Drift: The Silent Marriage Killer You Don’t See Coming

Drift: The Silent Marriage Killer You Don’t See Coming

This week, I want to discuss drift.  It’s common to drift in our lives. If we aren’t focused on something, we tend to drift. If we’re overly focused on something, we may drift in other areas.  In some parts of our lives, drift is not an issue. But it’s a major problem when it happens in our marriage relationship. Husband and wife on different rafts in the ocean drifting apart. [http://doingmarriagewell.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/07/07-07-2025.jpg] The danger of drift is it happens naturally and slowly. The change is so small over short periods of time we don’t see or feel it. But small bits of drift can add up to significant distance over longer periods of time. One way to avoid this is to set benchmarks. Less of something, or less time doing something, is usually a sign of drift. Not recalling when you last did something you used to do often is another sign. Think about how you used to be, and compare that to how you are now. Do you see drift? ~ This is Paul, warning that drift unchecked can end a marriage. [http://doingmarriagewell.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/02/flourish.jpg] Widget’s friend came over to get away from fireworks. Dogs [http://doingmarriagewell.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/07/07-07b-2025-600x400.jpg] Widget, who is fine with fireworks, couldn’t figure out why her friend wouldn’t play with her. Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai [https://ideogram.ai/] & Paul Byerly Shop Amazon [https://amzn.to/42bBWiZ] We’re donation supported [http://bit.ly/give2P-n-L] Thanks for your help! This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure [https://doingmarriagewell.com/the-legal-stuff/#affiliates] for info. The post Drift: The Silent Marriage Killer You Don’t See Coming [https://doingmarriagewell.com/2025/07/07/drift-the-silent-marriage-killer-you-dont-see-coming/] first appeared on Doing Marriage Well [https://doingmarriagewell.com]. The post Drift: The Silent Marriage Killer You Don’t See Coming [https://doingmarriagewell.com/2025/07/07/drift-the-silent-marriage-killer-you-dont-see-coming/] appeared first on Doing Marriage Well [https://doingmarriagewell.com].

Marriage Tipping Points: Unlocking Sexual Health

Our original tipping point post was made by my wife, thirteen years ago. In Tip Me Over [https://www.the-generous-wife.com/2012/03/23/tip-me-over/], she talked about all the things from her childhood and early adult years that made sex a problem for her. Because she was intentional about becoming sexually healthy, “Over the years I learned not to fear sex and then even to enjoy it some. It was still a struggle at times, but it was getting better and better and I figured it would keep on that way.” Then, as she put it, “something happened” and “sex became easy, fun and very good, almost like someone flipped a switch.” She had reached a tipping point. The “something” that had happened was actually a great many somethings that finally outweighed the mass of negative sexual stuff she’d had dumped on her. A couple in bed. The man is asleep. The woman is thinking "That was easy. And good!" [http://doingmarriagewell.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/07/07-04-2025.jpg] On The Marriage Bed forum [https://www.themarriagebed.net/], it has been called a sexual awakening. It’s not a bad description, but it misses the years of effort behind that “sudden change”. Sex is like anything else in our marriages; changes are slow, and are usually the result of a tipping point. Getting there takes a steady stream of removing bad and/or adding good. The same thing is going to be true for getting free of porn. Not looking is a great step, but it’s only the start. Your mind is still filled with what you saw, and it will affect what you think and desire. You can guard against acting on those things, but they will still be there. It gets better slowly, and then “suddenly” a tipping point, and it all changes. No longer viewing porn, and choosing not to think about what you saw, is only half of it. You have to build good sexual experiences to offset the bad stuff. As the amount of good grows, a tipping point becomes inevitable. ~ This is Paul, and tipping points are important for a healthy sex life. [http://doingmarriagewell.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/02/flourish.jpg] Still working on the irrigation system. Flamingo overseeing installation of irrigation system. [http://doingmarriagewell.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/07/07-04b-2025.jpg] Not sure about the pink bird looking on. I don’t think that’s local. Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai [https://ideogram.ai/] & Paul Byerly Shop Amazon [https://amzn.to/42bBWiZ] We’re donation supported [http://bit.ly/give2P-n-L] Thanks for your help! This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure [https://doingmarriagewell.com/the-legal-stuff/#affiliates] for info. The post Marriage Tipping Points: Unlocking Sexual Health [https://doingmarriagewell.com/2025/07/04/marriage-tipping-points-unlocking-sexual-health/] first appeared on Doing Marriage Well [https://doingmarriagewell.com]. The post Marriage Tipping Points: Unlocking Sexual Health [https://doingmarriagewell.com/2025/07/04/marriage-tipping-points-unlocking-sexual-health/] appeared first on Doing Marriage Well [https://doingmarriagewell.com].

Tipping Points: Using Affirmation for Positive Change

As I have already said, relationship tipping points can lead to good or bad things. Learning to cause good tipping points is a powerful marriage tool. One good way to use this is to offset years or decades of negative messages your spouse received from their family or friends. In this case, you didn’t put the rocks on the downside of the balance beam, which means you can’t remove them. But you can steadily put rocks on the other side until it changes the balance. A couple in their bathroom. She is thinking "Im ugly" while he is telling her she is beautiful. [http://doingmarriagewell.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/06/07-03-2025.jpg] If your wife was repeatedly told she was stupid growing up, telling her in multiples ways, as often possible, that she is smart will eventually make a change.  If your husband was told men are monsters over and over growing up, telling him is wonderful and safe won’t fix that overnight. But keep doing it, especially in front of others, and you will eventually see him tip over. These things were built over years, with many rocks on the wrong side. So it will take years to add enough rocks to the good side to make a change. It can be discouraging because you can’t tell how close the tipping point is, but stick with it.  ~ This is Paul, reminding you that building your spouse up is Doing Marriage VERY Well. [http://doingmarriagewell.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/02/flourish.jpg] A picture of Snoqualmie Falls I took on the way to the Tulip festival back in April. Snoqualmie Falls [http://doingmarriagewell.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/07/07-03b-2025.jpg] Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai [https://ideogram.ai/] & Paul Byerly Shop Amazon [https://amzn.to/42bBWiZ] We’re donation supported [http://bit.ly/give2P-n-L] Thanks for your help! This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure [https://doingmarriagewell.com/the-legal-stuff/#affiliates] for info. The post Tipping Points: Using Affirmation for Positive Change [https://doingmarriagewell.com/2025/07/03/tipping-points-using-affirmation-for-positive-change/] first appeared on Doing Marriage Well [https://doingmarriagewell.com]. The post Tipping Points: Using Affirmation for Positive Change [https://doingmarriagewell.com/2025/07/03/tipping-points-using-affirmation-for-positive-change/] appeared first on Doing Marriage Well [https://doingmarriagewell.com].

Tipping Points: When Complaints Stop

Given how difficult it can be to reverse a relational tipping point, wisdom suggests we should try to catch a situation before it tips. More than once, Lori and I have dealt with a couple where one had reached a tipping point, and no longer cared about their marriage. They were done, and there was no changing their mind. If their spouse suddenly became all they had always wanted, it would not matter; not even if they thought the change was real and permanent. A man and woman reading in their living room. The man is thinking "She's over it", while the woman is thinking "He'll never change". [http://doingmarriagewell.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/06/07-02-2025.jpg] Part of the reason people are blind sided by such things is the very wrong idea that receiving no complaints from your spouse means everything is okay. When some behaviour continues despite being addressed multiple times, most people eventually stop mentioning it. That does not mean it’s suddenly okay. Rather, it is the result of resignation. The next step is trying to live with it. If that fails, all that is left is divorce or living as roommates. If your spouse stops complaining about something, that is a HUGE red flag. It means you could be on the verge of a tipping point that will significantly hurt or end your marriage.  ~ This is Paul, warning you that “no news” can very bad news. [http://doingmarriagewell.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/02/flourish.jpg] I’ve been working on the watering system for the community garden. Watering System [http://doingmarriagewell.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/07/07-02b-2025.jpg] Beats watering the weeds! Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai [https://ideogram.ai/] & Paul Byerly Shop Amazon [https://amzn.to/42bBWiZ] We’re donation supported [http://bit.ly/give2P-n-L] Thanks for your help! This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure [https://doingmarriagewell.com/the-legal-stuff/#affiliates] for info. The post Tipping Points: When Complaints Stop [https://doingmarriagewell.com/2025/07/02/tipping-points-when-complaints-stop/] first appeared on Doing Marriage Well [https://doingmarriagewell.com]. The post Tipping Points: When Complaints Stop [https://doingmarriagewell.com/2025/07/02/tipping-points-when-complaints-stop/] appeared first on Doing Marriage Well [https://doingmarriagewell.com].

Adding Good to Restore Relationship Balance

If you want to move a balance beam scale, you either add weight to the side that is up, or remove weight from the side that is down. The same is generally true with tipping points in relationships, but it’s not always as simple as it would be for a physical scale. There are some things you can’t remove. Or should not. For example, your job may be a source of frustration in your marriage, but you have to pay the bills. You might be able to make things better by a job change, but that can take time. Or perhaps you need to simplify your life so you can get by on less income before you change jobs. Again, this will take time. If you can’t remove the things causing problems, then you have to add good things. Possibly, a great many good things. A woman lifting a rock labelled "Good Will" from a balance beam. [http://doingmarriagewell.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/06/07-01-2025.jpg] As I said yesterday, relational tipping points usually can’t be easily or quickly reversed. This is because relational tipping points have an emotional impact on us. If it’s a good change, we will continue to feel good, even if there is a short term loss of some of what brought about the change. And if it’s a bad change, we will not be effected by even a substantial addition to the “good” side of balance. The mechanism here is the loss of good will and the benefit of the doubt. These things were weights on the “good” side. When the tipping point was reached, those things were removed from the balance by your spouse. And getting those things put back on is difficult and won’t happen quickly. ~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Marriage Well looks different for every couple. [http://doingmarriagewell.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/02/flourish.jpg] We added dahlias to our bulb and tuber garden, and have our first bloom. Our first dahlia [http://doingmarriagewell.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/06/07-01b-2025.jpg] We will have to lift the tubers for winter, as it’s too cold here for them. But I think it’s worth the effort. Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai [https://ideogram.ai/] & Paul Byerly Shop Amazon [https://amzn.to/42bBWiZ] We’re donation supported [http://bit.ly/give2P-n-L] Thanks for your help! This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure [https://doingmarriagewell.com/the-legal-stuff/#affiliates] for info. The post Adding Good to Restore Relationship Balance [https://doingmarriagewell.com/2025/07/01/adding-good-to-restore-relationship-balance/] first appeared on Doing Marriage Well [https://doingmarriagewell.com]. The post Adding Good to Restore Relationship Balance [https://doingmarriagewell.com/2025/07/01/adding-good-to-restore-relationship-balance/] appeared first on Doing Marriage Well [https://doingmarriagewell.com].