Finding Good

Step 12 - Wilson (AA)

Wilson did not find any hope at his first AA meeting. ‘I saw the 12 Steps on the wall, and my first impression was, ‘I’m going to die because they’re asking me to believe in fairy tales,’ when I saw the word, ‘God’ throughout the steps.’ But after the meeting, a man talked to him and explained the detox symptoms Wilson was going through because that man had gone through the same thing himself. That connection was the reason Wilson went back to another meeting. He shares that working the steps, staying involved in AA, and being a sponsor has changed him, even if he can’t point to when or how. Now, practicing Step 12 by reaching out to other alcoholics is central to his life. ‘I have a genuine caring for people that I don’t think I ever had before…I mean I cared about people but it wasn’t at a core level. Now it’s there. And when I see a new comer come in, I care for that person without any sort of reservation, without any sort of judgement in a way I never had before. I just want to help them. It’s really a big deal. That’s probably what’s changed [in me] the most.’ Step 12: Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Step 11 - Ann (Al-Anon)

There is a lot to unpack in Step 11, but Ann is not deterred by the challenge and meets her practice of Step 11, as she seems to meet life, with joy, enthusiasm, and open honesty about where she is in any moment. Studying singing has informed her relationship with breathing which she shares is an important tool she uses as part of Step 11 to discern when to act, and if so with courage, or when to hold back and wait.   ‘I like having my way. [But] I have found that when I back off and not force my will, and can do all the things I’ve said- pray, breathe,- things get better… And it happens so many times. It just keeps coming if I can just back off [and] keep that focus. Studying all the steps leads me to that. And I do that better or worse all the way along. Step 11 says ‘improve.’ It means I’m not ever going to be there totally but I can make progress.’ Step 11: Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

Step 10 - Alan (Al-Anon)

Alan takes his serenity seriously. ‘I guard my serenity with every fiber of my being. I guard that.’ And a big part of how he does that is his daily practice of Step 10. After the hard and perhaps deeper work of Steps 1-9, Step 10 offers something different: an ongoing practice of self-reflection and dedication to dealing with mistakes and missteps right as they come up. The payoff for reflection and admitting errors in the moment is something Alan takes seriously too. ‘It feels like a sense of accomplishment every day that I go to bed and say, ‘you know it wasn’t the perfect day, today. I said something I shouldn’t have said, or did something I shouldn’t have done… but I’ve dealt with it. Because the thing that bothered me for many, many years is that I would perseverate on what to do about things I had done wrong. And I would let that fester and cause a sickness inside me. I don’t feel that sickness anymore. It’s not that I don’t make mistakes. But I don’t feel like I’m carrying anything forward with me into the next day. And that creates a lightness.’ Step 10: Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

Step 9 - Julia (AA)

Julia is clear: an amends is not the same thing as an apology. Julia shares the details about her amends process including determining the who, what, how, when and follow up, if needed, for amends and why she doesn't say, 'I'm sorry.' There is no one size fits all and it takes work to make things right, if possible. But it’s very much worth it to Julia. ‘Without the practice, without the words, without the language [that I worked through with my sponsor], I probably would have really not gotten through [my amends] effectively so that I was really doing the spirit of the 9th Step. And the spirit of the 9th Step is- it’s the process by which we clean up [a relationship.] But that’s not the goal. The book actually says that. The goal is your spiritual maturity. So the way that you clean it up becomes very important.’  Step 9: Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Step 8 - Sherry (Al-Anon)

Making a list is simple enough. For Sherry, a lot of the work of Step 8 was in becoming willing to make amends. She shares how she had to forgive the people she had harmed before she was ready to approach them to make her own amends. Sherry found her way from AA to Al-Anon when her children were teenagers. She shares what each program gives her and how she relied on both to find her way through grieving and eventual healing after losing one of her children. ‘In the Webster’s dictionary, [amends] means change. And that was true for me. It was necessary for me to forgive in order to change. I had to forgive those people. That’s why I talk about forgiveness a lot… I can look back and see I’m not that person any more. I have changed.’ Step 8: Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.