I Should Be Turned On Right Now… So Why Aren't I?

Foreplay and Precare

There's often a gap between "I want to have sex" and actually being ready for it. You've been at work, with the kids, managing logistics, living in your head — and now you're supposed to just... switch into sexy mode? Most people either skip the warmup entirely or go through the motions of what they think foreplay is supposed to look like. Neither one works very well. Good foreplay is the bridge between where you actually are and where you want to be. But for it to do its job, you have to be honest — about what you're feeling, what you need, and where your body is starting from. That honesty is what turns foreplay from going through the motions into something that actually brings you alive. In this episode, we walk through different entry points using the love languages as a framework: touch that’s attuned to your energy, words that open and expand your heart and body, acts of service that say "I've been thinking about you," and why stating what's off the table tonight can be one of the hottest things you do before sex. We also get into: What to do when foreplay feels like a burden instead of a gift How boundaries can create heat, not just safety “Pre-care", aka what your nervous system needs before it can even register a spark Types of foreplay that don’t involve touch, eye-gazing, or even being in-person Using your voice, tone, and words as foreplay before anyone takes their clothes off ♥️ You can also watch this episode as a video! Find it here on YouTube [https://www.youtube.com/@EroticReclamation]. ♥️ Chapter Timestamps 0:00 — What we're talking about today: foreplay & pre-care 6:00 — Pre-care vs. foreplay: what your nervous system needs before the spark can catch 9:27 — Turn-on doesn't have to start in your genitals 10:50 — Touch as foreplay: the difference between what melts you open and what makes you want to crawl away 14:41 — Foreplay for avoidant people, for whom intense touch or eye contact can be too much 18:00 — Words as foreplay: what you say (and how you say it) can warm both of you up before anyone undresses 25:40 — The words that often relax and open our nervous systems: praise and appreciation 28:13 — When you’re first dating, how words can act as foreplay while keeping the pace slow 30:43 — Quality time as foreplay: dinner, spooning, laughing together (and why female bodies need lots of it) 34:19 — Gifts and treats as foreplay: a glass of wine, chocolate, lingerie, a collar perhaps… 37:39 — Giving lingerie can do double duty: it’s a gift and an affirmation, “I love your body, and want to see it in this” 40:11 — Acts of service as foreplay: washing the sheets, lighting candles, organizing the garage 46:35 — Boundaries can also be foreplay: knowing what's off the table makes it easier to play full out 52:01 — How boundaries can put intimacy BACK on the table, because it doesn’t have to be full-blown sex or nothing at all 58:32 — If foreplay feels like a chore, you've left yourself out of it ♥️ Links: Upcoming programs: https://www.eroticreclamation.com/ [https://www.eroticreclamation.com/] Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/erotic.reclamation/ [https://www.instagram.com/erotic.reclamation/] Substack: https://eroticreclamation.substack.com/ [https://eroticreclamation.substack.com/] ♥️ Erotic Reclamation is where sex-positive education meets somatic, trauma-informed practice. We're Nicholette Routhier and Kari Kinkead: certified embodiment facilitators, kink priestesses, relationship coaches, and freaky guides for anyone ready to stop hiding their desire and start basking in it. Our approach goes beyond what you’ll typically find at BDSM workshops and play parties. We focus on: - Embodied exploration of claiming your desires, energetic eroticism, power play, conflict repair, and so much more - Meeting shame with tenderness, while reconnecting to your body's erotic intelligence - Trauma-informed containers that prioritize nervous system safety, transparent communication, and full-body “fuck yes” consent and boundaries - Building a healthy, integrated relationship with your sexual cravings and sexual partners - Finding the kind of pleasure your body and soul has been dreaming of, but wasn’t sure really existed… Whether you're curious about how to have better intimacy, navigating a kinky awakening, or wanting to explore even wider realms of pleasure, there's a place for you here. No experience necessary, but all experience welcome. Learn more at www.eroticreclamation.com [http://www.eroticreclamation.com]. With love, Kari & Nicholette This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit eroticreclamation.substack.com [https://eroticreclamation.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1]

I Should Be Turned On Right Now… So Why Aren't I?

Theoretically, the idea of sex sounds great. You're into them, you’re not too tired, it sounds like a fun time. But at the exact same time, your body is tensing, stalling, freezing, clamming up. This yes/no mismatch is so common, but we almost never talk about it. Instead, we generally either push through and perform, or shut down entirely. But there's a third option: learning to be honest about where your body actually is at, while also being honest about what you mentally want. In this episode, we get into what happens when your mind and body are on different pages during sex. As two women who have struggled with orgasm specifically, we unpack how the pressure to achieve orgasm (or deliver orgasm to your partner) collides with a body that has its own history — of trauma, of shame, of disassociation — and might need something completely different in order to actually feel good. Not just to orgasm, but simply to be present, connected, and alive in the experience. We also get into: - Why telling yourself "I should be turned on right now" makes it harder to get there - What it means to have desire without attachment to outcome, and why that's not the same as not caring - How to learn what yes and no actually feel like in your body, outside of sexual situations - What happens when you stop treating arousal as a prerequisite for saying yes - How to start listening to your body's signals without making them mean something is wrong with you ♥️ You can also watch this episode as a video! Find it here on YouTube [https://www.youtube.com/@EroticReclamation]. ♥️ Chapter Timestamps 0:00 — What we're talking about today: when your mind and body are on different pages about sex 1:51 — Why your body defaults to being tense, performative, unfeeling during sex 14:00 — What changes when your goal shifts from "great sex" to "staying present" 15:23 — Why telling yourself you should be turned on makes it harder to get there 18:27 — The wild, delicious world of sex that opens up when you stop focusing on orgasm 32:46 — You can actually be a fuck yes to sex without being aroused, and how to work that gap 38:03 — 'I want sex' means a thousand things, and the more specific you get, the more you'll actually get what you want 43:43 — How shame has infiltrated sex-positive spaces, making us feel like we need to learn better techniques rather than learn how to embrace our bodies 46:40 — Why and how your body signals it might need things to slow down, even when your mind is fully game 48:10 — How and why to learn what yes and no actually feel like in your body ♥️ Links: Upcoming programs: https://www.eroticreclamation.com/ [https://www.eroticreclamation.com/] Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/erotic.reclamation/ [https://www.instagram.com/erotic.reclamation/] Substack: https://eroticreclamation.substack.com/ [https://eroticreclamation.substack.com/] ♥️ Erotic Reclamation is where sex-positive education meets somatic, trauma-informed practice. We're Nicholette Routhier and Kari Kinkead: certified embodiment facilitators, kink priestesses, relationship coaches, and freaky guides for anyone ready to stop hiding their desire and start basking in it. Our approach goes beyond what you’ll typically find at BDSM workshops and play parties. We focus on: - Embodied exploration of claiming your desires, energetic eroticism, power play, conflict repair, and so much more - Meeting shame with tenderness, while reconnecting to your body's erotic intelligence - Trauma-informed containers that prioritize nervous system safety, transparent communication, and full-body “fuck yes” consent and boundaries - Building a healthy, integrated relationship with your sexual cravings and sexual partners - Finding the kind of pleasure your body and soul has been dreaming of, but wasn’t sure really existed… Whether you're curious about how to have better intimacy, navigating a kinky awakening, or wanting to explore even wider realms of pleasure, there's a place for you here. No experience necessary, but all experience welcome. Learn more at www.eroticreclamation.com [http://www.eroticreclamation.com]. With love, Kari & Nicholette This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit eroticreclamation.substack.com [https://eroticreclamation.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1]

Aftercare: The Antidote to Feeling Dropped After Sex

Welcome to the intentional, delicious, warm and fuzzy bridge between intimacy and the rest of your life. Aftercare isn’t just a BDSM thing, it’s a common answer to the question why we can end up feeling empty or dropped or vulnerable after sex… even when the sex was good. In this episode, we break down aftercare into pieces that make it digestible for any couple, and any person (because yes, there is solo aftercare!). We walk through different aftercare styles using the love languages as a framework, from physical touch and quality time to words, treats, and acts of service, and share personal stories of how aftercare has shown up in our own lives, sometimes in surprising ways. So stay tuned for a juicy, mushy, vulnerable convo about: * How to figure out what you need after intimacy * The difference between aftercare that creates connection and aftercare that avoids it * Why your aftercare love language might be different from your everyday one * How aftercare works in solo intimacy, casual dynamics, and long-distance relationships * Aftercare for Doms and tops, because it’s not just the receiving partner! ♥️ Erotic Reclamation is where we have honest conversations about sex, kink, relationships that bring you alive, and pleasure that heals. You can listen to our show on your favorite podcast player, on YouTube [https://www.youtube.com/@EroticReclamation], or on Substack [https://eroticreclamation.substack.com/]. And you can find our programs at EroticReclamation.com [https://www.eroticreclamation.com/] ♥️ Chapter Timestamps 0:00 — What we’re talking about today: aftercare, aka a bridge back to real life 2:43 — Why knowing there’s a soft landing makes it safer to be vulnerable and deeply connect 12:12 — Debriefing as aftercare: replaying the highlight reel together 17:25 — Physical touch as aftercare (and what to do if your partner isn’t into it) 20:48 — Your aftercare love language might surprise you 30:54 — What solo aftercare can look like, after intimacy with someone who isn’t your partner 33:51 — Words as aftercare: praise, gratitude, and the debrief that doesn’t turn into a fight 37:33 — Self aftercare: writing, prayer, and giving your post-intimacy energy somewhere to go 39:53 — Treats and gifts as aftercare: snacks and tea!! 43:52 — Acts of service as aftercare: washing, resetting, tending to each other 48:24 — When aftercare becomes a way to control intimacy instead of deepen it 52:34 — How aftercare can be integrated into a relationship 53:32 — What are your tenderest parts asking for after you’ve been that open? 58:18 — Aftercare doesn’t have to end when you leave, it can involve checking in days later ♥️ Erotic Reclamation is where sex-positive education meets somatic, trauma-informed practice. We're Nicholette Routhier and Kari Kinkead: certified embodiment facilitators, kink priestesses, relationship coaches, and freaky guides for anyone ready to stop hiding their desire and start basking in it. Our approach goes beyond what you’ll typically find at BDSM workshops and play parties. We focus on: - Embodied exploration of claiming your desires, energetic eroticism, power play, conflict repair, and so much more - Meeting shame with tenderness, while reconnecting to your body's erotic intelligence - Trauma-informed containers that prioritize nervous system safety, transparent communication, and full-body “fuck yes” consent and boundaries - Building a healthy, integrated relationship with your sexual cravings and sexual partners - Finding the kind of pleasure your body and soul has been dreaming of, but wasn’t sure really existed… Whether you're curious about kink, navigating a Dominant/submissive awakening, or wanting to deepen what you've already been exploring, there's a place for you here. No experience necessary, but all experience welcome. Learn more at www.eroticreclamation.com [http://www.eroticreclamation.com]. With love, Kari & Nicholette This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit eroticreclamation.substack.com [https://eroticreclamation.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1]

What is Energetic Sex?

This one is for the HSPs, empaths, energetic erotic blueprints, and anyone who feels things they don’t understand… In this episode, we’re pulling back the curtain on a form of intimacy that doesn’t require touch, nudity, or even proximity. We share how energy shows up in our bodies, our relationships, and our sex lives — from involuntary shivers to full-body ecstasy just because of how our partner is breathing in another room. Specifically, we get into: * What energetic sex actually is and how it shows up in the body * The difference between energetic merging and energetic exchange * Energetic sex as foreplay, as the main event, or anywhere in between * How to start exploring energetic sex — solo or with a partner * Energetic boundaries, integrity, consent, and sovereignty, because when energy is involved, things can be mushy… Whether you’re already energy-curious or deeply skeptical, this conversation offers a grounded, personal, and surprisingly practical look at what becomes possible when you stop limiting sex to what’s physical. ** Erotic Reclamation is where we have honest conversations about sex, kink, relationships that bring you alive, and pleasure that heals. Subscribe so you don't miss an episode! ** Chapter Timestamps 0:00 — What we're talking about today: energetic sex 3:48 — Why a stranger’s look can make your skin crawl, or light you up 11:10 — A simple way to start feeling energy with your own hands 13:48 — When all you can feel during sex is “good” or “bad”, and how to unlock more 19:15 — What if you’re not wet or hard… does that mean you’re not turned on? 24:34 — What energetic sex actually looks like (it can be so subtle, but so delicious!) 26:48 — The shivers and shakes you’ve been holding back might be orgasmic 30:27 — How breath alone can create sexual charge between two people 32:46 — “I was actually having sex and nobody in the room knew it”: energetic boundaries 38:23 — What changes when you practice energy with someone you’re in love with 41:16 — If you feel drained by other people's energy, your boundaries might be wide open 48:06 — For the skeptics: “My eyes were closed, but my body still rose where his hand hovered over me” 51:37 — When your partner’s breath in another room becomes foreplay 53:16 — Why deep intimacy doesn’t require losing yourself in your partner 1:00:09 — What it feels like to reconnect with someone through energy after years apart 1:02:25 — Where to start exploring this — solo, partnered, or skeptical *** Erotic Reclamation is where sex-positive education meets somatic, trauma-informed practice. We're Nicholette Routhier and Kari Kinkead: certified embodiment facilitators, kink priestesses, relationship coaches, and freaky guides for anyone ready to stop hiding their desire and start basking in it.Our approach goes beyond what you’ll typically find at BDSM workshops and play parties. We focus on:- Embodied exploration of claiming your desires, energetic eroticism, power play, conflict repair, and so much more- Meeting shame with tenderness, while reconnecting to your body's erotic intelligence- Trauma-informed containers that prioritize nervous system safety, transparent communication, and full-body “fuck yes” consent and boundaries- Building a healthy, integrated relationship with your sexual cravings and sexual partners- Finding the kind of pleasure your body and soul has been dreaming of, but wasn’t sure really existed…Whether you're curious about kink, navigating a Dominant/submissive awakening, or wanting to deepen what you've already been exploring, there's a place for you here. No experience necessary, but all experience welcome. Learn more at eroticreclamation.com [http://eroticreclamation.com].With love,Kari & Nicholette *** P.S. If you’re on YouTube, and would enjoy seeing our endless expressions as we talk about all these sexy, vulnerable, holy things, you can also watch this episode here [https://www.youtube.com/@EroticReclamation]. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit eroticreclamation.substack.com [https://eroticreclamation.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1]

When Intimacy is Frictiony and You're Not Sure Why

What’s actually going on when your partner says “I don’t feel wanted” and you’re thinking “but I text you every day”? In this episode, we dig into the unspoken assumptions that quietly erode intimacy: the projections from past relationships, the vague desires we expect our partners to decode, and the stories we tell ourselves about what their “no” means about us. We walk through what it actually looks like to move from disconnection to communal revelation: slowing down, getting curious about what’s underneath a desire or a boundary, and co-creating something new (instead of defaulting to compromise, which, in the erotic realm, tends to kill the spark). Along the way, we get honest about our own patterns — from Kari’s defensive “here’s my list of receipts” to Nicholette’s vulnerability about being overstimulated by touch — and demonstrate in real time how curiosity can unlock a new, spicy version of relating that neither person saw coming. Whether you’re navigating a desire your partner doesn’t seem to share, struggling to articulate what you actually need, or wondering why you keep finding yourself saying (or thinking), “I already told you what I want”, this one is full of practical reframes for finding a deeper, more satisfying intimacy. *** Erotic Reclamation is where we have honest conversations about sex, kink, relationships that bring you alive, and pleasure that heals. Consider liking, subscribing, and sharing this to help our message spread! *** Chapter Timestamps 1:23 — What we're talking about today: unspoken assumptions as the silent killer of intimacy 2:19 — Reality TV as a mirror: what happens when you project your past onto a new partner 4:06 — "I don't feel wanted": why vague desires leave your partner guessing 6:37 — Getting resourced: calming your nervous system before having an honest conversation 10:11 — Reframes that can return you to each other in moments of conflict and/or misunderstanding 14:01 — The power of getting specific about what you actually want 16:35 — Why compromise is not what we're going for in the erotic realm 17:55 — The alternative: using curiosity to find the shared "why" underneath conflicting desires 20:59 — Live demo: negotiating between two people with different desires for touch 30:18 — The payoff: landing on a new, steamy dynamic neither person expected 33:20— When your partner's boundary feels like rejection (but isn't about you) 37:41 — Coercion disguised as curiosity: the sneaky question trap 41:31 — You don't have to get it right the first time: starting messy and building trust 43:03 — "I need more sex": unpacking what that sentence actually means 50:48 — How to handle the emotions that can come up when your partner brings a new desire or boundary to you 54:42 — How we can help: holding the bigger yes so you can be messy *** If you’re on YouTube, and would enjoy seeing our endless expressions as we talk about all these sexy, vulnerable, holy things, you can also watch this episode here [https://www.youtube.com/@EroticReclamation]. *** Erotic Reclamation is where sex-positive education meets somatic, trauma-informed practice. We're Nicholette Routhier and Kari Kinkead: certified embodiment facilitators, kink priestesses, relationship coaches, and freaky guides for anyone ready to stop hiding their desire and start basking in it. Our approach goes beyond what you’ll typically find at BDSM workshops and play parties. We focus on: - Embodied exploration of claiming your desires, energetic eroticism, power play, conflict repair, and so much more - Meeting shame with tenderness, while reconnecting to your body's erotic intelligence - Trauma-informed containers that prioritize nervous system safety, transparent communication, and full-body “fuck yes” consent and boundaries - Building a healthy, integrated relationship with your sexual cravings and sexual partners - Finding the kind of pleasure your body and soul has been dreaming of, but wasn’t sure really existed… Whether you're curious about kink, navigating a Dominant/submissive awakening, or wanting to deepen what you've already been exploring, there's a place for you here. No experience necessary, but all experience welcome. Learn more at eroticreclamation.com [http://eroticreclamation.com]. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit eroticreclamation.substack.com [https://eroticreclamation.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1]