Ian's Shoelaces

Actionable Bumper Stickers

Changing things up around here. My normal co-host had to call in sick because I guess his butthole was too sore from the long weekend he had down at the Gay Club. I don't want to embarrass him, of course, but I will tell you the photos he sent for evidence are harrowing. It's the kind of thing you'll see that makes you rethink progressive politics. I don't even know how you fit that many objects inside yourself. But regardless, this week we have a special guest who just so happens to live with me and is obligated to do something if I start crying. The audio might be weird because her voice is quieter than mine, but as always I implore you to locate that button on the side of your phone that increases volume. When do you think Apple is getting rid of that, by the way? When will we have an iphone that has no buttons at all, and you have to pay an additional $10 a month to access control over volume and when you can turn the phone on? I can't wait. The future is so bright.

I Could've Fixed A Lot By Now

Happy Memorial Day, everyone. And you know me, I absolutely give a fuck and in 2026 I think it's important to continue with the illusion we've all been convinced of, which is that none of the wars currently happening are good but every single war before this one was necessary and the people who fought those wars are heroes that defended our democracy. And by "democracy" I mean the interests of private institutions to continue washing dirty money and tucking it into the pockets of the slimiest, gooiest, fattest pieces of hog shit you've ever seen in your life. I also despise when you're being dismissive of Memorial Day or Veteran's Day and someone moron tries to pull the "well my grandaddy died in...." Hey asshole, no one gives a fuck. Your grandaddy can suck my cock with his dead skull. He wasn't what you thought. I'm sorry he got drafted, if he did, but I don't think it was in the handbook to rape villages for a decade. Unless it was... hey, maybe that's actually why we were in Vietnam. These villages aren't going to rape themselves! Someone should write that book. I gotta go call the Seymour Hersh....

JD Vans? JD Pansy? JD....idk fuck that fat bitch

That guy sucks my ass, right? Like I know two years ago you r-word f-slur big tittty babies were frothing at the mouth because you legitimately believed Donald Trump was going to fix egg prices, because you don't know how to read and can't conceptualize time even on the basic linear mode we humans are stuck on, and I know you gave a lot of leniency to JD Vance at the offset because your mother recoiled from your touch at a very young age, but surely everyone is now on the same page of at least being able to admit that JD Vance should be sent to the place where they make hot dogs out of pig assholes. He should be dipped in a big boiling vat of cow dicks and soggy tissue they use to make ladies have big fake booties. He should be paraded around town wearing a fuck-me dog leash and his little red wiener should be squirming in the sunlight while the townspeople throw rotten tomatoes and black cabbage at his stupid, putrid, FAT pillow face. Anyway, I think gas is $40 right now, so I'm going to go fill up a big jug of it and drink it like top shelf rum.

Happy Mother's Day

If you're reading this, and I doubt that you are, but if you're so deranged as to click on this podcast hosted by people you don't know and will never know, then please, please understand that we maintain the right to never give a shit about you. We didn't upload last week, and normally it would be customary to issue an apology or an explanation for it, but as soon as my fingers hit the keyboard I said to myself: no, fuck you. How dare you expect things of me. Me? No one should expect anything from a man with a podcast. He's a sad, lonely creature with a microphone trying to figure out what rhymes with a slur so he can technically say something naughty. Give him no credit. Assign zero worth to his behavior. It's like getting mad at a dog in the pound, sitting behind that wire door with big eyes, acting like he isn't a bad boy. Hey, if you're such a "good boy", how come you're locked up? Dumbass.

HIGH TAX Jefferies

I like that our country is run by old, stinky, fat, poopy men. And they better not change that, come 2028, when all of us are dead and gas cost $900 and no one has jobs but rent is still going up. They better still be running our classic old stinky fat poopy men, or else I won't know what to vote for to make the billionaires happy. Do you like that every time someone says billionaires shouldn't exist people react like you just downplayed the holocaust numbers? Seriously, do you like that? Do you think it's healthy to have a society that reacts to taxing Jeff Bezos like you just screamed "it was only 2 million!" Follow up question, what is wrong with those people? The ones who get all anxious when you talk about taxing rich people. What's going on inside their ant brains? I know, I know, they're just stuck in an echo chamber so words don't actually mean words to them, but still. What's literally going on inside the remaining grooves in their brain? Is it Gimme Shelter? I bet it's Gimme Shelter.