trying harder doesn't always work

trying harder doesn't always work

In this episode, I pick up a thread I first noticed in episode three and finally understand it properly. For most of my academic life, the times I tried the hardest were not the times I did the best. The essays I agonised over came back lower than expected. The ones I just wrote consistently did better. And for years I had no idea why. I get into the Yerkes-Dodson law and the Goldilocks zone, why effort and performance aren't a straight line, and what actually happens when you grip the outcome too tightly. I also talk about Neville Goddard's idea of living in the end, the NUS competition I won and forgot about, the Masters prizes I wrote in a journal and never thought about again, and what all of that tells me about how the best things in my life have actually arrived. I also talk about something I've never said out loud before. The boundary between reality and fiction that got blurred somewhere along the way. And what it meant to finally become the writer of my own story rather than a character waiting for the plot to move. And yes, I'm gripping something right now. I'll report back in episode eighteen. If you've ever worked so hard at something that the working got in the way, this one's for you.

confidence is just performance

In this episode, I finally talk about the thing I said I wasn't ready to talk about in the last one. The fear that lives in romantic situations specifically. The one where all the others collapse into one at the same time. I get into the confidence loop, how it gets installed, how it runs, and why breaking out of it from the outside never quite works. I talk about the difference between the persona that was projected onto me and the one I built myself, why fake it till you make it is more complicated than it sounds, and what actually helped me start to dismantle the loop. I also get into the data problem. The very specific difference between someone who has been in at least one relationship and someone who hasn't, and why no amount of external reassurance fills that gap. And what changes when the evidence finally arrives. This one also has alter egos, affirmations, the male gaze running on a gendered frequency, and a moment where I look back at three versions of myself and feel genuinely grateful for all of them. If you've ever felt like confidence belonged to other people, this one's for you.

fear was always the point

In this episode, I do something I probably should have done sooner. I name the thing that's been running underneath every single episode of this season. Fear. I get into what fear actually feels like in the body, the three distinct profiles I've identified in myself, and why they all point at the same thing underneath. I talk about the difference between fear-based editing and values-based editing, why knowing where fear comes from doesn't dissolve it, and why sometimes we perform the fear itself rather than the thing we're actually afraid of. I also bring in Foucault's panopticon, the concept of projected shadow from Jung, and the paralysed analyser, the person who has every plan in place and never starts. And I talk about what's actually helped. Not a framework or a system, but two sentences. One on a hoodie. One on a wall. If you've ever stayed in the planning stage because at least there, nothing has failed yet, this one's for you. Disclaimer: this episode touches on bullying and discusses fear in the context of personal experiences that may resonate with some listeners more heavily than others.

when self awareness becomes self censorship

In this episode, I pick up where the last one left off, because the same tool that lets you understand yourself can also be turned outward and used to manage how you come across. And the line between the two is a lot blurrier than I used to think. I get into Goffman's theory of frontstage and backstage selves, the performer who exists only in my head, and the specific fear underneath all of it, the one I'm naming properly for the first time. I talk about university, the fan fiction I kept hidden for years, the small white lies that turn out to be the same habit in disguise, and what actually combats self-censorship in practice rather than just in theory. This one also gets into digital footprints, public scrutiny, and the strange daunting feeling of saying anything at all when context can be stripped away later. If you've ever built a smaller, safer, edited version of yourself and called it the real one, this one's for you. Disclaimer: this episode touches on bullying and body image.

when language gives you a mirror

In this episode, I get into something a bit lighter after the last couple of heavy ones, but it's still personal. I talk about growing up bilingual, and how that shaped a lifelong hyper-awareness of language: the blessing and the curse of being able to read what's underneath words, and what that's cost me when it comes to overthinking my own. But mostly, this episode is about the moment things finally had a name. Growing up feeling like a dot outside a circle, never quite understanding why. And how, years later, through postcolonial theory, my own heritage, and even astrology, I started finding language for things I'd been carrying without words for most of my life. I get into bullying, identity, cognitive dissonance, and what it actually means when something finally clicks into place. And I ask the question: if you found the language for something you've never quite understood about yourself, what would change? Disclaimer: this episode touches on bullying and body image.