Still in Your Jealousy Hangover? Try This. EP 136

What Your Hardest Feelings Are Trying To Tell You w/ Daniel Smith EP 137

Purchase Daniels Book -  Hard Feelings: Finding the Wisdom in Our Darkest Emotions [https://amzn.to/4vgeNbQ] In this episode of Top Self, Shanenn sits down with psychotherapist and New York Times bestselling author Daniel Smith to explore a question most of us never stop to ask: What if the emotions you're trying hardest to get rid of are actually trying to help you? Whether it's jealousy, shame, envy, regret, or anxiety, many of us spend our lives chasing relief—seeking reassurance, distracting ourselves, or trying to think our way out of uncomfortable feelings. But according to Daniel, our darkest emotions aren't problems to eliminate. They're messengers carrying important information about who we are, what we fear, and what needs our attention. Together, Shanenn and Daniel talk about why self-criticism often causes more damage than the original emotion, how shame keeps us trapped in painful cycles, and why curiosity may be one of the most powerful tools for healing. If you've ever wondered why you keep having the same emotional reactions despite knowing "better," this conversation is for you. Golden Episode Nuggets: 💎 Emotions are messengers, not enemies 💎 The feeling itself is rarely the problem—our resistance to it often is 💎 Shame says "there's something wrong with me," not simply "I did something wrong" 💎 Self-hatred is not an effective strategy for personal growth 💎 Curiosity creates space where judgment creates suffering 💎 Understanding yourself is often more powerful than trying to fix yourself 💎 The goal isn't to never feel difficult emotions again—it's to relate to them differently About Our Guest: Daniel Smith is a psychotherapist, journalist, and New York Times bestselling author of Monkey Mind. His latest book, Hard Feelings: Finding the Wisdom in Our Darkest Emotions, explores emotions such as shame, envy, regret, despair, and annoyance—revealing how these often-misunderstood feelings can become powerful sources of self-understanding and growth. Through personal stories, psychological insight, and cultural exploration, Daniel challenges the idea that difficult emotions should simply be eliminated and instead invites us to learn from them. Resources Mentioned: Hard Feelings: Finding the Wisdom in Our Darkest Emotions by Daniel Smith Monkey Mind by Daniel Smith The Buddhist Parable of the Second Arrow Quote of the Episode: "Emotions don't come because they're trying to attack us. Emotions come because they have meaning and because they have purpose." – Daniel Smith Key Moments: • 2:00 – Why our desperate search for emotional relief often backfires • 5:00 – The Buddhist "Second Arrow" and how we create unnecessary suffering • 9:00 – Why understanding the "why" behind your feelings isn't always enough • 12:00 – The difference between shame and guilt • 16:00 – How curiosity can reduce emotional suffering • 21:00 – Why talking about shame weakens its grip • 24:00 – The hidden ways regret helps us avoid the present • 33:00 – Why shame may be the most painful emotion of all • 38:00 – How childhood experiences shape our emotional patterns as adults Schedule your FREE Discovery Call [https://calendly.com/top_self/personalcoachingdiscoverycall]to see how I can help. Check us out on YouTube [https://www.youtube.com/@topselfco] and make sure to subscribe Grab the 5 Must-Haves To Overcome Jealousy [https://www.topself.com/5%20Musts] Disclaimer The information on this podcast or any platform affiliated with Top Self LLC, or the Top Self podcast is for informational and entertainment purposes only.  No material associated with Top Self podcast is intended to be a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment,  Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care provider with any questions you may have regarding your condition or treatment and before taking on or performing any of the activities or suggestions discussed on the podcast or website.

Still in Your Jealousy Hangover? Try This. EP 136

You messed up. You spiraled. You said something you wish you could take back. And now you feel terrible — which actually means you're doing something right. Feeling bad after a jealous episode is healthy. It means you care. But there's a difference between feeling bad and living there. And if you're someone who stays in the spiral for hours, days, or even weeks after a jealous episode — replaying it, shutting down, telling yourself you're broken and unlovable — this episode is for you. Because here's what that extended spiral is actually costing you. It's not just making you miserable. It's reinforcing the belief that jealousy is who you are. It's keeping the incident alive in your relationship long after it should be over. And it's exhausting your partner in ways you might not even realize. Today Shanenn introduces the Pity Timer — a simple, deliberate tool for feeling your feelings fully without letting them swallow the next three days of your life. This isn't about stuffing it down or pretending it didn't happen. It's about giving your guilt its time, and then making a choice to move forward. In this episode: Why staying in the spiral actually reinforces jealous behavior What your partner experiences when you're still "off" days later Why moving on fast doesn't mean you don't care How to use the Pity Timer to actually close the loop What to do when the spiral tries to come back 00:00 Stop Letting the Spiral Run Your Life 02:14 How the Spiral Builds a Case Against You 05:19 How Your Guilt Is Hurting Your Partner 08:01 Why You Can't Just Stop Feeling Bad 10:29 How to Use the Pity Timer 13:02 What to Do During the Window 14:37 When the Timer Goes Off Schedule your FREE Discovery Call [https://calendly.com/top_self/personalcoachingdiscoverycall]to see how I can help. Check us out on YouTube [https://www.youtube.com/@topselfco] and make sure to subscribe Grab the 5 Must-Haves To Overcome Jealousy [https://www.topself.com/5%20Musts] Disclaimer The information on this podcast or any platform affiliated with Top Self LLC, or the Top Self podcast is for informational and entertainment purposes only.  No material associated with Top Self podcast is intended to be a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment,  Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care provider with any questions you may have regarding your condition or treatment and before taking on or performing any of the activities or suggestions discussed on the podcast or website.

Still Mad. Still Wrong. Here's Why. EP 135

You knew you were wrong the second he flipped that phone around. Nothing suspicious. Just a bacon recipe. And somehow you were still annoyed at him. That feeling has a name — and once you understand it, you can’t unsee it. You’ve done the spiral. You built the whole case in your head. And then the truth came out and it was… a bacon recipe. You know you were wrong. They know you were wrong. And somehow you’re still a little irritated at them. This episode is about that moment — the one most people blow right past. Shanenn breaks down the shame-anger switch, why relief doesn’t always show up when it should, and how to actually recover without making it worse. Golden Episode Nuggets: 💎 Your jealous brain doesn’t file ambiguity as neutral — it skips straight to the most threatening interpretation 💎 Relief doesn’t always show up when you’re proven wrong — sometimes you get a stomach drop instead 💎 Guilt says “I did something bad.” Shame says “I am bad.” Those lead to very different places. 💎 That flicker of anger toward your innocent partner? It’s shame looking for an exit — not really about them at all 💎 A real apology doesn’t need a “because” attached to it Resources Mentioned: 30 Days to Different — Shanenn’s program for breaking jealousy and insecurity patterns Schedule your FREE Discovery Call [https://calendly.com/top_self/personalcoachingdiscoverycall]to see how I can help. Check us out on YouTube [https://www.youtube.com/@topselfco] and make sure to subscribe Grab the 5 Must-Haves To Overcome Jealousy [https://www.topself.com/5%20Musts] Disclaimer The information on this podcast or any platform affiliated with Top Self LLC, or the Top Self podcast is for informational and entertainment purposes only.  No material associated with Top Self podcast is intended to be a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment,  Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care provider with any questions you may have regarding your condition or treatment and before taking on or performing any of the activities or suggestions discussed on the podcast or website.

You're Already Living Worst Case Scenario EP 134

You’re Already Living the Worst Case Scenario What if the thing you’re most afraid of happening would actually hurt less than what you’re putting yourself through right now? It sounds hard to believe—but there’s real research behind it.  In this solo episode, Shanenn digs into why the jealous spiral itself is the worst-case scenario—not the thing you’re afraid of. You’re not waiting for the bad thing to happen. You’re already in it.  From Harvard psychologist Daniel Gilbert’s Impact Bias to the neuroscience of naming your fear, this episode is packed with science-backed insight and a simple 3-step tool (the Fog Lift) to help you stop the loop. Golden Episode Nuggets: 💎    You’re not waiting for the bad thing to happen. You are already in it. 💎    Vague fear gives you all the pain and none of the tools your brain would normally use to deal with it. 💎    The psychological immune system only activates for real events—the spiral has no off-ramp. 💎    Naming your specific fear literally shifts brain activity from reactive to regulated. 💎    The spiral has no arc, no end. It takes exactly as much as you give it. 💎    It’s all the cost and none of the outcome. Resources Mentioned: ·       Matthew Lieberman’s UCLA research – “Name it to tame it” (affect labeling and the amygdala) ·       Dan Siegel – Clinical professor at UCLA, coined “name it to tame it” ·       Top Self on YouTube – Subscribe and watch the show there   Quote of the Episode: “You’re not waiting for the bad thing to happen. You are already in it.” – Shanenn Bryant Leave a Review: 📝 Have you ever realized the spiral was costing you more than the thing you were afraid of? Leave a review and tell us - what’s one thing that shifted for you after listening? Schedule your FREE Discovery Call [https://calendly.com/top_self/personalcoachingdiscoverycall]to see how I can help. Check us out on YouTube [https://www.youtube.com/@topselfco] and make sure to subscribe Grab the 5 Must-Haves To Overcome Jealousy [https://www.topself.com/5%20Musts] Disclaimer The information on this podcast or any platform affiliated with Top Self LLC, or the Top Self podcast is for informational and entertainment purposes only.  No material associated with Top Self podcast is intended to be a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment,  Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care provider with any questions you may have regarding your condition or treatment and before taking on or performing any of the activities or suggestions discussed on the podcast or website.

What If Your "What Ifs" Were Wrong EP 133

You know that voice in your head—the one that takes a missed text or a sideways glance and turns it into a full-blown crisis? That's your What If Machine, and it's been running the show for way too long. In this episode, Shanenn breaks down why your brain defaults to worst-case scenarios, where those fear stories actually come from (spoiler: it's usually not your current partner), and how those protective instincts end up creating the exact outcome you're terrified of. She also walks you through a 5-step Evidence Check framework you can use the next time your brain tries to convince you that everything is falling apart—so you can figure out if you're dealing with a real red flag or just old fear wearing a new outfit. Golden Nuggets: 💡 Your brain's What If Machine isn't trying to ruin your relationship—it's running a protection program written long before this relationship existed. 💡 Vague fear is the most powerful kind. Once you name it, it gets smaller. 💡 In the absence of clear evidence, you're choosing an explanation—and if you consistently choose the scariest one, that's not logic, that's fear driving. 💡 Preparing for the worst doesn't protect you from the pain. It just means you experience the loss twice. 💡 Sometimes the What If Machine isn't protecting you from your partner—it's protecting you from hope. Resources Mentioned: * Episode 8 – Ashley Greer: Is This My Fear or Intuition? * The Power of ONE (Open to New Evidence/Explanations) * The 5-Step Evidence Check Framework Quote of the Episode: "Sometimes the scariest thing isn't the relationship falling apart. Sometimes the scariest thing is letting yourself fully trust it, fully relax into it, fully believe you're loved." — Shanenn Bryant Perfect for listeners who: * Wake up spiraling for no reason and can't turn it off * Know their jealousy is irrational but can't stop the loop * Have pushed a partner away with checking, testing, or accusations * Want a practical tool to use in the moment (not just "calm down") * Are trying to figure out if their fear is instinct or old wounds talking If this episode hit home, share it with someone who needs to hear it. And leave a review and let us know—what's one what if that's been running your relationship that you're ready to question? Schedule your FREE Discovery Call [https://calendly.com/top_self/personalcoachingdiscoverycall]to see how I can help. Check us out on YouTube [https://www.youtube.com/@topselfco] and make sure to subscribe Grab the 5 Must-Haves To Overcome Jealousy [https://www.topself.com/5%20Musts] Disclaimer The information on this podcast or any platform affiliated with Top Self LLC, or the Top Self podcast is for informational and entertainment purposes only.  No material associated with Top Self podcast is intended to be a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment,  Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care provider with any questions you may have regarding your condition or treatment and before taking on or performing any of the activities or suggestions discussed on the podcast or website.