The Dark House Within: Rebuilding Your Identity After It Fractures

Ten Years of Running

Ten years. That's how long I stayed away from Rochester, the place where I grew up, where my parents died, where my grandparents finished raising me after everything fell apart. I told myself there was nothing left for me there. But the truth? I was running. This episode is different. It's just me. No guest, no interview. Just me telling you about what happened when I finally went back. I took my wife and daughters to Rochester for the first time. I showed them the house I grew up in, the door I took apart as a kid, the deck where I'd eat the salt off pretzels and throw them in the snow. I took my four-year-old daughter to meet her grandpa at the mausoleum. She walked right up and said, "Hi Grandpa, I love you." And I lost it. Then she asked me where my mom was. Four words from the backseat of a rental car that I had no answer to. "I don't know, sweetheart. Daddy doesn't know where she's buried." I didn't go to my mom's funeral. And sitting in that car, unable to answer my daughter's question, wasn't about guilt. It was about not having a place to bring her. No grave, no mausoleum. Just nothing. But here's what I learned: the parts of yourself you think you left behind are never really gone. They're just waiting for you to come back and find them. And going back to the place you've been avoiding might be exactly how you realize how far you've actually come. This one's raw. This one's real. And if you've ever run from a place that hurt you, I think you'll feel this one. In this episode: * Why I stayed away from Rochester for 10 years * The moment on the plane when it all hit me * Taking my daughter to meet her grandpa for the first time * The question I couldn't answer: "Where's your mom?" * Why I didn't go to my mom's funeral and what that means now * How being there unlocked memories I thought were gone * Seeing my sister, aunt, and uncle after all these years * The difference between running from grief and growing through it * What the surfer's mindset taught me about grief and joy * Why I'm not afraid anymore Going back to Rochester didn't crush me like I thought it would. It reminded me that grief and life can exist in the same place. That I'm not that scared kid anymore. And that maybe, just maybe, I don't have to run anymore. If this episode resonated with you, Robert works one-on-one with people navigating loss. Find out more at robertdelfave.com. [http://robertdelfave.com] 🌐 Visit the podcast website: https://unparented.me ✍️ Read more on Substack: https://substack.com/@robertdelfave 📩 Want to share your story on Unparented? Email me: hello@unparented.me 📸 Follow the podcast on Instagram: @theunparentedpodcast

The Dark House Within: Rebuilding Your Identity After It Fractures

This week, I'm talking with Liam J. Wakefield, a psychotherapist, counseling lecturer, and former British Army soldier who's built his entire practice around a question most of us avoid: what happens when the person you were completely falls apart? Liam lost his mother to abandonment as a child, went to war at 21, and was medically retired from the military after a chronic illness dismantled the identity he'd spent years building. He's faced grief not just from death, but from the loss of self: the fracturing that happens when the architecture of who you are can no longer hold. What makes Liam's work different is that he doesn't see healing as putting yourself back together. He sees it as learning to hold the tension between all the fractured parts: the grieving child, the masked adult, the angry protector, the exhausted survivor. He calls it "the self as continually becoming," and it's completely changed how I think about rebuilding after loss. We talk about the masks we wear to survive, the parts of ourselves we abandon to keep going, and why grief isn't something you get over. It's something you learn to carry differently. Liam also walks me through his "dark house within" practice, a tool he uses to help people visualize and navigate the psychological architecture they've built around their wounds. This conversation is deep, honest, and deeply human. If you've ever felt like you've lost yourself in grief or in just trying to survive, this one will hit. We get into: * the abandoned parts of ourselves we leave behind to survive * what it means to fracture and why it's not the same as breaking * the masks we wear and which "hands" are holding them up * his journey from rock and roll to the military to psychotherapy * why he believes suffering is an initiation into growth * the "dark house within" exercise and how it maps your psyche * how children experience grief when their needs aren't met * why authenticity is impossible and why that's okay * the parliament of parts inside all of us * voice dialogue therapy and giving your inner conflicts a voice * why time doesn't heal, it just gives perspective * how to rebuild psychological architecture after it collapses * what it means to become "more than you ever felt possible" Liam's story is a reminder that you're not broken just because you're in pieces. Sometimes the fractures are where the growth happens. If this episode resonated with you, Robert works one-on-one with people navigating loss. Find out more at robertdelfave.com. [http://robertdelfave.com] 🌐 Learn more about Liam's work: https://liamjwakefield.com [https://liamjwakefield.com] 📸 Follow Liam on Instagram: @liamjwakefield [https://instagram.com/liamjwakefield] 📰 Read Liam's articles in Hinton Magazine 🌐 Visit the podcast website: https://unparented.me [https://unparented.me] ✍️ Read more on Substack: https://substack.com/@robertdelfave [https://substack.com/@robertdelfave] 📩 Want to share your story on Unparented? Email me: hello@unparented.me [hello@unparented.me] 📸 Follow the podcast on Instagram: @theunparentedpodcast [https://instagram.com/theunparentedpodcast]

When We Start Laughing, We Start Healing

This week, I'm sitting down with Erica Richmond, a writer, grief guide, and founder of Open Sky Stories. Erica lost her ex-husband to suicide when their kids were just seven and ten. Eleven years later, she lost her dad. She's been living in grief for over a decade and has learned that the only way through it is to let it be as messy as it needs to be. What stands out about Erica is how she's held space for her kids to grieve in their own ways. They made a Lego figurine of their dad and called him Lego Dad. Her youngest drew pictures with his dad in a coffin or as a floating head in the sky. And when her ten year old asked if cremation was done with a laser beam or a flamethrower, she just went with it. Because sometimes that's all you can do. We talk about the exhaustion and blur that comes with grief, how she grew to resent being called resilient, and why dark humor became her family's way of surviving. Erica also shares how writing and creating art helped her process what words alone couldn't touch, and how that eventually became Open Sky Stories, a space for others to do the same. This conversation is honest, funny, and full of the kind of realness that only comes from someone who's been in the thick of it. If you've ever felt like you weren't grieving the right way, this one's for you. We get into: * what surprised her most about losing her dad at 49 * how her kids expressed grief through play and art * the question her son asked about cremation that caught her off guard * why she grew to resent being called resilient * the blur that comes with grief and what it actually feels like * how dark humor became a lifeline for her family * the grief group that helped more than she expected * why writing and art give her something talking can't * what she built with Open Sky Stories * what healing means when you're never really over it Erica's story is a reminder that grief doesn't have to look a certain way. Sometimes it looks like Lego Dad. Sometimes it looks like laughing at a meet and greet for dead grandpa. And that's okay. If this episode resonated with you, Robert works one-on-one with people navigating loss. Find out more at robertdelfave.com. [http://robertdelfave.com] 🌐 Learn more about Erica's work: https://openskystories.com [https://openskystories.com] 📸 Follow Erica on Instagram: @openskystories 🌐 Visit the podcast website: https://unparented.me [https://unparented.me] ✍️ Read more on Substack: https://substack.com/@robertdelfave [https://substack.com/@robertdelfave] 📩 Want to share your story on Unparented? Email me: hello@unparented.me [hello@unparented.me] 📸 Follow the podcast on Instagram: @theunparentedpodcast

I'm Sick of Grief Taking So Much Away From Me

This week, I'm sitting down with Sylvia Wolfer, a grief-informed practitioner who has experienced loss on a level that's hard to wrap your head around. She lost her father at seven. Her younger brother at 17. Her older brother at 40. And then her mother a few years later. From a family of six, only Sylvia and one brother remain. What makes this conversation different is how Sylvia has turned all of that loss into something she can actually use. Not just for herself, but for others. After years of being ambushed by grief triggers, she got angry. Not at the loss itself, but at how much grief had taken from her. She felt like she had missed out on time with her older brother because she was still so buried in grief from her younger brother's death. When he died too, something shifted. She decided she was done letting grief run the show. We talk about the neuroscience of grief, what's actually happening in the brain when we lose someone, and why understanding that can be strangely comforting. Sylvia explains the three-dimensional map the brain uses for relationships and why we still reach for the phone to call someone who's gone. She also shares practical tools for managing grief triggers, tending to the body when the heart and mind are overwhelmed, and why she schedules time to grieve on her own terms. This one gets into the science, but it never loses the human side. Sylvia is warm, honest, and somehow still full of love for life after everything she's been through. If you've ever felt like grief has taken too much from you, this conversation might help you start taking some of it back. We get into: * what it was like losing her father suddenly at seven years old * the gift her dad's death gave her, seeing the good in people * why sudden loss is especially hard on the brain * the three-dimensional map and why we still want to call people who are gone * how she realized her nervous system was completely dysregulated * the window of tolerance and how grief shrinks it * why she schedules time to grieve instead of letting it ambush her * tending to the body when the head and heart are too overwhelmed * how she continues relationships with people who are no longer here * her digital courses, guided meditations, and writing on grief Sylvia's story is proof that grief doesn't have to take everything. Sometimes, it can be the thing that finally makes you fight back. If this episode resonated with you, Robert works one-on-one with people navigating loss. Find out more at robertdelfave.com. [http://robertdelfave.com] 🌐 Learn more about Sylvia's work: https://sylviawolfer.com [https://sylviawolfer.com] 📸 Follow Sylvia on Instagram [https://www.instagram.com/_sylvia_wolfer_grief_support/] 🎧 Sylvia's Voice on Spotify [https://open.spotify.com/show/6SzujeBZxgxwPLrOAJTkvO] 🎧 Sylvia's Voice on Apple Podcasts [https://podcasts.apple.com/fr/podcast/sylvias-voice/id1542575502] 📩 Want to share your story on Unparented? Email me: hello@unparented.me [hello@unparented.me] 📸 Follow the podcast on Instagram: @theunparentedpodcast

Caring for the Parent Who Never Cared

This week, I'm sitting down with Arnold, a former corporate executive turned brain fitness coach, to talk about what it means to grow up in a home where love wasn't really on the table. His father was a military officer who brought command and control into every corner of family life. His mother, numbed by decades of SSRIs, seemed to exist in her own world. A coach once told Arnold he was "the man who grew up without love," and that phrase hit him like a freight train. Arnold lost his father at 41. He describes it as a liberation, not a loss. The constant weight of never being good enough finally lifted. Years later, he spent eight years caring for his mother as dementia and Parkinson's slowly took over. What surprised him most? He actually liked her more during those final years. With the dementia came something he had never seen before: the real version of his mother, unfiltered by status and expectation. We talk about what it's like to grieve someone you never fully had, how watching a parent decline can spark unexpected purpose, and why Arnold decided to channel all of it into brain fitness. He now helps people optimize their brains before decline ever sets in, because he saw firsthand what happens when prevention isn't part of the conversation. This conversation covers heavy ground, but Arnold doesn't sugarcoat anything. He's honest about the family dynamics that shaped him, the conscious choice to become the opposite of his father, and the daily rituals that keep him grounded now. If you've ever felt like grief made you rebuild your entire identity, this one will resonate. We get into: * what it felt like when his father's death brought relief instead of sadness * the moment on a bike ride that sparked his mission around brain health * why his mother seemed more "real" after dementia set in * the conscious decision to care for a mother who had never really cared for him * how negative examples can be more powerful than positive ones * the inner critic and why being kind to yourself sounds simple but isn't * what he would tell anyone watching a parent decline right now * why curiosity might be the simplest thing you can do for your brain Arnold's story is a reminder that grief doesn't always look like sadness. Sometimes it looks like freedom. Sometimes it looks like finally becoming the person you were always supposed to be. If this episode resonated with you, Robert works one-on-one with people navigating loss. Find out more at robertdelfave.com. [http://robertdelfave.com] 🌐 Learn more about Arnold's brain fitness work: https://braingym.fitness [https://braingym.fitness] 📩 Want to share your story on Unparented? Email me: hello@unparented.me [hello@unparented.me] 📸 Follow the podcast on Instagram: @theunparentedpodcast