Gray Divorce, Adult Children, and the Myth That They'll Be Fine — with Dr. Carol Hughes

The Weight of Two Losses: A Child and a Marriage

Divorce coach Kelly Myers knows what it looks like when the system fails families — because she lived it. When Kelly and her husband divorced in 2011–2012, their three boys were six, eight, and ten years old. What followed was two years of litigation and more than $100,000 in legal costs — a path she didn't fully understand she was choosing when she stepped into it. In this candid and deeply personal conversation, Kelly shares how the "ecosystem of divorce" — mediators, attorneys, friends, and family — can fan the flames of conflict rather than help families restructure. Her mediator told her not to worry about financial inequities; her attorney didn't tell her that pursuing support modifications would reopen custody. The result: years of stress, resentment, and a version of herself she's not proud of — one who was yelling in the car on the way to her son's eighth-grade graduation, too overwhelmed to simply be present.           Kelly reflects on the turning point that came when she stopped focusing on what was fair and started asking what was right for her kids. She and her co-parent Blake eventually built a respectful, collaborative relationship — one that was tested profoundly when their son Jack passed away in June 2024 after years of struggle with mental health and addiction. Rather than letting grief pull them apart, Kelly and Blake came together to plan Jack's service, support their surviving sons, and hold each other through unimaginable loss. That experience crystallized for Kelly why this work matters so much. Now a certified divorce and co-parenting coach, Kelly helps clients understand the realities of the divorce system before they're swept into it — managing emotions outside of decision-making, building comprehensive parenting plans, and thinking about co-parenting not just as a legal arrangement but as a long-term business partnership in raising their children. Key themes in this episode: * How the divorce ecosystem — lawyers, mediators, social circles — shapes (and often inflames) outcomes * Why litigation risks are rarely explained to clients up front * The shift from "what's fair" to "what does my child's divorce story look like?" * Viewing co-parenting as a business partnership, not a custody arrangement * The difference between parenting 50% of the time and being a parent 100% of the time * Repairing the relationship with your kids — and yourself — even after difficult chapters * The gift of a co-parenting relationship strong enough to hold a family together through loss Resources & Websites Mentioned: * First Steps Divorce — Kelly Myers' coaching practice: firststepsdivorce.com [http://firststepsdivorce.com/] * The Good Divorce Podcast — hosted by Karen McNenny: karenmcnenny.com [http://karenmcnenny.com/] * The Good Divorce by Karen McNenny — available wherever books are sold

The Book Is in the World — Now the Real Work Begins (Part 3 of 3)

On April 26th, 2024, an email arrived asking Karen if she'd ever thought about writing a book. Exactly two years later to the day, a box of 300 copies landed on her front porch. In the final episode of this behind-the-scenes mini-series, Karen picks up where the manuscript ends and the movement begins. She talks about her first major book launch — a keynote for 250 HR professionals in her hometown — and why a room full of people who manage workplace breakups turned out to be exactly the right audience. She shares the moment she asked everyone touched by divorce to stand up, and how quickly almost the entire room was on its feet. She also makes the case for why this book belongs in HR offices, therapists' waiting rooms, and the hands of anyone who has ever loved someone going through a divorce — which, it turns out, is most of us. Karen also reads from the final chapter — The New — a quiet scene at a middle school choir concert where an offhand compliment from her ex-husband reminds her why they did all of this in the first place. Pick up your copy of The Good Divorce at karenmcnenny.com/the-good-divorce [https://www.karenmcnenny.com/the-good-divorce].

Tearing It Apart and Sewing It Back Together: Writing The Good Divorce (Part 2 of 3)

She had a book deal. Now she had to write the book. In Part 2 of this behind-the-scenes series, Karen walks through what it actually took to get The Good Divorce from outline to print — nine months of writing squeezed around a graduating son, a daughter heading to Europe, divorce clients, speaking gigs, and a single-income household with no one to walk the dog. She bought a van, hired back her ghostwriting team with money she didn't have, and spent the better part of three months writing from campgrounds across the Pacific Northwest. Then came the restructuring. Two days over Thanksgiving, alone with her golden retriever Moab, Karen spread the entire manuscript across her kitchen counter and dining room table — color-coded, categorized, and cut apart — before putting it back together into something that finally made sense. Thirty percent didn't make the cut. What followed was twelve days of around-the-clock rewriting alongside her developmental editor in South Africa, a copy editor who found corrections on every page, a design team, and a managing editor in India keeping all the plates spinning toward a May 19th release date. At the end of the show, Karen reads from Chapter Seven — The Community — on leaning into her people when the grief felt too big to carry alone, and the friend who gave her permission to stop pretending everything was bubbles and rainbows. Part 3 is next: the book is written. Now she has to sell it. 🔖 Pick up your copy of The Good Divorce at karenmcnenny.com/the-good-divorce [https://www.karenmcnenny.com/the-good-divorce].

The Book That Was Chasing Me: How The Good Divorce Found Its Way Into the World (Part 1 of 3)

At 18, Karen McNenny wrote in a pageant essay that her greatest ambition was to write a bestselling book. She had no idea what it would be about. She certainly never guessed divorce. In this first of three special episodes, Karen tells the origin story of The Good Divorce — from that Miss Montana essay to a publishing offer from Wiley/Jossey-Bass that arrived faster than anyone in the industry said it should. Along the way: a pandemic pivot, a stranger's persistent emails she almost ignored, two ghostwriters who flew to Missoula to squeeze her brain for two days, and a New York Times bestselling author who finally talked her off the ledge when the contract arrived and the reality of what she'd set in motion hit hard. She also reads from Chapter Four, “The Kids,” on preparing to deliver the hardest lines of her life to an audience of two.

Gray Divorce, Adult Children, and the Myth That They'll Be Fine — with Dr. Carol Hughes

What happens when parents wait until the kids are grown to divorce — and then discover their adult children are not fine with it? In this rich and eye-opening conversation, Karen sits down with Dr. Carol Hughes, clinical psychologist, two-time Fulbright Scholar, and one of the true pioneers of the collaborative divorce movement, to challenge one of the most pervasive myths in divorce: that adult children don't need the same care and intentionality that minor children do. Dr. Hughes shares the origin story of collaborative divorce — rooted in a single letter written on January 1, 1990 by Minnesota attorney Stu Webb, who declared he was "done going to court and destroying families" — and how that moment sparked a movement that has since trained over 25,000 collaborative professionals worldwide. Together, Karen and Dr. Hughes explore: * Loyalty binds — what they are, how they form, and why they damage children of all ages * The five F's — fight, flight, freeze, fawn, and feign — and how our neurological wiring pulls us toward conflict when we feel unsafe * Gray divorce — why divorce among adults 50 and older doubled between 1990 and 2012, and what research from Bowling Green State University predicts by 2030 * The biggest myth about adult children — why "they're adults, they can handle it" is not only wrong, but harmful * Family before finances — why starting with the children, not the money, leads to better outcomes for everyone * The "six-year-old within" — how adult children still carry the emotional vulnerability of their younger selves, even when they appear to be coping * Creating a divorce story — how parents can paint a picture of the future that reduces fear and uncertainty for their children * The statement of highest intentions — a collaborative divorce tool for helping couples get clear on what they actually want the process to look like * Practical guidance for gray divorcing parents: how to involve adult children collaboratively in planning holidays, family gatherings, and transitions — without burdening them or writing them out of the story Dr. Hughes also opens up about her own childhood experience of her parents' divorce — including a detail that will shock modern listeners — and how an unexpected phone call from a minor's counsel changed the entire direction of her career. Resources & Links Mentioned: * 📖 Dr. Carol Hughes' book: Home Will Never Be the Same Again: A Guide for Adult Children of Gray Divorce— available at Barnes & Noble [https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/home-will-never-be-the-same-again-carol-r-hughes/1133915607] and all major booksellers * 🌐 Dr. Hughes' divorce website: divorcepeacemaking.com [https://www.divorcepeacemaking.com/] * ✍️ Dr. Hughes and Psychology Today: Visit Psychology Today's guest blog [https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/contributors/carol-r-hughes-phd-lmft-and-bruce-r-fredenburg-ms-lmft] * 📖 Karen's book: The Good Divorce: How to End Your Marriage Without Ending Your Family [https://www.karenmcnenny.com/the-good-divorce/] * 🎓 The Good Divorce Academy: Karen's online community and classroom for ongoing support and education * 🌐 Work with Karen directly: thegooddivorcecoach.com [https://www.thegooddivorcecoach.com/] * 🤝 Collaborative Divorce Solutions of Orange County [https://cdsoc.com] * 🌍 International Academy of Collaborative Professionals [https://www.collaborativepractice.com] (IACP) — trains collaborative divorce professionals worldwide * 📖 Workbooks referenced: Our Family in Two Homes and A Family in a Few Homes — created by a Canadian collaborative divorce attorney for use with minor and adult children respectively "Divorce is not a weapon — it's a tool. And when used well, it can be a tool for transformation." — Karen McNaney