17: The Rules, as Told on Crack

21: Joshyboy Finishes Killing Everyone (And our Thoughts on That)

21: Joshyboy Finishes Killing Everyone (And our Thoughts on That)  // Joshua 20–24   Laura and Kiernan finish off the book of Joshua and reflect on the story so far, enjoying shared stories of christian experience, guilt, our thoughts on hell, and generally just being high while reflecting on what the fuck the Bible is    In this episode: * Laura and Kiernan review the basics of the southern Ash Wednesday and Lent experience  * God reviews the Cities of Refuge & The Avenger of Blood™  * Kiernan and Laura develop additional canon for The Avenger of Blood™  * The Israelites divide up the conquered lands by drawing straws aka “casting lots” * Kiernan and Laura discuss guilt, hell, a life of good, and a little bit of jesus

20: Joshyboy kills everyone

20: Joshyboy kills everyone  // Joshua 9–19  Laura and Kiernan are joined by special guest, Jared, as we follow Joshua and the gang on their divine quest to the promised land, to kill everyone and take Israel for themselves In THIS episode:  * Joshua takes The city of Ai with a pretty tactical Feint-Raze combo * The Gibeonites pretended to be from a far away land and got a sneaky blessing * Villain squad attacks the Gibeonites  * God stops the sun so Joshyboy can fight back vs the villain squad all day * Joshua kills all the kings * Joshua kills all the kings even more * Joshua divides the land he took amongst the tribes * Caleb is in a tifffy cuz he was supposed to get a mountain * Everyone gets land!

19: Joshyboy takes Jericho

19: Joshyboy takes Jericho  // Joshua 1-8  Laura and Kiernan are joined by our Kart Gang homies on an exciting Camping-trip special.  In this episode:  * Moses is dead so Joshyboy is now the leader * The Israelites are ready to conquer the promised land * The first city we gotta capture is Jericho , a city with really big walls  * Joshua sends spies to Jericho * The Spies spend the night at a Brothel make friends with a sex worker named Rahab * She helps them escape the Guards by hiding in her roof * The spies escape * Joshyboy has another round of circumsision for everyone * The Israelites destroy the city walls through the power of yelling * After destroying the city, The Israelites kill everyone except for Rahab the sex worker (and her family)  * A couple of the Israelites steal some gold  * they weren't supposed to do that and they get in trouble later * The Hosts compare the difference between religion and just stanning Jesus * Hail Satan

18: Moses dies at the Zaxyby's in Moab

18: Moses dies at the Zaxyby's in Moab // Deuteronomy 23  Laura and Kiernan finish the Pentateuch with Moses finally sending the israelites on their way to conquer the promised land.  In this episode:  * Moses continues on the rules * Rules of which races to kill or not kill * Rules for holy war * Rules for wet dreams (and/or night farts) * Rules for husbands and wives * God has Moses send 2 groups of people to different mountains,  * One group to bless good things and the other to curse bad people * Moses and God align on who to curse and who to bless * There is a list of what the curses are  * Laura tells us some facts about frogs * There is a song to remember all the rules which Kiernan Parodies * Moses blesses each tribe and Laura and Kiernan rate which are best

17: The Rules, as Told on Crack

17: The Rules, as Told on Crack  // Deut 11-20  in the Deut-Deut episode Toot-Toot, we’ll be joining Moses and the gang, with Moses continuing to outline the rules and customs the Israelites should follow once they cross into the promised land and kill everyone. * Moses continues to tell the israelites the rules   * Moses says if the israelites follow the rules, they’ll get rain and prosper * Moses reinforces the need and value of church dinners * Kiernan and Laura reflect on church dinners from their past * Kiernan and Laura re-state that we are against slavery * Moses continues with rules including which animals are okay to eat * Moses outlines the rules for passover * Laura and Kiernan agree that Moses totally fucks and has eric andre chaotic energy * Moses outlines rules for stoning people for trying different religions * Moses outlines rules for burning down villages for trying different religions * Moses hints that we may need a king soon but that the king will be picked by God and shouldn’t be like egyptian kings * Moses outlines a list of rules in a variety of categories in a seemingly-random order  * Moses says to sacrifice a cow if you can’t find the murder suspect,  take good care of people’s pets, you have to build parapets  * Moses says don’t be wizards,  don’t leave corpses hanging everywhere,  don’t cross-dress, don’t diddle your stepmom, don't have an ox and donkey pull the same yoke * Moses says if you lie about being a virgin or cheat on your spouse, you get stoned  (the bad kind)