Let. God. Handle. It.

Milestones Without Mania.

So now that I am realizing ... during all of these months, as much as I was of course grieving my Father ... and missing him during the big moments ... like Christmas... my Birthday... and Parker's first Soccer Game ... etc. although I felt the grief, and missed him immensely .... I had my dad's voice ... in my head... ALL the time. When I would have a breakdown ... my Dad would be there with a pep talk. Well.... since the day of June 1st ... when the depressive crash hit .... my Dad's voice is gone. I still feel him ... but in a very different way. So in this recording.... I am coming up on my son's 8th grade graduation .... and I am realizing very quickly, that milestones hit different without a touch of hypomania to soften the blow.

A Walk To Remember ...

This was the first time I started recording since the depressive crash ... where I felt like I was coming back to ... "myself." Although in ways, I really am unsure on who "myself" really is anymore. I am still reeling at what has just transpired ... and how this version of my illness is something that is not recognizable to me. Not the "quiet" version of the hypomania ... and certainly not a depressive crash ... with a few deep dark days... and then it lifting so quickly? Either way.... I appreciate all of you who are sticking with me ... and my story... this journey.... this confusion ... because it just makes me feel a little better knowing I am truly not alone in this.

Father's Day 2026.

I think this one speaks for itself.... it's a day that we all have dreaded for months...I was unsure how I would feel today as I went to sleep last night ... but through the tears in this recording, I think it ended up being a special sentiment to the best Dad and Grandad in the entire world. Dear Dad, Happy Father's Day. I miss you beyond words, thank you for the lifetime of unconditional love and guidance, you were and will always be the best of the best ... Love You always and forever, Your Zib.

Was My Brain Protecting Me?

I've never in my life felt "lucky" to have Bipolar Disorder .... nobody ever wishes for a mental illness... so I will not say in this moment I feel lucky... or happy... but ... I guess in this moment I am starting to see the truth .... the reality and clarity of what my brain was doing. Yes, my brain was lying to me .... it was telling me things that were not true ... but it was also somewhat keeping me away from the ultimate truth ... the ultimate heart-shattering reality .... that my Dad was dead. He was never coming back.... and my brain decided ... "Alana.... we are not going to allow you to fully FEEL this ... AS DEEP AS YOU WOULD ... without this illness." So.... I guess my question is ... Was my Brain Protecting ME???

The Fog.

As I am here in this "inbetween" state of hypomania and depression .... I feel so foggy... yet somehow, clear in the sense that I am now looking through what has transpired over the past 5-6 months through a different lens....Still in disbelief that this is happening....