The Quiet Side of Becoming: For the Women Who Keep Moving the Goalpost

The Quiet Side of Becoming: For the Women Who Keep Moving the Goalpost

A wellbeing researcher once emailed her co-author about their sleep study. At 3am. His reply has stayed with me: “I can’t work on sleep with you if you don’t sleep.” That story came from my conversation with Charmi Patel, professor, associate dean, researcher, executive education leader, and Thrive mentor. But what I loved most about this conversation was not her titles. It was the way she introduced herself. Not by achievement.Not by role.Not by institution. She said she is “unapologetically becoming.” That phrase holds so much of the WanderWomen journey. Because for high-skilled immigrant women, becoming is rarely simple. You leave home.You enter rooms that were not built with someone like you in mind.You learn the rules while others seem to have inherited them.You build credibility before you are fully allowed ease.You overprepare.You outperform.You carry yourself with stamina because belonging is not offered cleanly. Charmi left India at 19 with no map, no mentor, no sponsor, and a deep instinct that there was a larger world waiting for her. What followed was not only ambition. It was stamina. She spoke about entering academia without understanding its hidden codes: publishing, journals, rankings, pedigree, institutional power, and all the invisible rules that decide who is seen as credible. That part matters. Because so much of what we call resilience in immigrant women is actually unrecognised labour. The labour of decoding systems.The labour of proving legitimacy.The labour of preparing twice as much because your presence is still being assessed.The labour of making excellence look effortless. And then, somewhere along the way, achievement starts to become noisy. Titles. Promotions. Awards. Invitations. Compliments. LinkedIn requests. Public recognition. From the outside, everything looks like success. But inside, something quieter may be happening. Charmi said: “Achievement can feel very noisy from the outside and very quiet on the inside.” That line stopped me. Because I know so many women who will understand it immediately. Women whose lives look impressive from the outside.Women who have built careers, reputations, families, businesses, networks, and new identities across borders.Women who are admired for their competence, but privately wonder: Am I still becoming?Am I on the right path?Have I outgrown the version of success I worked so hard to reach?Why do I still feel unfinished? This is not always imposter syndrome. Sometimes it is the soul asking for a different kind of success. Sometimes it is the body saying what the CV cannot. Charmi said something else that stayed with me: “The body knows when success is becoming too expensive.” That is the part many ambitious women ignore for too long. We can understand wellbeing intellectually before we practise it personally.We can research burnout while living it.We can speak about dignity while denying ourselves rest.We can teach leadership while quietly abandoning ourselves to remain credible. And the body keeps the score anyway. It knows when overpreparation has turned into self-erasure.It knows when networking has become depletion.It knows when ambition has stopped being life-giving.It knows when the next goalpost is no longer growth, but avoidance. What I appreciated in Charmi’s honesty is that she did not reduce wellbeing to bubble baths or vague self-care. She spoke about wellbeing as sustainability. The ability to do meaningful work without abandoning yourself to do it. That distinction feels essential. Especially for women who were taught that gratitude means accepting less.That hard work should speak for itself.That visibility is somehow arrogance.That keeping your head down is the respectable path. Charmi was very clear on that too. The advice she now rejects? “Keep your head down and let the work speak for itself.” Because the work does not always speak in systems that are not designed to hear everyone equally. You need voice.You need visibility.You need sponsors.You need strategy.You need the courage to name your contribution. This is one of the central tensions of the high-achieving immigrant woman’s life. You are told to be excellent, but not too visible.Grateful, but not too demanding.Adaptable, but not too different.Ambitious, but not too much.Successful, but still easy to contain. And then comes the work of unlearning. When I asked Charmi what she knows now about building a life on her own terms that she could not have known ten years ago, she said it is more about unlearning than planning. Unlearning the need to plan every breakthrough.Unlearning endless pleasing.Unlearning the belief that gratitude means accepting less.Unlearning the idea that success must look impressive from the outside to be meaningful on the inside. That is where becoming begins. Not in the next achievement. But in the courage to outgrow versions of ourselves we worked very hard to become. This conversation also reminded me why I am so committed to creating spaces where accomplished women can pause together. Not to network.Not to perform.Not to prove that they are competent. But to be witnessed without armour. Charmi said transformation needs interruption. Not a holiday.Not escape.Not a collapse. A real pause. A different kind of learning environment where women can ask questions they may not ask in boardrooms, classrooms, leadership programmes, or at home. What am I carrying that is no longer mine?What version of success am I ready to outgrow?Where have I confused stamina with sustainability?What am I becoming now? That is the deeper invitation of this episode. To stop measuring your life only by what it produces. To listen to the quieter data. The body.The longing.The exhaustion.The aliveness that returns in the right circle.The truth you already know, but have not yet given yourself permission to honour. Because success can also mean letting go of the versions of yourself you worked so hard to become. And sometimes, that is not failure. It is freedom. Listen to the full episode with Charmi Patel on the WanderWomen podcast. Get full access to Shivangi Walke at theshivangiwalke.substack.com/subscribe [https://theshivangiwalke.substack.com/subscribe?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_4]

The Leadership Shift: From Expertise to Human Connection

Leadership often looks very different from the inside than it does from the outside. From the outside, we see titles, roles, and influence.From the inside, leadership is usually shaped by uncertainty, difficult choices, and moments where we question our own direction. In the latest episode of the WanderWomen Leadership Series, I spoke with Caroline Craven Fourier, Global Head of Diversity, Inclusion & Belonging at Roche. Caroline has lived and worked across multiple countries including Germany, the UK, Belgium, Switzerland, and Singapore. Her career journey moved from procurement and operations leadership into people and culture leadership. Along the way she experienced firsthand how leadership evolves as both the world and we ourselves change. What struck me most in this conversation was not simply Caroline’s career trajectory, but the clarity with which she reflected on how leadership itself is changing. And what that means for high-skilled immigrant women navigating their careers today. The biggest leadership shift of our time For decades, leadership was associated with expertise. The leader was the person who had the answers. The one who knew more than everyone else. But that model is disappearing. As Caroline shared in our conversation, leadership today is less about expertise and more about creating the conditions for collective success. Instead of being the smartest person in the room, leaders increasingly need to: • create psychological safety• bring people along emotionally during change• connect different perspectives• help teams navigate uncertainty This shift is happening quickly, especially with the rise of AI and constant organizational change. The reality is that no one has all the answers anymore. And that’s exactly why leadership now requires deeper human skills than ever before. The lesson many leaders learn the hard way One of the most powerful reflections Caroline shared was about a belief she had earlier in her career. She believed that if she brought the right data and strong analytical arguments, change would naturally follow. But experience taught her something different. Change rarely happens because of data alone. It happens because people believe in it. As she explained, organizational change is fundamentally human, not analytical. Many transformation initiatives fail not because the strategy is wrong, but because organizations underestimate the human side of change. For leaders today, this insight is crucial. The future of leadership is not about controlling information. It is about building trust. Advice for high-skilled immigrant women During the conversation, we also talked about what this means for women navigating leadership roles across cultures. Caroline shared several pieces of advice that resonate deeply for many high-skilled immigrant women: 1. Don’t wait until you feel ready One of the most common patterns women fall into is waiting until they feel completely prepared before stepping forward. Leadership opportunities rarely come with certainty. Growth almost always begins in discomfort. 2. Stay curious Curiosity is one of the most underrated leadership skills. Asking questions builds understanding and trust. It also creates allies in environments that may initially feel unfamiliar. 3. Be willing to reinvent yourself The world of work is changing faster than ever. Careers are no longer linear. The most resilient leaders are those who remain open to reinventing themselves when circumstances shift. A powerful leadership framework Toward the end of our conversation, Caroline shared something beautifully simple that she uses to navigate major decisions. In her phone, she keeps a small note that defines what success means for her. Four principles guide her decisions: • Be healthy• Parent with care• Be financially independent• Be satisfied with my career Whenever she faces uncertainty or a major choice, she returns to these anchors. The world around her may change. But her definition of success stays constant. For me, this was one of the most powerful reminders from our conversation. In a world that constantly tries to redefine success for us, clarity about our own values becomes our greatest source of stability. A question for you If you had to write your own four lines defining success, what would they be? Not the version shaped by social expectations. But the one shaped by what truly matters to you. Because leadership does not begin with a title. It begins with knowing what you stand for. Watch full conversation with Caroline Craven Fourier here: About the WanderWomen Leadership Series The WanderWomen Leadership Series features conversations with global women leaders who have navigated careers across borders, cultures, and industries. These conversations explore leadership, identity, resilience, and the real stories behind success. About the host Shivangi Walke is a leadership coach, TEDx speaker, and author of WanderWomen: How High-Skilled Immigrant Women Thrive. She is the founder of Thrive with Mentoring, a global mentoring movement supporting women across more than 40 countries. Get full access to Shivangi Walke at theshivangiwalke.substack.com/subscribe [https://theshivangiwalke.substack.com/subscribe?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_4]

The Courage to Say No: Redefining Belonging on Your Own Terms

For many high-skilled immigrant women, leadership doesn’t begin in a boardroom.It begins much earlier. In quieter, lonelier moments.In the decisions we make long before anyone is watching. This episode marks a shift. What was once the WanderWomen Podcast is now the WanderWomen Leadership Series — a space for deeper conversations about identity, power, belonging, and the inner work that leadership actually demands. To open this new chapter, I sat down with Dr. Pariya Kashfi — Iranian-born, Sweden-based, former tech founder turned life and career designer. Her story is not one of overnight reinvention or loud rebellion.It’s about the slow, courageous act of saying no — and learning to live with what that unlocks. When “being good” starts costing you yourself Pariya grew up in Iran in a deeply religious, highly respected family.She was successful early: a strong academic career, social status, security. And yet, in her early twenties, she realised something unsettling. Saying yes — to expectations, to family norms, to prescribed ways of living — meant saying no to herself. Not dramatically.Not all at once.But consistently. That moment is familiar to many high-skilled immigrant women.We don’t leave because we’re unhappy in obvious ways.We leave because something inside us quietly stops fitting. The first leadership decision Pariya ever made wasn’t about work.It was about freedom. At 27, she moved to Sweden alone.No safety net.No guarantee.No certainty that the life she was walking away from could be rebuilt. The guilt that follows courageous choices One of the most honest parts of our conversation was about guilt. The guilt of leaving ageing parents behind.The guilt of choosing yourself when women are taught to be caretakers first.The guilt of building a “better” life elsewhere while those you love remain in systems you escaped. Pariya spoke about the moment she nearly cancelled her move — standing in her parents’ home, looking at her mother, wondering: What if she needs me and I’m not there? A friend said something that changed everything for her: If you live a life that drains you, you will have less to give — not more. This isn’t a slogan.It’s a hard truth many of us only learn after years of self-abandonment. A leadership insight many HSWIs need to hear One of the most valuable ideas Pariya shared was this: Integration often asks us to dissolve.Leadership begins when we refuse to disappear. Many high-skilled immigrant women are told — explicitly or subtly — that success comes from fitting in.Sound less emotional.Be less direct.Tone yourself down.Adapt faster. Pariya tried that. She learned the language.Built the network.Did everything “right”. And still felt unfulfilled. Her breakthrough came when she stopped treating integration as erasure and started treating her identity as an asset. Not Iranian or Swedish.But a bridge between worlds. That shift didn’t just change her personal life.It became her professional superpower. Practical reflections for high-skilled immigrant women If you’re navigating your own crossroads, here are a few grounded reflections inspired by this conversation: 1. Stop waiting to feel ready Confidence rarely comes first.Action does. Many HSWIs stay stuck waiting for clarity, permission, or certainty. Leadership often requires movement before reassurance. 2. Question who you’re trying to please Ask yourself honestly:Whose approval still runs your life?And what is it costing you? Unexamined expectations shape careers more than we realise. 3. Belonging does not require shrinking If belonging demands you dim your values, your voice, or your energy, it isn’t belonging — it’s compliance. 4. Your difference is not a liability The instincts you developed navigating cultures, languages, and systems are leadership skills.Stop treating them as baggage. 5. Self-trust is a muscle You don’t need to see the full path.You need to trust that you’ll handle what comes next — because you always have. Why this conversation matters now So many high-skilled immigrant women are exhausted not because they lack ambition, but because they’ve been leading without alignment. This episode isn’t about dramatic exits or radical reinvention.It’s about quieter leadership:The courage to say no.The decision to stop waiting.The refusal to disappear. 🎧 Listen to Episode 12 of the WanderWomen Leadership Series with Dr. Pariya Kashfi here: And if you’re craving deeper connection beyond content, spaces where you don’t have to explain yourself, the WanderWomen Circles are exactly that. → https://thewanderwomen.org/circles Small, intentional gatherings for women navigating identity, leadership, and belonging across borders. You’re not alone.And you were never meant to do this quietly. With clarity,Shivangi Get full access to Shivangi Walke at theshivangiwalke.substack.com/subscribe [https://theshivangiwalke.substack.com/subscribe?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_4]

The Power of Letting Go: Redefining Success, One Belief at a Time

There’s something powerful about beginnings, especially the ones that come after you’ve paused, reflected, and chosen to return with intention. Today marks the beginning of Season 2 of the WanderWomen Podcast, and I couldn’t have asked for a better guest to start this new chapter with than Gitanjali Ponnappa, consultant, global leader, partner at Implement Consulting Group, and founder of NegotiateHer, an initiative supporting women and people of color in negotiating their careers with confidence. We recorded this conversation just as I was turning 50. It felt symbolic, two women reflecting on reinvention, legacy, and the lightness that comes when you finally stop proving yourself and start defining success on your own terms. Gitanjali’s story spans continents: from India to the US, Singapore, Australia, South Africa, and Switzerland. Her professional trajectory is impressive, but what moved me most was the honesty with which she spoke about unlearning, especially the weight of parental expectations, the addiction to achievement, and the freedom of “earning the right to be playful.” She said something that lingered with me: “It took a tremendous amount of mental weightlifting to rest from the expectations that my parents had of me. Till recently, it mattered whether my father recognized the brand I worked for.” Many of us know that feeling all too well. The pressure to make our families proud, to represent our cultures well, to keep doing more, until one day, we realize we’re allowed to stop. Gitanjali calls her next chapter “Quiet Power.” It’s also the title of her upcoming book, one that explores how women and people of color can negotiate from a place of strength even within systems that hold the power imbalance. Our conversation touched on: * How to redefine ambition without apology. * The invisible weight of cultural conditioning. * What it really means to reinvent yourself in midlife. * The art of holding things lightly. And we ended with the reminder that sits at the heart of WanderWomen: “You are not alone. There’s someone who shares a version of your story. These experiences don’t have to isolate us, they can be the very things that bring us together.” 💚 This episode is the perfect doorway into Season 2, a season about expansion, belonging, and the quiet power that comes from knowing who you are. If you’d like to experience the kind of connection we talked about, join me at the first WanderWomen Circle in Zurich, an intimate space where we gather not to network or fix, but simply to listen deeply and remember we’re not alone. 👉 Learn more at thewanderwomen.org/circles Here’s to new seasons, quiet revolutions, and women who keep wandering toward their truth. With love,Shivangi Get full access to Shivangi Walke at theshivangiwalke.substack.com/subscribe [https://theshivangiwalke.substack.com/subscribe?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_4]

You Are the Steering Wheel: Creating Harmony in High-Stakes Worlds

“We're much more powerful than we think.”— Victoria Mensch How do you know if you're on the right path—especially when you've done everything “right” and still feel... off? This week on the WanderWomen Podcast, I sit down with Victoria Mensch, CEO of the Silicon Valley Executive Academy, a woman who’s lived many lives across many geographies. From Moscow to California to Spain to Bali, from psychologist to marketer to entrepreneur, Victoria’s story is a masterclass in bold pivots, reinvention, and internal alignment. But this episode isn’t just about success.It’s about truth. About the quiet discomfort that lingers even after you've checked all the boxes.About the inner critic that whispers, “You made a mistake,” even after following your passion.About the radical permission to pivot—again and again—until your life actually feels like your own. 🔁 Reinvention ≠ Failure Victoria reminds us that reinvention isn’t always a product of clarity. Sometimes, it’s born from exhaustion. From hitting a wall. From realizing that doing what you love doesn’t always mean loving what you do. Her story is a powerful reminder that failure is not a flaw in the system—it is the system. That freedom lives on the other side of fear, and that “faith over fear” is more than a mantra. It’s a decision we make every day. 🎒 Finding Home (Even in a Hotel Room) There’s a moment in this conversation that stayed with me: Victoria shares that every time she traveled for work, she carried a small plush toy and placed it on her hotel pillow. That was her ritual. That was her anchor. Because home, for many of us, is not a place.It’s a feeling.A familiarity we recreate over and over, wherever we land. 💼 Burnout ≠ Weakness As someone who’s worked with high-stakes corporate teams, Victoria sees firsthand how burnout sneaks in—not because we’re not capable, but because we forget to center ourselves. In this episode, she shares a free toolkit from her Burnout to Harmony program (linked in the show notes) that gives tangible steps for reclaiming peace, perspective, and purpose. 🧭 Steering Through Uncertainty What if you’re not lost? What if you’re just in transition? Victoria ends with a truth that hits hard for many of us who’ve crossed borders—geographically or emotionally: “You are always at the steering wheel. The question is: what can you do from here?” It’s a gentle but firm reminder that power doesn’t lie in perfect plans—it lies in present choices. Watch Full Episode 📕 Order the WanderWomen book – A love letter to women who dare to dream across borders: https://www.shivangiwalke.com/wanderwomen [https://www.shivangiwalke.com/wanderwomen] With courage,Shivangi This Substack is reader-supported. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to Shivangi Walke at theshivangiwalke.substack.com/subscribe [https://theshivangiwalke.substack.com/subscribe?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_4]