#059 Don’t Wait Until You’re Healed to Be in a Relationship

#059 Don’t Wait Until You’re Healed to Be in a Relationship

So many people believe they need to be fully healed before they can be in a relationship. But what if that belief is actually keeping us isolated? In this episode of Sit Around the Fire, Ashlea Dillard explores why relationships are not just something we enter after healing — they are often one of the places healing actually happens. Drawing from psychodynamic theory, Jungian psychology, attachment theory, object relations theory, and humanistic psychology, Ashlea breaks down how relationships reveal unconscious patterns, activate old wounds, mirror hidden parts of ourselves, and give the nervous system new experiences of safety, repair, and connection. This episode is not about staying in unsafe or harmful relationships. It is about understanding the difference between being activated and being harmed, and recognizing that safe-enough relationships can become powerful spaces for growth, awareness, and healing. You do not have to be perfect to be loved. You are allowed to be loved while you are still learning.

#058 Start With Five Minutes: A Real Talk on Meditation with Mark Blacknell

What does it actually take to go from survival mode to a settled nervous system? In this episode, I sit down with Mark Blacknell — who grew up navigating a tough childhood in Philadelphia, served in the Marines, and found his way to meditation and a life built around balance. This conversation is for anyone who's ever thought meditation "isn't for them," or tried it once, white-knuckled through 30 minutes, and quit. Mark breaks it all the way down: start small, build slow, and stop chasing some far-off enlightenment. Because as he puts it, enlightenment is just acting naturally. We get into Mark's story from Philly to the Marines, how nature and meditation cracked something open for him, what it looks like to bring this practice into a real community, and why balance — not perfection — is the whole point. You're not broken. You've been programmed. And practices like these are how you start living from the future forward. In this episode: * Mark's childhood and military background, and what set the stage for change * How nature and meditation became a turning point * Practical, beginner-friendly meditation techniques (no incense required) * Why "balance is life, like the sun and earth" * Meditation as a lifestyle — not a 30-minute chore * What death and the present moment taught Mark about being alive Chapters: 00:00 Introduction to Authentic Conversations 01:41 Creating a Safe Space for Discussion 03:12 Mark's Journey: From Philly to the Marines 09:29 Transformation Through Nature and Meditation 15:48 The Impact of Meditation on Life 22:50 Bringing Meditation to the Community 29:45 Understanding Meditation: A Practical Approach 31:04 The Interconnection of Life and Spirituality 32:48 Meditation: Starting Small and Building Up 36:16 The Journey of Meditation: Expectations and Realizations 38:41 Understanding Enlightenment and Authenticity 41:08 Balance in Life: The Art of Meditation 45:09 Life as a Continuous Practice of Meditation 48:13 Appreciating the Present: Lessons from Life and Death Resources mentioned: * StareAtTheWall.org [http://StareAtTheWall.org] → https://stareatthewall.org [https://stareatthewall.org] * Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind by Shunryu Suzuki → https://www.amazon.com/dp/0804814804 [https://www.amazon.com/dp/0804814804] * The Tassajara Bread Book by Edward Espe Brown → https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00A4U4V4Q [https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00A4U4V4Q] Connect with Mark: Website → https://stareatthewall.org [https://stareatthewall.org] 🔥 Listen, subscribe, and sit around the fire with us: sitaroundthefire.org [http://sitaroundthefire.org] ashleadillard.com [http://ashleadillard.com]

#057 The Perfectionist and the People Pleaser

Once upon a time, there was a girl named Ashlea. She was good at everything, she was the one who kept everyone okay, and from the outside she looked like she had it all figured out. She was also exhausted all the time and had no idea who she actually was. In this solo episode, I'm telling that story — mine, and maybe yours too — and unpacking the two survival patterns that ran my life for a long time: perfectionism and people pleasing. We're not treating these like bad habits you need more discipline to break. We're looking at them the way they actually work: as nervous system strategies your body learned to keep you safe. We get into perfectionism as a flight response — the foot-on-the-gas, plan-for-everything, control-it-all way of trying to outrun threat — and why it leaves you frozen and exhausted at the same time. Then we get into people pleasing as the fawn response: the gazelle who pours tea for the lion to make the threat go away, and the quiet, devastating cost of that — the masks, the lost preferences, the disappearing self. And then we turn toward the way out. Because here's the thing you've heard me say before, and I'll keep saying it: you're not broken. You've been programmed. And programming can be rewritten. WHAT WE COVER * Why your nervous system is a prediction machine — and how the "what-ifs" are a survival system doing its job * Perfectionism as flight: control as a strategy to make the world feel safe * Why perfectionism keeps you stuck, indecisive, and exhausted with your foot on the gas * Why a small mistake can feel like an identity-level emergency * People pleasing as fawn: befriending the threat instead of fighting or fleeing it * The real cost of people pleasing — the loss of self, the masks, not knowing what you even like * How these patterns get wired early, before we have language or choice * Why we keep recreating the exact situations and relationships that reinforce them * The turn: thanking the pattern, sending your nervous system the memo, and living from the future forward CAMPFIRE REFLECTION FOR THIS WEEK Where in your life are you still running a strategy that you don't need anymore? Tiny experiment: pick one low-stakes place this week and let it be imperfect on purpose, or let yourself have the unpopular preference. Then notice that you survived it. That's a rep. CONNECT & GO DEEPER * Nervous system work, hypnotherapy, and coaching: ashleadillard.com [http://ashleadillard.com] * More episodes and resources: sitaroundthefire.org [http://sitaroundthefire.org] * Share this episode with someone who's always been "the strong one."

#056: Breaking the Silence: Trauma and Healing in First Responders — with Keven McNeill

Most of us think the clock on trauma starts the first day on the job. Keven McNeill is here to tell you it started a long time before that. In this episode, Keven shares his journey through law enforcement, a defining 2016 incident, and the depression and PTSD that followed — and the long road back. What makes his story land isn't just the hard parts. It's the honesty about how trauma accumulates quietly, how it follows you home, and how the same hypervigilance that keeps you alive on shift can quietly take apart your life off the clock. As a former firefighter and paramedic, I've sat in a version of this. The culture, the pride, the unspoken rule that you handle it. Keven and I get into all of it — and where that culture has to change. We talk about what proactive mental health actually looks like (not the version you reach for after everything's already on fire), why leadership has to be part of the solution, and how the bravest thing a responder can do is find their voice and ask for help. In this conversation: * Why trauma doesn't start with the uniform — and how childhood shapes who's drawn to this work * Keven's 2016 incident and the aftermath that pulled him into a deep depression * The toll 2020 took on first responders, and the weight of deadly-force decisions * Hypervigilance — how it shows up at the dinner table, not just on duty, and why it's so hard to switch off * Where leadership fails responders, and what it looks like when leaders "act like humans" * Rebuilding identity and purpose after the career, and the journey to acceptance and giving back Resources mentioned: EMDR Therapy — https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/EMDR [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/EMDR] Acute Stress Adaptive Protocol (ASAP) — https://www.firstrespondercenter.com/ [https://www.firstrespondercenter.com/] Connect with Keven McNeil: LinkedIn — https://linkedin.com/in/kevinmcneil [https://linkedin.com/in/kevinmcneil] Keven's Books [https://urldefense.proofpoint.com/v2/url?u=https-3A__www.amazon.com_stores_author_B0DSC52TL8_about-3Fccs-5Fid-3De02c19f8-2D892a-2D4e95-2Db7cf-2D41406c28f16d&d=DwMFaQ&c=euGZstcaTDllvimEN8b7jXrwqOf-v5A_CdpgnVfiiMM&r=ErgBFnSjPcKNka3UhHVkvSKW5-a1mQgsq2JOAx_WeL0&m=jk5UFYx4pSVHKaMz9sgwCMt-CHLX7bWNhjB_yE6PrnP3rRfQ5VXdTC3h8fSJDSyX&s=kSSgAZ_8jADjHZGVFdAxx_K-xyxytwR8Lb4o2V-vJVQ&e=] More from Sit Around the Fire: If this one hit home, you're not alone — and you don't have to carry it alone. For more conversations like this, the podcast, and the work I do with first responders and anyone ready to heal, head to sitaroundthefire.org [http://sitaroundthefire.org] and ashleadillard.com [http://ashleadillard.com].

#055 The Most Important Investment You'll Ever Make

We pour money, time, and energy into everything outside of ourselves — our kids, our businesses, our homes, the people who depend on us — and then we wonder why we feel so depleted. In this episode, Ashlea makes the case that investing in yourself isn't the luxury you get to once everything else is handled. It's the foundation everything else is built on. Drawing on her background in emergency services and her work as a Licensed Professional Counselor and clinical hypnotherapist, Ashlea walks through three arenas of self-investment — therapy, coaching, and physical health — and reframes each through the lens of the nervous system and the brain. You'll learn why the guilt you feel when you choose yourself is just old programming defending itself, why you are the single asset that produces every other return in your life, and how to make one concrete investment in yourself this week. This one's a permission slip and a strategy, all at once. WHAT WE COVER * Why investing in yourself feels so hard — and why the resistance isn't a stop sign * How your brain runs the "path of least resistance" and why familiar isn't the same as safe * Therapy as the investment in understanding where you've been — working on the rudder * Coaching as the investment in where you're going — living from the future forward * Physical health as nervous system care, not vanity — tending the vessel * The compound interest of self-investment and why waiting is the most expensive choice * The reframe that changes everything: you are the source EPISODE TIMESTAMPS (Adjust to final recording.) * 00:00 — Intro * 01:30 — When was the last time you invested in you? * 04:00 — Why this is so hard: the programming and the prediction machine * 08:00 — Therapy: the investment in understanding yourself (the rudder) * 13:00 — Coaching: the investment in where you're going * 18:00 — Physical health: the investment in the vessel * 23:00 — The investment frame: why this is the highest return * 27:00 — One step to take this week + how to work together KEY TAKEAWAY You are the asset that produces every other return in your life. Investing in yourself doesn't take away from the people you love — it increases the value of the one source they're all depending on. WORK WITH ASHLEA Clinical psychotherapy and hypnotherapy (Colorado) and one-on-one coaching (available inside and outside Colorado). Start a conversation at ashleadillard.com [http://ashleadillard.com]. LINKS * Website & resources: sitaroundthefire.org [http://sitaroundthefire.org] * Work with Ashlea: ashleadillard.com [http://ashleadillard.com]