The Barbarians

Why Me?

Do you have a case of the Byzantine Fire? Well, you should probably consult a medical professional about that. Jewel thief Gus Cardinale (Christopher Lambert) steals this coveted ruby amongst jewelry and diamonds. Gus’ partner Bruno (Christopher Lloyd) is delighted about their heist. Money is to be made! June (Kim Greist) is really hot and cold about it all. Also, she is Bruno’s daughter. Also, she is dating Gus. Could it get more complicated? Yes! Now, everyone wants ol’ B-Fire – this incudes Chief Inspector Francis Mahoney (J.T. Walsh), the Turkish government, terrorists and many more. RTS pitches an entire line of Lambert products. Special gatherings will never be the same. Jeremy tries to out-profane J.T. Walsh. It’s impossible! La-Mar lifts and swings a sack of cash – all one-dollar bills! Let’s take this to the local arcade. While everyone in the city is fighting among themselves, Collin goes with the old tried and tested smash and grab method. It works! If you get caught up in any of this, you might be asking “why me?”

The Nice Guys

In 1977, through a strange series of events, tough guy for hire, Jackson Healy (Russell Crowe), and PI Holland March (Ryan Gosling) team up to find a missing girl, Amelia (Margaret Qualley), and to unravel a mystery with a dead porn star. Somehow these two manage to get things done – most likely because Holland’s daughter, Holly (Angourie Rice), is the most sensible amongst them. In the background there are fights, conspiracies, acts of government corruption, strange protests against the air, John Boy (Matt Bomer) is gun happy and on the loose and there are glamorous porn star parties in mansions. RTS avoids falling from balconies, rooftops, etc… Jeremy cracks open a nice cold Yoohoo. It puts a slight dance in his step. La-Mar makes sure his cookie jar is full of bullets. You never know. Collin learns that all cars drive themselves. Just let go. If things get out of control, grab the ankle gun in your dreams.

Welcome to Collinwood

How could we not check this film out? Collin has welcomed us all – to his wooden ways. Cosimo (Greendale Community College Alum, Luis Guzmán) gets locked up and learns about the perfect heist from his cellmate. He just needs to get out to do it. He confides in his gal pal Rosalind (Patricia Clarkson) which leads to everyone knowing and wanting a piece for themselves. This includes Pero (Sam Rockwell), Riley (William H. Macy), Leon (Isaiah Washington) and Toto (Michael Jeter). This makes Cosimo angry, and he has a lot to say about everyone’s mothers. In the background, there’s a bit of romance between Pero and Carmela (Jennifer Esposito). Will anyone care? George Clooney is even doing some stuff here. RTS knows when there’s a real Bellini on the table. This isn’t it. Jeremy considers being a Mullinski but the price has to be just right. La-Mar finds hidden treasures in the cookie jar. Collin has already given you everything. He has welcomed you. Isn’t that enough for you? Don’t let this turn into a real Kapuchnik.

The Barbarians

In a fantasy land, it all comes down to who can control a magic ruby. You know a bunch of villains want this thing! Canary (Virgina Bryant) is taken captive by Kadar (Richard Lynch), and her band of traveling entertainers are either killed, or they have scattered into the woods. Luckily, Canary has hidden the ruby, but for how long will it stay secure? Enter the twin hunky boy glisten show! Gore (David Paul) and Kutchek (Peter Paul) traveled with Canary and were separated as kids. Once they reconnect and fight it out a bit, they decide to escape and to become do-gooders. Along the way, they meet up with Ismene (Eva LaRue) who has her own backstory going on. As the three travel together, evil beware! RTS loves obtaining magical weapons to fight a swamp dragon. GOO! Jeremy does and doesn’t want you to know about his mini crossbow. La-Mar develops a plan with China (Sheeba Alahani) to get the ruby for themselves. Get your swamp boots ready! Collin starts putting the ruby everywhere and on everyone to see if it glows. Eventually, it does! See ya at the harem.

Passenger 57

Authorities have finally caught international terrorist Charles Rane (Bruce Payne). The best thing to do is book him on a nice first-class flight to L.A. Seems like this guy needs a steak and a fun in-flight film. John Cutter (Wesley Snipes) has just accepted a new position in an anti-terrorism unit, and he is undercover on this flight. So, inevitably when this all goes bonkers quickly, Cutter will be on the case. He will also bicker with Marti (Alex Datcher) while terrorism runs rampant. It’s all about priorities. Sly Delvecchio (Tom Sizemore) looms in the background. RTS deboards the plane and immediately heads to the fairgrounds with Elizabeth Hurley. Let’s win her an oversized stuffed animal. Jeremy has a corndog and some funnel cake on a Ferris wheel. If there’s room, he might have a beer and a bratwurst later. La-Mar makes sure to order his airline sirloin bloody. It becomes questionable. Brendt goes reverse-Commando on a plane. He also updates his turquoise earring collection. Do you think most of this film will be on a plane? You’ll be betting on red if that is the case.