CATS

MRS. FUBBS: PART TWO

As children, if princess movies teach us anything, it's that every girl will grow up and find a tall, handsome man to rescue her, and she will have dozens and dozens of beautiful babies and live happily ever after. Well, to this princess, I would like to say, "Bullshit." No, this is not how life happens. And having those dozens of babies is a lot more complicated than removing that condom from the banana.  In Episodes Four and Five of "MRS. FUBBS," strap your feet into a pair of sturdy, metal stirrups and tighten that hospital gown as we  roller-coaster our way through the ups and downs of baby making...or as my daughter calls it, "when the hairy man puts the baby inside of mommy."  CREDITS: All essays written by Caitlin Allgood. Music composed by David Allgood, and performed and arranged by The Parkers. Stream their music online coming soon. Also, if you find my voice irritating--I don't blame you--you can find the stories in print, as well as embarrassing photographs, at www.averagelyallgood.com. [http://www.averagelyallgood.com]

MRS. FUBBS: PART ONE

As children, if princess movies teach us anything, it's that every girl will grow up and find a tall, handsome man to rescue her, and she will have dozens and dozens of beautiful babies and live happily ever after. Well, to this princess, I would like to say, "Bullshit." No, this is not how life happens. And having those dozens of babies is a lot more complicated than removing that condom from the banana.  In Episodes Four and Five of "MRS. FUBBS," strap your feet into a pair of sturdy, metal stirrups and tighten that hospital gown as we  roller-coaster our way through the ups and downs of baby making...or as my daughter calls it, "when the hairy man puts the baby inside of mommy."  CREDITS: All essays written by Caitlin Allgood. Music composed by David Allgood, and performed and arranged by The Parkers. Stream their music online coming soon. Also, if you find my voice irritating--I don't blame you--you can find the stories in print, as well as embarrassing photographs, at www.averagelyallgood.com. [http://www.averagelyallgood.com]

CATS

When you sign up to live in a place like New York City, you are signing up for the unexpected. Do you expect someone to steal parts of your bike piece by piece until the only thing left is part of the knob from the bike lock? No. Do you expect to work seventeen jobs at one time in order to pay for an 8 x 10 foot apartment room that smells like limburger cheese? Why, of course not, sir! So, you are not allowed to be flummoxed when a feral cat attacks you, your dog, and your dog's sexy backpack.  In Episode Three, "CATS," join me and my faithful companion, Mabelle, as we get attacked by a possessed pussycat.  CREDITS: All essays written by Caitlin Allgood. Music composed by David Allgood, and performed and arranged by The Parkers. Stream their music online coming soon. Also, if you find my voice irritating--I don't blame you--you can find the stories in print, as well as embarrassing photographs, at www.averagelyallgood.com. [http://www.averagelyallgood.com]

BEACH: PART TWO

Remember that feeling sitting in the back of your family's station wagon as you traveled across country on a road trip? The smell of dried, room-temperature ketchup lingered upon your top lip as your brother's open mouth puffed out trash-bag, fart breath. You held on tightly to the possibility that, unlike all previous family trips, this trip would not be a disastrous shit storm of forced family bonding. No, this trip would be the best yet. . .And then seconds later, the air conditioner gives out, and your brother throws your pound puppy out the window.  In Episode One and Two of "BEACH," travel back to a time when TV/VCR combos were the technology of the future, and dinner at The Red Lobster was like dining at a 3-star Michelin restaurant. Join me on an Averagely Allgood family trip to Panama City Beach in the early 1990s.

BEACH: PART ONE

Remember that feeling sitting in the back of your family's station wagon as you traveled across country on a road trip? The smell of dried, room-temperature ketchup lingered upon your top lip as your brother's open mouth puffed out trash-bag, fart breath. You held on tightly to the possibility that, unlike all previous family trips, this trip would not be a disastrous shit storm of forced family bonding. No, this trip would be the best yet. . .And then seconds later, the air conditioner gives out, and your brother throws your pound puppy out the window.  In Episode One and Two of "BEACH," travel back to a time when TV/VCR combos were the technology of the future, and dinner at The Red Lobster was like dining at a 3-star Michelin restaurant. Join me on an Averagely Allgood family trip to Panama City Beach in the early 1990s.      CREDITS: All essays written by Caitlin Allgood. Music composed by David Allgood, and performed and arranged by The Parkers. Stream their music online coming soon. If you find my voice irritating--I don't blame you--but enjoy the stories, find them in print, as well as embarrassing photographs at www.averagelyallgood.com [http://www.averagelyallgood.com]