Stop Using Sex to Make Them Stay

The Truth About Dating as a Femme Top

So much of our lives as Black gay men are socially prescribed. Bottoms must be submissive. Tops must be masculine. Versatile men must be freaky. Unfortunately, I don’t fit into any of those categories. My voice is high. My body gives “father figure”. My walk has tank of sugar in it. And I haven’t had the urge to get fucked in years. Then I met my boyfriend. Because I’ve stepped outside of the gay social norms in who and how I am, I got lulled into thinking that being myself in spite of everyone’s opinions and perceptions was powerful. But there is a deeper level of exploration that I had to figure. Then, as soon as I think I got it, the universe sent me a man who required some of the same work. This conversation was a test of who I am, how I choose to express, and if I can love myself deeply enough. Loving Yourself “Because Of” – Not “In Spite Of” In the latest episode of Dear Black Gay Men: Love Lessons, Jai the Gentleman dives deep into the complexities of self-acceptance and dating within the community. Drawing from personal experiences with his partner, “Ryan,” Jai explores a transformative shift in mindset: moving from being loved in spite of who you are to being loved because of it. The Armor We Wear Many Black gay men, particularly those who embrace femininity—like butch queens or femme queens—often feel they must navigate the world with a protective armor. Whether it’s wearing makeup, rocking high heels, or expressing a “switch” in your walk, there is a common narrative that partners simply “tolerate” or “deal with” these traits. Jai challenges this “tolerated” existence. He asks: What would it look like if you dated someone who loved you because of your expression?. The Three Stages of Evolution Jai reflects on his own journey with body image and femininity, identifying three critical stages of self-growth: * Acceptance: Acknowledging the current reality of who you are. * Defiance: Adopting a “who’s going to check me?” attitude. * Embodiment: Reaching the point of “I am me”—where you no longer perform or react to outside judgment. Why Self-Love is the Foundation The hard truth is that your partner can only love you to the degree that you love yourself. If you view your own traits as flaws to be managed, you may inadvertently push away partners who actually adore those very qualities. True love shouldn’t limit or box you in. Our “portion” as Black queer people is to be loved in the purest sense—not as a compromise, but as a celebration of everything we bring to the table. Join DBGM Live on YouTube | M-W-Th @ 9pm Eastern Ready for a deeper dive? Subscribe: Catch full video episodes on our Substack [https://dearblackgaymen.substack.com/]. * Join the Live Chat: [https://www.youtube.com/live/7ZjdfLNfVM4] We’re live daily at 9 p.m. ET on YouTube. [https://www.youtube.com/live/7ZjdfLNfVM4] * Rate & Review: Help other brothers find this community on Apple Podcasts and Spotify. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit dearblackgaymen.substack.com/subscribe [https://dearblackgaymen.substack.com/subscribe?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_2]

Stop Using Sex to Make Them Stay

Beyond the Bedroom: Finding Your Identity When Performance Isn’t Required In the latest episode of Dear Black Gay Men: Love Lessons, Jai the Gentleman pulls back the curtain on a topic many of us struggle with but rarely discuss: the evolution of sexual identity within a healthy relationship. As Black gay men, we are often hyper-sexualized or fetishized by the world around us, leading many of us to view our sexual “performance” as our primary value in dating. But what happens when you finally meet a partner who loves you just for you? The Trap of Overcompensation For years, Jai shares that he used his confidence in the bedroom as a safety net in insecure relationships. If the respect wasn’t there, at least the sex was good enough to make them stay. This episode dives into the “aha moment” that comes when sex is no longer the glue holding things together. * The Question of Performance: Who are you in a relationship when you don’t have to “perform” or overcompensate to be enough?. * Intentional Expression: How do kinks and sexual desires manifest once they are about self-expression rather than survival? The Yin-Yang of Partnership A major takeaway from this lesson is the realization that your partner cannot—and should not—be your “whole world”. Using the yin-yang analogy, Jai explains that while partners fit together, each must maintain a space for individual expression and outside support. * Community Support: Some conversations are meant for best friends, siblings, or parents, not just your partner. * Individual Baggage: Not every kink, thought, or feeling needs to be shared or fulfilled by your significant other. Stop trying to force every piece of yourself into one connection. True partnership is about figuring out how your unique pieces fit together while leaving room for your individual journey. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit dearblackgaymen.substack.com/subscribe [https://dearblackgaymen.substack.com/subscribe?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_2]

Why Your “Crash Out” Might Be Your Biggest Breakthrough

Have you ever been so ff the rails that you don’t know how to get back? That was my last argument in real time. My boyfriend and I were locked in a disagreement of my own making and I couldn’t see my way through to make a clear point, to communicate what I was actually feeling, or find a way back to our peace. My problem was I wanted him to rescue me. I wanted him to take charge and save me from myself. But it wasn’t until this conversation with myself in this podcast that I could pinpoint exactly how fucked up an expectation that is for a relationship. My job is to bring my whole self to my man. Yes, there will be some ragged edges and rough spots, but I can’t expect him to be the one to mend those edges or file the roughness. What I learned is that I have to self-regulate. It seems like a simple task, but it hurt long before it helped. Either way, I’m better because of it. I hope this episode finds you at the heart of yourself. Jai Navigating the Black gay dating scene often feels like a balancing act between protecting your peace and opening your heart. In the first episode of Dear Black Gay Men: Love Lessons, Jai the Gentleman pulls back the curtain on a recent “crash out” that nearly cost him his relationship, offering a raw look at what it truly takes to find and keep love. The Conflict: Emotion vs. Logic Jai explores the friction that arises when two different worlds collide in a relationship. While Jai identifies as a “touchy-feely,” emotionally-led Virgo with ADHD, his partner, Ryan, is deeply pragmatic and logical. This “oil and water” dynamic led to a heated disagreement where Jai realized he was fueled by over-analysis rather than clear communication. The Big “Aha”: You Can’t Outrun Growth The core lesson? Your partner is not your parachute. Jai admits he subconsciously wanted Ryan to rescue him from his own emotional spiral. He highlights several key takeaways for every Black gay man on their dating journey: * Knowledge vs. Application: Knowing “red flags” in your head is different from applying that wisdom when emotions are high. * The Trap of Experience: Being older or “out” longer doesn’t mean your way is the only way. * Intentions vs. Behavior: Good intentions do not excuse poor behavior during a conflict. Choosing Evolution Over Ego Growth is your birthright, but many of us become numb to it by digging into “how we’ve always done things”. Jai’s “crash out” became an opportunity to evolve, proving that real love requires constant refinement and the humility to be wrong. Ready to dive deeper into your own evolution? This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit dearblackgaymen.substack.com/subscribe [https://dearblackgaymen.substack.com/subscribe?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_2]