i think i'm depressed

ashamed.

Cozy late-night bed episode where I realize something big: what I thought was “depression” was actually something much different—and it runs deep.After your supportive comments on my last video, I traced where the pressure comes from… all the way back to my fundamentalist Mormon upbringing, perfectionism, and generational trauma around being “good enough.” This is me pulling the curtain back, naming the pattern, and committing to something brand new.If you relate to heavy self-judgment or perfection pressure, I’d love to hear what hit for you.I’m Calvin (Cultured Boy)—ex-fundamentalist Mormon with 44 siblings, rebuilding life through curiosity, creativity, and honesty.🙏 Like + subscribe for more real-time conversations like this.Follow me on instagram: instagram.com/calvinwayman0:00 🛏️ Cozy late-night “Ashamed” ep + bedtime upload • 0:45 🙏 Like/subscribe + quick “Cultured Boy” origin (44 siblings) • 1:41 🧩 Recap of last “depressed” ep + money/work context • 3:35 💡 Real root: not depression—shame • 4:09 🫂 Big lesson: honesty + community support = “maybe I’m okay” • 5:27 🕳️ “Where did the shame come from?” + deeper backstory setup • 6:00 🗽 NYC + Mormon vs fundamentalist Mormon context • 8:18 🧠 Joseph Smith / narrative reframing + polygamy thread • 12:55 🧨 Doctrine shift: LDS ends polygamy + kicks out polygamists • 16:10 🌟 “Not all bad”: beauty of community/family feeling • 18:06 🧬 Fundamentalism = trauma/rejection + persecution pattern repeats • 22:47 🔒 Insecurity → tighter control (rules, dress, hypervigilance) • 27:02 ♻️ Shame cycle + “can’t mess up” perfection wiring • 29:18 🏁 “Kingdom of God or nothing” = all-or-nothing pressure • 31:10 🎯 Dreams trigger the same “celestial kingdom” pressure wiring • 36:32 ❤️ Hidden good: a part of me deeply cares about living true • 38:32 🧊 Pattern interrupt: you’re still good—even when it’s not perfect • 39:43 🌍 Reframe: the pursuit is beautiful (Middle East doc leap) • 42:49 🔥 Commitment: break the shame pattern in me • 44:26 ✅ Wrap: accept process/outcomes → freedom to keep going • 44:53 🌙 Gratitude + “stay hungry, stay curious” sign-off

i think i'm depressed

I think I’m depressed… and I’m recording anyway.This episode is unpolished on purpose — dishwasher running, no clean resolution, just me telling the truth in real time. I talk about leaving a fundamentalist Mormon cult, starting my life over, moving to New York City, making Hearts Unknown, going a year with almost no income, and the fear that taking a sales job again could bury the creative rhythm I’ve fought to find.If you’ve ever felt stuck between survival and your dream… I get it. And if this helps you feel even 1% less alone, that matters.Where are you at in your process right now? If anything resonated, tell me in the comments.Please like the video, subscribe to the channel, and follow me on Instagram: www.instagram.com/calvinwaymanTime Stamps0:00 — I think I’m depressed & hitting record anyway 🎙️1:03 — Why I need to speak even when I feel low 💭2:26 — Wanting to be real in a polished world 🪞3:23 — My story: leaving a cult & starting over 🌱4:46 — Moving to NYC, kids, rebuilding life 🗽6:10 — Quitting sales to chase something real 🎯7:46 — Going to Israel & making Hearts Unknown 🎥9:18 — Putting my art out… and it not popping 📉11:20 — Still believing in chasing what feels true ❤️12:53 — Feeling trapped, not knowing what’s next 😔14:07 — Debt, grinding, and questioning my path 🔄16:10 — Wanting people to feel less alone 🤝17:43 — The shame of making almost no money 😶‍🌫️18:21 — The “maybe” story & trusting the process 🌾22:43 — Choosing time with my kids over money 🎄25:06 — Fear of losing my creative rhythm 🎨27:37 — Optimism even when things feel dark ✨29:44 — Facing accountability with myself 🧭31:07 — What really matters: making meaningful things 💡33:16 — Pride in surviving a year with no income 🛠️34:05 — Dreaming of being the next Bourdain 🌍36:14 — Hoping money can fuel creativity, not kill it 🔥38:10 — Why structure hits differently after control 🧠40:24 — Protecting the creative part of me 🌿41:54 — If others can make it work, maybe I can too 🚀42:45 — Closing: stay real, stay curious 🤍

Cultured Boy Reacts: the Renee Good Situation

In this episode of Cultured Boy, I share my raw, unfiltered take on the Renee Nicole Good situation and what it reveals about how we process truth in a polarized culture. Drawing from my background growing up in a fundamentalist Mormon cult, I explain why I’m obsessed with questioning narratives instead of blindly choosing sides. As new footage and perspectives emerge, I walk you through my own changing reactions and the uncomfortable accountability that often gets ignored. This isn’t about defending a camp—it’s about confronting how fast tragedy happens and how certainty can become dangerous. My real aim here is simple: less tribalism, more truth, and a deeper commitment to seeing people as the full human beings that they are.Please like, comment, and most importantly--SUBSCRIBE! I'm new to YouTube and I'm trying to let the algo know that this ought to get pushed to more people. Your engagement with the content means a lot to me. You can also follow me on Instagram! I post there every week, and engage with people there. www.instagram.com/calvinwaymanTime Stamps: 0:00 Cultured Boy intro: ex-cult lens 👓0:13 Renee Nicole Good situation—my take 🚨0:27 Raw + unpolished on purpose 🎙️2:13 What happened: shot by ICE 💥2:49 My reaction roller coaster 🎢3:28 My background (how I scan angles) 🧠5:05 44 siblings + cult context 😳8:02 Polygamy history (why I exist) 🏛️16:18 “Narrative-locked” explained 🔒19:08 Politics predicts interpretations 🧩20:48 1st video: sick to my stomach 🤢24:37 New angle: did he get hit? 📹28:27 Body cam changes the read 😬29:44 “Drive, baby, drive.” Then shot 🗣️32:04 Hard take: accountability exists ⚠️39:02 Exit the binary: everyone’s a sibling 🤝44:17 I’m not here to tell you what to think 🧠49:45 Unearned certainty is dangerous 🧪51:30 Closing question: what’s your aim? 🎯56:38 NYC dispute story: empathy flips it 🌃1:04:33 My aims: truth + good for people 🌱1:04:46 Outro: stay curious ✌️

The last Cultured Boy episode...

Episode begins at 00:01:31 [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HZZbkZXKBm8&t=91s]

Is Homeschool a Cult?!

What happens when a homeschooled comedy YouTuber and a former fundamentalist Mormon boy (also homeschooled) compare childhoods?Chaos. Laughter. Trauma bonding--and a surprising amount of sneaking out through windows.In this episode, Rae (@RaesWAYOverdoingIt) opens up about her intensely controlled upbringing—no pants, no dancing, no locked doors, no autonomy—and how she secretly built a creative empire anyway. From tracking her money in a ledger at 13 to filming 250 Amazon videos just to fund her escape, her story is WILD.We also talk about:• Calvin’s life in a literal polygamist cult (44 siblings, 4 moms)• How both of us had to sneak to be ourselves• The weird things parents punish when they’re threatened by your freedom• Why people hate when you succeed• Turning your most painful memories into art• Processing childhood control, religious fear, and the hunger for autonomy• And why dancing on a VidSummit stage somehow brought us togetherThis conversation goes deeper than either of us expected. It’s raw, hilarious, heartbreaking, and empowering.If you grew up homeschooled, religious, controlled, sheltered, or just “different”—you’re gonna feel this one.Welcome back to Cultured Boy. Let’s dive in.00:00 The “Cult of Homeschooled” Cold Open 🎒00:54 Calvin’s 44 Siblings Intro 🤯01:46 Rae vs Taylor Swift: The Numbers 📈02:40 We Met Dancing on Stage at VidSummit 🕺04:04 Homeschool Myths & Secret Nerd Superpowers 🧠07:28 Polygamist Schoolhouse vs Southern Homeschool 🏡11:29 Teenage Money Ledgers & Hustling for Freedom 💸18:02 Sneaking Jobs, Cash & Forbidden Wendy’s 🍔23:41 Why You Can’t Tell Everyone Your Good News 😶‍🌫️30:30 No Proms, No Dancing, No Pants: Control 101 💃🚫43:35 “I Started YouTube So People Would Finally Like Me” 📹49:12 Screwed Windows, No Locked Doors & Punishing Autonomy 🔒1:09:35 250 Amazon Videos & The Great Escape Car 🚗1:21:00 Turning Homeschool Trauma Into Comedy & Cash 🎭1:28:39 You’re Not Late—All the Rules Are Made Up ⏰