Midlife Unfiltered: The Season Of Me
Shouldland. You know it well. We know you do because we feel it too — that all too familiar place where we should do this, should do that. Feel as if we should because […]. You fill in the blank. Erica and I don’t know any midlife women who have not felt the weight of ‘shoulds’. In midlife especially, they feel overwhelming and heavy, as if we’re surrounded by them, with demands lobbing in from every direction. Performance and Expectations. Self-imposed? Are they true, are they real? Have you ever stopped to ask why? Our Bodies Are Keeping Notes Our somatic signals are real. Our body takes in the effects of acting on so many shoulds, and eventually it starts signalling, subtly at first. The clenching jaw. Tense shoulders. Tight hands. But our body is persistent, always looking out for us. Eventually those signals become so loud, so disruptive, we have little if any choice but to listen and change. So why do we feel the need to push through when our body is signalling otherwise? Lived Experience I talk about the recent experience of a dear friend who has hit burnout and what she’s done to restore her sense of self, to find herself again. Her brave actions. Not all change needs to be this extreme, but it is important to recognise that small acts of kindness to ourselves can be a priority. And worth asking: what are the consequences if I don’t? The Language of Shoulds If we drop the language of ‘should’, what else becomes available? Noticing when we say it and how many times a day is a powerful start. If we stopped using that word, what alternatives take its place? Does it change the way we feel, react and respond? The words that stand in its place: I want to. I desire to. I feel like I have to. Do I want the outcome? I don’t want to do this. What feels more true? There’s something empowering that happens when ‘want’ replaces ‘should’. The Drivers of Shoulds The guilt. The shame. The (perceived) judgement. The learned behaviour. Societal expectations. We call the familiar ones out, based on conversations Erica has with her clinic clients. And the influence of control — because when we are ‘shoulding’, we are seeking to control something. Not that we’d put it on others (typically), but we put it on ourselves. Putting the brakes on automatic should-pilot is significant. Change always starts with awareness — pausing to check in when something’s not working or feeling the way we thought it would. What Might Help An exercise from Brené Brown’s I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn’t) asks us to articulate how we would and wouldn’t like to be perceived. Our unwanted identities. Working through that highlights what we’re trying to control. For example: I don’t want to be perceived as lazy — so I’ll ‘should’ upon myself any time there’s a risk of looking that way. I’m controlling for that identity. Because a good woman isn’t just sitting around doing nothing, is she? Aligning with our values is, yet again, invaluable here. They’re the guideposts that help us identify which shoulds we can release and let go of. What deserves our attention and when. The Postmenopausal Gift of Less Shoulding Giving less f*cks is real. I speak from lived experience — comparing my early-40s self (where Erica is now) to my almost-60-year-old self. Something to look forward to. Stay Curious Stay curious about when you should, and what you’re shoulding about. And please — stay playful with it. This isn’t something else to feel like you should think and act on perfectly (whatever that is). Could you banish ‘should’ from your vocabulary entirely? Resources * Find Erica at ericawebb.com.au [https://www.ericawebb.com.au/] * 📚 I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn’t) — Brené Brown Thank you to everyone who tuned into our live video and for listening here! If you found it helpful — or think a friend might — please share it on. 🩶 Join us for our next live video next week. We’ll be talking about a common autoimmune condition - Hashimoto's disease. With Jo sharing her lived experience. See you then. Anita xx This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit midlifeunfiltered.substack.com [https://midlifeunfiltered.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1]
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