Why Love Doesn’t Feel Safe for Adoptees (And How to Change It)

Why Adoptees Disconnect from Themselves (And How Curiosity Helps)

Links & Resources Schedule a Connection Call with Me [https://calendar.app.google/CHajVJ8EkdqiPSHj9] Understanding Your Nervous System: A Guide for Adoptees and Those Who Love Them [https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/understanding-your-nervous-system-a-guide-for/id1849822021?i=1000758846244] Summary In this first episode of a brand-new series inspired by Julie Brumley’s workshop The Art of Cultivating Belonging: Returning to the Body After the Story, Julie explores the first condition that helps self-belonging begin to emerge: Curiosity. As adoptees - and honestly, as people shaped by trauma - many of us learned to immediately judge, suppress, explain, minimize, or abandon what we feel. But curiosity interrupts judgment. It creates space to notice what is happening inside us without immediately trying to fix it. In this episode, Julie shares: * how adoptees become skilled at reading everyone else while disconnecting from themselves * why hypervigilance, people-pleasing, performance, and emotional suppression are survival adaptations * the difference between asking “What’s wrong with me?” and “What happened in me?” * why the body often tells the truth before the mind can explain it * and how healing begins not through force… but through noticing Julie also guides listeners through a gentle somatic noticing practice designed to help reconnect with sensation, safety, and self-awareness in a nervous-system sustainable way. Because belonging is not something we think our way into. It’s something the body slowly learns it can build internally. Keywords adoption, adoptee healing, curiosity, belonging, nervous system, somatic healing, trauma, hypervigilance, emotional suppression, self-awareness, embodiment, identity, self-belonging Key Topics * The five conditions that cultivate self-belonging * Curiosity as the first condition of healing * Hypervigilance, shape-shifting, and adaptation in adoptees * Why love may not have felt safe in early life * The body’s role in healing and self-awareness * Learning to notice without fixing or judging * Reconnecting to sensation after disconnection * Somatic grounding and orientation practices * Healing through awareness rather than force Key Takeaways * Curiosity interrupts judgment * Survival often teaches adoptees to disconnect from themselves * The body often communicates before the mind understands * Healing begins with noticing, not fixing * You don’t need to force transformation * Small moments of staying with yourself matter * Belonging grows through repeated moments of returning to self Chapters 00:00 – Beginning a new series on belonging 01:20 – The five conditions of self-belonging 02:10 – Why curiosity matters in healing 03:00 – Hypervigilance, performance, and adaptation 05:00 – “What do I need to be to be accepted?” 06:15 – From “What’s wrong with me?” to “What happened in me?” 07:10 – Where the body holds truth 08:00 – Guided somatic noticing practice 12:00 – Grounding through sensation and orientation 14:30 – Letting the body know you’re listening 15:15 – Why healing begins with noticing 16:20 – Staying present with yourself 17:15 – Closing reflections + next week’s episode on clarity Closing Reflection Belonging doesn’t begin when we finally “fix” ourselves. It begins the moment we become willing to stay curious about what we carry… and gently turn back toward ourselves instead of away. Website [https://www.cominghometoself.co/] Instagram: @juliebrumley_ [https://www.instagram.com/juliebrumley_/] Facebook: julierasbrum [https://www.facebook.com/julierasbrum] TikTok: @juliebrumley_ Click to Join My Free Adoptee Facebook Group [https://www.facebook.com/groups/theresilienceprojectforadoptees] You Tube: @julie_brumley [https://www.youtube.com/@julie_brumley]

Changing the Meaning Part 2: The Laws Behind the Associations We Carry

Resources Mentioned * Revelation LIVE [https://www.cominghometoself.co/offers/ABHeozLi/checkout] * Un-M-Othered: A Revolution in Adoptee Healing Retreat [https://www.lizdebetta.com/un-m-othered-adoptee-healing-retreat] * Schedule a call with Julie [https://calendar.app.google/CHajVJ8EkdqiPSHj9] Summary A few weeks ago, Julie Brumley released an episode about changing the meaning we attach to experiences and how those meanings shape the stories, emotions, and patterns we repeat. But in this episode, she goes deeper. Because meanings don’t just shape thoughts. They shape the emotional and nervous system baseline we live from. Through an adoptee lens, Julie explores three concepts she first learned from mentor Kelly Brock: * The Law of Vibration * The Law of Attraction * The Law of Assumption Not from a “just think positive” perspective… and not from a place of blame. This conversation is about understanding how the body learns associations long before we have words, and how those practiced associations quietly shape what feels safe, familiar, expected, and possible. Julie explains why adoptees often struggle with: * hypervigilance * fear of rejection * emotional guarding * hyper-independence * difficulty receiving love or rest …even when they consciously desire connection, peace, and belonging. She also shares a gentle somatic exercise to help listeners begin loosening old meanings and creating space for new experiences in the nervous system. Because healing isn’t just cognitive. It’s nervous system work. And changing the meaning changes the signal your body is broadcasting. Keywords adoption, adoptee healing, nervous system, trauma, somatic healing, hypervigilance, attachment, identity, emotional patterns, belonging, trauma responses, embodiment Key Topics * Why meanings shape nervous system patterns * The Law of Vibration through an adoptee lens * Practiced emotional states vs. conscious desires * Why adoptees often anticipate abandonment or rejection * Familiar pain vs. unfamiliar safety * The Law of Attraction as emotional familiarity * How assumptions become identity over time * Hypervigilance, over-functioning, and emotional guarding * Releasing old meanings gently through somatic awareness * Building new nervous system experiences through safety and openness Key Takeaways * Your nervous system learned these meanings for a reason * Familiar does not always mean healthy * The body often broadcasts practiced associations, not conscious desires * Healing is not just insight - it’s repeated safe experiences * Survival meanings are not always ultimate truth * Awareness allows you to interrupt old cycles * “That makes sense” is often more healing than “How do I fix this?” * Changing the meaning changes what becomes possible Chapters 00:00 – Why meanings matter so much 02:21 – The Law of Vibration and nervous system signals 06:53 – Why adoptees struggle with stillness, visibility, and safety 09:20 – The Law of Attraction and emotional familiarity 11:44 – The Law of Assumption and identity formation 14:05 – Guided somatic integration practice 15:34 – Julie’s personal example around money and safety 18:29 – Why awareness changes the nervous system 20:36 – Revelation LIVE, retreat updates, and closing reflections Closing Reflection Your body adapted around what it experienced. Not because something is wrong with you… but because your nervous system learned what it believed it had to do to survive. And maybe healing begins the moment you stop asking: “What’s wrong with me?” …and start asking: “What meaning has my body been carrying?” Website [https://www.cominghometoself.co/] Instagram: @juliebrumley_ [https://www.instagram.com/juliebrumley_/] Facebook: julierasbrum [https://www.facebook.com/julierasbrum] TikTok: @juliebrumley_ Click to Join My Free Adoptee Facebook Group [https://www.facebook.com/groups/theresilienceprojectforadoptees] You Tube: @julie_brumley [https://www.youtube.com/@julie_brumley]

Becoming Sovereign After Survival: Nervous Systems, Identity & Healing with Kelly Brock

Summary In this deeply personal conversation, Julie Brumley sits down with mentor, coach, and friend Kelly Brock, the woman whose podcast sparked the beginning of Julie’s adoption-focused work back in April 2023. Together, they explore how survival patterns become identities, why the nervous system shapes what we expect from relationships, and how old associations recreate familiar patterns.  Kelly shares her perspective on sovereignty, nervous system healing, and learning to stop building a life around adaptation and performance. Julie weaves in her lived experience as an adoptee, including how early disruption shaped her expectations around connection and safety. This episode is about more than adoption. It’s about learning to come home to yourself. About realizing the patterns that once helped you survive don’t have to keep leading your life. And about discovering that healing happens through awareness, safety, practice, and relationship. Keywords adoption, adoptee healing, nervous system, sovereignty, trauma healing, somatic healing, identity, attachment, survival patterns, relationships, embodiment, emotional healing Key Topics * How survival patterns become identity * The nervous system’s role in relationships and emotional anticipation * “What we associate becomes what we anticipate” * Why adoptees often adapt instead of receive * The connection between sovereignty and self-belonging * How old emotional meanings create repeated patterns * The importance of nervous system work in healing  * Learning to separate patterns from personality * Reframing painful experiences into gifts and wisdom * Building movements vs. building businesses Chapters 00:00 – The moment Julie’s business vision was born 03:30 – Survival patterns and identity 08:00 – What sovereignty actually means 15:00 – How early experiences shape expectations 19:00 – Associations, anticipation, and emotional loops 28:00 – Changing patterns through nervous system work 35:00 – The conditions for self-belonging 41:00 – Building from truth instead of performance 47:00 – Movement vs. business 52:00 – Why the body matters in healing 57:00 – What Kelly has learned about adoptees 01:02:00 – Breaking old stories and reclaiming your life 01:06:00 – Kelly’s Rooted program + final reflections Links * Kelly Brock’s Rooted nervous system program [https://www.kellybrockco.com/rooted] * Un-M-Othered: A Revolution in Adoptee Healing Retreat [https://www.lizdebetta.com/un-m-othered-adoptee-healing-retreat] * Revelation LIVE experience [https://www.cominghometoself.co/offers/ABHeozLi/checkout] * Saboteur Assessment [https://assessment.positiveintelligence.com/saboteur/instructions] * Kelly's Instagram [https://www.instagram.com/kellybrock/] Website [https://www.cominghometoself.co/] Instagram: @juliebrumley_ [https://www.instagram.com/juliebrumley_/] Facebook: julierasbrum [https://www.facebook.com/julierasbrum] TikTok: @juliebrumley_ Click to Join My Free Adoptee Facebook Group [https://www.facebook.com/groups/theresilienceprojectforadoptees] You Tube: @julie_brumley [https://www.youtube.com/@julie_brumley]

What It’s Like to Love an Adoptee: Being Seen, Staying, and Learning Along the Way

Summary In this deeply personal and relational episode, Julie sits down with her longtime friend Cathy Rosenquist - someone who has had a front-row seat to some of Julie’s most defining seasons. From loss and reunion to therapy, identity, and divorce… Cathy didn’t just hear about it. She lived alongside it. This conversation offers something rarely spoken about in adoption spaces: What is it like to love an adoptee through it? Through honest reflection, Cathy shares what she saw, what she didn’t understand at first, and what helped most - not from a place of expertise, but from curiosity, humility, and a willingness to stay. Together, they explore how patterns rooted in early disruption can show up in relationships, the impact of feeling like you have to earn acceptance, and what begins to shift when someone chooses to truly see you. This episode is for adoptees and for the people who love them. Because healing doesn’t happen in isolation.  It happens in relationship. Keywords adoption, adoptee healing, relationships, friendship, trauma, identity, belonging, emotional safety, connection, self-trust, attachment, support systems Key Topics * What it’s like to walk alongside an adoptee through grief, reunion, and identity work  * Patterns of people-pleasing, fear, and the need for acceptance  * The gap between outward confidence and internal self-trust  * Why adoptees may struggle to use their voice - even when they seem expressive  * Moving from “something is wrong with me” to building self-trust  * Letting go of fixing and learning to simply be present  * The power of curiosity over assumption in relationships  * How consistent, intentional connection builds safety and trust  Takeaways * You don’t need to fully understand someone to stay with them  * Curiosity creates connection - assumption creates distance  * Many adoptee patterns are rooted in a deep need to feel safe and accepted  * Being “seen” without being fixed can be profoundly healing  * Relationships that last are built through intentional presence  * You don’t have to have the right words - just a willingness to stay  * Healing often happens when someone defies the expectation that they will leave Chapters 00:00 – A friendship built over 14 years 03:00 – How Julie and Cathy first met 06:00 – What Cathy saw over the years 10:30 – Witnessing grief, discovery, and transformation 13:30 – Patterns Julie couldn’t see at the time 18:00 – The shoes story and learning self-trust 20:30 – What Cathy misunderstood about adoption 24:30 – Moving beyond the “rescue” narrative 28:00 – Witnessing reunion, grief, and complexity 31:00 – Trying to understand the adoptee experience 35:00 – Why the timeline mattered 38:00 – What actually helped in the friendship 41:00 – Learning to ask, “What do you need?” 43:30 – Sitting with what couldn’t be fixed 46:00 – Finding and trusting Julie’s voice 49:00 – How friendship changed Cathy 52:00 – What people who love adoptees need to know 53:30 – “You’ve got this” and closing reflections Un-M-Othered: A Revolution in Adoptee Healing [https://www.lizdebetta.com/un-m-othered-adoptee-healing-retreat] Website [https://www.cominghometoself.co/] Instagram: @juliebrumley_ [https://www.instagram.com/juliebrumley_/] Facebook: julierasbrum [https://www.facebook.com/julierasbrum] TikTok: @juliebrumley_ Click to Join My Free Adoptee Facebook Group [https://www.facebook.com/groups/theresilienceprojectforadoptees] You Tube: @julie_brumley [https://www.youtube.com/@julie_brumley]

How to Change the Meaning You Attach to Things (And Break Old Patterns)

Summary In this embodied, real-time conversation, Julie Brumley walks listeners through a powerful shift: the meaning we attach to our experiences shapes our stories, emotions, and the way we move through the world. Most of us think we’re reacting to what’s happening now… but often, we’re responding to what we expect to happen based on the past. Through personal examples and guided reflection, Julie shows how old meanings - like “I’m too much” or “something is wrong with me” - keep us stuck in familiar patterns. This episode introduces a simple, body-based practice to pause, question those meanings, and choose something new. Not by forcing positivity, but by creating space for a different experience. This is the bridge between releasing the past and creating what’s possible. Keywords adoption, adoptee healing, somatic work, nervous system, trauma, identity, self-worth, meaning, emotional patterns, embodiment, relationships, belonging Key Topics * How meaning shapes emotion, behavior, and expectation * Why we react from past associations, not present reality * Personal examples: breakdown, rejection, and conflict * Shifting from “something is wrong with me” to new meaning * The nervous system’s role in familiar patterns * A 4-step practice to change meaning in real time * Anchoring new beliefs through the body Takeaways * You’re not reacting to now - you’re responding to past meaning * Old meaning → old story → old emotions → repeated patterns * What you associate becomes what you anticipate * You don’t get what you want - you get what you’re practiced in receiving * You can pause and choose a new meaning * Your body must experience the shift, not just think it * This is the bridge between release and creation Chapters 00:00 – A conversation, not a lecture 01:00 – The bridge: releasing → creating 02:00 – Why meaning matters 03:30 – Associations + anticipation (Kelly Brock teaching) 05:30 – Real-life example: feeling excluded 07:40 – Old meaning: “something is wrong with me” 09:30 – Reframing breakdown → breakthrough 10:30 – Relationship + conflict examples 12:00 – The 4-step practice 14:00 – Anchoring new meaning in the body 16:30 – Somatic integration practice 18:30 – Releasing old story, receiving new meaning 20:20 – Choosing again in real time 22:00 – Closing reflection + invitation Closing Note If something stirred in you while listening… that’s not random. It’s awareness. Pause. Ask what you’re making it mean. And gently… choose again. Links Un-M-Othered: A Revolution in Adoptee Healing retreat [https://www.lizdebetta.com/un-m-othered-adoptee-healing-retreat] Pdf of my notes for reference [https://drive.google.com/file/d/1hn7oQk3t6MTcLkVhgxpGUv1cSJHbXsWz/view?usp=sharing] Website [https://www.cominghometoself.co/] Instagram: @juliebrumley_ [https://www.instagram.com/juliebrumley_/] Facebook: julierasbrum [https://www.facebook.com/julierasbrum] TikTok: @juliebrumley_ Click to Join My Free Adoptee Facebook Group [https://www.facebook.com/groups/theresilienceprojectforadoptees] You Tube: @julie_brumley [https://www.youtube.com/@julie_brumley]