Sex, Love, and Addiction

Erin Snow is the Clinical Director at Seeking Integrity, CSAT, and a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. She and Dr. Rob discuss a week-by-week overview of residential treatment, the key points of trauma work and treatment, and the hope that she regularly sees as addicts encounter consequences, confront early trauma, and what it really takes to heal individuals and their loved ones from addiction.    TAKEAWAYS: [2:08] Erin’s journey toward Seeking Integrity.  [4:50] The healing at Seeking Integrity focuses on much more than sex addiction.  [7:41] Key points of trauma work and treatment.  [12:15] Why is my partner connecting to their therapist but not me?  [13:43] A week-by-week overview of residential treatment.  [20:29] Attachment and connection are not what a spouse is thinking about.  [26:28] Why isn’t our relationship enough to make him change?  [31:00] What is it like for Erin being a woman working with addict men?    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing [https://sexandrelationshiphealing.com/] @RobWeissMSW [https://twitter.com/robweissmsw] Sex Addiction 101  [https://www.amazon.com/Sex-Addiction-101-Basic-Healing/dp/0757318436] Seeking Integrity [https://seekingintegrity.com/] Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment [http://www.recoveryzone.com] Partner Sexuality Survey [http://www.recoveryzone.com] Erin Snow [https://seekingintegrity.com/about-us/staff/erin-snow/] Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.    QUOTES: * “I can see an opportunity for my clients to find meaning in living again.”  * “In trauma work, you can lose yourself in the why and never move to the place of how to move on from this.”  * “Healing happens the way it's supposed to as long as you’re doing the next right thing.”

Dr. Rob and Dr. Erika Schwartz continue their discussion about the connection between intimacy and sex. She highlights the role of hormones in sex addiction and betrayal, addresses the myths of monogamy, and counters the dangerous statement that too many betraying partners tell themselves, because what you don’t know actually will hurt you, will hurt your partner, and will hurt everyone around you.     TAKEAWAYS: [1:22] Coming to peace with the trauma that happens in betrayal.  [4:25] Who were you before you came into this relationship?  [6:02] The power of opening up when overcoming betrayal trauma.  [9:08] The role of hormones in sex addiction and betrayal.  [11:10] What does monogamy look like in humans?  [14:28] The deeper hurt that comes when love appears while cheating.  [19:15] What you don’t know won’t hurt you, or will it?  [21:20] Connect with Dr. Erika Schwartz.    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing [https://sexandrelationshiphealing.com/] @RobWeissMSW [https://twitter.com/robweissmsw] Sex Addiction 101  [https://www.amazon.com/Sex-Addiction-101-Basic-Healing/dp/0757318436] Seeking Integrity [https://seekingintegrity.com/] Dr. Geoff Goodman [https://www.drgeoffgoodman.com/] Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment [http://www.recoveryzone.com] Partner Sexuality Survey [http://www.recoveryzone.com] Dr. Erika Schwartz [https://drerika.com/] Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.    QUOTES: * “If humans are monogamous, why are we all having affairs? It’s because monogamy is a choice.” * “Sexuality and intimacy are not the same. That’s when we start behaving differently.”  * “Love is the core of everything. If it’s love, move out of the way.”  * “What you don’t know will hurt me, will hurt you, and will hurt everyone around you.”

Dr. Rob and Dr. Erika Schwartz discuss the connection between intimacy and sex – what it is, how it varies based on age, gender, and culture, and what a partner’s betrayal really means about the relationship. The author of The Intimacy Solution, Dr. Erika explores the connection between sex and intimacy at all stages of life and answers the question that so many betrayed partners grapple with – “If you really loved me, why would you do this?”    TAKEAWAYS: [2:28] Dr. Erica defines the key differences between sex and intimacy. [4:45] Gender and cultural insights into sex and intimacy.  [7:48] The link between the pathology of addicts and lack of communication in relationships.  [10:27] “If you really loved me, you wouldn’t do this.”  [14:42] The reasons partners choose to leave or to stay.  [16:15] The danger of trying to hold on to the intensity of the 18-year-old life.  [17:34] Oxytocin is a key component of intimacy and connection.  [21:52] Does “in sickness and in health” apply to betrayal and addiction?  [27:15] Your partner’s addiction isn’t about you, but it is about honoring the truth.    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing [https://sexandrelationshiphealing.com/] @RobWeissMSW [https://twitter.com/robweissmsw] Sex Addiction 101  [https://www.amazon.com/Sex-Addiction-101-Basic-Healing/dp/0757318436] Seeking Integrity [https://seekingintegrity.com/] Dr. Geoff Goodman [https://www.drgeoffgoodman.com/] Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment [http://www.recoveryzone.com] Partner Sexuality Survey [http://www.recoveryzone.com] Dr. Erika Schwartz [https://drerika.com/] Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.    QUOTES: * “You can live a much easier life if you see how the other side views sexuality and intimacy.”  * “There is a lot in sexuality that we don’t talk about that we should be talking about.”  * “You have to figure out how to fix your problem. Your partner can’t do it for you.”  * “If they are everything to you, then you are nothing to yourself.”

Dr. Rob and Dr. Johanna O’Flaherty continue their discussion about trauma. How can recovering addicts find the healing that they need when trauma is still unknown? How can you gather the right team to support you in your recovery work? How can you find peace following big ‘T’ and little ‘t’ trauma? They answer these questions and consider the gift of working on yourself and the power of standing on your own two feet and finding your voice as you navigate your recovery journey.   TAKEAWAYS: [1:27] How can I find the right therapist to help with my trauma work?  [5:25] The importance of gathering the right team to support you in recovery work.  [7:20] Seeking Integrity resources that are available when finances are limited.  [9:28] Differences between big ‘T’ and little ‘t’ trauma.  [12:35] Facing the haunting vision that triggers you.  [19:10] How can I come to peace following such major violations?  [24:02] Approaching brokenness and filling the void that once came with betrayal.  [26:06] The focus of the Seeking Integrity women’s intensives is not on the spouse.  [28:17] Are you ready to accept the consequences of doing whatever you want?    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing [https://sexandrelationshiphealing.com/] @RobWeissMSW [https://twitter.com/robweissmsw] Sex Addiction 101  [https://www.amazon.com/Sex-Addiction-101-Basic-Healing/dp/0757318436] Seeking Integrity [https://seekingintegrity.com/] Dr. Geoff Goodman [https://www.drgeoffgoodman.com/] Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment [http://www.recoveryzone.com] Partner Sexuality Survey [http://www.recoveryzone.com] Dr. Johanna O’Flaherty [https://www.johannahelps.org/] Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.    QUOTES: * “Interview your therapist and find out what experience they have in trauma.”  * “The beginning of trauma work is awareness.”  * “I want you to discover the power of standing on your own two feet and finding your own voice.”  * “For every piece of work you can do on yourself, you are offering a gift to someone else.”

Dr. Rob and Dr. Johanna O’Flaherty explore trauma – what exactly is it, how does it come about, and what can you do about it? They consider the wounded healer, the importance of integrating all lived experiences to become whole again, and the role of self-forgiveness in overcoming trauma. Johanna is passionate about helping individuals heal from incident trauma, ancestral trauma, prolonged trauma, and more, and she cautions listeners against marginalizing the damaging effects of true trauma in favor of everyday difficult life experiences.   TAKEAWAYS: [1:21] A little bit about Dr. O’Flaherty and her passion for trauma recovery.  [3:54] Dr. O’Flaherty is celebrating 47 years of personal recovery.  [5:40] The archetype of the wounded healer.  [7:31] Integrating all of our experiences is an essential part of becoming whole.  [9:18] Trauma happens outside an individual’s coping skills.  [11:20] Trauma will not leave you alone until you do trauma work. [12:31] Self forgiveness is an essential first step to overcoming reenacting.  [16:44] Ancestral trauma can impact you and the next generation.  [20:42] My husband has been cheating on me. Why does ancestral trauma matter? [22:50] Incident trauma happens when an event changes a person’s entire life.  [25:45] The impact of combat trauma and prolonged trauma.  [28:02] The concept of trauma has been overutilized. What can you do to heal?    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing [https://sexandrelationshiphealing.com/] @RobWeissMSW [https://twitter.com/robweissmsw] Sex Addiction 101  [https://www.amazon.com/Sex-Addiction-101-Basic-Healing/dp/0757318436] Seeking Integrity [https://seekingintegrity.com/] Dr. Geoff Goodman [https://www.drgeoffgoodman.com/] Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment [http://www.recoveryzone.com] Partner Sexuality Survey [http://www.recoveryzone.com] Dr. Johanna O’Flaherty [https://www.johannahelps.org/] Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.    QUOTES: * “We’re all wounded in some form or another.”  * “We have to take back those wounded parts of us that we want to banish out of our minds.”  * “A traumatic event is so extraordinary that it is outside the individual’s coping abilities.”  * “Trauma will not leave you alone. It continues to raise it’s ugly head.”  * “We go into the vortex of the pain to take the power out of the memory.”  * “That which is not transformed is transmitted to the next generation.”