Fit Mind Chats

Why do I feel bad all the time?

Shame and guilt often are misunderstood concepts, but something that comes up all the time in therapy. Consider this: when I was maybe 8 years old, I stole a piece of candy from a store. I was with my mom and she saw me chewing on something. She asked if I took it without her paying for it and the look on my face said it all. (Guilty as charged) We marched back into that store and she made me confess. I felt bad about taking the candy (Guilt) I knew it was the wrong thing to do and I did it anyway. I felt guilt confessing. I felt better afterwards because we paid for it. Now, let’s look at shame. Let’s think in terms of the same scenario- but shame works on an even deeper level- “i’m bad,” not “I did something wrong.” Shame speaks to who you are- where guilt speaks to what you did. You can do something wrong and not think you are a bad person. In fact, more often than not this is the case. People often do things that are incongruent with their morals or values, They lie, to themselves to others- “no, nothings wrong, I’m fine”- to bigger lies. SHame exists in secrecy, it requires it and feeds it. Now, onto better understanding shame and how you can combat it. Today’s podcast is all about guilt versus shame. Behaviors do not equal who you are and are small parts of a whole. A mistake, poor choice/decision does not define you but your self talk might try to convince you otherwise. Today we battle this and shed the shame. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit abbeysamide.substack.com [https://abbeysamide.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1]

Inner Child Outer Chaos

Your inner child is basically the unpaid intern of your emotional life—overworked, ignored, and occasionally running the whole show. In the last podcast we talked about trauma and reactions. Today we touch on your inner child and reactions. Back to the reactions that do not make sense to the situation. This is a common area in therapy bc it negatively impacts our relationships with others. This is an example of my inner child in the driver’s seat. I have a plan and I do not like when it gets disrupted. I will lose my mind when my schedule or plan gets hijacked. I will have a reaction equal to someone cutting off my arm. It is ridiculous. An example is this morning I dropped my daughter off at swim practice at 5:15 am and headed to Orange Theory for the 5:30 am class. My typical class time and I always start on the treadmill. When I arrive the person in front of me grabs the last treadmill and I have to start with strength training. My initial reaction was furious and yelled to my friend in the gym I am so pissed the entire gym knew I was not happy. My inner child had reared its ugly head. It was a monumental over reaction. Once I rowed a few minutes I returned to rational mind and after the entire workout the trainer asked how it went and admitted it was fine and I was being overly dramatic and having a tantrum. A big reaction to a minimal situation. My child brain: my workout is ruined, I hate starting on the floor (mind I have never had a bad experience starting on the floor) it was not my routine My adult brain: super annoying but I can pivot and figure it out. Today we talk about the inner child and how it rears its head in our reactions This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit abbeysamide.substack.com [https://abbeysamide.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1]

Wired by Experience

I got permission from my client to share an important revelation in her therapy. I will change all identifying information to protect her confidentiality, but the message was an important one to share. This is a client with a history of sexual abuse as a child. She has been working very hard to understand herself because she carries so much shame. She has many roles in her life, mother, wife, friend, daughter. She talked about what sounds like a very normal mother thought or feeling, she made a comment that she fears she is not a good caregiver at all because she feels a desire to run away when she feels forced or trapped in her caregiving. She talked about how she recently helped a friend and when she chooses to help someone she does not feel trapped or forced, but she often will feel forced or trapped in parenting. She said she is a bad mother and a bad person. (Shame) She said that she feels a very intense desire for flight. This becomes a different story when she talks about it using a lens of trauma. She originally narrated (bad mother, same based thinking). I asked her when she has felt forced and trapped before when she was young. What happened in my mind was when someone has a disproportionate reaction to a trigger, I think trauma trigger because it is the survival instinct that is being triggered (fight, flight, freeze or fawn). It is the forced and trapped feeling. Trauma triggers can be feelings which lead to triggering the amygdala and set into action the survival instinct. This lead to a revelation that shifted her thinking from “I’m a bad mom” to I am a mom who is parenting with a history of trauma and it was the feeling of trapped and force that leads me to want to run. Not her kids, not her parenting. This provided immense relief to her and then a clear path forward. We were able to talk about cognitively reframing to remind herself that she can always take a break and it was her choice to have children. This is to address the feeling of being trapped and forced. Today we dive into trauma, the somatic reactions, reframing and recovering. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit abbeysamide.substack.com [https://abbeysamide.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1]

Helping or Just...Helping Them Stay a Mess

Traditionally, we have linked enabling behavior to addiction. The spouse that sets the drink limits or tries to get rid of any booze they find around the house. They try to control the social events and feel that if they watch them closely enough they can prevent the person from getting “too drunk.” Or the spouse that allows the partner to drink only certain kinds of liquor because that seems to help. They rationalize that the person they love (when not intoxicated) is worth the treatment when their spouse is drunk- the arguments, the blackouts, the DUIs. This is how we traditionally see enabling behavior. Or the family member that bails out their addicted child, getting attorneys to fight charges or works to get them dropped altogether. All in an effort to prevent the person from feeling or facing the consequences of their actions. But there are other ways in which we can enable behavior and today, we talk about enabling- what it is, why someone would do it, and what to do to change it. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit abbeysamide.substack.com [https://abbeysamide.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1]

Main Character Energy (on a budget)

Are you this person or do you have a friend that is a fit. The person that hooks up with an ex that treated them poorly to feel attractive and wanted by another person and needing this attention to feel desirable. They continue the cycle of hooking up with this person and the person is only using them. Or You are or have a friend that bank rolls the relationship to have someone that might not date them otherwise but need to be seen with what they perceive as “hot” or “desirable” This person usually needs this validation to feel better about themselves and care a great deal about how others perceive them. They get the self esteem need met externally and struggle with internally feeling they are worthy. Both of these are hard to watch and as a friend can be painful. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit abbeysamide.substack.com [https://abbeysamide.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1]