Smize Queens

Happy Halloqueen! What will the Smize Guys uncover as they explore an abandoned warehouse? It could be the hologram of a lobotomized Allison Harvard, or nine aspiring models skydiving with a cup of yogurt. In episodes four through six of Cycle 3, they are haunted by vanishing crystals, mutilated brownies, and the single worst photo in Top Model history.

The Smize Guys are joined by ANTM travel conspiracy theorist John McDonough (Y: The Last Man) to discuss the first three episodes of Cycle 3. Cycle 3 has it all: MAGA-inspired prom dresses, toxic emotional codependency, and the inaugural horrible red-hair makeover.

Like student pilot Yoanna, our winner, Drew and Nick are flying solo this week for the last two episodes of Cycle 2. Get your helmets on and join us on her voyage from runway to runway. Weeks spent without male attention climaxes as Shandi gets scandy, and April—our favorite Calendar Girl—finally reciprocates her lust for Nigel.

Shake ya body body! Move ya body body! This video’s shoddy shoddy! The Smize Guys and King of Movement Deon Summerville revisit the embers of Tyra’s failed music career and like what they find. Is the Milanese rap pre-written? Is April secretly a robot? Tooch in for the answers.

The Smize Guys ♥ B.J.! Nick, Drew, and special guest Alye Miller (“Dump Him”) wax their vagines while they wax poetic about turtle tank hygiene and Yoanna House’s shitty kitchen. Put on your Shanthrax shirts, grab a bag of Rollitos, and come on down to the docks to learn what not to wear. The fight is on June 27th, watch out bitch.