#057 The Perfectionist and the People Pleaser

#057 The Perfectionist and the People Pleaser

Once upon a time, there was a girl named Ashlea. She was good at everything, she was the one who kept everyone okay, and from the outside she looked like she had it all figured out. She was also exhausted all the time and had no idea who she actually was. In this solo episode, I'm telling that story — mine, and maybe yours too — and unpacking the two survival patterns that ran my life for a long time: perfectionism and people pleasing. We're not treating these like bad habits you need more discipline to break. We're looking at them the way they actually work: as nervous system strategies your body learned to keep you safe. We get into perfectionism as a flight response — the foot-on-the-gas, plan-for-everything, control-it-all way of trying to outrun threat — and why it leaves you frozen and exhausted at the same time. Then we get into people pleasing as the fawn response: the gazelle who pours tea for the lion to make the threat go away, and the quiet, devastating cost of that — the masks, the lost preferences, the disappearing self. And then we turn toward the way out. Because here's the thing you've heard me say before, and I'll keep saying it: you're not broken. You've been programmed. And programming can be rewritten. WHAT WE COVER * Why your nervous system is a prediction machine — and how the "what-ifs" are a survival system doing its job * Perfectionism as flight: control as a strategy to make the world feel safe * Why perfectionism keeps you stuck, indecisive, and exhausted with your foot on the gas * Why a small mistake can feel like an identity-level emergency * People pleasing as fawn: befriending the threat instead of fighting or fleeing it * The real cost of people pleasing — the loss of self, the masks, not knowing what you even like * How these patterns get wired early, before we have language or choice * Why we keep recreating the exact situations and relationships that reinforce them * The turn: thanking the pattern, sending your nervous system the memo, and living from the future forward CAMPFIRE REFLECTION FOR THIS WEEK Where in your life are you still running a strategy that you don't need anymore? Tiny experiment: pick one low-stakes place this week and let it be imperfect on purpose, or let yourself have the unpopular preference. Then notice that you survived it. That's a rep. CONNECT & GO DEEPER * Nervous system work, hypnotherapy, and coaching: ashleadillard.com [http://ashleadillard.com] * More episodes and resources: sitaroundthefire.org [http://sitaroundthefire.org] * Share this episode with someone who's always been "the strong one."

#056: Breaking the Silence: Trauma and Healing in First Responders — with Keven McNeill

Most of us think the clock on trauma starts the first day on the job. Keven McNeill is here to tell you it started a long time before that. In this episode, Keven shares his journey through law enforcement, a defining 2016 incident, and the depression and PTSD that followed — and the long road back. What makes his story land isn't just the hard parts. It's the honesty about how trauma accumulates quietly, how it follows you home, and how the same hypervigilance that keeps you alive on shift can quietly take apart your life off the clock. As a former firefighter and paramedic, I've sat in a version of this. The culture, the pride, the unspoken rule that you handle it. Keven and I get into all of it — and where that culture has to change. We talk about what proactive mental health actually looks like (not the version you reach for after everything's already on fire), why leadership has to be part of the solution, and how the bravest thing a responder can do is find their voice and ask for help. In this conversation: * Why trauma doesn't start with the uniform — and how childhood shapes who's drawn to this work * Keven's 2016 incident and the aftermath that pulled him into a deep depression * The toll 2020 took on first responders, and the weight of deadly-force decisions * Hypervigilance — how it shows up at the dinner table, not just on duty, and why it's so hard to switch off * Where leadership fails responders, and what it looks like when leaders "act like humans" * Rebuilding identity and purpose after the career, and the journey to acceptance and giving back Resources mentioned: EMDR Therapy — https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/EMDR [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/EMDR] Acute Stress Adaptive Protocol (ASAP) — https://www.firstrespondercenter.com/ [https://www.firstrespondercenter.com/] Connect with Keven McNeil: LinkedIn — https://linkedin.com/in/kevinmcneil [https://linkedin.com/in/kevinmcneil] Keven's Books [https://urldefense.proofpoint.com/v2/url?u=https-3A__www.amazon.com_stores_author_B0DSC52TL8_about-3Fccs-5Fid-3De02c19f8-2D892a-2D4e95-2Db7cf-2D41406c28f16d&d=DwMFaQ&c=euGZstcaTDllvimEN8b7jXrwqOf-v5A_CdpgnVfiiMM&r=ErgBFnSjPcKNka3UhHVkvSKW5-a1mQgsq2JOAx_WeL0&m=jk5UFYx4pSVHKaMz9sgwCMt-CHLX7bWNhjB_yE6PrnP3rRfQ5VXdTC3h8fSJDSyX&s=kSSgAZ_8jADjHZGVFdAxx_K-xyxytwR8Lb4o2V-vJVQ&e=] More from Sit Around the Fire: If this one hit home, you're not alone — and you don't have to carry it alone. For more conversations like this, the podcast, and the work I do with first responders and anyone ready to heal, head to sitaroundthefire.org [http://sitaroundthefire.org] and ashleadillard.com [http://ashleadillard.com].

#055 The Most Important Investment You'll Ever Make

We pour money, time, and energy into everything outside of ourselves — our kids, our businesses, our homes, the people who depend on us — and then we wonder why we feel so depleted. In this episode, Ashlea makes the case that investing in yourself isn't the luxury you get to once everything else is handled. It's the foundation everything else is built on. Drawing on her background in emergency services and her work as a Licensed Professional Counselor and clinical hypnotherapist, Ashlea walks through three arenas of self-investment — therapy, coaching, and physical health — and reframes each through the lens of the nervous system and the brain. You'll learn why the guilt you feel when you choose yourself is just old programming defending itself, why you are the single asset that produces every other return in your life, and how to make one concrete investment in yourself this week. This one's a permission slip and a strategy, all at once. WHAT WE COVER * Why investing in yourself feels so hard — and why the resistance isn't a stop sign * How your brain runs the "path of least resistance" and why familiar isn't the same as safe * Therapy as the investment in understanding where you've been — working on the rudder * Coaching as the investment in where you're going — living from the future forward * Physical health as nervous system care, not vanity — tending the vessel * The compound interest of self-investment and why waiting is the most expensive choice * The reframe that changes everything: you are the source EPISODE TIMESTAMPS (Adjust to final recording.) * 00:00 — Intro * 01:30 — When was the last time you invested in you? * 04:00 — Why this is so hard: the programming and the prediction machine * 08:00 — Therapy: the investment in understanding yourself (the rudder) * 13:00 — Coaching: the investment in where you're going * 18:00 — Physical health: the investment in the vessel * 23:00 — The investment frame: why this is the highest return * 27:00 — One step to take this week + how to work together KEY TAKEAWAY You are the asset that produces every other return in your life. Investing in yourself doesn't take away from the people you love — it increases the value of the one source they're all depending on. WORK WITH ASHLEA Clinical psychotherapy and hypnotherapy (Colorado) and one-on-one coaching (available inside and outside Colorado). Start a conversation at ashleadillard.com [http://ashleadillard.com]. LINKS * Website & resources: sitaroundthefire.org [http://sitaroundthefire.org] * Work with Ashlea: ashleadillard.com [http://ashleadillard.com]

#054 From Trauma to Triumph: Packy Dempsey Shares His Journey Through the Fire

This episode hits hard. Packy Dempsey, a retired law enforcement officer, takes us deep into the moment that changed everything — and how he turned that crucible into a mission of healing, not just for himself, but for first responders and military alike. We don't skip past the hard parts. Packy walks us through the four seconds that nearly ended his life, the chaos on scene, and the aftermath that no academy prepares you for: the guilt, the shame, the silent onset of addiction, and the dangerous belief that strength means carrying it alone. Then he shows us the other side — the brotherhood, the faith, the daily practices, and the radical gratitude that brought him back to life. This is a conversation about what it really costs to do this work, and what it takes to heal from it. Get ready to feel, reflect, and find the courage to face your own battles. In this episode: * The life-altering four seconds that nearly took Packy's life and changed his world forever * The raw truth behind police trauma, accountability, and the mental toll of critical incidents * How complacency, identity, and the "Superman complex" can be deadly in high-stakes roles * The importance of vulnerability, trust, and brotherhood among first responders * Practical tools — daily habits, training, and faith — that help Packy stay prepared and resilient * The transformative power of gratitude and community in healing from trauma * A first look at Packy's upcoming book, which pairs vulnerability with authentic proof of survival and victory * A powerful call for men and women to break the silence, lean into support, and never fall alone Timestamps: * 00:00 — Introduction: One of the toughest stories we've heard * 00:27 — Who was Packy before the moment that changed everything? * 02:47 — From mundane to miraculous: the story behind the four seconds * 04:18 — The chaos of the incident: a detailed recount of the critical moments on scene * 07:25 — The struggle to control the situation and the near loss of life * 09:40 — The mental and physical toll during and after the shooting * 11:29 — Understanding the psychological impact of police trauma * 15:10 — The real cost of high-stakes decision-making and the aftermath * 16:43 — How the trauma affected Packy's mental health and his journey to recovery * 21:06 — The role of support, vulnerability, and brotherhood in healing * 25:05 — The long road to mental peace: guilt, shame, and healing * 27:00 — How faith and community sustained Packy through his darkest days * 28:34 — The subtle but dangerous onset of addiction and coping mechanisms * 30:37 — The miraculous gift of gratitude in survival and recovery * 31:08 — What to do when you suspect someone is silently suffering * 36:52 — Behind the scenes of Packy's upcoming book and how it's a tool for healing * 38:32 — Training your mind: the key to readiness in emergencies * 39:28 — Final words of wisdom: face tomorrow with courage, not fear Resources & Links: * Packy Dempsey — Official Website: https://www.packydempsey.com/ [https://www.packydempsey.com/] * Crossroads of Trauma and Triumph (book coming soon — check back for release) * Work with Ashlea: ashleadillard.com [http://ashleadillard.com]

#053 Be the Queen You Already Are

Most women are waiting for permission to fully step into their power — but what if confidence isn't something you build? What if it's already inside you, ready to be claimed? In this special release episode of Sit Around the Fire, licensed professional counselor and clinical hypnotherapist Ashlea Dillard delivers a fiery, unfiltered message for every woman who's been playing small, waiting for the right moment, or surviving behind armor she no longer needs to wear. Ashlea breaks down the neuroscience behind why women hold back — how the nervous system codes growth as danger — and why courage isn't a feeling you wait for. It's a decision. A practice. A rewiring. You'll discover the powerful concept of "living from the future forward": how mental rehearsal and visualization aren't positive thinking — they're a brain-building blueprint. And you'll be introduced to the queen mindset: deep self-possession, unwavering decision, and the ability to walk into any room radiating authority — not because you've healed everything, but because you've decided who you are. This episode is for the woman who's tired of shrinking. Who's ready to stop leading from fear and start leading from love, abundance, and her own unshakeable truth. Your power is already in you. All that's left is to claim it.