Waking Up to Narcissism

"I Never Said That!" - When Your Memory Becomes the Enemy

Have you ever remembered something so vividly that it feels etched into your bones — only to have someone look at you blankly and say, “That never happened”? Have you ever started to wonder if maybe you’re the one who’s losing your mind? If so, you know the disorienting pain of questioning your own reality. In this episode, Tony Overbay, LMFT, unpacks what happens when your memory becomes the battleground in a relationship with an emotionally immature or narcissistic partner. When every disagreement seems to rewrite history, your sense of truth can start to unravel — not because you’re broken, but because your brain and body have been conditioned to survive confusion. Tony explores how: * Cognitive dissonance makes you doubt what you know is true * * Gaslighting and confabulation distort shared reality * * The false self uses denial to avoid shame * * Chronic emotional stress rewires your nervous system and memory * * Tools like gray rocking and self-regulation help you reclaim peace * Through clinical examples, evidence-based research, and hope, this episode reveals how to rebuild trust in your own perception — and why remembering that you were there is the first step toward healing. Because waking up isn’t about convincing anyone else what happened, it’s about remembering: you were right to trust yourself all along. 00:00 Introduction: The Fallibility of Memory 00:58 Healthy vs. Unhealthy Relationships 02:15 The Reality Police: Types of Memory Issues 03:14 Emotional Immaturity and Narcissism 04:12 The Impact of Chronic Invalidation 05:33 Welcome to Waking Up to Narcissism 07:00 Pam and Jim: A Story of Emotional Distortion 11:38 Cognitive Dissonance and Emotional Survival 21:06 Understanding Gaslighting 24:33 A Heartbreaking Misunderstanding 25:58 The Power of Gaslighting 26:13 Confabulation: Filling Memory Gaps 27:08 The Patchwork Quilt of Self-Image 28:18 The Cost of Emotional Immaturity 32:25 Interpersonal Neurobiology and Co-Regulation 35:37 The Impact of Chronic Stress 37:15 Rewiring Your Brain for Peace 45:29 Gray Rocking: A Strategy for Self-Protection 48:20 Reclaiming Your Sense of Calm Contact Tony at contact@tonyoverbay.com to learn more about his Emotional Architects men's group. And visit https://julie-dejesus.com/cruise to learn more about Tony and his friend Julie De Jesus's "I See You Living" cruise, a 5-night Western Caribbean Cruise from January 24-29, 2026 aboard the Royal Caribbean Cruise Line.  To learn more about Tony's upcoming re-release of the Magnetic Marriage course, his Pathback Recovery course, and more, sign up for his newsletter through the link at https://linktr.ee/virtualcouch [https://linktr.ee/virtualcouch] Available NOW: Tony's "Magnetic Marriage Mini-Course" is only $25. https://magneticmarriage.mykajabi.com/magnetic-marriage-mini-course [https://magneticmarriage.mykajabi.com/magnetic-marriage-mini-course] You can learn more about Tony's pornography recovery program, The Path Back, by visiting http://pathbackrecovery.com

Stop Trying to Explain Yourself to the Narcissist: Why Explanations Make Things Worse

Do you ever feel like no matter how much you explain yourself, your words just get turned against you? In this episode of Waking Up to Narcissism, Tony Overbay, LMFT, breaks down why explanations don’t lead to understanding with a narcissist—or with anyone who is deeply emotionally immature. Instead, they become what Tony calls an “attack surface”: the very fuel that allows the narcissist to twist, criticize, or position themselves as the victim. Through a painfully familiar story of a wife trying to share her day and a husband who withdraws into silence, Tony unpacks: * Why silence is a weapon for the narcissist—and why it spikes anxiety for the pathologically kind partner * * How emotionally immature people thrive on friction and conflict rather than true connection * * The cycle of narcissistic supply (idealization, devaluation, and discard) and how it shows up in daily interactions * * The difference between secure attachment and antagonistic attachment * * Five rules for protecting yourself and reducing “attack surfaces” in conversations * If you’ve ever found yourself over-explaining, apologizing for things that weren’t your fault, or walking on eggshells to avoid conflict, this episode will help you recognize the patterns, reclaim your emotional energy, and begin to shift the dynamic. Your kindness is a gift—but when explanations only make things worse, it’s time to understand why. 00:00 Introduction and Acknowledgements 00:52 Understanding Substack and Blogging 02:11 Disclaimer and Episode Overview 02:47 Narcissism in Relationships 07:25 The Real-Life Story Begins 11:39 Analyzing the Narcissistic Behavior 19:13 Secure Attachment vs. Narcissistic Attachment 25:58 The Concept of Attack Surface 35:18 The Silent Treatment: A Narcissist's Weapon 35:51 The Parasitic Dynamic in Narcissistic Relationships 39:20 The Narcissistic Supply Cycle 43:51 Codependency and Pathological Kindness 51:41 Strategies for Dealing with Narcissists 56:05 Breaking the Cycle: Reclaiming Your Power 01:01:32 The Importance of Documentation 01:07:57 Key Takeaways and Final Thoughts Contact Tony at contact@tonyoverbay.com to learn more about his Emotional Architects men's group. And visit https://julie-dejesus.com/cruise to learn more about Tony and his friend Julie De Jesus's "I See You Living" cruise, a 5-night Western Caribbean Cruise from January 24-29, 2026 aboard the Royal Caribbean Cruise Line.  To learn more about Tony's upcoming re-release of the Magnetic Marriage course, his Pathback Recovery course, and more, sign up for his newsletter through the link at https://linktr.ee/virtualcouch [https://linktr.ee/virtualcouch] Available NOW: Tony's "Magnetic Marriage Mini-Course" is only $25. https://magneticmarriage.mykajabi.com/magnetic-marriage-mini-course [https://magneticmarriage.mykajabi.com/magnetic-marriage-mini-course] You can learn more about Tony's pornography recovery program, The Path Back, by visiting http://pathbackrecovery.com

On the Other Side of the Couch: What I Learned Losing My Mom

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THE PERSON WHO USUALLY HAS THE ANSWERS FINDS HIMSELF SITTING IN THE UNKNOWN? IN THIS DEEPLY PERSONAL EPISODE, LICENSED MARRIAGE AND FAMILY THERAPIST TONY OVERBAY SHARES HIS RAW, HONEST EXPERIENCE OF LOSING HIS MOTHER - NOT AS A CLINICIAN OFFERING GUIDANCE, BUT AS A SON NAVIGATING GRIEF FOR THE FIRST TIME. TONY OPENS WITH A TOUCHING STORY ABOUT HIS MOM'S LIFELONG BELIEF THAT HE WAS A "REAL DOCTOR," LEADING TO AN UNEXPECTEDLY PROFOUND MOMENT IN THE ICU. HE THEN SITS DOWN WITH Q&A FILES CO-HOST TRISHA JAMISON FOR AN UNFILTERED CONVERSATION ABOUT WHAT IT'S REALLY LIKE WHEN THE HELPER BECOMES THE ONE WHO NEEDS HELP. THIS ISN'T A CLINICAL DISCUSSION ABOUT THE STAGES OF GRIEF - IT'S A HUMAN EXPLORATION OF SITTING BEDSIDE FOR FOUR DAYS, THE HUMOR THAT EMERGES IN DARK MOMENTS, THE SPIRITUAL EXPERIENCES YOU HOPE FOR BUT MIGHT NOT GET, AND WHY "LET ME KNOW IF YOU NEED ANYTHING" MIGHT NOT BE AS HELPFUL AS WE THINK. WHETHER YOU'RE PROCESSING YOUR OWN LOSS, SUPPORTING SOMEONE WHO IS, OR SIMPLY CURIOUS ABOUT WHAT HAPPENS WHEN LIFE FLIPS THE SCRIPT ON A MENTAL HEALTH PROFESSIONAL, THIS CONVERSATION OFFERS SOMETHING REAL. IT'S MESSY, IT'S HONEST, AND IT'S ULTIMATELY ABOUT BEING HUMAN ENOUGH TO SIT WITH THE QUESTIONS WHEN YOU DON'T HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS. TOPICS COVERED: GRIEF PROCESSING, END-OF-LIFE CARE, FAMILY DYNAMICS, THERAPEUTIC INSIGHTS, HUMOR AS COPING MECHANISM, SUPPORTING OTHERS IN LOSS, ACCEPTANCE AND COMMITMENT THERAPY IN PRACTICE. CONTENT NOTE: THIS EPISODE CONTAINS FRANK DISCUSSIONS ABOUT DEATH, DYING, AND THE PHYSICAL ASPECTS OF END-OF-LIFE CARE. 00:00 Introduction and Announcements 02:25 Personal Loss: The Passing of My Mom 03:44 Understanding the Role of a Therapist 06:05 A Story of Misunderstanding: My Mom Thought I Was a Doctor 15:10 A Therapist's Perspective on Grief 17:58 Conversation with Tricia Jameson: Grief and Grace 34:30 Exploring the Nature of Memory 35:54 Humor as a Coping Mechanism 38:59 Seeking Spiritual Experiences 42:07 Navigating Grief and Loss 48:26 Reflecting on Personal Growth 52:01 Supporting Others Through Grief 58:49 Concluding Thoughts and Farewell Contact Tony at contact@tonyoverbay.com to learn more about his Emotional Architects men's group. And visit https://julie-dejesus.com/cruise to learn more about Tony and his friend Julie De Jesus's "I See You Living" cruise, a 5-night Western Caribbean Cruise from January 24-29, 2026 aboard the Royal Caribbean Cruise Line.  To learn more about Tony's upcoming re-release of the Magnetic Marriage course, his Pathback Recovery course, and more, sign up for his newsletter through the link at https://linktr.ee/virtualcouch [https://linktr.ee/virtualcouch] Available NOW: Tony's "Magnetic Marriage Mini-Course" is only $25. https://magneticmarriage.mykajabi.com/magnetic-marriage-mini-course [https://magneticmarriage.mykajabi.com/magnetic-marriage-mini-course] You can learn more about Tony's pornography recovery program, The Path Back, by visiting http://pathbackrecovery.com

Would You Rather Be Liked—or True to Yourself? The High Cost of Integrity in Marriage, Parenting, Faith, and Work

Would you rather be liked—or be true to yourself? It sounds simple, but what happens when staying true to your values could cost you your job, your marriage, your faith community, or your friendships? In today’s episode of The Virtual Couch Presents, Tony Overbay, LMFT, dives into the real difference between character (the traits others see in us) and integrity (the alignment of our actions with our deepest values). Through stories pulled from the legal world, faith communities, workplaces, friendships, and even the messy reality of parenting, Tony explores how external validation can pull us away from who we are—and how emotional maturity, self-determination, and values-based living bring us back home to ourselves. You’ll hear about billion-dollar law firms making impossible choices, parents navigating the tension between community expectations and their child’s authenticity, and why even a heated debate over pizza sauce in a Hot Pocket can reveal where integrity really lives. At the end of the episode, stay tuned for a short guided meditation to help you connect with your own values and discover how to live them out with integrity. And don’t miss the chance to grab a cheat sheet of this episode and Tony’s Values Exercise, a simple but powerful tool to help you start discovering who you truly are. This is not about guilt or shame. It’s about curiosity, growth, and finding the courage to live with integrity—even when it costs you. 00:00 Welcome to the Virtual Couch 00:50 The Dilemma: Being Liked vs. Being True to Yourself 01:36 Exploring Character and Integrity 02:58 Upcoming Cruise and Workshops 04:04 Character vs. Integrity: Real-Life Examples 14:14 The Legal World: Integrity Under Pressure 33:21 Self-Determination Theory and Emotional Maturity 35:53 Intrinsic Motivation and Self-Determination Theory 36:56 Autonomy, Competence, and Relatedness 37:42 External Rewards and Burnout 38:39 Real-World Examples of Integrity 39:42 Sophia's Journey to Integrity 42:16 Daniel's Struggle with Values 45:12 Integrity in Different Contexts 58:06 Faith and Integrity 01:06:15 Guided Meditation: Coming Home to Your Values Contact Tony at contact@tonyoverbay.com to learn more about his Emotional Architects men's group. And visit https://julie-dejesus.com/cruise to learn more about Tony and his friend Julie De Jesus's "I See You Living" cruise, a 5-night Western Caribbean Cruise from January 24-29, 2026 aboard the Royal Caribbean Cruise Line.  To learn more about Tony's upcoming re-release of the Magnetic Marriage course, his Pathback Recovery course, and more, sign up for his newsletter through the link at https://linktr.ee/virtualcouch Available NOW: Tony's "Magnetic Marriage Mini-Course" is only $25. https://magneticmarriage.mykajabi.com/magnetic-marriage-mini-course You can learn more about Tony's pornography recovery program, The Path Back, by visiting http://pathbackrecovery.com

Blinded by Belief: How Your Brain Defends Its Favorite Story - Even When It's Wrong!

Have you ever tried to change someone’s mind—and watched them dig in even deeper? Or wondered why, even when you want to change your own beliefs, it feels like pushing against an invisible force? In this episode, Tony Overbay, LMFT, takes you on a journey that starts with a teenage quest for the perfect tan and ends with a powerful realization about how we construct our social realities. After sharing a personal story about undergoing a dramatic topical chemotherapy treatment for actinic keratosis, Tony reflects on how his temporarily altered appearance changed the way people interacted with him—and how it altered the way he saw himself. This experience sets the stage for a breakdown of the groundbreaking Dartmouth scar study, which revealed that the belief that you’re being judged can actually create that experience—regardless of reality. From there, Tony dives into the science of confirmation bias: how our brains are wired to seek out information that supports what we already believe, and how this cognitive shortcut influences everything from politics and religion to parenting and marriage. You’ll hear real-life examples, client stories (with details changed for confidentiality), and powerful metaphors that unpack why belief change is so hard—and why it’s also essential for personal growth, emotional maturity, and deeper human connection. 00:00 The Quest for the Perfect Tan 00:35 A Dermatologist's Warning 01:33 The Chemotherapy Cream Experience 02:27 Social Reactions to Visible Differences 05:20 The Dartmouth Scar Study 06:24 The Power of Perception 15:25 Confirmation Bias in Action 32:47 Interpreting Neutral Events 33:04 Religion and Coincidences 33:34 Selective Memory in Parenting and Beyond 34:58 Confirmation Bias in Action 36:23 Client Story: Recognizing Bias 40:32 Vaccine Hesitancy and Confirmation Bias 44:58 The Scar Study and Confirmation Bias 54:56 Evolutionary Roots of Belief Protection 57:33 Modern Challenges and Professional Competence 01:01:49 Conclusion and Listener Engagement Contact Tony at contact@tonyoverbay.com to learn more about his Emotional Architects men's group. And visit https://julie-dejesus.com/cruise to learn more about Tony and his friend Julie De Jesus's "I See You Living" cruise, a 5-night Western Caribbean Cruise from January 24-29, 2026 aboard the Royal Caribbean Cruise Line.