Episode 40: The Luxury of Not Knowing: A Friday Reflection on What Belle Burden's Strangers Is Really Asking You to Look At

Episode 42: Feeling Stuck After Listening to a Podcast? Do This to Make It Actually Change You

Which Version of You Is Running Your Life Right Now? Personal growth for women doesn't stick in the rush between the podcast and the laundry. This five-minute Friday episode gives what Tuesday's episode planted a little room to take root. Three honest questions. One sentence that changes how you see what you want. That's it. IN THIS EPISODE Which of the three selves from Identity Archaeology is actually driving your days right now The small thing you talked yourself out of — not the vision board dream, the quiet one What 5% looks like this week: not a plan, one specific move you've been putting off The Both/And sentence — how to want more without feeling like you don't appreciate what you have KEY TAKEAWAYS 1. The survival self, the achieving self, and the original self are all still in you. The question is which one is answering the emails. 2. Wanting more doesn't mean you don't appreciate what you have. It never did. 3. The permission was always yours. You've just been waiting for someone else to confirm what you already knew. TIMESTAMPS 00:00 Hook — something landed Tuesday 00:45 Question 1: which self is running your days? 01:45 Question 2: what did you talk yourself out of? 02:30 Question 3: what would 5% look like this week? 03:30 The Both/And sentence: I love ___ and I also want ___ 04:30 The Permission Audit + closing RESOURCES MENTIONED Take the Permission Audit (free, 10 questions, 10 minutes): audit.kileysuarez.com Book a Joy Shift Conversation: https://calendly.com/kileysuarez/clarity-session-kiley Listen on Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-joy-shift-midlife-reinvention-for-women-who-did/id1852594600 Listen on Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/7spVNSY3NfMmlI0Ij6MniY Related episode: Episode 41 — Identity Archaeology and the Three Selves ABOUT THE SHOW The Joy Shift is the podcast for women in midlife navigating the quiet gap between the life they built and the life they actually want. Real coaching frameworks, real conversations, no performance required. New episodes every Tuesday and Friday. INVITATION When you're ready to stop waiting for permission, start here: audit.kileysuarez.com Topics: personal growth for women, midlife reinvention, identity archaeology, feeling lost in midlife, self discovery journey, starting over at 50, Both/And, the 5% rule, women over 40, inner authority, permission to want more FULL TRANSCRIPT: Something landed Tuesday. Maybe you know exactly what it was. Maybe you just felt it and then your day moved in and then you're not sure what you. What you did with it. Either one is the right starting point for today. Welcome back to the Joy Shift. I'm Kylie Suarez. Friday episodes are shorter and they are built for one thing. Turning what you heard into something real. Not more information, just a little more space to let the work actually work. Today we are sitting with episode 41. If you have not listened yet, go back to it after you hear this one. And here's what I know about good podcast episodes. You listen, something stirs, and then life interrupts. The laundry, the email, the thing your kid needs. And you absorb it intellectually. But the feeling passes. How many of us actually do that? You don't know how many times? I'm inspired by a podcast and I'm like, what did I hear? That passing feeling that is the pivot. That is the exact moment the shift either takes root or it fades. And most of the time, without meaning to, we let it fade. So today, we're not letting it fade. We are going to move through three questions slowly. Not as a quiz, as a way of sitting with what you already know. Which self is running your days right now? On Tuesday, I introduced three versions of you. The survival self, who made smart, safe decisions when you needed to. The achieving self, who hit the goals but was working from someone else's definition of success. And the original self, who is still in there waiting quietly. Now, I'm not asking which one you want to be or who you prefer to be. I'm asking which one is actually driving today? Which one decides what you say yes to? Which one answers the emails? Which one shows up in the mirror at 6am Just notice, you do not have to fix anything yet. Now, question two. What did you talk yourself out of? Not the big dramatic dream, not the thing you would put on a vision board. The small one, the one that felt a little embarrassing to Juan. Actually, the one you filed under not practical, maybe someday, or that's not really me, that one. You don't have to say it out loud. That's just for you. But I want you to let yourself think it fully, maybe for the first time in a while, without immediately following it up with a reason of why not it's or it's not practical. Now question three. What would 5% look like this week? Not a plan, not a pivot. One specific thing. One hour or one morning, one conversation. You have been putting off one thing you have been telling yourself you will do when the timing is better. What is the smallest version of that move that you could actually make if you're driving or walking? Just let these questions sit. If you can, pull out a notebook. Write the answers before you talk yourself out of them. Three questions, three honest answers. That is the work today. There is one more thing I want to walk you through. I introduced it briefly on Tuesday and I want you to give it more room today. It is a sentence, two parts, and it sounds simple until you try to say it without flinching. Part one is something you love about your life right now. Not something you feel obligated to be grateful for. Something you actually love. Your people, your home, what you have built, who you have become. Something real. Part two is something you want alongside it, not instead of it alongside it. Now put them together so it sounds like this. This is the both and sentence. So I love blank and I also want blank. Say it once. Notice what happens in your body when you do. That sentence is not a complaint. It is not ingratitude. It is a declaration. Most of us were taught somewhere along the way that wanting more means you do not appreciate what you have. That is not true. It never was. The women who have the most meaningful second halves are not the ones who wanted less. They are the ones who finally stopped apologizing for wanting both. So if you sat with those three questions today and something is starting to clarify, I want to give you a next step that is more specific than keep thinking about it. I built a free quiz called the Permission audit. There are 10 questions about 10 minutes and it tells you which layer of the permission trap is most active for you right now and what to do about it. It is not generic. It is built around the frameworks that we have been discussing. The link is in the show notes. So take it before Tuesday. Let it do some of the work for you. You listened to two episodes this week. That is not an accident. It means that something in you is looking for permission to move. And I want to say this as directly as I can. You are not going to find it somewhere out there. Not in a quiz result, not in a clarity session and not another podcast episode. Not even in this one. The permission was always your yours. You have just been waiting for someone else to give it to you and to confirm what you have already known. So here it is from me to you on a Friday morning. You are not too late. You are paying attention. And paying attention is how everything starts. I'm Kiley Suarez. This is the Joy Shift So go. Have a wonderful weekend. I will See you Tuesday.

Episode 41: You Don't Have to Blow Up Your Life to Change It

You Don't Have to Blow Up Your Life to Change It If you've been telling yourself it's too late, that story isn't protecting you. It's keeping you small. This episode is for the woman who wakes up inside a life she built, a good life, an impressive life, and thinks is this it? — and then feels guilty for thinking it. You're not ungrateful. You're not crazy. You're paying attention. And the pivot you've been avoiding doesn't require starting over. It requires something harder and smaller at the same time: letting yourself want something out loud. In This Episode: * The Both/And framework — why you don't have to choose between what you've built and what you still want * Identity Archaeology: the three selves underneath the life you've been living (survival, achieving, original) * The permission trap — and why the approval you've been waiting for is never coming * Why starting at 45, 52, or 60 isn't a disadvantage — it's your competitive edge * The 5% Rule: the one practice that actually creates the shift without blowing up what's already working Key Takeaway: The women who make the most meaningful shifts in midlife aren't starting from scratch. They're starting from experience. There's a difference — and it's your entire edge. If This Episode Resonated: Start with the Permission Audit — 10 questions, 10 minutes, free. You'll find out exactly which layer of the permission trap is holding you back and what to do about it. → Take the Permission Audit (free): https://audit.kileysuarez.com/ [https://audit.kileysuarez.com/] If something in this episode hit somewhere real and you're ready to stop having this conversation in private, I'd love to talk. A Joy Shift Conversation is a free 30-minute call — just the right questions, no agenda except to look clearly at what's actually in the way. → Book a Joy Shift Conversation: calendly.com/kileysuarez/clarity-session-kiley [https://calendly.com/kileysuarez/clarity-session-kiley] Connect with Kiley: Website: kileysuarez.com Instagram: @iamkileysuarez 1. The Joy Shift is for accomplished women who are ready to stop asking "Is this all there is?" and start building what's next — without blowing up what they've built. The Permission Audit [https://audit.kileysuarez.com/]: Not sure what's actually in your way? Take the free 10-question Permission Audit [https://audit.kileysuarez.com/]. In about 10 minutes, you'll get a custom map of which layer of the Permission Trap is holding you back — and what to do about it. Link is in the show notes. https://audit.kileysuarez.com/ Want to Work Together? If this episode landed and you're ready to stop circling and actually move, a Clarity Call is a good next step. It's a focused conversation about where you are, where you want to go, and whether The Joy Shift Experience is the right fit. Book your call: calendly.com/kileysuarez/clarity-session-kiley Are you ready to finally give yourself permission to want more? 🙌 👉 https://kileysuarez.myflodesk.com/newsletter [https://kileysuarez.myflodesk.com/newsletter]— Sign up for my FREE newsletter and start shifting from "I should be grateful" to "I can have this too." 🩷 And if you haven't yet, take two seconds and hit the Follow button right here so you never miss an episode. It means the world to me, truly. Whether you found this show on your own or someone who loves you sent it your way, welcome to The Joy Shift podcast family. This episode is not just for you. Please share it with every woman in your life who is successful on paper but still searching for something more. It could change everything for her. It is such an honor to do this work alongside you. And please note: I am not a licensed therapist, and this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. 📺 Subscribe to the YouTube Channel [https://www.youtube.com/@kileysuarez] Follow me here: Instagram [http://instagram.com/iamkileysuarez] TikTok [https://www.tiktok.com/@thejoyshiftpodcast] Facebook [https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=61585174122548] Website [http://kileysuarez.com/] Substack [https://substack.com/@kileysuarez] Sign up for The Joy Shift newsletter at https://kileysuarez.myflodesk.com/newsletter [https://kileysuarez.myflodesk.com/newsletter]

Episode 40: The Luxury of Not Knowing: A Friday Reflection on What Belle Burden's Strangers Is Really Asking You to Look At

This is the Friday reflection companion to The Strangers Phenomenon — Kiley's episode on Belle Burden's number one bestselling memoir, Strangers: A Memoir of Marriage. You do not need to have listened to Tuesday's episode first. But if you have not, this is a good reason to go back. On Tuesday, Kiley unpacked the pattern at the heart of Belle Burden's story: how accomplished women quietly lose their power through small choices that felt reasonable at the time. Today, she slows it down. Three prompts. Three places to look. No answers required — just a willingness to notice. The first prompt is built around the phrase that stayed with Kiley from Belle's book: the luxury of not knowing. Belle used it to describe how she let her husband handle all the finances — the accounts, the passwords, the assets — because it felt like someone else was carrying that burden. But not knowing is not neutral. It looks like peace from the inside. It is actually exposure. And most of us have at least one area of our lives where we have agreed, quietly, not to look too closely. The second prompt is about the role of Belle the Good. The woman who manages the emotional temperature. Who smooths things over, absorbs, accommodates, makes herself smaller so everyone else has more room. Most of us play this role somewhere. Most of the time we did not consciously choose it. It just became the shape of things. The question is not whether you have been the Good One. The question is whether being the Good One has cost you something you did not intend to give up. The third prompt is about what Belle finally refused to do: carry someone else's shame. Her grandmother Babe Paley did it. Her mother did it. Belle herself did, at first. They absorbed the weight of men who behaved badly and stayed silent, because silence felt like the honorable thing. But silence does not neutralize shame. It just determines who holds it. What are you holding quietly that was never actually yours? This is a slow episode. A sitting-still episode. Give yourself the space to actually feel it. What you will walk away with: * Clarity on the one area of your life where you have been living in the luxury of not knowing * A way to identify where being 'the Good One' has cost you your own voice * Permission to put down what was never yours to carry — without guilt, without disloyalty * Three reflection prompts drawn directly from Belle Burden's Strangers, applied to your own life * One clear next step if something came up that you are ready to take somewhere Kiley Suarez is a certified life coach, CPA, and romance author based in Puerto Rico. She is the creator of The Joy Shift Experience, a six-month coaching container for accomplished women who are ready to stop living small. If something came up in this episode that you are ready to take somewhere, book a complimentary Clarity Call with Kiley at calendly.com/kileysuarez/clarity-session-kiley TIME. CHAPTER TITLE 0:00 Welcome to Friday: Slowing Down After Strangers by Belle Burden 1:30 Prompt 1: The Luxury of Not Knowing — Where Are You Choosing Not to Look? 6:00. What 'Not Knowing' Really Costs You — Financially and Beyond 9:30. The Area You Have Quietly Agreed Not to Look at Too Closely 12:30. Prompt 2: Belle the Good — Where Are You Playing This Role? 17:00 When Being the Good One Becomes the Reason You Can't Be the Real One 20:30 Prompt 3: Whose Shame Are You Carrying? (Babe Paley and Belle's Grandmother) 25:00. Silence Does Not Neutralize Shame. It Just Determines Who Holds It. 28:00. What to Do If Something Came Up in This Episode RESOURCES & LINKS Book referenced: Strangers: A Memoir of Marriage by Belle Burden Tuesday companion episode: The Strangers Phenomenon — What Belle Burden's Bestselling Memoir Is Really Saying to Women in Midlife Book a complimentary Clarity Call: calendly.com/kileysuarez/clarity-session-kiley [https://calendly.com/kileysuarez/clarity-session-kiley] Are you ready to finally give yourself permission to want more? 🙌 👉 https://kileysuarez.myflodesk.com/newsletter [https://kileysuarez.myflodesk.com/newsletter]— Sign up for my FREE newsletter and start shifting from "I should be grateful" to "I can have this too." 🩷 And if you haven't yet, take two seconds and hit the Follow button right here so you never miss an episode. It means the world to me, truly. Whether you found this show on your own or someone who loves you sent it your way, welcome to The Joy Shift podcast family. This episode is not just for you. Please share it with every woman in your life who is successful on paper but still searching for something more. It could change everything for her. It is such an honor to do this work alongside you. And please note: I am not a licensed therapist, and this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. 📺 Subscribe to the YouTube Channel [https://www.youtube.com/@kileysuarez] Follow me here: Instagram [http://instagram.com/iamkileysuarez] TikTok [https://www.tiktok.com/@thejoyshiftpodcast] Facebook [https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=61585174122548] Website [http://kileysuarez.com/] Substack [https://substack.com/@kileysuarez] Sign up for The Joy Shift newsletter at https://kileysuarez.myflodesk.com/newsletter [https://kileysuarez.myflodesk.com/newsletter]

Episode 39: The Vagueness You've Been Choosing — And What It's Actually Costing You

The Vagueness You've Been Choosing — And What It's Actually Costing You You've probably already heard about Belle Burden's memoir. Women aren't just reading it — they're pressing physical copies into each other's hands, sending it in group texts, calling each other after finishing it at 2am. That doesn't happen because of a good story. It happens because a book names something that didn't have language before. This episode isn't a book review. It's a look at the pattern Belle's story reveals — one that most accomplished women in midlife know from the inside, whether they've lived through a betrayal or not. In This Episode: * What "Belle the Good" actually represents — and why you probably recognize her * The vagueness women choose because it feels safer than asking the real question * Why staying disengaged from your own finances (or your own life) isn't trust — it's self-abandonment * What Kiley's version of the vagueness looked like in her own marriage and career * Why the Joy Shift doesn't require a crisis — you can choose to look now, while it's still quiet Key Takeaway: You can't get back the years you spent choosing not to know. But you can decide right now that you're done trading your own knowing for someone else's management. If This Episode Resonated: Send this one to someone you're already thinking of — the woman in your life who's been "the good one" for longer than she should have been. She needs to hear it. And if something in here stirred a real question about your own life, I'd love to sit with that together. A Joy Shift Conversation is a free 30-minute call — no agenda except to look clearly at where you are and what's actually available to you from here. → Book a Joy Shift Conversation: calendly.com/kileysuarez/clarity-session-kiley [https://calendly.com/kileysuarez/clarity-session-kiley] → Take the Permission Audit (free): https://audit.kileysuarez.com/ [https://audit.kileysuarez.com/] Connect with Kiley: Website: kileysuarez.com Instagram: @iamkileysuarez The Joy Shift is for accomplished women who are ready to stop asking "Is this all there is?" and start building what's next — without blowing up what they've built.. Whether you found this show on your own or someone who loves you sent it your way, welcome to The Joy Shift podcast family. This episode is not just for you. Please share it with every woman in your life who is successful on paper but still searching for something more. It could change everything for her. It is such an honor to do this work alongside you. And please note: I am not a licensed therapist, and this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. 📺 Subscribe to the YouTube Channel [https://www.youtube.com/@kileysuarez] Follow me here: Instagram [http://instagram.com/iamkileysuarez] TikTok [https://www.tiktok.com/@thejoyshiftpodcast] Facebook [https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=61585174122548] Website [http://kileysuarez.com/] Substack [https://substack.com/@kileysuarez] Sign up for The Joy Shift newsletter at https://kileysuarez.myflodesk.com/newsletter [https://kileysuarez.myflodesk.com/newsletter]

Episode 38: Where Is Midlife Asking You to Back Yourself? Identity, Body & Relationships After 40

You’ve been telling yourself that feeling invisible is just part of getting older, that your body is betraying you, and that the distance in your relationships is just how things are now. Here is the truth: those aren't malfunctions. They are messages. Midlife isn't asking you to settle—it’s asking you to stop editing yourself down and start backing yourself. In this Friday Reflection episode, we are slowing down to let Tuesday’s teaching settle. There is nothing you have to solve right now, and nothing you have to figure out. We are simply going to sit with three quiet questions about your identity, your body, and your relationships.What This Episode Gives You: •The Identity Audit: How to recognize where you are showing up as a smaller version of yourself—not because you were asked to, but because it became a habit. •The Body Translation: Why your body’s changing responses aren't a failure of your "maintenance schedule," but a request you've been too busy to hear. •The Relationship Reality Check: How to honestly assess which relationships have room for the woman you are becoming, without needing to force a confrontation. "Knowing changes nothing. Choosing changes everything." IF YOU HAVEN'T LISTENED TO EPISODE 37 YET: This is the companion reflection to Episode 37: Where Is Midlife Asking You to Back Yourself? In that episode, we broke down the three areas where midlife demands a shift: Identity, Body, and Relationships. We talked about why feeling invisible isn't decline, why your body isn't betraying you, and the reality of "meno divorce." You don't need to hear it to do today's practice, but it is the foundation for these questions. [Listen to Episode 37 [https://the-joy-shift-with-kiley.captivate.fm/episode/backing-yourself-in-midlife-why-accomplished-women-feel-invisible-and-what-to-do-about-it/]here]. THE PRACTICE: THREE QUIET PROMPTS Find a quiet place. Take a breath. Let your shoulders drop. You do not need perfect answers to these questions. Just notice what your body does when you hear them. 1.Identity: Where in your life are you showing up as a smaller version of yourself than who you actually are? 2.Body: If your body could say one thing to you right now, what do you think it would be? 3.Relationships: Think of one relationship in your life. Does it have room for who you are becoming? If one of these questions landed somewhere real for you—if it touched something you have been quietly carrying—don't let it slip away. Write it down. Say it out loud. The women who are closest to their next shift are the ones who stop dismissing what they notice. Ready to Back Yourself? If you are ready to do something with what you noticed today, let's talk. A Clarity Call is a complimentary one-hour conversation where we look at exactly where you are, what is in the way, and what backing yourself could actually look like for you specifically. Share This Episode. If you know a woman who has been pushing through for a long time and needs permission to just stop and listen to her own life, send her this episode. You probably know exactly who I mean. Are you ready to finally give yourself permission to want more? 🙌 👉 https://kileysuarez.myflodesk.com/newsletter [https://kileysuarez.myflodesk.com/newsletter]— Sign up for my FREE newsletter and start shifting from "I should be grateful" to "I can have this too." 🩷 And if you haven't yet, take two seconds and hit the Follow button right here so you never miss an episode. It means the world to me, truly. Whether you found this show on your own or someone who loves you sent it your way, welcome to The Joy Shift podcast family. This episode is not just for you. Please share it with every woman in your life who is successful on paper but still searching for something more. It could change everything for her. It is such an honor to do this work alongside you. And please note: I am not a licensed therapist, and this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. 📺 Subscribe to the YouTube Channel [https://www.youtube.com/@kileysuarez] Follow me here: Instagram [http://instagram.com/iamkileysuarez] TikTok [https://www.tiktok.com/@thejoyshiftpodcast] Facebook [https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=61585174122548] Website [http://kileysuarez.com/] Substack [https://substack.com/@kileysuarez] Sign up for The Joy Shift newsletter at https://kileysuarez.myflodesk.com/newsletter [https://kileysuarez.myflodesk.com/newsletter] Companies mentioned in this episode: * Michigan Menopause Report * Menno divorce trend