The Identity Shift Nobody Talks About in Codependency

The Identity Shift Nobody Talks About in Codependency

The messy middle of relationships isn't always dramatic. Sometimes it's the slow, quiet erosion of yourself — giving and giving and giving until you don't know where you end and everyone else begins. And not having a name for it until someone finally says it out loud. Vanessa Bennett is a licensed depth psychotherapist and author of The Motherhood Myth. She spent over a decade in corporate New York feeling disconnected underneath a life that looked felt great on the outside. She left, rebuilt, moved to LA, spent years creating exactly the community she wanted — and then lost her home in the LA fires in January 2025. Now she and her family are in Costa Rica, still following the breadcrumbs. In this episode, Vanessa and I talk about the identity shift of recognizing your own codependency — and why almost all of us are codependent whether we want to admit it or not. We talk about the difference between caregiving and caretaking, why resentment is actually one of the most useful tools you have, and what depth psychology actually means in practice for someone who lives entirely in their head. We also talk about grief, starting over, and the transition anxiety that comes with following breadcrumbs through the messy middle of a life that keeps changing before you're ready. This is also a really honest conversation about The Motherhood Myth — the lie we've all been fed that partnership and parenthood should feel natural and easy, and what it actually costs us when we believe it. For anyone who gives more than they take, for anyone who calls themselves a recovering codependent, and for anyone who says they're definitely not codependent — this one is for you. Get Connected & Support the Show: - Grab your free resource [https://itsboth.kit.com/873c6c3733] and be the first to know when the workbook is live. - Order Vanessa Bennett's book HERE [https://www.vanessabennett.com/books] - Follow Vanessa Bennett on Instagram [https://www.instagram.com/vanessasbennett/] or visit her website [https://www.vanessabennett.com/]  - Listen to the companion podcast: It's Both- Guided Meditations for Anxiety, Emotional Regulation, & Real Life Transitions [https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/its-both-guided-meditations-for-anxiety-emotional-regulation/id1869673956] - Subscribe, rate, & review It's Both on Apple Podcasts [https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/its-both/id1811385185]

Starting Over With Desire After Losing Yourself

The messy middle isn't always about a crisis you can name. Sometimes it's quietly losing your sense of self inside a relationship that looks fine from the outside — and not having language for what's actually happening until years later. Dr. Jordin Wiggins is a naturopathic doctor, pleasure and intimacy coach, and founder of the Pleasure Collective. She built a thriving health clinic, checked every box success was supposed to look like, and was still disconnected, exhausted, and quietly unraveling underneath it — both in her business and in a relationship she didn't yet have language to call abusive. In this episode, Jordin and I talk about starting over with your own desire after burnout, after betrayal blindness, and after losing your sense of agency inside your own home. We talk about why sexual dysfunction often isn't a personal failing at all — it's a power imbalance, an invisible labor problem, or a nervous system too dysregulated to access pleasure. We talk about responsive versus spontaneous desire, the orgasm gap, and why women's pleasure centers shut down in survival mode. And we get into what it actually felt like for her — a successful clinic owner who solved other people's problems all day — to rebuild her own identity, and her own desire, from nothing. This is also deeply personal for me. We talk about my own relationship in my teens and twenties, and the both/and of loving someone while slowly disappearing inside that love. This is a conversation about grief, identity shift, transition anxiety, and the messy middle of rebuilding your relationship to your own body, your own pleasure, and your own worth after everything falls apart. For anyone who has ever felt successful on paper and empty underneath — this one is for you. Get Connected & Support the Show: - Grab your free resource [https://itsboth.kit.com/873c6c3733] and be the first to know when the workbook is live. - Order Dr. Jordin Wiggins book HERE [https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1982238747?pf_rd_p=2d1ab404-3b11-4c97-b3db-48081e145e35&pf_rd_r=PXMEX3FS6M2DP87Q0RSY] - Follow Dr. Jordin Wiggins on Instagram [https://www.instagram.com/drjordinwiggins/] or visit her website [https://www.thepleasurecollective.com/]  - Listen to the companion podcast: It's Both- Guided Meditations for Anxiety, Emotional Regulation, & Real Life Transitions [https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/its-both-guided-meditations-for-anxiety-emotional-regulation/id1869673956] - Subscribe, rate, & review It's Both on Apple Podcasts [https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/its-both/id1811385185]

When You Can't Control What's Next - A Meditation for the Waiting

The messy middle isn't always something you can talk your way through. Sometimes you just need a place to breathe. This week I'm sharing something a little different — an episode from my companion podcast, It's Both Guided Meditations. I'm in the middle of our move to Colorado, boxes everywhere, and I didn't want to go silent on you. But I also couldn't give you a full interview episode this week. So instead I'm giving you this. This meditation is for the waiting. For the unknown. For the transition anxiety that sits in your body when you've made a decision but can't get to the other side of it yet. For the knot in your stomach and the tightness in your chest that won't turn off no matter how many times you check your phone or refresh your email. We're not fixing anything here. We're not trying to be positive or push through. We're just finding a little awareness, a little steadiness, and a little permission to be exactly where you are. Both things can be true — you can be scared and still be okay. You can have no control over the outcome and still have control over how you take care of yourself while you wait. If this resonates, the full It's Both Guided Meditations feed is free and available wherever you listen. New episodes drop regularly for anxiety, emotional regulation, and real life transitions. And I'll be back next week with something I'm really excited to share with you.  Get Connected & Support the Show: - Grab your free resource,What If You're Not Doing Anything Wrong [https://itsboth.kit.com/873c6c3733]— It's Just Hard Right Now, and give yourself permission to just be where you are. - Listen to the companion podcast: It's Both- Guided Meditations for Anxiety, Emotional Regulation, & Real Life Transitions [https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/its-both-guided-meditations-for-anxiety-emotional-regulation/id1869673956] - Subscribe, rate, & review It's Both on Apple Podcasts [https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/its-both/id1811385185]

Grieving a Place I Haven't Left Yet

The messy middle isn't always about a big dramatic moment. Sometimes it's the house that won't sell. The city you're grieving before you've even left. The goodbye that keeps getting delayed while life keeps demanding you show up anyway. This week I'm coming to you solo and I'm sharing where I am right now. We put our house on the market three months ago. We were under contract and then we weren't. Now we're leaving with nowhere to land yet, three kids including one starting kindergarten for the very first time, and a life I built here over ten years that I don't quite know how to say goodbye to. In this episode I talk about the anxiety and transition anxiety that comes with major life changes when the timing is completely out of your control, the grief of leaving a place that rebuilt me after everything fell apart, the identity shift of not knowing what comes next professionally or financially, and the emotional complexity of being so ready to go and so heartbroken to leave at the same time. I also talk about something I've been wrestling with — free will, predestination, and what it means when things aren't unfolding the way you thought they would. Is that a sign you're on the wrong path? Or is it just hard? And what do you do when you can't tell the difference? This is a conversation about grief, starting over, mixed emotions, and the very specific kind of suffering that comes from grieving something you're still living inside of every single day. It's also a love letter to a city that saved me. And my last recording in this room — one year in. For anyone in the waiting right now — anyone suspended in that in-between where you've made peace with what's coming but just can't get there yet — this one is for you. You are not alone in this. Get Connected & Support the Show: - Grab your free resource,What If You're Not Doing Anything Wrong [https://itsboth.kit.com/873c6c3733]— It's Just Hard Right Now, and give yourself permission to just be where you are. - Listen to the companion podcast: It's Both- Guided Meditations for Anxiety, Emotional Regulation, & Real Life Transitions [https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/its-both-guided-meditations-for-anxiety-emotional-regulation/id1869673956] - Subscribe, rate, & review It's Both on Apple Podcasts [https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/its-both/id1811385185]

REPLAY: The Episode That Started It All — Body Image

The messy middle looks different for everyone. Sometimes it's a major life transition. Sometimes it's the quiet, daily tension of living in a body you haven't fully made peace with yet. One year ago this week I sat down with one of my best friends — Heather, a therapist, a mom, and one of the most honest people I know — and we recorded the very first episode of It's Both. I'm re-releasing it this week because I'm in the middle of our move, boxes everywhere, chaos everywhere, and somehow it's also the one year anniversary of this show. It felt like the most perfect, messy, both/and thing to do. In this episode, Heather and I talk about the anxiety that comes with living in a body that feels like it doesn't fit the mold, the complicated messages most of us received about our bodies growing up that we are still quietly unlearning, and what body neutrality actually means — and why it might be the most realistic and honest place to start when loving your body feels impossible. We talk about the duality of feeling strong and insecure at the same time. We talk about what happens when you spend a decade giving your body to everyone else and forget to ask what it actually needs. And we talk about the moment — floating in a pool with her kids — when Heather felt genuine gratitude for her body for the very first time. This is a conversation about emotional complexity, identity, and the messy middle of learning to live in your own skin. For anyone who has ever stood in front of a mirror and felt two completely opposite things at the same time — this one is for you. If you're new here, this is the perfect place to start. This is where it all began. Get Connected & Support the Show: - Grab your free resource, What If You're Not Doing Anything Wrong [https://itsboth.kit.com/873c6c3733]— It's Just Hard Right Now, and give yourself permission to just be where you are. - Listen to the companion podcast: It's Both- Guided Meditations for Anxiety, Emotional Regulation, & Real Life Transitions [https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/its-both-guided-meditations-for-anxiety-emotional-regulation/id1869673956] - Get connected to Heather Lefebvre [https://www.mytherapistheather.com/] - Follow Heather on Instagram [https://www.instagram.com/spacebetweencollective/]  - Subscribe, rate, & review It's Both on Apple Podcasts [https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/its-both/id1811385185]