The Absence of Needs

The Absence of Needs

-How and why do codependents often try to NOT have needs? -What do defense mechanisms like suppression have to do with neglecting our needs? -If you suppress your needs, what can you do to stop and start honoring them? Welcome to Episode 168! In this episode, I will share about my futile attempt to not have needs, especially in my marriage, in the first few weeks of motherhood! Tell me I’m codependent without telling me I’m codependent: I pretended to not have needs! You’ll hear me discuss defense mechanisms then expand on one of the more common in codependents: suppression. I wrap it up nicely by sharing an anecdote in hopes it will help you understand and know you are not alone. It’s a must-listen episode! Support and connect:  Funds! Help support the show via a one-time donation via secure Paypal link: https://www.paypal.com/donate/?hosted_button_id=RJ3PSNZ4AF7QC [https://www.paypal.com/donate/?hosted_button_id=RJ3PSNZ4AF7QC]  Connect! Email marissa@codependummy.com [marissa@codependummy.com] to inquire about topics you’d like me to discuss or to hear more about my psychotherapy services, coaching, and other offerings.  More details on this episode:  We begin with our usual check-in.  I then reflect on codependency in my marriage (and how I have naively thought I was not codependent with my husband).  How does this relate to my experience with early motherhood? I describe my regression into a familiar defense mechanism: suppression. I provide a description of defense mechanisms and share about the more common ones: displacement, denial, and projection.  We shift to what suppression looks like in codependents and why we often use it as a defense mechanism: to avoid mental pain, unacceptable feelings, and unacceptable behaviors.  We conclude with an anecdote from my experience as a new mom where I tried to not have needs. There was an absence of needs. Thankfully it wasn’t sustainable and I’m not being a codepend-mama. I hope the example helps you know you are not alone.  Thanks for listening! PLEASE: Rate.  Review. Subscribe.  And share this episode with someone who you sense will resonate with it! We need more ratings on Apple and Spotify. Thank you in advance! And please subscribe on Youtube so you get alerted of new episodes the second they drop.  With love, Marissa

Emotionally Immature Parents with Michelle Charime, LMFT

-What is an ‘emotionally immature parent?’   -How can codependency develop in the child of an emotionally immature parent?   -If you have an emotionally immature parent, what can you do to change the relationship?   Welcome to Episode 167! This week, I’m joined by Michelle Charime, LMFT, to discuss the world of the emotionally immature parent. Michelle educates us on what an emotionally immature parent is, including a breakdown of the types of behaviors that their children take on: emotionally sensitive and externalization. Michelle highlights the ways that children in these families can develop codependency with their parent and describes the short-term and long-term consequences of this dynamic. We conclude with hearing Michelle’s suggestions for how a codependent adult child in this situation can change their relationship with their emotionally immature parent. It’s a must-listen!   Links for the show:   Sign up for the newsletter to receive all things codependummy: email marissa@codependummy.com   Help support the show via a one-time donation via secure Paypal link: https://www.paypal.com/donate/?hosted_button_id=RJ3PSNZ4AF7QC [https://www.paypal.com/donate/?hosted_button_id=RJ3PSNZ4AF7QC]    Work with me! Email marissa@codependummy.com [marissa@codependummy.com] to inquire about psychotherapy, coaching, or coming on the show!   More deets on this week’s guest:     Michelle Charime, LMFT (pronounced Sha-reem) is a psychotherapist based Los Angeles, CA who specializes in Codependency and Trauma. She helps burnt-out people-pleasers and deep-feelers trust and prioritize themselves so they can live their most authentic and rewarding lives. Prior to private practice, she gained nearly 10 years of experience in community-based organizations working with individuals facing homelessness and mental health concerns. Fun Fact: She has had not one, but two email exchanges with Irvin Yalom.   www.languageofhealingtherapy.com [http://www.languageofhealingtherapy.com]    In this episode, you will hear Michelle and I discuss the following questions:    1. Her definition of codependency: an over-reliance and an over-dependence for one’s psychological, emotional, and physical needs on another individual.     2. Her own codependent experience: Michelle describes growing up with emotionally immature parents which led her into toxic relationships.    3. What does it mean to describe a parent as an 'emotionally immature parent? Michelle describes that emotionally immature parents have a diminished capacity for reflection and compassion for their children. They often neglect their emotional needs and can emotionally abuse their children by not engaging in emotional discussions.    4. The enmeshed dynamic between adult children and their emotionally immature parents. They put their parents first and take responsibility for their parents’ emotions.   5. Michelle describes the 2 types of adult children of emotionally immature parents: the internalizers (they are emotional, sensitive, reflective people) and the externalizers (have a victim mentality, feel angry, impulsive, and engage in aggressive behaviors). The latter often become emotionally immature parents as well.    6. We conclude with hearing Michelle’s suggestions on how to change one’s relationship with an emotionally immature parent. Michelle suggests 1) acknowledging your parents is who they are; 2) understand you cannot change them; 3) focus on yourself; 4) grieve the parent you needed; 5) incorporate a community to support yourself; and 6) start creating healthy boundaries.   PLEASE: Rate.  Review. Subscribe.  Share. We need more ratings on Spotify! TY!

Codepend-Mama: My Birth Story

* What was it like to give birth as a codependummy? * How was I a codependummy during my birth? * How was I NOT a codependummy during my birth? Welcome to Episode 166! I’m back after giving birth to my baby–so sorry it took 104 days/15 weeks since the last episode aired. In this episode, you’ll hear me share my birth story. You’ll hear the ways I was a codependummy and ways I was NOT a codependummy during my birth experience. I hope it resonates with you–whether you have had a child or not–and you can reflect on how your anxiety, self-consciousness, and the internal rules you have for how you can behave impact you during big life events (like giving birth!). It’s a must-listen! Support and connect:  Funds! Help support the show via a one-time donation via secure Paypal link: https://www.paypal.com/donate/?hosted_button_id=RJ3PSNZ4AF7QC [https://www.paypal.com/donate/?hosted_button_id=RJ3PSNZ4AF7QC]  Connect! Email marissa@codependummy.com [marissa@codependummy.com] to inquire about topics you’d like me to discuss or to hear more about my psychotherapy services, coaching, and other offerings.  More details on this episode:  We begin with me checking in. Like I say in the episode, I’m sorry it took so long.  You’ll then hear me recount my birth story–my experience of giving birth to my baby boy.  I conclude with a reflection on ways I was and ways I wasn’t a codependummy during the experience.  PLEASE: Rate.  Review. Subscribe.  And share this episode with someone who you sense will resonate with it! We need more ratings on Apple and Spotify. Thank you in advance! And please subscribe on Youtube so you get alerted of new episodes the second they drop.  With love, Marissa

Befriend Your Inner Critic with Rachel Koutnik, LCSW

-What is the inner critic?  -How can we stop listening to or warring with our inner critic? -How can practicing self-compassion help us befriend our inner critic? Welcome to Episode 165! This week, Rachel Koutnik, LCSW, is back to teach us all about the befriending our inner critic through self-compassion! In the episode, you’ll hear Rachel walk us through what the ‘inner critic’ is, how we may be codependent with our inner critic, and why that may contribute to our codependency in our relationships. Rather than combat or try to rid ourselves of our inner critic, Rachel suggests befriending it through the use of self-compassion. We conclude with tangible suggestions from Rachel on how to cultivate a self-compassion practice. It’s a must-listen! Links for the show: Sign up for the newsletter to receive all things codependummy: https://keap.app/contact-us/2302598426037497 [https://keap.app/contact-us/2302598426037497]   Journal! The Confiding Codependummy: 30 Days of Journaling Prompts for a Less-Codependent and More-Conscious YOU for just $1 a day. www.codependummy.com/toolsforhealing [http://www.codependummy.com/toolsforhealing]  FREEBIE! The Self-Validation Challenge: Learn to validate your GD self: www.codependummy.com/challenge [http://www.codependummy.com/challenge]  Money! Funds! Help support the show via a one-time donation via secure Paypal link: https://www.paypal.com/donate/?hosted_button_id=RJ3PSNZ4AF7QC [https://www.paypal.com/donate/?hosted_button_id=RJ3PSNZ4AF7QC]  Work with me! Email marissa@codependummy.com [marissa@codependummy.com] to inquire about psychotherapy, coaching, or coming on the show! More on this week’s guest: Rachel Koutnik, Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is a therapist in private practice working mostly online in Los Angeles and is licensed in both CA and IL. Her approach to therapy is both relational and holistic with a focus on helping adolescents, adults, couples and families repair attachment trauma while integrating healing for the mind, body and spirit.  See Rachel on March 16 at the IOCDF Conference: https://iocdf.org/programs/conferences/ [https://iocdf.org/programs/conferences/]  Check out Rachel’s website for her individual therapy and group offerings: www.rachelktherapy.com [http://www.rachelktherapy.com]  More deets on the episode:  We begin with revisiting Rachel’s definition of codependency that she expands on through the lens of our relationship with ourselves. She describes how we look outside of ourselves for approval and reassurance and behave how we think others want us to be.  Rachel opens up about codependency in her own life and how she has been more codependent in relationships where her ‘inner critic’ was more at the forefront of her mind. She recalls laughing when things were not funny, having physical intimacy when she wasn’t ready, and privileging the other person’s needs above her own.  We shift focus to Rachel’s work to help her clients befriend their inner critic. She utilizes self-compassion, based off the work of Kristen Neff, that defines the practice as mindfulness and how we meet our suffering. Rachel defines self-compassion as developing a healthy relationship with suffering through loving, spacious awareness of all our parts. Rachel asserts how self-compassion helps us stop shaming ourselves while we heal which is a mandate to truly healing! Rachel defines the ‘inner critic’ and shares how we can be just as codependent with this internal part as we are in our external relationships. In order to befriend our inner critic, Rachel asserts how we need to recognize it’s origin (how old is this part?) then engage in the reparative work: naming it, separating from it, using mindfulness, let compassion in, and provide compassion the way you might to a friend.  We conclude with Rachel listing how we can check in with our bodies when using self-compassion: take turns being the observer, the self-compassionate part, and the inner critic part of us to give all three space. Then, to provide compassion, we can tune in to our breathing, provide soothing though, go through a body scan, engage in movement/exercise, and incorporate tapping via Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT).  Thank you for coming on again Rachel! And thank you dear listener for listening! PLEASE: Rate.  Review. Subscribe.  Share. We need more ratings on Spotify! TY!

Get in Touch With Your Body with Jacqueline Richards-Shrestha, LPC

-How do codependents tend to relate (or not relate!) to their bodies? -Why are our relationships better when we are more connected with our bodies? -How can our boundaries improve if we pay better attention to our physical sensations? Welcome to Episode 164! This week, I am joined by Jacqueline Richards-Shrestha, LPC, about how our codependency is reflected in our connection–or lack there of–to our bodies. In the episode, you’ll hear Jacqueline describe the ways codependents relate to their bodies which often fosters a disconnection as a consequence of ignoring, neglecting, or bypassing our physical sensations. Jacqueline suggests ways we can get in better touch with our bodies and how that improves both our relationships with others and our boundaries within those relationships. We conclude with suggestions from Jacqueline on how we can become ‘somatically curious’ to change our relationship with ourselves and others. It’s a must-listen! Links for the show: Sign up for the newsletter to receive all things codependummy: https://keap.app/contact-us/2302598426037497 [https://keap.app/contact-us/2302598426037497]   Journal! The Confiding Codependummy: 30 Days of Journaling Prompts for a Less-Codependent and More-Conscious YOU for just $1 a day. www.codependummy.com/toolsforhealing [http://www.codependummy.com/toolsforhealing]  FREEBIE! The Self-Validation Challenge: Learn to validate your GD self: www.codependummy.com/challenge [http://www.codependummy.com/challenge]  Money! Funds! Help support the show via a one-time donation via secure Paypal link: https://www.paypal.com/donate/?hosted_button_id=RJ3PSNZ4AF7QC [https://www.paypal.com/donate/?hosted_button_id=RJ3PSNZ4AF7QC]  Work with me! Email marissa@codependummy.com [marissa@codependummy.com] to inquire about psychotherapy, coaching, or coming on the show! More on this week’s guest:  Jacqueline is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Colorado and a Self- Love Coach world Wide. She is passionate about helping young adult & millennial women who struggle with body dissatisfaction and relationship anxiety build their confidence so they can have better relationships and live more fulfilling lives. She has developed the "5-Weeks To A Better Relationship With Your Body" Self- Love Coaching program to help women move beyond a mean, and maybe even abusive relationship with themselves, to one thats kind, loving, and healthy. More deets on the episode:  We begin with Jacqueline’s definition of codependency: when someone will self-abandon themself for another person. She describes how it begins via unconscious patterning early on–often preverbal between the ages of 0-1.5 or 2 years old. Jacqueline opens up about codependency in her own life, including with her first boyfriend when she was 19-20 years old. She recalls how she was ‘so into him’ and how she eventually lost herself in the relationship as a consequence of abandoning herself to get high off his attention.  We shift focus to Jacqueline’s specialty of our relationship with our bodies. She lists how codependents abandon themselves, neglect taking care of themselves, skip meals, ignore their bodies, which leads to the development of an inner critic, not feeling good enough, and losing our connection with our authentic self.  Jacqueline asserts how “our bodies are awesome” and suggests how getting connected with our bodies can help us have better relationships. We learn to say “yes” when our body says ‘yes,’ and “no” when our body says ‘no.’ This leads to us being truthful and honoring what we want since we are ‘honoring our system.’ In order to notice your boundaries through your body, Jacqueline encourages incorporating a practice of listening to our bodies, our visceral reactions: a tightening stomach, discomfort, things ‘not feeling right,’ etc. She emphasizes how everyone’s body will speak to them in a UNIQUE WAY. So important to remember! We conclude with the steps Jacqueline takes with her clients to help them improve their relationship with themself: be ‘somatically curious,’ start with awareness, slow down, see what comes up, and go from there.  Thank you for coming on Jacqueline! And thank you dear listener for listening! PLEASE: Rate.  Review. Subscribe.  Share. We need more ratings on Spotify! TY!