about paying for college or saving for retirement. In fact, there's a lot that goes into our sexual yearnings and enjoyment beyond aging and hormones. And perhaps no big surprise here, our mental health plays a big part. Now for the good news, you can affect your sexual health and performance without prescription drugs or expensive supplements when it comes to sex, food really is medicine. Speaker 1:        And today I'm going to introduce you to an aphrodisiac food superhero goddess who is helping men and women have happy sex lives until their dying day, if of course, that is what they want and why not want that? Sex is fun. It relieves tension, provides pleasure, and builds intimacy with your partner. Hi, I'm Victoria Payne, your host and the creator of The Naked Librarian, where I uncover the truth about health and happiness for grown ass women. If you're new here, welcome. I'm so glad you're here. I'm a writer, storyteller and recovering English professor who uses her nerd power and love of good stories to bring you wellness news with some spice. Today you meet Amy Riley, a astronomical sex expert. Amy has an MA in astronomy from LA Cord Blue and is the author of five Aphrodisiac cookbooks, including Fork Me Spoon, me, and her latest project, the Better Sex Bundle for Men. Speaker 1:        You can find amazing recipes and free resources over at her website, eat something sexy.com. In this episode, Amy's got your hot tips on foods to amp up your sex drive, what to order and what to avoid on a romantic night out. And for the nerd choir, like me, some science behind why certain foods come with sexual health benefits. And yes, sometimes it's the actual nutrients, but sometimes it's the experience, the sound dark chocolate makes when you snap off a bite. That's what we're talking about. So if you're at all curious about what to eat or even what to hand feed your partner, join me in this fun and inspired conversation with Amy. Oh, and bring your notepad. You're probably going to want to jot a few of these tips down, or if you're in your car, maybe make some mental notes because you are in for a treat. Speaker 2:        So I'm so happy that you can join me today and people are going to listen to this at some point, but I think it's worth noting that we are just one day before we're like Valentine's Day Eve, and this is your time. This is when it sounds like you've had this amazing season of people wanting to talk to you about your specialty. And so I'm just curious, what have been some of the appearances that you've made, some of these special things that have happened because of your specialty in Aphrodisiac Foods? Speaker 3:        Oh my goodness. Well, first of all, I love that Valentine's Day Eve. Yes, it's the most, I mean, today is the more wonderful day. It's like you can anticipate Valentine's Day. I always like that feeling. So wonderful things. So I just found out that some of my quotes are recipes are going to be featured on AARP's website for Valentine's Day. So yes, so what is it, 55, 50? I don't even know the age range. Anyway, the over something crowd is going to have a little extra nudge towards some romance and maybe some nookie, Speaker 2:        Right? Because as I'm sure you discuss often age shouldn't be the end of desire and equity sex life. So I was so excited to learn about you and what you do, and I'm just dying to know how did you become an expert in aphrodisiac, a goddess designation? Is that black belt degree? How do you become this? Speaker 3:        That's as a frightening thought. Like a black belt in Aphrodisiac is a little, I might be a little kinky, I don't know. But no, it was actually, so I started out in the food business as actually a wine writer. I had worked in a winery tasting room. It was my first job after college. I learned a great, great deal about wine and I really loved it. And so I was working as a freelance wine writer for many years, pretty successfully. And I sometimes dabbled in food as well. And I happened to have a degree of massage therapy, so I sometimes got to write for spa magazines, which was kind of fun. There were some really great perks that go along with writing for a spa magazine. But I became very, very, very, very, very, very sick. And it took to get a diagnosis. And finally the doctor figured out that it was a combination of a mold allergy and a systemic yeast infection, which is a very weird thing. And basically it just, between the two of them, they destroyed my digestive system. It wasn't working, and I was just constantly losing weight, and I was exhausted. I mean was of course, I had no sex drive. I had no desire to get out of bed. And unfortunately, or fortunately, I don't want to say cure, what would be the word be? I can't find the word. But anyway, the prescription, the regime, whatever, to get better. Speaker 3:        It was a diet that was incredibly restrictive, truly horrible. I mean, the most restrictive diet you could probably ever imagine. Luckily, it wasn't for that long, but I want to say for three weeks I was completely restricted. I could have, for example, I could have no sugar of any kind, which meant not even lemon juice on a salad. It was really, and there were a lot of other things I couldn't have as well. It wasn't just sugar. And that went on for maybe three weeks, and then I was so excited the first time I got to eat a green apple. It was the first fruit you were allowed to introduce. And I just remember biting into that crunchy apple. I was so happy. So I went through this journey on this diet. The amazing thing about it though was that I started feeling better almost immediately, and I was really stunned by how much what we put in our bodies, the food we choose to put in our bodies can impact the way we feel almost instantly. Speaker 3:        And so I became very interested in that specific part of the health side of food. And I didn't want to talk about fad diets or restrictive diets or any of those things, but I was really interested in this whole idea. And I also was very interested. I happened to just love food history. I love mythology, I love folklore. And so I started learning about aphrodisiacs and I was like, oh, these are really, those are cool from a folkloric standpoint and all this mythology. And then I started reading the science side and reading a lot of papers and scientific journals and realizing that this was it. This is an area for me that can combine this interest and knowledge I have of how food can truly impact your holistic self along with this wonderful interest in food history and folklore and all of those things. And so that was my very long-winded way of saying, that's why I'm into aphrodisiacs. Speaker 2:        Well, I love this notion of when you're sick and that you're sick. Sometimes we have something that's sort of dull or problematic, but not creating situations where we don't want to get out of bed. And so we just have this gnawing sense. And it's interesting that when we're truly sick, how some of the basic things like food can really demonstrate the power that we have on our overall health. And we hear it all the time. Food is medicine. And in your story, we really hear that. And so food is medicine, especially what we're going to get into in terms of sexual health. And I think you talk about it as sexual health and performance, which I think is really interesting, right? Because you can have your sex drive and then you can have your enjoyment of sex, how much your partner enjoys having. Speaker 3:        And that's another whole part of it is how is your partner going to benefit and how can you use food to increase intimacy? So there's really very much a holistic experience using aphrodisiacs in your daily, in your diet or in planning a special meal. Speaker 2:        So I wanted to reach back to when we were talking about Valentine's Day Eve, and you were saying part of the anticipation of Valentine's Day is part of the enjoyment, and is that also part of Aphrodisiac Foods is the, it's not just the food that you're putting in your mouth, but it's the way that you're eating and the relationship you're having with what you're eating. Speaker 3:        Oh, I definitely, I feel very much so. That is incredibly important from how you set the scene to how you invite the other person to the table, or maybe you're cooking it together and anticipating together. I do. I think that's a really huge, huge part of the effectiveness of aphrodisiac in the context of you want to have a romantic experience, not in the context of changing your diet to sort of change your performance or your desire. Speaker 2:        So a lot of people go out to dinner for Valentine's or they have a special date night, or it's Friday night, they go out to eat. And we don't always have in our refrigerator, sorry, we don't always have on the menu what we might otherwise have at home. So if you had any advice for people going out either for Valentine's Day, what would you say? Hey, if you want this to be a romantic night, do these things. Speaker 1:        We're going to be right back to hear Amy's answer about what you should eat on a romantic night out. But first, I have a little message for you from Naked Librarian Central. Hey, it's Victoria here, and I have another personal question for you. Are you 45 or older? Do you know someone who is? If you answered yes to either of these questions, I have the perfect gift for you or your loved one. It's thoughtful, funny, original, because nothing says you care. And I got your back like the Naked Librarians Guide to your first colonoscopy and activity book for grownups. The American Cancer Society's Guidelines moved the colonoscopy age from 50 to 45 years old. So if you haven't scheduled yours, now is the time. This activity book is the companion experience to colonoscopy with 10 fun-filled activities and loads of hilarious trivia to keep you entertained while you count down from limited diet to final purge. There's even a colon maze you can do while you're waiting for the nurse to call you back for your procedure order. Your copy is easy. You can get yours on Amazon. Just search the Naked Librarian's guide to your first colonoscopy. Did I mention where number one in the colorectal category? In the meantime, make your list of friends and family. You want to delight with this rare and exciting gift, and as we say over at The Naked Librarian, bottoms Up. Speaker 3:        In fact, I have done a lot of consulting with chefs and restaurants on creating a Valentine's Day menu that could be effective in that way rather than just picking the things that sound like the most decadent, which is usually where a chef will go. So I do recommend, and some people will be sad, I recommend staying away from steak. Not that there's anything wrong with enjoying a steak when you want to enjoy a steak, but it makes you sleepy. It ends, the blood has to go to your stomach to digest that steak. Well, we want blood flow to go somewhere else if you're going to high, if you're going to go home and get it on, yes, the blood flow has to go somewhere else. So I tend to other heavy foods as well. A pasta and a cream sauce, not a great choice. I don't care if it has truffles on it. Speaker 3:        Yes, they are an aphrodisiac, but that pasta with the cream sauce is going to be really hard for your body to digest. I remember once I was working with a absolutely wonderful, very talented chef, and he had this wonderful Valentine's Day menu of light and exciting foods, and then he wanted to finish the meal with a giant ice cream sundae for two. And I was like, oh, no, honey. No, we don't want to do that to people. You don't want to have that sugar overload. You don't want to have that heavy, high calorie dessert. And I'm not saying that these things aren't great once in a while, but if your goal is to go home and enjoy a little romance, these are not the things you want to eat. Have a lighter dessert or a share a small dessert. One of my favorite romantic dinner desserts is ado, which is a shot of espresso with a scoop of gelato. Delicious light, sexy. I love the hot cold contrast. My theory is that foods that have multiple temperatures or multiple textures help pull you into the moment. They help make you more present because of those seductive sensory elements. So I always look for those in a meal. Many of my recipes have multiple elements in that way to kind of pull the diner in and make them feel present. Speaker 2:        Oh, these are great. So what I'm hearing is that when it comes to planning for a romantic night or looking forward to something like that, there's some things that we can do at dinnertime, and it sounds like avoiding foods that are harder to or take more energy to digest or taste blood flow, fattier dishes that might make us more full and tired. So almost, it's almost like the romantic, the sex that's happening later, that's the dessert, and you've got to save room for it, right? Speaker 3:        Oh, totally. Yes. Yes. Or the other way is skip dessert, go home, get it on, and then pull a nice cake out of the fridge. I mean, that works too, Speaker 2:        Right? Have your ice cream sundae afterwards. Yeah. Yeah. Forever in the movies, it was always smoke a cigarette after sex, and we're pretty sure that's bad for us now. Yeah, so ice cream sundae, that could be the next great trend. Walk me through the science a little bit of aphrodisiac foods and how they actually work, because this part is, I think the part I understand the least, but I find really fascinating. Speaker 3:        So when you look at most foods that are historically considered aphrodisiac, you can find some nutritional tie to sexual health. I mean, that's really where most of it comes from. There are a few foods that are a little more mysterious. We don't really understand chocolate. It is an incredibly complex food, and we just don't know exactly how it's affecting the body. I mean, we have some ideas, but we know that it helps with, it could potentially promote dopamine production and some of these things we might've heard, it's a feel good food. The truth of the matter is you probably, in order to achieve those kinds of feelings, you'd probably have to eat more chocolate than is humanly possible in one sitting. So we just don't quite understand that. We know that the bromine in chocolate has an effect that is similar to caffeine, but we haven't drilled down exactly how. Speaker 3:        We know pretty well how caffeine affects you and amounts not figured out so well for chocolate, and especially because every chocolate maker has a little bit different of a percentage of cacao, which is the base of chocolate. So that makes it hard. But what we do know is that dark chocolate is superior to milk chocolate when it comes to seduction, and that's because it's the cacao. It's that main ingredient in chocolate that has the aphrodisiac effect. And so when you're having milk chocolate, it's got a whole lot more sugar and milk to make it delicious and sweet and light and creamy, but dark chocolate where it has that sort of rich, exotic taste, that's what you want. Speaker 2:        I am stuck thinking about chocolate now. Forgive me. Speaker 3:        It's a good thing to be stuck thinking about, really. Speaker 2:        So then there's nutrient content has been linked to sexual health, which is interesting because a lot of aucc foods is folkloric. So it's really interesting to see that connection. I mean, this happens over and over. The smarter we get, the more we realize People 2000 years ago understood things that were just now needing science to prove, but I find that so cool to know that way back when some of these foods that were on the sexy eat list are now, we can actually peer inside them and know how they affect our bodies. Speaker 3:        Totally, completely. There are a lot of foods that just directly help support sexual hormone production, plain and simple. That's why men should eat almonds. So there's a lot of that. And then there are some foods that were studied even further to kind of go more in depth. Pomegranate juice is a really great example. You may remember there were ads a few years ago about drink pomegranate juice because you'll have a better sex life, basically. And there's been a tremendous amount of study on specifically pomegranate juice and how it affects men's sexual health and men's testosterone. It's really all quite interesting. But the most interesting thing to me is that all of the research was paid for by one of two or three pomegranate juice companies. Speaker 2:        Yes. That is important for us to note. Well, now that makes me curious because the food that I've been hearing a lot about for men's sexual health and virility is beets and beet juice. What do you think of that? Speaker 3:        So it's funny when you have that one food, you just cannot, you just can't. I just can't, can't do beets. So yes, there is definitely evidence that beets are nutritionally superior to a lot of foods when it comes to sexual health for both men and women. I know there's a little more, there tends to be more research for men sometimes. It isn't necessarily that the food is better for men. It just tends to be that the research was paid for to research, to look for men, and women are definitely a little underrepresented in this arena. I think there's some of that going on with beets. But yeah, I haven't gone deep with beets. It's just not my food Speaker 2:        As a gardener. I love that. I haven't gone deep with beets. Yeah, yeah. It's better when they grow far under the ground. Yeah. So boy, I think that's very interesting that the research on women's sexual health is not a surprise that we don't have as much, but interesting that more of it exists on the male side. Speaker 3:        Although you would think from the perspective of the reason that what I do isn't talked about all that much is because the drug companies would prefer to sell sexual enhancement and sexual performance drugs, and those are all for men. So you would think that the research would be for women when there's an open market there, there's no drug company trying to compete. So I think we're just ignored. Speaker 2:        Yeah. Well, and I find all of that really interesting because we know when women move into, we talk about it as over 40 or perimenopause or menopause, that's when many women began to see changes in their sex drive and their sexual health and vaginal dryness and all that good stuff. Has your research gone into this area as well? Because I know that there's a lot of women who maybe have just, they just think I'm in a different phase of life having children. Maybe I've been married for a long time, maybe I am divorced and I'm not interested. Even in dating, I don't quote miss sex. What does the research say about having a low sex drive? Should we be concerned about that? Speaker 3:        I've never seen it presented as a symptom of greater problems. So no, I don't think it's something to worry about, but I also don't think it's something you should just accept. I mean, if you're in a phase, phases are fine. We all go through different seasons, but it shouldn't be like, this is the rest of my life because it doesn't work anymore. Because you can always make it. You can make it work till the day you die, really? So that should be no reason not to, if that's what you want. Speaker 2:        Let's back up for a second. So until the day we die, well, okay, maybe not that day, but I feel like what you're saying is until our lives are very different, sex can be a part of it, but that's amazing that a part of our lives that we associate with being young and can stay with us if we're healthy. Speaker 3:        So in my job, people like to overshare, and I can tell you, I even know one very vibrant 94-year-old woman who is still very much enjoying that side of her life. Speaker 2:        That sounds great. I'm so happy for her, and I hope that she's representative of other women who Speaker 3:        Absolutely, well, I think she's for sure representative of the potential, if not the actuality. Speaker 2:        Very, very true. And that is really interesting because we're living in a time where a lot of what we talk about is how to optimize our lifestyles, how to improve our performance. And so it's a very exciting time because we have this wealth of knowledge. So if you were talking directly to women approaching 40 or older than 40, what are the food recommendations or habits or practices that you would say Start here. Speaker 3:        I haven't researched this deeply yet. I am currently working on a new book, a new product called The Better Sex Bundle for Women, which is coming out in April. And that will be, yeah, that's going to be a whole chapter because I know that I know what happens. I've seen it plenty of times. I've heard plenty. For example, I know there are plenty of things that we can do, such as good old dark chocolate can actually help balance the pH of a woman's vagina. So eating dark chocolate can actually help with a woman's vaginal health. Hydration is also critically important for both men and women, but especially women in that age range. Some actually, I've noticed with women working professionalism and mothers and any woman who's kind of got a lot of things going on tends to forget that they tend to be juggling all the balls and forget about themselves. And one of the biggest things they forget about is staying hydrated and drinking plenty of water and know the eight glass a day rule isn't necessarily a hard and fast rules. Some people find they actually need more and some people need less. But certainly staying hydrated is super duper important to your sexual health. Speaker 2:        So what I'm hearing is we need to drink more water, which is a struggle for a lot of people, including me. And we get to eat chocolate. Speaker 3:        Oh, totally. Absolutely. All the time. I went through a phase. I had to stop because the dark chocolate bar melted, but I went through a phase for about a year. I always had a dark chocolate bar in my purse, and anytime I got into an unpleasant situation, like a long line at the post office, I'd pull out the dark chocolate bar, snap off a square, and just hearing the snap would kind of change my mood already and I'd eat my piece of chocolate and I would just be okay with whatever it was. And then one day the chocolate bar melted, so maybe carry a cooler, I don't know. But it was a terrific aid to getting through my day and it was helping my sexual health. Speaker 2:        Yeah, it sounds like dark chocolate is the win-win or men and men. Speaker 3:        Oh yeah, for sure it is. So I have a list of foods that are, I have a website called Eat something sexy.com, and on there we have a list of the 10 best foods for men and the 10 best foods for women. And dark Chocolate actually makes the list for women just because there are some extra things that help us, and women tend to be the ones, quite frankly, who might need that little boost of mood. We kind of take on the world. But it is absolutely great for everyone. So stock up on dark chocolate bars for your next date night. Speaker 2:        Okay, wonderful. So I'm already thinking about, I like de Goba chocolate. I think we invest in some of that. So in terms of women's sexual health, we do have our unique changes. I like how you broke down, moms have their own sort of thing going on, especially if you have young children. And then we also have, when your career is your focus, I mean, there's so much related to stress and burnout, and I know I've heard some women and men complain that sex feels like one more thing to do. Speaker 3:        Yeah, it's on the to-do list, and that's a terrible, terrible shame Speaker 2:        Because it provides so much value and relief and enjoyment and closeness and connection with someone that you love or someone that you love that night. So we think about some of these other foods. So we talked about chocolate. Someone is experiencing stress or anxiety. What are some of the other foods that you would recommend they make part of their regular life? Speaker 3:        So my big thing, I always just tell everyone, eat your five fruits and vegetables every day. They kind of help everything. And that's partially because they help hydrate. A lot of fruits are very hydrating, watermelon, grapefruit. And then on top of that, they are a great source of fiber and nothing works when our gut isn't working. So we need these quality fiber foods, and they're something that we often don't get. So that's my first suggestion to everyone. Eat your five fruits and vegetables a day, and if you're not sure you can get them all in, then make it your goal. I'm going to eat my five fruits and vegetables before I eat anything else. It really works. Speaker 2:        I'm thinking of the scene. Have you seen the movie? This is 40. Speaker 3:        No. Speaker 2:        Okay. Highly recommend. There's a hilarious scene with the husband and wife and they've got two young kids and they're getting ready for bed. And the husband goes, so do you want to have sex tonight? She goes, not really. I'm really constipated. And he goes, oh, she says, I mean, unless you want to. And so, yeah, constipation, not feeling like you've really relieved yourself. Speaker 3:        Not even, and not even, it's even just the grumbly gut. The grumbly gut or just general bloating, all of it. It's not, Speaker 2:        None of that is aphrodisiac. Speaker 3:        So everything you need, everything needs to stay lubricated. Obviously men are reliant on it. You can't make semen without being properly hydrated. So seminal fluid needs a woman's vaginal hydration is very important. We're all kind of screwed. If we're dehydrated, Speaker 2:        We're not. We're unscrewed it sounds like. Speaker 3:        Well, yes, completely, a hundred percent not going to happen. Speaker 2:        So I feel like one of the things that I'm learning is that there's easy stuff that we can do. It's not a big diet change. In fact, it sounds like there's more additions than sub attractions, but I do know there's probably also a few things besides stake that might be affecting our sexual health and ongoing way. What are some of the other things that you say? Watch these? Speaker 3:        Yeah, I mean, it's the obvious stuff like fried food is not going to improve your sex life at all. So it's things like that. It's eating a lot of simple carbs. It's eating a lot of fried things. These things are not great for your sexual health. Obviously they're not great for your overall health. So sticking to a variety of foods, a nice, healthy, varied diet, just eating colorful foods, that's another great way we eat your five fruits and vegetables a day and eat a plate of colorful food. These are things that just are going to help. Speaker 2:        I love eating the rainbow, and I wrote a little bit about this and a recent article because I think eating the rainbow, obviously we can see the nutrients in the food. You have these bright colors telling you this food is good for you. But I think the feast for the eyes and the way the color impacts your mood even before it gets into your body, is so great. I love that this is a crossover habit that's really in there. Speaker 3:        Yeah, I have to say, I look at a beige plate and I feel a little sad. It just doesn't, it's not inspiring. Speaker 2:        Yes. Last night I added a little yellow pepper to my salad because it was looking, believe it or not, too green, Speaker 3:        Too green. I get it. Speaker 2:        I needed something else in there. So if someone were to say, okay, design me the perfect romantic meal, do you have something in mind what you would say, eat this. Speaker 3:        I do have something in mind, but my advice might surprise you. My advice is to think about what you and your partner would both enjoy. I cannot give you one single meal because just in my own household, what would work, what be best for me is absolutely not what my husband wants to be eating for that romantic meal. So think about foods that you both and then go from there. Actually, I'm going to send you to eat something sexy.com because we have all kinds of free resources. We have tons of recipes, so you'll find something that you can both enjoy. We even have some menus there of romantic evening menus. Speaker 2:        Plan your Perfect Meal. Thanks for that reminder. I know what you're talking about. Not as much. I haven't thought about it as much in terms of sexual health, but this weekend I made my husband sort of my favorite breakfast. I know what he likes for breakfast, and sometimes it's the same as me, but I've been really into toast with edamame smash and overly eggs and pickled onions and sprouts, and it just makes me feel, it's very colorful. I feel so happy. And I could tell for him, it was more like, oh, what have you made me? It wasn't what I was going for. I was going more for like, wow. So I can only imagine if someone has really put their heart in to beautiful aphrodisiac inspired menu, and then their partner is like, oh, I don't like beets. Yeah, I am allergic to chocolate. So understanding what those things are. There's nothing like hurt feelings in what you're going forward and trying to turn you on Speaker 3:        And all the disappointment. Yeah, no, it just doesn't work. So you've got to figure out what's going to work for the two of you, I could name off some ingredients that would be great choices that maybe they'll inspire. Like chili peppers are actually amazing for a romantic evening. They raise your body temperature and they make your lips plump up and your tongue tangles. It's very exciting. But if you hate spice, don't do it. Coffee, I mentioned earlier, coffee is great if you're trying to move from dinner to the bedroom for a little late night. And so it gives you that little spark of energy when you need it. Right. So that's a great one. You and I were talking, was it the other day we talked about pineapple pineapple's, another wonderful one. It makes my list of the 10 best foods for men's sexual health, actually. So these are all fun, great things like a light protein fish. Seafood is wonderful. Fish oysters, the classic, the aphrodisiac classic perfect Speaker 2:        Oysters cause me to think of this. Are there any foods that have been touted as aphrodisiac but really aren't? Speaker 3:        The ones that I have found that really aren't, are the weird, freaky things that are either endangered or dangerous to eat. They really have no, there's absolutely nothing to substantiate them. And I can never figure out, I can't draw the line to where this could have started and why people continue to prize rhino horn and Spanish fly. These are not things anyone ever should consume and they're going to do nothing for you. Speaker 2:        That those I feel like I've read about maybe in novels. It is interesting that about the origins of when these come to be, it sounds like some kind of old wives tale that got out of hand, Speaker 3:        Right? Right. I mean, a rhino horn is just keratin, right? It, it's like the same stuff as our fingernails. What if you're not going to eat your fingernails? So there's some peculiar ones out there that are just myths. Stay away from them. But anything that has nutritious, has nutritional value, go for it. Speaker 2:        I love how just the nutrition lines up with the sexual health also. So you shared with us where we can find more menus, and I know that your better sex bundle for men is out now. Where can people find that? Speaker 3:        So you can go straight to eat something sexy.com. You will find the better sex bundle for men there as well. And those lists I talked about, the 10 Best Foods for Men and the 10 Best Foods for Women, definitely check those out. And if you want to get news on when the better sex bundle for women is coming out, be sure to sign up for my mailing list. I actually reply when people write to me from the mailing list. It's actually my favorite part of my job. So yeah, I'll throw away the tasks that I really should be doing, and I'll just sit there writing back and forth with people. Speaker 2:        I love it. Well, I loved our conversation. Thank you so much for taking the time. I know this is the busy season and we get to relax into post Valentine's soon. And yeah, I just really appreciate you. Thank you. Speaker 3:        Oh, thank you so much. Happy romantic night. Be it Valentine's Day or whenever you do it. Speaker 1:        I hope you enjoy this production of The Naked News. Everything created here is for educational and entertainment purposes and should not take the place of talking with a medical or mental health professional. These are tips, but not replacements for individualized support, which you totally deserve. If your sex drive experience or performance is not everything you want it to be, see your doctor or talk to a therapist. Maybe even loop your partner in because as they say, sex is life. Oh, and remember to visit us@nakedlibrarian.com to sign up for recess, my Curated wellness newsletter that includes research, health tips, expert guides, recipes, music workouts, fun and more, cheers to delivering your very best life. Speaker 4:        I.

WAWSOME: Why we need daily awe and wonder

In this episode, Victoria discusses the concept of awe and its effects on our well-being with writer Rumi Tsuchihashi. Together, they explore the way awe provides an essential human experience of being in the presence of something vast that transcends our understanding of the world. Rumi shares a simple practice for cultivating awe, by noticing and photographing something awe-inspiring for seven days, as a way to cultivate awe in everyday life. She shares some of her writing, which  emphasizes the importance of being open to new experiences and finding beauty in the small moments. Rumi also brings insights from the way her grandparents experienced daily awe and wonder, as well as the benefits of vocalizing and sharing these experiences with others. The two encourage listeners to seek out awe in their own lives and to embrace the beauty and wonder that surrounds them. Thank you to Rumi Tsuchihashi at rumitsuchihashi.com.  [https://www.rumitsuchihashi.com/] Visit her website or find the beautiful writing you here in this episode on Amazon.com.  And thank you to Aldar Kedem [https://artlist.io/royalty-free-music/song/ocean-in-motion/53049] for the tunes...Ocean in Motion. You can find The Naked Librarian's Guide to Your First Colonoscopy here [https://amzn.to/3VUQG3F]. Thank you to our sponsor Mission Flow [https://getmissionflow.com/] — marketing and automation for businesses on a mission.  Read the transcript below: Speaker 1 (00:00:00 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/Br3c9uwv_Q-LgR0_x_ruRnLRlR6SqyJUjcMyVjlNUkHjVh_p7z8aN4VU9eAAeDYT1srPySNEBgB0waafOJyn5LBx2lo?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=0.45]): Have you ever wondered why you feel compelled to say words like Wow or awesome? Turns out these everyday words help us describe big, emotional and sensory experiences known as wonder and awe. Now, science is just now starting to really understand the effects of awe on our wellbeing, and there's a lot to learn. If you want more peace and calm, even happiness in your life, this conversation is meant for you. (00:00:36 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/-OtNHiQZ4on_oK6MmpALFHG_WsTiV5s72C1qL-lH_dhYb2-XqPKPWszsl0X-309YkSWI8nHcQMVkc_NkC6C5FEOZano?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=36.06]): There's so many things you can do for your health and wellbeing, yoga, walking, meditation, stretching, running, gardening, strength training, buying organic, a beach vacation. But what if I told you there's a simple practice that helps you feel more present and alive, more connected to the world, and all living things decreases. Stress increases happiness and fills you with the kind of love that brings you to happy tears. And you can do it anytime and any place, whether you're alone or with someone else, it's 100% free. And maybe the very best part requires no conscious effort. In fact, all you have to do is show up. What is this amazing, miraculous, wonderful thing I'm talking about? Sometimes we call it awe, and sometimes we call it wonder. The two experiences seem to exist on a continuum and understanding awe and its effects on our wellbeing is something science is just now starting to understand. (00:01:32 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/XnmkyE_sjgTXA4fnoneaBKQNbwhAgzrO9CkpbC7quurwHRZpivMWeoRYd8vZQO9MCP3MXqHGCb4SNpPgJ79iMH8KDCI?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=92.4]): In Brene Brown's fabulous Atlas of the Heart and encyclopedia of emotions and experiences she uses researchers, oic, Weiner, and Johannes Wagman's helpful explanation of the difference between awe and wonder. Wonder inspires the wish to understand and awe inspires the wish to let shine, to acknowledge, and to unite. Hi, I'm Victoria Payne, a health and happiness nerd, and the creator and your host of the Naked Librarian. If you're new here, welcome. I am so glad you're here. You've picked a fantastic episode for your first naked librarian experience. In this episode, I'm going to bring in another definition of awe according to Docker Kelner, a psychologist and awe researcher, you're going to hear it again later in the episode, and that's intentional. This is one of those definitions that's worth writing down. Kelner says, awe is the feeling of being in the presence of something vast that transcends your understanding of the world. (00:02:31 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/NhBKsR1irs5BZJsAnS3eT6gvxfEFsIy0m3734h3sgV78Oepa5D0qB12XvjoT6hLg0kXDpFcApU9NyEE9BK8mX2uCsU4?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=151.05]): And one of the coolest things about awe is according to keltner, awe can also come in the form of perceived vastness. Let that sink in. This is something we're going to be talking about and exploring in this episode. Now, here's some facts to know about awe. It calms your nervous system by activating your vagus nerve. It does to your brain something very similar to prayer, meditation, and pilgrimage. It deactivates, what's your default network, which is the place we do a lot of our overthinking, negative thoughts and old stories. It helps us understand our place and our connection to the world. Time in nature, movement, meditation even. And this is going to be a whole other episode, psychedelics in courage. Awe, some people are more wired to experience awe, which psychologists believe is a trait because they're more curious and comfortable with the unknown and with what language cannot describe. (00:03:28 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/HS0u_kFQQhnw8lRUOnoF-8Y50H6NWZCO6qGR1q5kKWqS_HFbibTQiA9jCuY0ZuHaSJsCPsYrGYlEUozS2clqrD0QZSY?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=208.12]): But, and this is fabulous news, you can cultivate more on your life by being open to new experiences. And as you'll see in this episode, I believe that writing about our lives helps us experience more wonder and awe because we get to do a double take. We get to conjure up a forgotten moment and ask it to show us why we've remembered it after all these years. In other words, we get to look at our own lives with awe. That's why to better understand awe and how we can cultivate more of it in our lives. I've invited the beautiful writer, Rumi Su chichi, onto the podcast. Rumi's Work showcases the wonder and awe and the ordinary. And her books of tiny essays revealed the magic inside of the little memories and experiences, sometimes known only to us. Rumi is the author of, I Want to Remember This, recognizing Tiny Moments that Make Up a Life. (00:04:21 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/pNziKel6sI5VQ5861FR6tw8adEYPIwV1xyTeg2Mps4AMbx5jCkPbhCcrmFdtZJy1dl1RArmIPqHZvz7HDZe0o2q_it0?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=261.76]): And I want this for you, mothering What Matters most. She's also the author of Where our Palms Touch and essay that was featured in the modern lump column of the New York Times. I know no better way to talk about awe than to talk to a writer who by birth or by practice captures life in the style of a written photograph. So come with me on this delightful journey and discover why Rumi and I think wa the combination of awe and wonder, just maybe the word of 2024, learn how awe invites us to make experiences. Our teachers in contrast to books or thoughts, hear the story of my own awe experience, which included more than jaw drops and flowing tears. But one more surprising and slightly embarrassing sensation. Learn rumi's, simple practice for exiting gloom and experiencing more awe in just seven days. Think of it as mental weight loss. If you want more peace, calm, joy, wonder, nature, goodness, connection, smiles, energy, reverence and magic in your life. Come a little closer, I've got just the conversation for you. (00:05:39 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/KdsSJk2LjnZSvVesAsA6uRLjFEmKB6Yy9Kz-JJiRtgf2-67ozPUqRS76HrGKhx0-r3T_y2bQ9_6jlmgDOvOYPonCMPE?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=339.58]): I am so excited for our conversation today. I've been thinking about this topic for weeks and because I am also really nerdy, I spent the last week specifically reading more about the science of awe and wonder, and I feel like, I don't know, maybe it's age and stage of life, but right now, this is something that I have have my awe glasses on and I'm paying more attention to it. So welcome to the conversation today. I feel like your work specifically peaks at the bits of awe and wonder and our everyday lives. And I'm really curious, is that something that's always been a part of how you've seen the world or did you surprise yourself in terms of what you ended up writing about? Speaker 2 (00:06:54 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/Kp72vTVLYZkYQ-gOgTx4iRC1XSWfnM0ahTph_biyF4WXcD0fnsPdd4SjH_U-LBmzgqt9i-WJMd7jmy-43B49xLjZdxE?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=414.23]): That's a good question. So the short answer is yes, but I didn't know it. I didn't know. I was looking at the world through the lens of awe and wonder seeking until I read Mary Oliver quote from her poem. Sometimes that goes, instructions for living a life, pay attention, be astonished, tell about it. As soon as I read that my life made sense that, oh, this is what I've been trying to do, didn't all the struggle of what am I supposed to be doing with my life and what is my purpose? And not that I've answered those questions all the way yet, but see reading that like, oh, this is what I've been doing. I've been paying attention, I've been astonished, and I've been trying to tell about it in a world that maybe loves the word wow, but also trivializes it after a while, there's a, okay, now let's get back to work. Speaker 1 (00:08:13 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/3Hvy9CFIe_ZnHZuc3J1_4krB6x-hkE6FKdzC6j7YEiCC5N_flxatjDf8pup90w4EvKR9dff_liLscOTBykg1o8rNL3o?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=493.28]): I can relate to that. I feel like I'm definitely guilty. I think earlier you said something accidentally, but I think we might need to make it something. I think you said wa Speaker 2 (00:08:24 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/iOn2lYUXuh_Pb2QG4fDUai2q9Ugs31jortkNCoHs8Ri7S4Yz9HDoBlawJAd_hX8f9hQ1aWK7u0XlJgB0Z6s_y-dMCJI?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=504.74]): Wa I know. Speaker 1 (00:08:27 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/Z16OBtL_OMdVtUzfwuXEEBnL5XdOFc4ryQd3kqaEGL4gvwgv4Ug2O5kS3bNX1RUyZY4pJvOeU0IBEeACK_Rzv3rPADc?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=507.35]): And I thought, oh my gosh, that's amazing. Rumi, we could start a campaign. There could be T-shirts. More wa, Speaker 2 (00:08:41 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/vsfFb5ytrJQLCzq2jXKx_QPw3BRHZoAC8s8lJMgWjq_8nF3VEg3Nce0II7ap91MjDWSjxauFB_NjY1L0KdbvFLv1oME?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=521.51]): More wa. I have never said that, and I think maybe that's what I've been trying to say all my life. Mor, Speaker 1 (00:08:51 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/wj1C_uf14865gUQwiHgXZhZguSjel_0HuDGRzPTBRkh7GySn1hvNi39SugcpQDRISASetPv585JgDjz6BwS7_Sors2U?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=531.65]): I'm with you, Mor bring the, I can just imagine all kinds of great slogans that could be created. I think it's really cool how you connected hearing this has happened to me before too. You hear someone's words, in this case, wonderful Mary Oliver, and you realize, oh, that's it. And it helped you make sense of your life. And I think that's something that's really cool about awe in general is that sometimes instead of helping you make sense of your life, it just blows the doors off and makes you go, okay, not everything's going to make sense. So my job is to marvel and to see it. And I think something that I've been coming back to more is the feeling of I don't want to miss it. I don't want to miss my life because I am going, wow, okay, back to work. And I think that's one of the beautiful things about writing, and it's really great to talk to a writer about this because I feel like this is one of the luxuries that we get as writers is we see something and then we get to recreate it if we really photograph it in language. (00:10:35 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/igLKWF74w6KFTYoct4IfvnMWnpIxGmv1ys2soXh3sf2P4kBqcZmjLBJUiFMkKENR41mBjg2RpwHUqeJVm9PeplBdifg?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=635.52]): And I think of your work that way, and you have these written photographs, sometimes these images that we get to see. And I wanted, before we get too far along, I found a definition of awe from Docker Kelner, and he is a psychologist at University of California Berkeley. You and I were talking about him before we started, and he's done so much research on awe. He has a book, awe, the New Science of Everyday Wonder and how it Can Transform Your Life. And I was just really drawn to the definition that he gives. He defines awe as the feeling of being in the presence of something vast that transcends your understanding of the world. And then he says, there's also this other thing which is perceived vastness. So there's the Grand Canyon, and then there's the thing your 2-year-old says, which is something you beautifully document mothering, and I want this for you. And I think that maybe it's one of the things that I've drawn to as a writer. When I was a little girl, my first experience was writing was poetry. I didn't really know I was writing poetry, I was just writing down things that I saw and experienced. But I think when you use your poet mind, I think everyone has one. It's the perceived vastness a lot of times that we're trying to get down in words, and it doesn't have to be a waterfall or something giant. It can be these little moments. Speaker 2 (00:12:37 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/S8ahDG5y5La7eX33Y6ROl8yfSt7HJpowIomIaNnb05nw9qYipWASCFGD2pWucbX3YZeU6MiNHB-avYadKOvZ8LsdGiU?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=757.24]): Yes. Yeah, I didn't know I was writing poetry either. I didn't save very much of it, but the first time I saw my writing in print was for an elementary school newsletter and a poem that I'd written showed up on the front page. Maybe I knew it was going to come or it wasn't, but it was a Christmas poem and I grew up in a family where we celebrated Christmas ish, meaning it wasn't part of our family tradition or my parents moved to the states from Japan where there wasn't a family Christmas tradition. So we did the decorating, we kind of adopted it, but it was not really integrated into my culture, and I was so curious about what Christmas was and what it meant. And I yearned to feel the way Christmas looked on the outside when I looked at other families that I think I developed this eagle eye vision of taking in all the bits and how people interact and where they talk about it. (00:14:00 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/FNh6zbMmoIGwhqbcZIfrzmcJ6ET-Hx2-V9o4ibb3u0SbFq7M4MtwOO1ItIyalIB1DGCmYWBH6Sfu6nW2ONyJ-pMxGQQ?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=840.49]): And then that translated into a poem that probably because I was so deeply attached to capturing the essence of it, and I was in awe of the way Christmas seemed to make people feel, and that turned into a poem. But I think it's that kind of yearning, looking at the definition of awe, of the vastness, the desire to be connected to something larger. I think I wrote that poem when I was about eight, and I think developmentally that's about the time when you are starting to move into a more organized grownup. There's expectations of you world and away from the sheer immersed and wonder early childhood. So that's an interesting demarcation. Speaker 1 (00:15:04 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/L3fAjGb4_lV0JwaAtYsKioVH76QHzT-UXSmqGQzodz7nbX_uavgGXGsaUTIjGRbzPboLeAEIfhnsVDpxYx-R60ZXpY4?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=904.37]): Yeah, I'm thinking a little bit about what I was like at eight or nine. That's probably also my entry into poetry. I think it's so beautiful the way you described wanting to feel connected to Christmas in a way that you could look around and see through the way the glitters and the lights and the candles, and you could tell there was something emotional to it that you wanted too. Hey, it's Victoria here and I've got a message for all the business owners out there. Does your business or organization have an important mission? Then you need to know about mission flow? Mission flow is an all-in-one sales and marketing platform for purpose-driven businesses. The mission flow platform is specifically designed to empower thought leaders, social entrepreneurs, local and family owned businesses and nonprofits to do more good with comprehensive marketing tools from web building to scheduling to email and SMS automation and the best part, mission flow. Clients get more than tools. They get access to an award-winning marketing strategist, professional copywriter, and amazing customer support team. If you're looking for a better way to market your mission and grow your business, visit get mission flow.com. (00:16:29 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/IjB1yAxRTh4pgNGbZpZxKLvakySzb_dUtuQWmak3GC5FmRTvbEJe3YnPjgY9ikzEUpPz40hKXDyML_YLe9bILcA-Y8I?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=989.96]): I think this almost two sides of the coin related to Oz really interesting because the perceived vastness makes it really accessible. You don't have to take a road trip to see all the wonders of the world or a flight, I suppose the wonders of the US by car, but I recently did see one of the great wonders of the world. I had never really put this on a bucket list. It was just really a coincidence that my husband had a consulting trip to Niagara Falls, New York, and it was in the winter. Wasn't necessarily really a great time to travel there, but of course I thought, well, this is, when else am I going to see this? I'm probably not going to plan a trip just to see Niagara Falls. My main experience with Niagara Falls was cartoons. I don't know if you remember the cartoons where someone would be in a wine barrel and they'd go over the side or maybe some old movie where somebody did that. (00:17:41 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/iO4oRufDGYG-UwBXnQYi_165_cGErwm9VKZx-QL8MKpo4l5HgFhBYceWaNu1_MePJo70VoA2s71dVCCPS1dKBGXSohY?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=1061.51]): And so I didn't have a lot of expectation, but the strangest thing happened when I saw the falls, I started to cry. I was really overwhelmed by it. It was so, so beautiful. I don't even think as much as I love words, I could get it into words. I cried and then this is so strange and my husband's going to die that I am admitting this. I got really turned on from my head to my toe, felt like I could just, we could have gone. We could have left the fall as beautiful as they were. I'm like, where can we go and take care of this because, so I had all of these multiple sensations happening where I'm seeing with my eyes this beautiful thing. Tears are coming, I'm crying. I can't really talk. I'm sort of speechless, and then I am really horny. (00:18:55 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/qaYzIRU2YVZ4ujPo3xsmiOseVaWSv52gttUgpkQxYIEXg_6ieU_Ckcedch_o7HBmzxvlwgYKcVlcdfqGPbnHPjgxa8w?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=1135.49]): It was just this multi-sensory thing that happened. I don't really get it, but I'm just here to testify that sometimes your awe experience can be really big. And by the way, if anyone has not seen Niagara Falls, you really should. Before I would've said, maybe I'll see that in my lifetime, maybe I won't. Now that I have seen it, I feel like everyone should plan a trip and go because it's really, it's hard for your mind to even get it because the waterfall appears to be at street level. And so here's a street and then there's this multiple falls too. I didn't expect that, that there's, it's not just one Niagara Falls. There's multiple falls. So I don't know what you're going to do with that story, Rumi, but I turn it over to you. Oh Speaker 2 (00:19:57 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/AsyBjN3H9U6cLc2O2ooDozBLV_xU4gpsbqR5RIpSN7nVwdusG_0nLpso8Dw2K8JpkbAUGnWlz61N9HQ9nKD309IR1CM?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=1197.84]): My gosh, I don't think that's being turned on as weird at all. I forget in what language the word orgasm is little death. I'd be Italian. That sounds about right, but I did not research that ahead of time, so we'll have to fact check it. But I do know that Orgasm and Little Death Speaker 1 (00:20:25 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/SB1XCiznku63KRpqDhh8oooLKqfJ7L3o_tdItEX9O5UgKosi-angzJdhC7abfILkHNVId8uT-ogGqRVJ4dHDJwwb4g4?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=1225.27]): Quick edition here, so I looked it up and it's actually French and it's called Petite More, and it refers to a brief loss of weakening of consciousness and refers to the post orgasmic experience where one has a quote, little death. If you think of experiences as teachers, it makes sense that an orgasm would appear on the awe menu. Speaker 2 (00:20:46 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/pZYw3Ay2jlXLEHOl2LB9F57LhtBpu1GyecLw0x9Weebym7wRv0OUwRYSgM2pfJmyNYho9FrW4d0eH7akgpWaXaURk4c?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=1246.41]): When I think about that, it's surrendering the limitations of our body or sense of self that I begin here and end here to something so much bigger and that it's a kind of death. It asks us to give something over to be held in a bigger experience. I was talking to a friend about the experience of, well, we're going to take it from Niagara Falls to a piece of chocolate, but an incredibly delicious truffle, something rich and delicious. And she was telling me that even while she is enjoying the chocolate, she was resisting savoring it. And I said, well, yeah, to savor is to acknowledge that this too will end. You have to give yourself over to this experience that the boundaries of Eunice, you're dissolving into this experience and also consenting to knowing that it's a finite experience. Speaker 1 (00:22:08 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/sxovMO-38oyqPVKHee8-vuyHZ7rVDqT_FmqCQV6_mQJ8K789HJF2LQtSeTWmgxg5wab62TZfs5JXVAMQm-S1h3UoCdw?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=1328.65]): And maybe that's the magic of the awe experience is that we can have this over and over again in life. We can, especially when we begin to really notice. And one of the things that I really love about life is giving language to experiences that maybe you've had and you've never thought to call it awe or to consider it as wonder. And so in thinking about these experiences of wonder, one of the things that you write about in both of your tiny essay collections, which I adore, is your experience as both a child and as a mom. And we get kind of both sides of that. I know that one of your essays was published in the New York Times series, modern Love, and I wanted to give our listeners a little taste of your writing. Could you read that for us? Speaker 2 (00:23:27 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/Xf9XdzhTT4ilfqM-uiyNMBoE17nuwlV9d6_vA_uOrvCv_MMDB-001A2u2iGZ0W5IJK812WSpAi_YUkpz7Az2bIce69Q?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=1407.67]): I'd be happy to. The editor at the New York Times gave the title where our Palms Touch, so here it is, 4-year-old Me doesn't want to stand besides Sat. Sat at this busy intersection in Victoria, British Columbia ever since my parents moved us from Tokyo. This grandpa my favorite OG Cian seems different. So I scooch away bit by bit, but then my right foot falls into the crosswalk. I come perilously close to oncoming traffic. Ian's hand quickly envelops mine. He doesn't yank yell or even gasp, he just holds on safe. Again. I look up Ian returns a soft gaze through his black broom glasses and soon a liquid tingle love. As I now know, it springs from where our palms touch. Speaker 1 (00:24:31 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/zx_e60DSia97KfUXd1khmHun2Eilkkpt5JrVyvmvitjW7oIbMLrbjd-S0w3sOvd0W-FSOpqs46Yv-n1GgbCaYkk0968?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=1471.82]): Oh wow. Oh, I'm doing it. I'm going to go with wa. I hear it in this piece. Something that I really appreciate about your work, which is this almost discarded moment in our life. No one's going to stand up and give a toast about it or it probably won't get included in your book jacket, and yet you give it meaning and life both in the memory and in the telling. What inspired this piece? Speaker 2 (00:25:20 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/_q4EUtLigDWpNFnMsjm3qU5Mv8ORAOdnr7MR9xR0c-HSBQ6hfe42EgSFjoMmFD1CMRynxqOUn_kc4pSsrrZzM9kcWwo?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=1520.87]): That's such a good question. The first time I wrote about it, I think it was in response to an early memory or your earliest memory. And this is one that sprang from one I clearly recall. Even though it was so small and it wasn't eventful, no one else will recall this even if my grandpa were still alive. I doubt he'd remember this either. So it's something that lives just with me. I and what inspired it may have been years later when I was a mom and raising little kids toddlers and living inside the monotony that is parenting a toddler, the constant wiping of noses, putting on shoes, the feeding, the schedules, the most regimented. And if I couldn't zoom in closer to see what was beautiful about this moment, it all seemed like just a mind numbing waste of at time, what am I doing? I had to create meaning or else I am not sure that I would've survived those years. And it helped me see, it forced me to see that life has not made up of the highs that our society celebrates. The vast majority of our waking hours are all these tiny things. And if I wanted my life to feel meaningful, I had to go in there. So I think that desperate need to survive a difficult time in my adult life combined with combing of my own early memories that inspired this piece, Speaker 1 (00:27:41 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/hos9yw59nuEyzPHZhL8AQRFLbe9KdgoOp_Tt1_iEwZTyZKnAAy4Xj_sk7hHdZTbOsGnc70ml0QxzN90l7e-l6ke31IU?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=1661.61]): That really resonates with me as a mom who's raised little kids and now they're older. My youngest is 15, and I feel like when I'm out and I see families out with little children, I see so much beauty and wonder and delicacy in the interactions. And I know that a lot of times that parent is living out what may be a grueling day, and I see the little shoes and the jackets and I get it now why? Strangers will tell you, don't blink. You'll miss it. It's a lot easier to be the observer than the one who's experiencing it. And yet I feel like what you're saying is you're helping draw attention to, we need to notice that our lives are made up of these little moments and especially when they're hard to find the meaning in what it is that we're doing. And there's so much poetry just in that practice. (00:29:06 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/JdF2i1BDZoubeWoMcXNNtWYqc2WA6OZpMJdIYSr1bnZfZBCPmhg4fARdwCx7YNM67-Lsj6IOrRE3octtzeGsXFGEyQc?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=1746.96]): Hey, it's Victoria here, and we'll get right back to our episode in just a moment. But first I have a question for you. Are you 45 or older? Do you know someone who is a few answered yes to either of these questions? I have the perfect gift for you or your loved ones. It's thoughtful, funny, and original because nothing says you care. And I got your back like the Naked Librarian's guide to your first colonoscopy and activity book for grownups. The American Cancer Society's Guidelines move the colonoscopy age from 50 to 45 years old. So if you haven't scheduled yours, now is the time. This activity book is the companion experience to colonoscopy with 10 fun-filled activities and loads of hilarious trivia to keep you entertained while you count down from limited diet to final purge. There's even a colon maze you can do while you're waiting for the nurse to call you back for your procedure. Ordering your copy is easy. You can get yours on Amazon. Just search the Naked Librarian's guide to your first colonoscopy. Did I mention we're number one in the colorectal category? In the meantime, make your list of friends and family. You want to delight in this rare and exciting gift and as we say over at the Naked Librarian Bottoms up. Speaker 3 (00:30:16 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/XotMBKGQhsjm3ao9KKYREiSUYuZiw5oPVRBiGzaol0Mn1ydrHVBhX1imKTZQgkeCA_IOIAcZEr8qsbLo2pZ9ScZYXdY?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=1816.87]): Yeah, Speaker 2 (00:30:17 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/vo4_QujPNlQDeLhFZoOz1jXZFefjdSiS9f7D_qpIbys95yfq51rUOzcs6NF_XJrO0wL7QK5W9yrD-_aylop616jGsgw?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=1817.38]): For sure. I didn't realize how much my grandparents showed up in my writing until other people started pointing it out and also telling me that some of my grandparents stories were their favorites. And after someone said that to me, I sat back and wondered why is that? And around age nine 10, our family, we'd been living in the states, so my parents and my two siblings, we moved back to Japan and moved in with my grandparents. So shortly after that Christmas poem, I was in Japan and spending time with my grandparents whose lives were coming towards the end was a slow ending. I noticed such a difference in quality between what they seemed to pay attention to, what my parents are paying attention to. They're both adults, but what they're focused on was different. And in hindsight, it was almost like as I was growing into this being a more adult self, my grandparents were finally at a stage where they could reclaim the beauty in the small things. (00:31:42 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/53DIZx5e68OHMq0U8fQo-rGpKFBKu9sj1_EvLmxw5MB7hxM9KJEzO81tUh-uU-V4qXgoxWDilYNhAxllNuSNqGMdrMk?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=1902.22]): And so my memories with them, and also because they don't leave the house very much, was all very focused on the little things. The way my grandmother carefully peeled the closest thing in the states would be a pomelo, so a winter orange and how carefully she'd peel it and also peel the little ribs off of the flesh of the fruit, spend 15, 20 minutes getting it all pristine before she ate it. And I did not understand why she would take so much time, but it was a whole ritual. It was a reverence for the fruit and the joy of biting into it. And the minute that the citrus oil releases in the air was all really big deal to her. And it was interesting to watch as I was leaving the phase where I lived in that world, watching them sort of as their lives got a little smaller, expand into that awareness. So being a writer who's trying to capture these little moments, I think it keeps coming back to that because that was with my grandparents is where I first started. Noticing that kind of everyday awe, like oh, an orange, the way the oils fly in the air and that you can smell that on your fingers, all that stuff that seems little, but if you can't feel that, how else are you going to feel raw in your life? Speaker 1 (00:33:21 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/LzWh8mygXYmMTrXU_cVNkQ1-uZssqYzoM3mAU6pGBzjALRma5fq_tRvNoBnxtZ--QUVFRZeE7FTIJAqkjy4Hdi7hJxo?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=2001.95]): Yeah. Well, and I think, again, you're just really helping me think about how accessible is, and we know that there's so many health benefits. We're a culture who loves health hacks. I do. Well, I think some people don't care about them, but people like me love things like health hacks. But I feel like this is a wellbeing practice. The next time I peel an orange, I'm going to think about this. I am a weird citrus eater where I like all the piss. And when I was a little girl, my grandmother, I asked her if I could eat a grapefruit. I loved citrus fruit. This particular grandmother, I don't think she really knew this about me. And she was very cautious around wastefulness. And she said, well, are you going to eat the whole thing? And I said, yeah, yes, I will. And so she cut it for me and the way that you can eat it with a spoon, and she sliced it up and I ate all the good parts and then I ripped out the inner parts. And so when I was done, there was only the white and the skin. And my grandmother felt so bad because she thought she had shamed me into eating all of the grapefruit because of what she told me. She didn't know that that's what I liked. I liked, and I am still like that when I order a cocktail, I eat the citrus that's inside at the end. My husband has told me it's a little antisocial and adorable. (00:35:20 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/aWat55J1P4h4-nFCQEEShnNYhjdhzWayHWPLTCSJEKa34BC9MILh8kHOF2hCAE1qUJuFFsz9vjfIfIum3WXv_HSgag0?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=2120.67]): But yeah, it's these, and you just reminded me of that story. That's a story that I know that kind of lives in my mind. I think grandparents are a wonderful treasure trove of stories if you were fortunate to have them. I didn't really have grandfathers. I had a very sickly grandfather and then a grandfather that had passed away before I was born. And so I only had the grandmother experience and they both were characters, both in their own ways, but I feel like I always want people to be writers. So I feel like if someone was looking for ways to access meaning in their lives peek at your grandparents because in your experiences with them, because as a child they undoubtedly did things that were different than your parents that made you go, wait, what? What's happening around here? My very sickly grandfather, for example, he had had a trache me before I was born. (00:36:35 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/AiemdkcZ010UsWHQvf7uWAe7ZP5ro-nJxWzP57FPDZnkbq4ZZ1WmYlVL8pEDdB0S0O9vAu1VCCeQ_pcfepa6R_5h8zs?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=2195.64]): So he had a hole in where his throat was and he wore a handkerchief. And when he talked to you, he had to use a little vibration machine that he would put on his throat. And so he talked like a robot. And it made him really scary to me as a kid. I kind of didn't want, we called him Daddy Rab. I didn't really want Daddy Rab to talk to me or need anything from me. And it was kind of fine that he wasn't interested in grandkids, but as a small child, you couldn't not stare or just watch that happen because it was your own world of wonder. I didn't need to go to the fair. My grandfather could really open my eyes to something unique and entertaining. (00:37:32 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/-WvZDKVTGmXjSdQSZfhzUAnsQnLgSmwUBu9HNfc-PU2oQkfkroOWOsaCoSubc2_lvuSPD9GCgIx9nyugZ2DzmWuSpgE?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=2252.1]): So I feel like grandparents are this treasure trove and also some of what we've been talking about the natural world. And I know that you have a lot of experiences that your work has taken you to nature places. I know that you work with the Japanese gardens in Seattle, and when I was reading, I want to remember this, I encountered, I don't like saying I have a favorite of yours, Rumi, because I don't know if you can see, but I have a bunch of little dogeared marks in your book. But I did find one that just left me just with a smile, but also wonder. And that one is called What's Your Secret? And if you have it, I'd love you to read us that one too. Speaker 2 (00:38:28 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/tQbNU1RFA_EnTVpk-xEV3VBuxqnKNZBxTVUAISoyMowSCGJUnciwlELe5h-aft897dV4T6Tekl2C3Ki8wtnW30YJWro?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=2308.59]): I'd be glad to. What's your secret? That morning, the last of the golden ginkgo leaves were falling, leaving the branches bare. The air was still and the pond a crystalline mirror of the blue sky and the frosted pine needles hovering above it. Why is the garden so beautiful this time of year? I said, not really expecting an answer from the person beside me, he a seven foot tall, red-haired, former Buddhist monk and a regular Seattle Japanese garden visitor bent down to answer me. It's because the most exquisite beauty lives in close proximity to death. He said he continued talking after pausing to study my scrunched up forehead. (00:39:20 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/9Qht7G76iRWl7Ffi0hNhriVrYlVFjWawxylsEpvoZWP8Aw3auNdhv0eVEUwILlHUusuJKGACrV-AS-KSru-6w9Lh3qQ?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=2360.86]): And if you can inhabit that same space, people will be drawn to you without knowing why. They'll ask you over and over again, what's your secret? Is there a backstory to this one? So somewhat so yes, the red hair Buddhist monk is a real person. One day he appeared and he came all the time. And then I didn't see him after a while, so he is a bit of an enigma. But yes, he studied. Buddhism was a monk in Japan and for some reason was living temporarily in Seattle. And so he was a very noticeable figure just by appearance. He was so tall and so thin and had such bright red hair. (00:40:17 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/ogDSilZGKoGvEaF2K5KqgfUMU_7z83_-KVR_2XL8KSTKnyl71WJinRTm8SRa3-wLUkQe3jABVmH7MAOM4htILsepvHk?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=2417.89]): So in November in Seattle, the Japanese garden there, I was working there at the time, and November is not a very popular month. Everyone descends on the garden to see the fall color. It's hundreds and hundreds of people a day going through the space, taking pictures, admiring the red and the gold of all the leaves. But then once it's all gone in November, it gets really, really quiet. So I was that one morning the fog was lifting off of the pond and the pond itself is not, it's kind of green most of the time if the water isn't moving, but sometimes when it's still, it is the perfect, perfect mirror, like I said in there. And it was otherworldly. And also it was a strange feeling of this is so beautiful and yet there's nobody here. And it did make me wonder, what is it that makes everyone decide that what's beautiful is to come see the fall color? (00:41:26 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/jP1e0dzV24D5vXH1ovCZ82vX-GENQeZi9ZyPAvT83umc5DEGuR0kDteyx8l2ZMngQF_910nPif-VIy6sQ-7SshJ424A?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=2486.65]): And there's no doubt it is beautiful. But then when the popular season goes away, there's this whole other beauty of sparseness that comes up that's in my opinion, even more sublime. But then there wasn't anybody there to witness it except me and the tall monk. And I did not expect an answer. I was so stunned by how incredibly beautiful it was that I just blurted it out. And also when he said, oh, it's the proximity to death, I actually, I had an office on the other side of the garden at the time, and I was so stunned by his answer that I ran back to my office and wrote the gist of this story down before I forgot it because I didn't think I would remember the details later. But for years I have thought about what is it about the proximity to death that s possible? And so we touched on this earlier, it's that dissolving of self to be held in something larger. It's something we yearn for, but we have to consent to give something of ourselves over. We have to consent to understanding of our bodies in this moment as a finite ephemeral. But something about just saying okay to that makes you feel so alive that maybe you're turned on, if that makes sense. Speaker 1 (00:43:18 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/vmSpuKErZ_UlE2wHSwX6Ngn_TbpKA_V9nYn4myQ80nNdyk8pzb_g6KRcbiODjQAgTw2WoDBa7qwxb7phyEVhmxfFP5o?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=2598.74]): Yeah, right. And maybe it doesn't have to make sense. Maybe it's just a physical reaction and a reminder that yeah, I am alive and there is life in me. If you're drawn to Rumi's work like I am, I just wanted to jump in here real fast and tell you how to find her books first. She may already be in your favorite bookstore, so check there or even ask them to order. You can certainly find her collections on Amazon. And let me say they make a wonderful and original gift. I'll add some links to the show notes. So if you're driving or walking like I do when I listen to podcasts, just keep doing your thing and check the notes later. (00:44:03 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/YLDE40wcIQL8f3tiVdjdRdTFcJ4p6YIbmOf5fmQGyAgm_i6ejEVDwBC-DaDTG_seSE_laped324HzfF_PthvceVmtTc?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=2643.21]): I feel a little envious of your job that you had when you were at the Japanese guard and the proximity that you had to these beautiful settings. And you live in Seattle. I live in Portland. The rest of the world probably should be envious of the beauty that we have in very close proximity to us. I think it's a big reason why people live in the now, don't feel too envious because we also have to go through some of the harder seasons that we are currently in. But I know not everyone lives somewhere, right? Someone might be in a very urban setting and outside their window is concrete, or they might live in a giant skyscraper and all they really have is sky and whatever green or plants they might encounter inside. And I think about that often. When I think about some of the wellness remedies that I use to help me feel better from the inside out, a lot of it does have to do with going outside or in the wintertime I've been focused on trying to grow herbs. (00:45:26 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/LJ4x2hF7gPJ3SHtoWu1wtP7ci_bmtac1XLuAZsenA6WV50s4Nc8jy-pbwJhHdbTVfcYizuvVDMl_vWaL5frETmSkLbU?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=2726.79]): I have 'em in my office window. I'm mediocre at it, but I am trying, I have baby chicks in my bathroom right now. I'm trying everything. You probably shouldn't necessarily do what I do, but I am attracted to those kind of reminders because I think that I'm a lot like the wow culture in many ways where I can get really busy, something can be amazing, and we don't have a lot of time or we don't give ourselves a lot of time to really pause. I love that in your story, you have this conversation and you run back to your office because that feeling of, I'm not sure this'll be there later if I try to go back and really touch this. So I feel like one of the things I'd like to help people think about today is ways in which they can cultivate awe in the ordinary perceived vastness way that we started with. What are some of the practices that you have or that you recommend? Speaker 2 (00:46:40 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/TK-cIGhnod7uam_YoH3Y6qRnv1DMU1xhbXIsFD79It5gNAS-g8tgEhkTcXmq8_cBz-XXgo3JsfDw1km3AYAmeAjlxDA?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=2800.2]): One of my practices is a seven day challenge. It was a self-imposed challenge. And I write about this in my first book. I want to remember this. So the idea is to give yourself a reason to pay attention to maybe something you've overlooked. And so for seven days, I have some friends that I regularly send text messages to, but I tell 'em, okay, I'm starting a seven day sentence. And usually this happens when I feel like I'm stuck in a rut. I can't get out of feeling gloomy, and I make a point of noticing something worth photographing. And it's not Instagram worthy, just something that wanted to be remembered. And then if there's a caption to go with, I'll write a caption and then for seven days I send this to my friend. So it doesn't go on social media necessarily. This is just my own practice of waking up and there'd be days when I'd forget, and I'm running around at 11:58 PM looking for anything. (00:48:09 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/RZPc6kcpzxtZBgChlYykpitfhtmjgAMZWxTRyFU2i7fi-AjrYukMp_yC7GexmOzLFziEm3AoWmyBVuV5H_JtvganCKE?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=2889.28]): And there's one night I did it when the house I lived in at the time, it had the steps up to the house, there was the skeleton of a leaf stuck to it and a heart shape. And I took a picture of it and one of my friends was so moved by seeing that, that he asked me to send him a higher res version of the picture so he could have it on his office wall to remember that if you look in the most unexpected ways, the beauty of life will be there. So this is not even a green leaf outside, it's the ribs of a leaf stuck to the concrete. And so that's what I've done. And sometimes even in an urban sitting, a random bird would be perched on a wire or on the edge of someone's roof. Birds are in urban setting. So that's something I notice when I'm in places where there's not a lot of nature. It can also be the twinkle in somebody's eye that you passed and you wouldn't necessarily photograph that person, but I would remember and I would try to take a picture of the setting late or something like that. So the forcing function of making sure I notice and record and share. So this goes back to the Mary Oliver, pay attention, be astonished, tell about it. When I lose track, I may follow that quite literally for seven days and something moves. Speaker 1 (00:50:05 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/g56zqkogzmpAS5gwRV-_bioVyapxoIDZegoy62LuqV5W9ATV3KD6d4sWzMN40uok4Et2CRUa-Kv7ma6o_N5jORD1-JU?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=3005.44]): Yeah, it's a great little instruction now as I hear it. And I do think that especially when you talked about it as feeling gloomy or you've been going through something and you're just feeling like I can't seem to get my mojo back, or I am sort of done feeling gloomy, but I don't really know how to navigate that. I like how this is very simple and it can happen anywhere. I really, really love the example of the, what did you call it? The, you didn't call it the glitter in someone, the twinkle. The twinkle in someone's eyes. I think that people who smile at you that you don't know, I try to be that person when can, when it feels right is one of the coolest experiences. You can have that feeling of someone's warm smile. They don't really know you. They're just saying, I wish it's nice to see you out in the world. I wish you a wonderful day. It's just that exchange and it's hard not to smile back at them. And it's been a while since I've looked at the research on smiling, but it's very hard to fake a toothy grin. And so we tend to smile at people with our lips closed that we don't know. So if you're ever out and about and somebody just gives you that radiant smile, it's just a shot to the heart. Speaker 2 (00:51:46 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/AffUcLnEnkYJC8drSLxVkVc1EKvCVHcgyIFbuj4XT3pIh2YALBQP6CGsyn00sz6leOsZRNtSYFc8EI-doPBE0oQk3DA?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=3106.85]): It really is. That reminds me of, I was in Tokyo over the holidays, and as I was walking, I overheard two women talking. Well, one woman was doing most of the talking, but she was talking to someone that I think they were neighbors. The other woman was walking the dog and just the exuberant joy she had over the neighbor's dog, look at you. You've gotten so big. How adorable are you? And she was allowed about it and would not stop. And part of me was like, oh, I wonder if this one, it feels like being stopped for this long for her dog to be admired, but risk being that ebullient about something ordinary, your neighbor's walking a dog you haven't seen in a while, being goofy about your puppy is so cute. Speaker 1 (00:52:57 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/QZKVva91TN1KVS8BwbfGZuAjkohmRXUw96Qkt9xQ84_usglTqNrTmQojhmbiRGY4OZUpVLNS2IyQQU0IVpMfukqMyrc?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=3177.76]): Yeah, it's worth putting our hearts out there. Sometimes it tends to go, well, every now and then somebody won't know what to do with it. But that's okay because it was really more about acting on your feelings. And I feel like it actually, Rumi, this reminds me of when I, do you remember when I proposed to you at the writing? Speaker 2 (00:53:27 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/uCkC0UqO6WmKWgpXLO9nP0TnxPDDDjwz3N-QvXL5c4CAeARUwXXlCn5pa_L1o4ZCkVYY1wAVpXAra72Kh-BqmxMK8xs?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=3207.07]): Yes. Speaker 1 (00:53:28 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/snHJVSsstDw5SG7sxwdcK4CEDm6e_LCijHelwDqDWRQwPLKheBypOSR7B7uv7UwYM3MvwH2uUPAKVH-ocgku2-4y5og?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=3208.11]): Yeah. Sometimes when I am really, maybe we know that awe can be not just an experience, but also a trait. And I think I might be a little wired toward this because sometimes I just really get this feeling that I am connected to all people and then sometimes it's a particular person. And so when we were at the writing retreat in Santa Fe, I had not met you, and I don't know if you know this, but I had encountered you when you were looking for tea. I was getting coffee and you were looking for tea, and we maybe said one or two words, I think the tea's there something really profound. And then I went and I took my seat and then you were looking for a spot and you ended up sitting by me and I had already had the heart flutter when I encountered you at the tea. (00:54:31 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/qWyQhPZB5sMbeMYr8uomGQUhfLdSL-P1OIfoXHgFaGkWpGzy_k2B7U7D_woKeFt_Xz1EZIOaAr5MYtX4d2Ndyz81LCw?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=3271.44]): I'm like, I like her. And then you came and sat by me and I was like, yay me. I am going to get to actually talk to her. And it's so cool because this was before I'd read any of your work. I didn't really know what you wrote about those kinds of things. It was just that feeling that I hope people get in life where you just know that this person you should get to know. And we did. I got to know you a little bit, but I also really felt like this is someone that could really help me with my writing. I don't know how, because at that point, we hadn't exchanged any writing, and I didn't know really if you were looking for that. (00:55:21 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/Mc5a_vEZZVRRzJaZmupXX7EwtAyypScEFJPCzviiP1AEED8UKorsa6azigeALaUmtPvQJaIOebITxnTN4Lixq0vgKYE?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=3321.06]): But for people listening at this writing retreat, they had this, I think it was a bubble arch. And we had already been talking and gone to lunch and we were about to walk back through the doors and underneath the bubble arch, I was like, Rumi, could you be my writing person? Can I give you some of my writing? You give me some of your writing. I don't really remember what I said, but I do feel like there was this, I don't know where it fits on the wall continuum, but I felt it. And so I think that we can, that twinkle in someone's eye, that kind of magnetic feeling that we have, it's worth being a weirdo and seeing what happens. Speaker 2 (00:56:15 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/VcI-kt-J5155OXikNwxNoDvOPgL4QCTNzZv8RHs7KcAHJKF6uZIw6rE-5yi65uDdVqL2r5gJXscu3c0q0ChDc6AFAVY?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=3375.12]): Yes. I'm so glad you reminded me of that moment of standing under the arch and being proposed to was so talk about a heart flutter and feeling was mutual. And I think ultimately when you talked about health benefits are keeping our hearts closed as we tend to do growing up, facing disappointments, things not going our way, fear of being judged, fear of being rejected. We accumulate all these scars growing up and the only way to heal, and it's like a badly healed wound. We walk around with a bunch of badly healed wounds. And the alchemy to actually make those wounds heal properly is to open ourselves to those kinds of heart fluttering moments and give it voice. And I think it's funny, I'm really glad I accidentally said wa, because even Dacker Kaner and his research said that there's awe tends to have utterances like vocalization attached to it. And that he says that it's across the board universally that we give like, Ooh, there's a vocalization attached to the experience. So there's something very inherent in the sharing and connecting hearts, connecting our experiences coming out of our single person shells that awe spontaneously allows us to do if we let it carry us. Speaker 1 (00:58:22 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/Di0JdvI_eLsQxu6ME9v1lgDEFhS4deLK7fvzziRzovGUhj3_OVvnigBNWlFLU25xTletTSbM8xJDhxKQicqyjIG6Igo?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=3502.03]): Yes. And I feel like in our close relationships with our partners and our children and our friends, I think this vocalization has a place because I feel like often I am in awe of the love that my friends or loved ones have for me. They show to each other. I'm frequently moved when I see my children love and show up for each other. And I am married to somebody who really thrives on words of affirmation and lucky him. I love to talk and say out loud what I see and feel. And it's been a really beautiful part of our relationship because I will say, this is what I saw. This is how I felt. I think that that's this other place that awe can exist in our lives. Earlier you were talking about photographing as a way of finding something that is worthy to kind of help you get out that funk. (00:59:39 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/8-oxF69AHVUXCVXqA9PBRU_lck1lyeOM2mXkZW4bSfhNN4dvtZxlpJfSAtnkUsFB3CSDtto_zLUnPV-NnJnfgQAck08?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=3579.95]): And it reminded me of a gratitude practice. And I feel like there's so many ways to practice gratitude, which is there's so much science and a whole other episode on that. But we don't have to always journal our gratitudes much that I love to write. We don't have to write them down, we can speak them out loud. We can just see the bird out our window and put our hand to our heart and go, ah, that's so beautiful. And the funny thing that happens is when you do, sometimes you will have more and more feelings. I've often cried at hummingbirds just how beautiful, just sweet and tender. When you allow yourself to go there and be with it, you might have your own Niagara Falls experience. And I think that's why the science is starting to show up and support this, is that we need more of this. And there is this beautiful endless supply. Speaker 2 (01:00:47 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/gPXaEvdtIzHhFYwb_M3mwavQEf3gV9Mb84u7dEVUVot7IEiZCcnp7aL_Q4aMwPlgsG5pOTrLljcAVRrFpYJqZt5yigA?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=3647.84]): Yes, I feel that way about being, my children are teenagers too, two and these days, all they have to do is give a heartfelt thank you. And I am crying Speaker 1 (01:01:06 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/z94RHxAn6Ilyf8vFmZ_ZeeIp8xjjYUU-rtlLc5rfXunR9DiKQ0bQ_uBjOmPiiQMtuLsGkbPIfCPvtnwol0QDeFzwRD4?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=3666.95]): As a mom. I get that. I really do. Or sometimes it's, how was your day? What are you asking about me? Do you mean me? You're looking over your shoulder. Is there somebody else here? I think they mean me. And yes, it is this beautiful thing. And I also found out that my 15-year-old is a words of affirmation guy, which was stunning. We took the whole quiz and test. I was so stunned because typically you give him a compliment, okay, yeah, fine. He doesn't act on the outside. It really matters. So yes, I've started to with him when he asked me how I'm doing or how was the dinner with my friends to say back to him, I really like it when you do that for me. It's so great. Well, Rumi, I feel like we could talk on and on. I've so enjoyed our conversation. I wanted to share with my listeners how they can follow your work and stay in touch with you. Where can we find you? Speaker 2 (01:02:24 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/ZOkRPmG1_Aoz2xBuqKiEQGiNJB5_aQD2gZZSqTEQRHXaRXYvbY9GP4pBBJQyeEIFl2PmXxg7P9QuRimrPRhTMAFebbc?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=3744.51]): The easiest place to find me is on my website. You can go to hello rumi.co. That's HELL o.co. That'll take you to my website and can read the New York Times essay that I wrote on there. I also have linked to my Substack newsletter and the books that I've written and find all the information and all the things we talked about. They're on my website. Speaker 1 (01:03:01 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/5NuruL76YALTufU-ej5LUhb6qF38GRdDL8ob6OL4EqzGSmrGSGBCKSAi6xJWKMaQiyAX9Pa7IgFC398k13NmLphsQVE?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=3781.74]): Wonderful. Well, thank you so much for being here, and I am excited for my listeners to get some of your work in their hands. Speaker 2 (01:03:14 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/NCbUOobcxDE1WamyKMf6GImd9Y7f9Qvx7PFxROgGkXUFRvTvu9WItSAit_eJZ-gc5zveht3tKETq3WHX9NrSpy6KyMc?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=3794.82]): Thank you. It's been such a pleasure. And yes, go out and find some WA today. Speaker 1 (01:03:22 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/wkgjF8jMJuXNykqS9udf8qwTdQroJ07CYSo1Zsv5gFY_lzw6Atusa94fUVjB2lufDEh1ugGjpr2RdW-cq3batZIjIbY?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=3802.02]): Find some wa. I hope you enjoyed this production of The Naked News. Everything created here is for educational and entertainment purposes and should not take the place of talking with a medical or mental health professional. And just a hunch here, I think the health community will be big fans of awe. But don't just take my word for it. Ask, see what they say. The truth is we're very new to understanding awe scientifically, but traditions from all over the world have known about its splendor for thousands of years. And if you're looking to incorporate more awe, try rumi's little experiment or take a walk among the trees or plant some seedlings and watch them grow. And if you want more wellness news delivered to your inbox and always be the first to know about a new episode of the podcast, head over to naked librarian.com and become a subscriber. In addition to the Naked Librarian Podcast, I also publish recess and monthly wellness newsletter with curated health hacks, recipes, book music recommendations, fun and more, and you get it all for free when you become a naked librarian subscriber. Thank you for tuning in today. I made this for you and cheers to living your very best life.

Route 50: What it Means to Mindfully Turn 50

In this episode, Victoria Payne chats with her long-time friend Angie Parker Yoakum, a life coach and first-time author, who's hitting the big 5-0. They dive into how milestone birthdays are perfect times for a bit of self-reflection and personal growth. Angie opens up about her own journey of figuring herself out and how crucial it is to really know yourself to craft the life and relationships you're after. She gives us a sneak peek into her book, "Before You Say I Do: Questions Every Person Should Ask," which is all about asking the tough questions about past experiences, values, and future dreams, both for you and your partner. Angie's big on knowing your worth and not settling for less in relationships. She also opens up about how her family background shaped her views on love and relationships. All in all, it's a heart-to-heart on why knowing yourself inside out is key to a fulfilling and meaningful life. A big thanks to Angie Parker Yoakum! Look for her book : Before You Say I Do: Questions Every Person Should Ask...out soon on Amazon.  And thank you to Seth Parson for his music. This episode features his track "The Sun is Out."    Show transcript below:  Speaker 1 (00:01 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/QXLuH4hwg1Jf85i87xYsEjY_n87xUBt423x2sQvNElkVkwGO8g3QDMx8Eoa9K5KjC9fxjPwX4QnMnl1KfnTVBLC4cOs?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=1.26]): Big birthdays, we approach them with some trepidation, dread, maybe excitement. But what if you could use the runway to 50 or 60 or 70 or 40 as a way to know yourself better? Because we can't have the life or relationships we want if we haven't done the work to know ourselves and become the person of our dreams. Yep, I said it. You are who you've been waiting for. (00:36 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/_DYHK_GhIapkqducUPBkMvsb9LcZq1Cz-M2XYtq3I8-pwXdgdV1CsV5lgr_J-beJp-zy2w2ak0317zo5PbHoELSc20g?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=36.69]): We've all got them. People who change our lives, people we can grow with, and if we're lucky people we can grow old with. And speaking of getting old or what my 78-year-old father likes to call getting older, I am so glad you tuned into today's conversation because I'm going to introduce you to one of the wisest and most interesting women you are bound to meet. And she just so happens to be one of my oldest friends. And I promise you, if you ever find yourself in the same room with Angie Parker Yoakum, you're going to have a meaningful conversation. You'll leave their thinking about your answers and likely inspired to dig a little deeper. If you're new to the Naked Librarian, welcome. I'm Victoria Payne, a writer, storyteller, recovering English professor and total health nerd, and also your host. I created The Naked Librarian because I wanted more honest conversation about women's health and happiness. (01:34 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/aEVFKqWQVM50H_8pqqahKZCcdR7V61RheUBYCZqkMe4GBRl-3lcBOEhnKXt4ImpT95H9XohMmEXgGDTweGjIy5vdJ0o?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=94.53]): It's my hope that the show gives you practical tips and food for thought because in my ever expanding Girlfriend Circle, I know one thing for sure. We are all in it together. So let me tell you more about Angie Parker Yoakum. She is a life coach, first time author, mom to a beautiful teenage daughter and an all-star human being that you're going to fall in love with. In this episode that I've entitled Route 50, we dive into the mindful journey of turning 50 in a modern age. Because let's face it, ladies, it's both a personal milestone and potentially a meltdown. Your body, brain, hormones, life, job, relationships, everything has aged. And it could be hard to take the good with the bad, but what if you could use your road to 50 or 60 or 70 or 40, maybe 30 as a way to know yourself better? (02:28 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/gRm_RnO5PL_k9Xmqxwv0Wuabr3C2nFWNRMk2uy5uVoYNUdCSpekYxx7GYOaGkY4ZDpL4WeLmxjPpqs6yyi7gltzAH4k?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=148.23]): Because as do hear in our conversation, we can't have the life or relationships we want if we haven't done the work to know ourselves and become the person of our dreams. Yep, I said it. You are who you've been waiting for, and that's exactly what Angie and I talk about today. We dive into regret what we learned or didn't learn from our parents, parenting loss and what we would tell our 25-year-old self who has yet to embark on the journey and learn the wisdom that we now have for better or worse in our gosh dang back pocket. And we want to give it to you. Now, Angie's book is coming out soon, so this conversation is a bit of a preview and also listening in to two old friends talk about life and all they've learned along the way. And bonus, whenever you listen to this episode, I just want you to know that it airs on Angie's 50th birthday. How cool is that? So you are here celebrating it with us. So come with me and Angie as we put all this stuff together. We made this episode for you, Angie, do you remember how we met? Speaker 2 (03:39 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/Q1QfkqItbIH8k-rZSJMYjpe1CVZCyBZrYvyXMRprwh79xnDRrc5txbdwAuh_dn0VXNArRnSmXv0HnXLIBBG8ld8y7pE?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=219.97]): So we were at UPS, we worked at UPS together, and Victoria was this young southern belle little tender. What were you like 19? Such a little peach. And we were really lucky in the whole hub of Swan Island, UPS to work in this little corner called the hazardous responder section, which they had one just on each, it was just two in the whole hub, if you know what I'm talking about. In UPS, just the warehouse. But there were two ends to where it was literally what, six of us and Victoria and I were two of the six. And we just bonded. We became friends and she learned about my little quirks of, what was it you made quiche? I'm just really, really picky. So I think she maybe asked to drink some of my water. And I was like, no, Speaker 1 (04:43 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/umTgfIQPi522_DvH_MJZwARAOcP2El0j3sjwBIHIVLo0zw8MzY3OpgbtMiSZAkZMzg_reCaAyU3g721az5eZvNU8BM0?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=283.72]): You're actually not picky. What you are is very selective around anything around germs. And so you love food and all kinds of food and all types of food that it could be, but in addition to not knowing me well and wanting me to take a sip out of your water, you also were not interested in the egg rolls one of our colleagues had made at home. And I remember taking a bite and you going almost knocking it out of my hand and saying, you don't know what his kitchen is. You haven't been there, you haven't seen it. You need to think hard. You were asking questions back then. You were like, you need to think hard before you put this into your mouth. But it was an endearing quality. I could tell you cared about me. I mean, not at first when you were like, no, you can't have my water. And I was like, but I'm super thirsty. And you're like, no, not Speaker 2 (05:50 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/RQ91APwvP-CYE0gRDsQufgf7lzLgtilFS7o9CU7cQ90g5rv4KB0QbdEvKwX0ho-ld7cUQ75Y6mXDPxzhGUBQw2xpLMQ?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=350.89]): Even a waterfall. I didn't offer a waterfall. Is that what Speaker 1 (05:54 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/cNR4AArru7pPRE2EDVFhO2X8Uik4_RrLnQujDC5FKpPIWaFuPC1XeF2E0eFcqmVpUI6uCB5ns7Xy0-RsMRNwcs2XvIY?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=354.17]): Happened eventually? No, we didn't really do that back then. You were like, I don't share, sorry, I don't share my drinks. And then later on, you had other redeeming qualities. We used to listen to music and dance around and we had walkie talkies and we had all of our inside jokes. And I think one of your big claims to fame should be that if Angie and I hadn't met, I don't think I would have any of my three sons because Angie introduced me to their father and that relationship didn't work out. But I'm very grateful for it because that's how I became a mom. That is each of those human beings. Speaker 2 (06:47 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/gyI1BdDDA1uI5Wx3NPYHkazl3YdE9J3l3uNcdsp7cTD7Pnf9dKjgCS8uTPo9PH48acfOq9Xad4MXXS0pQW1iIsMLuzU?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=407.84]): Wait, wait, wait. However, the water, I told her no to him Speaker 1 (06:56 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/_-en3F4Dfnx_cKWOJkeBk0_kHWpaqua6ohk50_uuILwo2A-X5SgrhKUe-HfddBakLS1dqPcdZCzqbTkmxy97lEuSMR4?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=416.54]): Sort of. I mean, actually I think you did introduce us, but yeah, you were kind of like, no, but the two of you had your own kind of funny friendship as well. Speaker 2 (07:10 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/BEsgyry96syLKOAmjuOynLK8e-uxaiYS7R9L70qIHnSk4jIBkiZSSSPz2_L0tZjhjCqH5NB6godOJ3uOsztd2ZVKIlM?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=430.52]): Yeah, I saw 'em to this day. A thousand percent. Yeah. Speaker 1 (07:15 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/gsYPTx5qQoJPlbp609FaTmOGJ1fFW9CwxL8Jx6XvHYGhILcsLliD5oCfPK4GbXhFNlndKnakhoEr-Yc3VucsoimtMms?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=435.47]): It's so pertinent for the questions that you have people ask on this journey to 50 about themselves and about their lives. I definitely was not asking any question when I was 19, other than am I attracted to this person? Speaker 2 (07:32 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/LofJ9yoxxxxuc22YY4YE_hXIC1-_a7lER4inTYFeiV7hFin_5lmYsw4gsOnA6KIz_Uwzdh5CTHgu6OHBsfSE7soraLA?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=452.24]): Exactly. Speaker 1 (07:33 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/2EJpcN9jAIQqf6pJ5KiuN9739WtcjqKQ1rbh1e_aLM0I8dTPs2ig_XPdMCcNyAxTvIS8RCX_SA7DPQD3H-qpUuJP5Ak?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=453.14]): That was the question. Do they seem safe enough to go out on a date with Do I think I will have a good time? Speaker 2 (07:44 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/C8Ub_FUUjkxoSaKkMz94yTnlwmWwSKJklU_YgQFCmki1p5lvdHsBA9QeRecMh2ygCHLtV-Ybt4CuKlxXr1i4f_22UVE?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=464.3]): Exactly. Speaker 1 (07:45 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/vA5nYblI5vGxE7efMpxgOVY9E1D6pWYzLcigd9Hxk6hbszgPKIy9qA5evD0iU_QDvsytIe5nPnLAWFuLGIEX4ID7-LE?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=465.53]): Is he a good kisser? These were the, you Speaker 2 (07:50 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/WM5HCAYC-jxZXeMuFT8sNB2iernBLyavuDQJmvRheJKrys-wS4BCdM1MHRZaSVzhUf-PdLARtUw0XQT_CH_sJwhCv6c?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=470.17]): See, I know. No, seriously, exactly. Does he deserve my time? You know what I mean? It is. The other questions, the reverse questions to where I mean, but could, should have would've, and like you said, you wouldn't have your three babies. It is just a beautiful thing. It really is. And it's been for almost 30 years. Speaker 1 (08:18 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/q3tyaafvWJEYMsLKNqDISTsKeIJKY3cpZvGinVD76-wJiW4I7qjYLoWuT7bprjVJ0nrAoL7DerKP_NJrfEfD7D61XVk?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=498.32]): Yeah, almost 30 years. Because you like to make fun of me being a 19-year-old baby. But you were a 20-year-old baby. Speaker 2 (08:26 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/D_IQkvKyCfORsrePSq1w4tPcX7CudE6VYbWJ2-kbMTdQmr4-nH9EQr2aJsQ-a-iNRlegiZM-ajVZr8LqSOnDT6ZuDE8?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=506.06]): I I did not realize we were like a year behind each other. I just felt like you were just young, just sweet little peach Speaker 1 (08:35 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/qV8fxFNQBf07_3oI5hCd1dGQCF5jRz9K4IY98jOfRr8LwpfHl-Whgli56AN29p8oq-jIRUUhDwZmhjAk2lYpPr8iuSw?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=515.36]): And your family was so welcoming to me and I really got, I think our friendship really fast tracked once I got to know your family, and I love both of your parents, but your dad was so awesome and I've got so many great stories about that. So I'm really excited for other people to get to know you because I've gotten to get to know this really cool, amazing person for almost 30 years. I know you've got a lot of wisdom, and that's what we're going to talk about today. (09:18 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/RlhSwEno_Qp9dnHCPTcYNIF1Jm-WrUutpcPtpau7xcX2xWQ55OskVk__LgzqkqAk53xmwx69ZWEyaZTwV6pZ71gVbjc?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=558.39]): Hey, it's Victoria here, and I've got a message for all the business owners out there. Does your business or organization have an important mission? Then you need to know about mission flow? Mission Flow is an all in one sales and marketing platform for purpose-driven businesses. The mission flow platform is specifically designed to empower thought leaders, social entrepreneurs, local and family owned businesses and nonprofits to do more good with comprehensive marketing tools from web building to scheduling to email and SMS automation. And the best part, mission flow. Clients get more than tools. They get access to an award-winning marketing strategist, professional copywriter, and amazing customer support team. If you're looking for a better way to market your mission and grow your business, visit get mission flow.com. I know you and me, we could talk on and on about our lives and about the things that we think are important about what we had for dinner, how much we love our kids. We could just really talk on and on. But today what we're going to talk about is a really cool project that you've been doing where you've been inviting people into turning 50, which I know your birthday's going to be here soon. Soon. We're just weeks away. This podcast is probably going to come out right around your birthday. That's my goal. Speaker 2 (10:52 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/hqlE8la0aaLAs_talTemswiIlz0yXd1cOVXHXI5pAFjycB3-NNF9tQlj-9-Qm8sqzky6oK0Xfu4_3l2HRH0W4juTqi8?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=652.79]): Yay. Speaker 1 (10:55 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/NMJnRYmwiPBILAc0v-5pMUDNhwV6SzghvcdMkdANuThXloR4ZIdJMEpa1uMPLilqt0_cr8tIpRYwWO1K0YGUAPIZGqY?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=655.14]): Yeah. So I want to hear a little bit about this project and how you decided that you wanted to bring people with you around this experience of what I'm calling mindfully turning 50. Speaker 2 (11:12 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/4d4GN6hzdFagGo_UBvFc___5utFU0V-kBf7pexzS4XaXW2CyCUyp4G21xBfk6GMcI3c34WsF1ki4bhgGtMaPEFObJjI?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=672.72]): Yes. Well, for me, mindfully turning 50 is not feeling any negativity or regrets about such an age. 50 is 50. I mean, you have more of your life that is over and ahead versus there's not a lot more to go unless God gives you 30, 40, 50 more years. But the way that I see it is, and especially where I am now, it's just very exciting. It's a place where I have experienced and my journey through life has been something to where a lot of people haven't experienced. Even if it's travel, whatever it is, I know I have a lot to offer and it's like, come on, join with me, join with me on this happy journey. To me, it's just 50. I feel like I'm 34, you know what I mean? My health, everything is here, which is great, but I feel young, I feel good. I'm in a different space, and I just really want people to come along and understand that 50 doesn't have to be dreadful. Or any age where people feel some type of way or feel a lot of regret or so much time has passed or they don't have time, more years in front of them, I don't feel that way. I'm really, really excited and I just want people to come along. Speaker 1 (12:59 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/IPS4WXhXjIwNjMAFKTZI1BeyYT6qXDEThdTkJdOx0zweY_AI7MhQ1I6Fzg9dJbJYGVPG4wOKAsbKZkCWvqswvJ6TR6w?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=779.74]): I'm excited for you as your friend who's known you so long, I wanted to talk a little bit about this idea of turning 50 and not being filled with regret. Because you mentioned that if you make it to 50, you've lived already more than half of your life for most of us. And if you're lucky, you're going to get a couple more decades, maybe you'll be one of the people that turns 100, we don't know. But how do you not have regrets? Is there some kind of personal work or journey that somebody needs to go on to feel that way? Or is it just like, yeah, don't worry about all that. Forget all that stuff. Speaker 2 (13:57 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/6p3x--zqK73kqKC4vpusbE0NgTpvPv-2Qv-cJIxSoluGX4qFRYSGVN_gwnz_c9Cjb9ElDQbC4d8II2h_NZXh_CqJKPM?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=837.49]): For me, I was blessed to, early on in my early twenties, I started to do the hair of celebrities and just I guess celebrities, NBA players and different upper echelon, financially wise people. And then I also had a chance to travel the world. And then once I got married, then I had my child, I able, I felt like it was stages. So I mean, I experienced a lot. I had a very fruitful life. So once different things started to happen or once challenges started to come or appear in my life, I just looked at that as a challenge. Like, oh, this I am now. I just always looked at it as stages. So as I have gotten older with those stages, I have also learned to do introspective work because as you get into relationships and things start to surface, it's like, well, wait a minute. (15:15 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/yfs8iIKouNfy7hw9A7Vie7c0N2OMUhKXki7IF2bdJgX-xkn7Ev-JBeeAvlAq_TUXfHYBAe9IbJ_D4TAYzE-o2xFW1yI?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=915.08]): If I'm so great or if I had this great life, then what is this? What is really happening? And so once you start to do introspective work and looking in and start to look at your family of origin and connecting the dots and figuring out, okay, oh, I needed this or this is who I am, this is what I want, this is what I need. All of those things, when you start to look at that and just really connect it to yourself, then you kind of figure out like, okay, no. Well, you can't know or make up what you didn't know. So for me, there's no regrets with that. I am where I am now for a reason, and that's just pretty much it. So for me, there's no regrets. Speaker 1 (16:09 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/dOcHTHZ3dliu4KMT_L3ar24hFdA2Do8nHusgYIqVW9w6xSe7b3WjicEd-a0adNM1r3P-lm0u4YwWr3Zi8scJZfez7Mg?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=969.44]): I think that's a really important distinction that you can have had experiences where you felt like, boy, I really wish I would've known that sooner, or I wish that I could have understood this, but it was really outside of my control. I had the information I had, I did the best I could do. So I'm not going to feel regret. I'm going to try to take that wisdom, maybe apply it to myself, teach it to others, but regret kind of implies that we're stewing on it. I feel like there are a few things in life worth having regrets for mistakes that we've made where maybe we did know a little better, but we did it anyway out of some other reason or cause. But I think the way that we're talking about regrets today is something I can get on board with this idea that we come into this world, into our families, we learn what they teach us and what they show us, and that's our headstart on life. And then we grow and we acquire from there. And it takes truly a lifetime to understand some of these things. So you've been doing this toward a 50 asking questions. You wrote a book and your book is called Before You Say, I do Questions Every Person Should Ask, and I thought it would be fun if I asked you a few of these questions. Speaker 2 (18:02 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/KQOwxX7-SU7xXogFUi6kNkO3axfzeK2vZCjgWv-uYvNKsVRKD0O3eFDt02MHZew48_1Gq9G0Xdo0dS6Le2YUuQIlXxE?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=1082.49]): Oh, mg, who knew Speaker 1 (18:06 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/fM0TcAZt8uVBn6RGZRKY4OLhtashKZDGe_Zgt1TGIA5q0GCEvmI00Vrhw1ornuX_P_b5h3RyGSfmJnvGxWtOtZqg2rc?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=1086.48]): If you're tuning in and you're listening, the book's organized in different sections like historical questions, family questions, et cetera. So I thought it would be good for the audience to learn a little bit about you. When I ask you one of these questions. I know it was a big inspiration for your book. One of the questions is, did I know my mother or father? What was the relationship dynamic between my parents? Were they married, divorced in another situation? And how did my family's story shape or influence my views on love and relationships? Speaker 2 (18:49 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/gX8ScqMoD3_RowO1ZgzyOHht35buz6kgIgoQCHR_Th6W0uZJ6a0Y1E8hHIqKEtCgamgWkJY0bUsXonvQu1Q2s1OYL78?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=1129.05]): Oh, please. Speaker 1 (18:50 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/AWW2htARHzW6o6K0VLma1te2EhT7IivDS_ieuxXE2zqj7TTuMQnpWlgBWPZa6i_Kxwks6fWteK_crlKJuMgHA-IweIU?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=1130.01]): And before you answer, what I'd really like is for us to show the listeners how these questions work by you sort of being a case study. Speaker 2 (19:05 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/xi9Qxb4oVXyApYQTCiqheFuiQ20KCFKstsYwAzEKhx5vKhPYtmy7RW8xs2TAP5DXK-7g_066fWiy9dyJk1qgyzFjH4A?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=1145.76]): For sure. For sure. The questions like myself, they're layered just how she pretty much is one question, but it was like four questions in one. And I do a disclaimer. I don't want you guys to be overwhelmed, but honestly, that is just how I think, and the book is the way that I speak and the way that I think. So with my parents, I don't remember exactly how it's acts, I need to go get my book, but I think with my parents, they both came from backgrounds that they decided to make a 180, just a real change in their lives. My dad came from Nebraska and it just wasn't an ideal situation. It wasn't bad, but he had a single mother and he was more responsible for his family, and he got into the service and then he came to the northwest, Portland, Oregon and started his life and he met my mother, who was his Sunday school student. (20:17 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/-mzt7uLc5a9bkZvi28YvmGAaP64SCHboqsbAN5OhUwA1QUaUIbA0_To-ozN-e65BaP8KjyrJaLGKh8GkUn52SHFCcgU?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=1217.82]): I don't know if you knew that, Victoria, but they migrated my grandmother and grandfather from Arkansas to find better opportunities. And that is where my parents met. But both of them, I don't know if my mother was really trying to make a change or a difference. She was 18 when she got married to my father, she started having children immediately. And when she had me, she was about 34 and I'm the eighth child. But what happened was they just created this family, a very Christian bible-based organized religion and home love, full of love family. That one thing that stood out to me out of all the things, now don't get me wrong, I came from love. My father was present, my mother was present, and they could just do what only they can do if you're a parent. You know what I'm saying? However, one thing that stood out to me and my personality is pretty fiery and they didn't argue. Yeah, no disagreements, none. So for me, when I got a little older and had boyfriends and different things, one thing as I started to do the introspective work, I learned that I kind of didn't know how to resolve conflict lovingly and respectfully for me in certain situations, although it was demonstrated, a lot of things were demonstrated, but for my personality, things weren't really spoken or a lot of instructions weren't given. So my parents did the best that they could. Speaker 1 (22:12 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/EOWrZ2OD5aInaJFpSQEfsL0tH6SgP9KNkohnJRLmkWbn8LSTXKKRGqagu5lbVU1lIXAUZ-mJmSh7iRMt-14FgSbzblc?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=1332.16]): Were your parents aware that you had opinions and things to say that they might not agree with? Or was it more like you didn't see anybody arguing, so you just kept your thoughts to yourself? Speaker 2 (22:29 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/sT8lawWIX-Iq-r5Vo4k7HQuRClVce3pKJJ032DwJLg7MtNQNOSaih1XoQcH1eI9udkt8wymyPJT-DKpqgDVcCPvhrSk?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=1349.62]): I didn't see anyone arguing, and I don't think the arguments or conflict resolution came up until I got into relationships. And then by that time, I'm either fighting literally fist fighting with boyfriends, I mean, crazy stuff. Yeah, exactly. Or it just wasn't a thing. So I am positive that they knew I was a fiery little soul, but did it come up with them or I think it was more important to me with relationships, relationship wise, because all of us are relational, and once you bring whatever or don't know or whatever, you didn't get it ironed out through your childhood or whatever. It comes into your adult relationships. So we had conversations, but I don't think I really started to have conversations or the real conversations didn't happen until my dad was starting to pass in like 20 17, 20 18. And that's when I started to be like, wait a minute, why don't we, I just started to ask questions. (23:43 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/DpFofyQseSDo_tWUvEIEAByiUGsjNvchAQPk-ORHCenUZWIsBF77ZlG2qD82Qvor-MojwECYwY961ZKnk6lHgJ3L-_c?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=1423.6]): And then my mom, because I'm the youngest and most of my siblings didn't ever really question her, just what they said when, and they were great examples. They walked the walk and talk the talk. But as I got older and I just started to question things, I needed answers. So once I became of age and my dad started to pass, that's when I started to ask about our family of origin and why certain standards or why just a lot of different things that I realized just weren't on the table as conversations. So as I got older, I just learned more that my parents, like my mom, she didn't know. And my dad, he did his best coming from where he came from. But for me, it just became like this deep, deep, deep work to where even though they didn't have the answers or we were raised to be this way, I saw how there was soft dysfunction. I would buy our dysfunction, I would buy my way into our family. But at the same time, there are things that where you see patterns and different habits that kind of form in your bloodline where it's like that does not or has not been working for me personally. And I don't even know if I answered your question. I don't even remember all the questions. Speaker 1 (25:12 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/FBvHWriqJRynrchKsP30hXK2CXIXlOIbGbsqs_nkcJ99AQ0J_swTlqncp0ZBoa4QZ1O94j1zQlhnz9EZZGN-0CU672w?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=1512.14]): Well, I think that's the beauty of asking the questions is that it's not so much that you answer each aspect of the question, it's that you go inside and you see what you know and you're making this knowledge. And I think it's so interesting that we're talking about turning 50 and we're also talking about how your parents met when they were very young. They started having children when they were very young. I think about what I know today as an almost 50-year-old woman compared to what I knew at almost 21 when I became a parent. And I, it's vastly different. And all of the life experiences that I had between 21 and 50 are part of why I have so many more lessons and wisdom and insight. And I think you talked about growing up in a stable, loving Christian home and the way that that provided you this awesome springboard, and this is what I feel like I want listeners to pay attention to because maybe you two grew up in a really ideal family, a family that what Angie said, you would buy their dysfunction because it's so minimal. (26:38 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/_pJAm7j4yA-U2P7diEmKkZ994pAmOg8FCy-nITpXHItUDHFsIj4WJjvM-zCf3F0mMlfELJwpVp_ds0PQBreAH2MZRSs?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=1598.33]): You would take it over maybe some other experiences. But even inside of our very best, our parents doing their very best and being very loving, they can only pass on the knowledge and information that they have at that time. And we're not always limited by just what our parents taught us. I mean, I think of myself that way. I was a dramatically different parent than the parents that I had, and I had done a lot of thinking about the kind of parent I wanted to be, and I made some really different decisions, but in the cracks, like the cracks that I didn't know to explore, I couldn't obviously make those improvements until I started noticing there were cracks. And I think it's interesting that you talked about too, your father passing and how that started to inspire this introspection. I feel like one of my life's biggest turning points is when my sister died and I was 35, and I think there's this thing that happens sometimes when your loved one passes away and the family unit changes and we start thinking, what is this family and how did we come to be? (28:01 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/TDDhGQHxhdy7Ac7UW5N1TYnYSuM-Mza8YNPEnHvu2D1LiDwb4udVzKvxHWnsMNtpfbelrZX_0o_5dW7NNIwTKhDS3nI?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=1681.74]): And what is it about the way that we are that has shaped me? Do I like all of those things? I know from talking with you when you were working on the concept of this book, one of your ideas was, man, I really wish I could talk to people when they're younger and encourage them to ask these hard questions of themselves, of the person they're attracted to so that they had that wisdom earlier on. If you could go back and give your 25-year-old self some advice based on what you know now, what would you emphasize? (28:51 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/NLZozPL3NC47yKltgZUJn4lwImxzfYmWHFCPdkddI7OPOM_91xgLoCV4o8DMjd0slA1mLPKgKD015Yc6y_4T3fPBfLU?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=1731.87]): Hey, it's Victoria here, and we'll get right back to our episode in just a moment. But first I have a question for you. Are you 45 or older? Do you know someone who is? If you answered yes to either of these questions, I have the perfect gift for you or your loved ones. It's thoughtful, funny, and original because nothing says you care. And I got your back like the Naked Librarians guide to your first colonoscopy and activity book for grownups. The American Cancer Society's Guidelines move the colonoscopy age from 50 to 45 years old. So if you haven't scheduled yours, now is the time. This activity book is the companion experience to colonoscopy with 10 fun filled activities and loads of hilarious trivia to keep you entertained while you count down from limited diet to final purge. There's even a colon maze you can do while you're waiting for the nurse to call you back for your procedure. Ordering your copy is you can get yours on Amazon, just search the Naked Librarian's guide to your first colonoscopy. Did I mention we're number one in the colorectal category? In the meantime, make your list of friends and family. You want to delight in this rare and exciting gift. And as we say over the Naked Librarian bottoms up, Speaker 2 (29:59 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/TzYY-G_jocGur2bS8731osDN3iM3X4522ulE6XI7ebwSCwuGvyOGBBHnhWav1uPDpsGMpgIuE4EgWS0VEQR9u1Pna7o?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=1799.89]): I would emphasize my worthiness, my value, and just being aware if we can really stand in front of a mirror, you and I both know we have pictures from when we're our early twenties and just like ripe little plums, and it's almost like we had no idea. And it's almost like if you can just look in the mirror and really see yourself as a valuable, worthy human being here for a purpose, and not everyone deserves a chance at you. In the book I say, some people don't deserve our name, let alone number, and then we go on to marry them or just whatever. And so I would definitely, my 25-year-old self, I would just look in the mirror, see yourself and know that you are worthy and your value. Everybody does not deserve a chance period. And a lot of people just see potential and don't see the value in themselves and waste a lot of time with people that just don't deserve to know you at all. Speaker 1 (31:20 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/W0kfBKBTL5Ee_NjfuUlZoK6GXubmccJxa34hn27w3j9dfeOZYaTeV-M7lao6v6ycGVw_MxbJ2-Sw0brjttJ6ndkr190?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=1880.74]): Why do you think it's hard when we're younger to know our value? And honestly, I think it's hard no matter how old someone is, they, if they're in a relationship right now where they don't feel valued or they can't seem to find the love of their life and they end up in relationships where they feel like a doormat, what's going on? Why is so hard for us? Speaker 2 (31:51 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/3bwQu35fEMI9YDaaRU0TH2D_N0b9Z3Kt709Jd7IkSQh_cQp6Q_XFgYf-TC2Jnx9y3NoznsKPnfSWss1zeEeiBmyb4kc?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=1911.82]): I think it's hard. You send me a reel about the father talking to his daughter, and that is a little bit of what I go into in my book where my dad was present and even he told me I was beautiful and taught me a lot. I really had more than anything, a Mr. Mom, my brother next to me, and I did. But at the same time, there was no Angie, you are special. No one, just anyone. They don't deserve your space. They don't deserve your time. You deserve a man like this. When you get a man the way that I treat your mom, there was no real instructions. Everyone doesn't need that, but a lot of times, most of us do if you know it or not. And so what I didn't get there, I find that a lot of times we just give people a lot of chances that you just don't see your value if you don't see your value on worth no matter what in whatever age. (33:07 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/l_N3_83fgc8rA_5X7s9238OlTMg9fKULBeE7uw_DQYaL38rwT31_kglj3awOqlAkU8QKpB85ZiQVd7nA8CvfUpz7BPA?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=1987.04]): Because it took me a long time. I just started doing the introspective work at, I don't even remember how, I mean, my dad died in 2018, so do the math. I'll be 50. However, I just think a lot of us just don't get the instructions of how valuable we are. And so then if you and Victoria this as well, a lot of people don't do introspective work. A lot of people, these questions or the questions that they will create for their own situations will be the first time that they've even thought about or ask these questions of themselves or other people in their lives or consider to ask when they bring in the next person in their lives. So if you don't know who you are, what you want and what you need, you will find yourself in situations that just don't serve you, that really don't. Like I said, we were not born to be mistreated, but if you don't know your worth and your worthiness, then a lot of stuff has to happen until you start to ask the hard questions of yourself first. Speaker 1 (34:24 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/rm1EETwg8tNEeD5JwPSAOWl0PuJgfztbK9nsFJVnhnNpxlH_vi_NbA236B4hVBBf3Pe0GPVRbegD-hbrcyzVQQTqWLw?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=2064.32]): And I wanted to highlight that early on when you were thinking of writing this book and coming up with questions, one idea was, Hey, I want to tell everybody what the red flags are. And I remember that one of the red flags is what you just said, which somebody that hasn't asked themselves the questions, somebody that hasn't done the introspection, which is interesting, right? Because by that definition, you were a red flag for anybody else who had done the work. So minimally, if you haven't asked the questions, you're only going to attract someone that also hasn't done the work, and the two of you are going to be lost together. And people find each other at different phases of life and they maybe start to ask questions together and then up growing together. That is the thing that happens. And I think it happens a lot when people especially meet when they're younger or they have certain life events that cause that to happen. And maybe someone listening, maybe you'll get lucky and that'll be you, but I know one of your missions is to help people with the wisdom that you've gained and just said, hang on here. (35:51 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/e4XlNL6vs1mRExFTacZ-s3wnW_PsSVvdtj4xUc-Kw1yMzi7PeXWdsz67dgzVtUwVJTQFoZt73QEGYAXD5twy8C7Zo7M?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=2151.72]): Inherent in this idea of not really knowing our worth is not being trained to listen to ourselves, that inside of us there is wisdom, our brain, our bodies. We're noticing things that don't seem right, that we don't really like, we're not feeling valued in the relationship, but we're not tuning into that. We're almost like shutting the door on that. And I think building the awareness that you have an internal operating system that is a wise guide and just, I know for me it's been a big practice just to notice, just to notice like, oh, I'm having a yucky feeling around this person. It doesn't have to be your partner. It could just be somebody else in your life that doesn't deserve your name or number. And I thought this was going to be an interesting friendship or relationship, but I'm not. No thanks. And I think this is true, especially of women. We're really trained to be polite. Speaker 2 (37:05 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/LApcgEYFi9Txy9ghBzvr6NSCe3kRyYgXlWmZ9aaVC_0kKdFPS_cRyIdImTvr1XrnfagmCbuuJsAv9TuWiOKA6R6_2Fg?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=2225.61]): Thank you. Speaker 1 (37:06 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/rDPTzFwAOvZ6yrHZ5yqFrZVQGXJhZyuID-Ya8OgFF7seDu9IiQ32jxRMt-rSzC1D1wNNh-D2WVFQpN4h_feaRh9VPUo?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=2226.96]): If you have any faith background, you're also treating to be of service to others. And so this wise person I'm talking about kind of gets shelved or you have a secret life where it's like, okay, I've got somebody inside. They are talking to me. They are telling me something about this doesn't seem right, but I'm supposed to be of service and I'm supposed to be selfless. I'm supposed to work for the greater good. It doesn't matter how you get this message, whether it's you's because you're a woman or because your mom didn't have a lot of value to demonstrate, or like me, you grew up in Georgia in the South where I was sort of trained to be polite or you grew up in the church, which I also did where I was, they doubled down. It was like, be polite in a servant and have a servant's heart and don't have a lot of needs. Don't be needy. Speaker 2 (38:12 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/AzGrKJv2NMLsyfzviBqB2YqXKHDQx7MjCFicgkGNPFBhw0BuNXajeAAUljEHHJpYksNw_PI-DppQ8yS7qMWvS04ViYo?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=2292.75]): It's horrible. Speaker 1 (38:14 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/KGkxPExfzplrRj_eXDwHX3N1ld5DGyexL2vU5tW7pPeHEnnJlpR-KvHdNhs5yzRI4_z-LvwjP8UQLo870UPjjlhhhv8?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=2294.64]): I mean, it's just why I have conversations like this because I think a lot of people, a lot of women could look at their life and say, well, none of that applies to me. And yet I still struggle with people pleasing. Speaker 2 (38:34 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/oBBhDrnl7S9A22yGe8LBjXMDRhLztbnovOd5eynCPcqEmLplJ5o7olXqZOrStjqOZQ_1kEU6RDZ5zyA0P4jLtyRzYHs?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=2314.23]): Exactly. Speaker 1 (38:36 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/tX6FrBEmHmeievlRKFOYisCRJu-tzsu3PfvwKD-5z9DUZd4hzxytXCpn6IveuChscBQw9f7YWJss0t7C5a8Ee06TUvs?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=2316.94]): Meeting a partner that ends up not being right for me. And so I think that the questions are hard. The questions that you want people to ask are hard. They're multifaceted. And have you ever thought with how many questions in your book, how long you think it would take somebody if they did them all? Speaker 2 (39:01 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/2CPCLfiD_OsWhat9qAdIRi3sYJPPhHeaq37k4Y1lLwjrsHczx5jm5bQvNdDBRF-LJXOZFQoKS6ntvLboCkYArzY3GIc?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=2341.42]): I didn't really. I did not. Because just as well as you asked the question, just they'll go off on tangents or it's like you'll just get a chance to see into people if they answer the question just how you ask the question, great. But a lot of times that's not the case. But if you listen, you'll learn about a person or you'll hear their denial or awkwardness, uncomfortableness or just starting to divulge information. So it gives you a chance to get to know people, and it's really a chance for you to observe. And especially in the dating aspect or even your spouse or yourself, whatever it is, it's almost like this patient vetting chance just to see or understand a person. So just as well as the questions are multilayered and multifaceted, it's just a way to see the layers of people or see the way that someone will hide the layers that they're not ready to share or that they don't want to share. (40:21 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/iZltim04ndrzhJwD_IsGAhJFPVKSYcR28yrJLdVGjq8XDYjvimS3S0KvA_Uilvx5yh6lK6vvjOIJot9lOm_LFzmZAvw?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=2421.34]): So I didn't think of how long it would take. I just knew that it would give people a chance to see whomever it is, whatever question it is, the way that you answer, don't answer, or the way that you expound, just whatever it is, it gives you a chance to see the person. And that's what a lot of us haven't taken the time to do, is to see ourselves and to really look into ourselves, let alone another person that we are inviting or allowing into our lives. So if you don't know yourself, that's not good. But then we're always in a relationship to where, what are you expecting or what are you looking for from this other person? And you really don't even know yourself. So it's just a learning process and a vetting. I like the vetting word. Speaker 1 (41:22 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/AEGM6CSCcDnTnHgOB116UwnFfuN6JmKVuj3eiVZ20AnOF6hnhm-DA_tgVtrqKMOBx6WhNjcWqqlPyARTq9_80fo6UUw?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=2482.57]): I like the vetting too, and the way in which we can vet ourselves, we can land on a question that's uncomfortable for us and begin wonder what's that really about? And so I think what's cool is that the questions work both ways. You can ask them of yourself. You can be on a solo journey or you can be in a new relationship and want to get to know a partner. Or I think it would be really cool to be in a group where people are thinking, I want to know myself better and I want to know the people around me. (42:03 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/Ig3MD91TmU9CyHRYuLOTtJNNkFLFTfk5rPUcsCNfrIvE70Z7elerjeXB-6ox2AqG8P0D9GWxlG7FHnrt3lsrJaqPMng?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=2523.62]): I think you and I are similar in the regard that we're verbal processors and we're willing to maybe talk and maybe not sound eloquent, but sort of figure it out while we're talking. Some people really struggle with that. And so I would just encourage people that if you use these questions to interact with others, do it with grace. Not everybody is comfortable just pouring their heart and their lives out, and that doesn't mean they have some kind of secret life or they don't want to get to know you. And I think it can be a beautiful way to build closeness in a relationship when you allow for different learning styles and different personalities. Maybe somebody wants to write their thoughts down and have read them. Maybe it's something you do around the dinner table with your kids. But I think allowing for those differences is important. So I think that approaching it all with a sense of grace and curiosity and versus like, gotcha. Speaker 2 (43:22 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/pu79Zig1h5sfV2dq5bVKkUmfBn7Z8o3sOO0nvsvSDOVlI3RWUwAPI2XBaYegbyf-7Wu1qxX82Pjv7XHBNVUxZ9L4zjQ?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=2602.22]): Exactly. Speaker 1 (43:25 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/bY0-0Q_QY0txDq-1X_WDYxNX2vy6m1TvR7fNJT_Jd-uYtrFYrcBmfHipdAO9sdmNqP4LmnqHwOGl9Twhi-j278w9XfU?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=2605.29]): I knew I couldn't trust you, and now you're acting shady around Speaker 2 (43:29 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/FDK601Ham3POq3SPxi3wU8XG1olcVZDFbplUFh4wcXGMJLI14NCiFLDWWDhlDhoq6EyyYqSFWj-Ag-caaSgTUHPXLms?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=2609.36]): Your Speaker 1 (43:29 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/cksk5FPH8P7L6Pcp6XAsXrO_iUlCPFCHlkvFWXUjdD7TdGR-qhmD63H4x_i6d-LKpIMLPJVu0uRQY8tSBmC059j8kCQ?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=2609.93]): Answers. So now I really know. So I just have a couple more questions for you. What do you hope at turning 50? What do you hope your daughter has learned from you? Speaker 2 (43:47 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/fAJ7CW62DEshTvzI6H27MCtcDT_eUQZwomHoR_NOzlFOljemggPjCVrrWwMurKJ8ejulViADI9z40PCXaG279MDACrU?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=2627.39]): Wow, resilience that you can be in a situation or you can, even if it's financial uncertainty, just not being sure about different things. Like with me, once I had her, just different things changed. If it's the career or just different paths that I wanted to take had to take and ended up going down. But yet still the questions and the enjoyment life, even if I was in a bind, it could have been financially or whatever, always made sure we went to close trips where we can drive in a car or there's still an enjoyment in life. There's still great people to be around. There are a lot of things that can happen for free. It is free to be kind and nice and just speak to people, speak to all types of people, and you don't have to be just, I guess you and I, what people don't know when a lot of things race can come up. (45:15 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/M3Yi4MwkQWK0_e9ETB7lViMjtnCqBf1AXbXDMEZrI2XXa7a1luUdyndpJo2sguy0uDWDbmcAzXR9lHNQR0RuNhFw820?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=2715.75]): We've been friends for a very long time. We've had hard conversations and we've been through a lot, but we love each other very much. And for her to see that, I mean, she's been with you since she was a child, and so really it's about loving people, still finding joy in the midst of it all. And so for her to see me in all different stages, but then yet to kind of come to this empowerment stage, this embracing being 50 and not having regrets to where it causes bitterness or things that just really aren't worth holding onto because life is great even when it's not. We have opportunities just to make decisions that we can help somebody else. We can be in a hard place and we can just help somebody else. So I think she's seen that all of her life, and she sees me where I am to where I'm just becoming more and more empowered just writing a book. (46:26 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/UTV5WCRsgu1FsQqlxGUcgI6frfx6Hc4oFDaOfwT7saT2bmx0afA3Q4kkZbnB5eNvlDvkw932zvhQEP4Ng2bJfQxRXRs?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=2786.97]): I mean, that's a big deal. And just like you and she and other people have heard me talk about it, but to actually have accomplished that and accomplished different things, it's just I think she is proud. She says she's proud or she can just watch me and I feel I can be enough of an example for her to where, and I've given her enough information. You and I, we didn't know about boundaries and codependency and all of the things that you need to know early on. So outside of her watching me and learning things, I made sure that she knew all of those trauma bonds and everything that we learned a little bit later on in life, usually for most of us, unless you miss it. So I tried to instill a lot of things in her, but be ridiculous or disrespect her youth and childhood. But I also try to be an example and just allow her to know that mommy didn't know at all, and just to see me through the journey to where I have hopefully in my eyes progressed and become pretty cool at almost 50. So yeah, I don't know if I answered your question. I think I did. Yeah, Speaker 1 (47:58 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/8Ju9gU1esb1IKeMqDMfsl7i_uoG9uQY4E_gUoVOGKxl1JrC2cADzYztsm7TfDVsI0WZIAH46bPXqxVlVP_AdAAkCqyU?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=2878.45]): You did. Great. If people want to follow along with your journey, if they want to find you, where do they go? How do we stay in touch with you? Speaker 2 (48:10 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/QupA4ky7Qn5dt-4tK5kKMVTWlu8s9k6QYIAN7Pn5daS4EicX489P92v-Gi7MdjlFaEB5GhJ95fe84k2RC49Qs5VN19s?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=2890.15]): So at Angie Parker Yoakum without the dash on Instagram, and that's a fairly new page. I'm starting that for my life coaching and my journey to help people just empower themselves and just to be a better person. Also, Angie Parker Yoakum on Facebook, that's where you can find me. And then my original page, which is more about food am a licensed cosmetologist as well as a life coach, but I am a licensed cosmetologist. So my first and original page is at Foodie Mom, which stands for Food, beauty, and I'm a mom all one word, and that's my original page. So yeah, just follow, come along with me. I'm just really now getting back on social media. I never wanted to be on there without a purpose, but I definitely want you guys to come along my journey and just so we all can have fun and ask questions and get to know each other, and yeah, Speaker 1 (49:19 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/wVUWSidNWM5NG8bf08_lYYds6HpF-XZoGkGBFuCdO_q7lGxB5OVKfB7NgSNVx415ziGVeUfARcgGInf2h6hePFzDkXg?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=2959.65]): All of it, Speaker 2 (49:21 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/g_lP2t5P63VIWB_5gPFz-U600XLWzN83W_XayPd9hjAqsUUZuPiVV24Y7L8fIRfQ0nMvxwVgHMZYl6JdlDFX0gknnAI?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=2961.05]): All that. Speaker 1 (49:24 [https://www.rev.com/transcript-editor/shared/QDzYkcvyP-Qh0hU7CmAmjJbHrqhsRVQkt3AE1BjiBlDmKAy9BvGvjp1Rou4RJ0aO6DyS0qf1jn-ncEalOKJvkNNY5XU?loadFrom=DocumentDeeplink&ts=2964.34]): I hope you've enjoyed today's production of The Naked News. Everything created here was for entertainment and educational purposes and shouldn't take the place of talking to a doctor or a mental health professional. If you don't have a therapist. I'm a huge fan of therapy and getting to know yourself. And when Angie's book comes out, you can take a look at these questions and journal and get to know yourself a little bit better. Also, if you want to stay in touch with the Naked Librarian, make sure you've gone to my website and added yourself to our newsletter list where I publish. Recess is also the place where you're going to find out every time there's a new episode of Naked Librarian. Make sure to like us on all your favorite platforms and come follow me over on Instagram. It's my mission to bring more health and happiness topics to grown ass women. Thank you for listening in. I made it for you.