Shrink Me? I am just waking up

Self-Blame or Responsibility? After Betrayal

Eighty-seven percent of betrayed partners blame themselves. Not because they caused the betrayal. Because self-blame is the mind's most affordable option when the alternative costs everything. In this solo episode, Dr. Lia Roth breaks down one of the most misunderstood psychological moves people make after being betrayed — the kind that sounds like maturity, feels like honesty, and quietly keeps the wrong person off the hook. You'll learn why self-blame is not a cognitive distortion but a cost-benefit calculation. Why it protects the betrayer more than it protects you. What the research calls the "psychic reversal" — and what Binary Relationship Theory calls it. And why giving up self-blame does not mean you had no part in the relationship. It means something more precise, and harder. Dr. Roth also draws a distinction most conversations about betrayal collapse: the difference between self-blame and self-betrayal. Self-blame says "I caused this." Self-betrayal says "I can see where I abandoned myself while trying not to lose the relationship." They are not the same thing. The confusion between them is where most people get stuck. What you will hear in this episode: — The function of self-blame and why it is a cost-benefit calculation, not a distortion — The psychic reversal: how the betrayed person becomes the crime scene while the betrayer becomes background — The difference between characterological self-blame, behavioral self-blame, and self-betrayal — and why the third is the one worth examining — How roles (Fixer, Performer, Martyr, Ghost) each produce their own version of self-blame — and what they are all avoiding — What responsibility actually asks, and what it does not — When forgiveness enters, and why it is not the goal This episode draws on the theoretical framework developed in Binary Relationship Theory, found in Get in or Get Out, But Don’t Stay in the Freakn’ Middle, the forthcoming book Not Anymore, and the following works: Cornish, M. A., Maddikunta, S. R., Grey, C. J., Horton, A. J., & Cabirou, L. O. (2026). Trait responses after interpersonal offending: A dyadic examination of effects on romantic relationship quality. Journal of Family Psychology. Freyd, J. J. (1994). Betrayal trauma: Traumatic amnesia as an adaptive response to childhood abuse. Ethics & Behavior, 4(4), 307–329. — The 1996 book is also citable: Freyd, J. J. (1996). Betrayal trauma: The logic of forgetting childhood abuse. Harvard University Press. Goldsmith, R. E., Chesney, S. A., Heath, N. M., & Barlow, M. R. (2013). Emotion regulation difficulties mediate associations between betrayal trauma and symptoms of posttraumatic stress, depression, and anxiety. Journal of Traumatic Stress, 26(3), 376–384. Hollenbeck, C. M., & Steffens, B. (2024). Betrayal trauma anger: Clinical implications for therapeutic treatment based on the sexually betrayed partner's experience related to anger after intimate betrayal. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy. Janoff-Bulman, R. (1979). Characterological versus behavioral self-blame: Inquiries into depression and rape. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 37(10), 1798–1809. Pitcho, S. (2026). The perpetrator–others–self (POS) economic model of blame among interpersonal trauma survivors. American Psychologist. [Volume/issue/pages not yet confirmed — verify at APA PsycNet before publication]

The X-Paradox Betrayal Recovery, First Stages

You can see the body. You cannot find the person. That is the Ex Paradox — the specific disorientation of looking back at someone and wondering if the version you knew ever existed at all. In this episode, Dr. Lia Roth unpacks what betrayal actually does to you: not the act itself, but what it leaves behind. The shock that makes your past and future feel equally unreliable. The withdrawal that looks like collapse but is the system buying time. The quiet erosion of self-trust that makes basic decisions feel costly. And the disempowerment that is not weakness — it is what happens when injury, fear, and confusion all arrive at once. She also draws on Thomas Ogden's distinction between the pain and the identification with the pain — because that difference is the line between victim and survivor. And she talks about what autonomy actually means after betrayal: not independence, not isolation, but finding your own judgment again, from the inside out. Betrayal will try to write the rest of your story. This episode is about not letting it. WHAT YOU’LL GET * The four main elements of betrayal: shock, withdrawal, loss of self, and disempowerment — and why they are not neat stages * Why betrayal feels like a break in reality, not just a broken relationship * The difference between self-blame and responsibility — and why one opens a door while the other keeps you trapped * What obsessive thinking and hypervigilance are actually doing for you * Thomas Ogden on the pain versus the identification with the pain * Why autonomy is the highest level of maturity betrayal can force you toward MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE * Get In or Get Out, But Don't Stay in the Freaking Middle — Dr. Lia Roth * Thomas Ogden — on pain and identification with pain

Autonomy & Authenticity: Say Less, Mean More

What does it really mean to be authentic? Last episode, we explored autonomy. Now we turn to authenticity. Why isn’t saying what you feel always the same as being true to yourself? Do we confuse honesty with reactivity? Can we show up without performing? Dr. Lia Roth breaks down how to stop over-explaining, reduce people-pleasing, and speak from a place that actually holds.

Autonomy & Freedom: Why “Be Yourself” Doesn’t Work

Did you notice? Everyone is talking about autonomy and authenticity. ...But, what is autonomy, really? In this episode, we break down autonomy as more than freedom or independence. Dr. Lia Roth explains how autonomy works as self-regulation within relationships, why people lose themselves in daily interactions, and how to stay grounded without disconnecting from others. A powerful take on identity, and emotional clarity.

Chemistry Is Not Safety: Why the Wrong Person Feels So Right

...AND HOW TO TELL IF SOMEONE IS ACTUALLY SAFE TO LOVE Dr. Roth breaks down a pattern many people secretly recognize. We say we want lasting love, yet somehow the people who fully choose us feel less exciting than the ones who hesitate. The ones who pull back. The ones who keep us wondering. Suddenly we’re hooked, chasing the feeling of being almost chosen. In this episode, she explains how attraction actually forms. We don’t meet people with a blank slate. We walk in carrying history, projection, and unfinished emotional stories, while simultaneously reading the signals the other person sends. Together, those forces quietly organize a relational script before we even realize it. And when betrayal happens? It often reveals the details we pushed aside to keep the story alive. Dr. Roth talks about the Law of Educated Guesses and her framework of Binary Relationship Theory, showing that real safety is not chemistry or intensity. It’s something built between two people over time, through consistency, repair, limits, and truth.