The Empathy Node Podcast

Love leaves a mark on us

It began with a cold spot on the rug. For thirteen years, that space beside my bed was a place of warmth, of solid, breathing life. Now, it’s just… empty. And in the dead of night, when I swing my feet over the side of the bed, the cold that rises from that patch of floor seems to travel right up my legs and settle deep inside my chest. A permanent chill. People have told me, with the best intentions, that he’s in a better place. They say it like a prayer, a comforting verse meant to soothe. I nod, because it’s easier than explaining that I don’t need him to be in a better place. I just need him to be here. I need the ghost-weight of his head on my knee, the low, rumbling sigh that could quiet a storm in my own soul. Grief is a strange country. It has no map. Last year, when he left, something inside me was torn open. It wasn’t a slow tearing, like old fabric. It was a puncture. A clean, silent, piercing wound right through the center of who I was. No one could see it, of course. I went to work. I bought groceries. I smiled when it was expected. But I was walking around with a hole in my soul, and the wind whistled through it with every lonely step. I see how they look at me now. At my ear. I see the flicker in their eyes. A small judgment, quick and quiet. A piercing. On a person like me. It doesn't fit their story. They see it as an act of vanity, maybe rebellion. A fleeting choice made in a moment of… what? They don't know. So they file it away under a label. Strange. A phase. Not something we would do. I want to stop them. To take their hand and say, Please, just for a moment, look closer. I want to tell them about his paws. About the way he hated having his nails trimmed. He wasn't aggressive, just… offended. He’d let out a groan, a sound of profound theatrical betrayal, as if I were a tyrant engaging in unspeakable cruelty. He’d pull his foot back with the dignity of a wronged king. He was a grumbling philosopher, a furry old man full of complaints and endless, unconditional love. The last time, his protest was weak. Just a whisper of his old indignation. The fight had gone out of him. The click of the clippers felt deafening in the stillness of the room. One small, curved piece fell to the floor. I picked it up. It was nothing. A fragment of keratin. The stuff of dust and hair. But as I closed my hand around it, a truth flooded me, so powerful it buckled my knees. There is no diamond forged in the pressures of the earth, no gold purified by fire, that could hold a fraction of the value of this tiny piece of him. This was a relic of our life. It was a testament to thirteen years of muddy footprints, of shared silences, of a loyalty so pure it felt like something holy. It was a piece of the earth he walked on, a piece of the body that housed the most beautiful soul I have ever known. The hole was already there, you see. Inside me. Raw and aching. An empty space that echoed with the silence. And I realized I could not let it stay empty. A wound that profound cannot simply be left to scar over in darkness. It must be consecrated. It must be marked. The needle was a sharp, clean sting. A brief, physical echo of a much deeper pain. But in that moment, I wasn't desecrating my body. I was building a tiny altar. I was sealing a covenant. I was placing a witness in the silence. This isn't a stone. It’s not a gem. It is a piece of his nail, encased forever. It is the last physical part of him on this earth, and I have placed it here, right next to where I listen to the world. So that when the silence is too much, I can lift my hand to my ear and feel it. A tiny, solid point of contact with a love that big. And I can hear him. Oh, I can hear him so clearly. The low growl that was his way of saying hello. The impatient snort that meant his dinner was late. The soft thump of his tail against the floor. This is not a decoration. This is a duty. A devotion. It is a promise that he will not be forgotten. It is the only way I know how to carry him with me, not just in my heart, but as a visible part of me. The piercing in my soul happened the day he died. This, here in my ear, is just the scar. And I will wear it with more honor than any crown. Love leaves a mark on us. Sometimes, the mark is a memory. Sometimes, it’s a change in the way we breathe. And sometimes, if you are very, very lucky, you get to carry a piece of that love with you, for all to see. People build cathedrals to honor what they deem holy, placing relics of saints behind glass. They kneel and they pray and they hope to feel a connection to something divine. My saint had four paws and a soul so pure it taught me everything I know about unconditional love. I couldn't build him a cathedral of stone. So I built him one of skin and memory, right here where I can feel it. To most, this might look like a piercing. To me, this is a prayer I get to wear. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit empathynode.substack.com [https://empathynode.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1]

Our walk isn't over

The air is heavy today. It’s a thick blanket I can’t push away with my nose. Each breath is work. A mountain I have to climb, just to get a little bit of air at the top. And then, I have to climb it all over again. The fog in my chest has a taste… like old metal, like rain left too long in a can. It’s been here for a while, this fog. It came with the long car rides, the quiet rooms with clean smells, the gentle hands of strangers who were trying to help. My dads. They tried so hard. I felt their hope like a warm patch of sun on my fur. I leaned into it, let it soak into my bones, even when my bones ached with a deep, weary cold. They never gave up, so I couldn’t either. That’s not my job. My job has always been to protect. I remember the rhythm of it. The morning walk, my head held high, my body a solid, steady shield between them and the yapping little dogs that strained at their leashes. A low growl in my chest was a fence, warning them all: These are my people. Stay back. My bark was a hammer against the door when the delivery driver lingered too long, his strange scent an invasion of our safe space. I guarded the windows, my ears twitching at the sound of footsteps on the pavement. I was the keeper of this kingdom, the guardian of their hearts. It was the best job in the world. But the fog grew thicker. The mountain grew steeper. My legs, once pillars of strength, became trembling twigs. My bark, once a thunderclap, became a hollow cough. There was only one thing left to do. One last patrol. One final duty. June 9th. I knew the date not by the calendar on the wall, but by the quiet hum inside my person. It was his day. A day that always smelled of cake and felt like extra-long belly rubs. I couldn’t miss it. I promised myself I wouldn’t. Through the long, dark nights when the mountain felt impossible to climb, I would whisper it to myself. Just until his day. Just hold on. This morning, something shifted. A thread of light appeared in the darkness, and I knew. It was time. My body was an anchor, heavy with the weight of 13 years, but my will… my will was still the guardian. I dragged myself from my bed, each movement a fire in my joints, and nudged his hand with my nose. Once. Twice. His eyes opened. He saw me. He saw me. Not just the tired old dog, but the sentry still at his post. The next few hours were… light. The fog seemed to part, just for a little while. We sat on the floor together, the two of them and me. And there was cheese. And eggs. And then… the king of all smells. The scent that is joy itself. Chicken. He fed it to me from his hand, piece by glorious piece. I didn’t have much room inside me, but I made space. This was more than food. It was a gift. A shared silence. I rested my head on his knee, and his hand stroked my ears, just like he always has. In his eyes, I saw everything. All the walks, all the games of fetch, all the quiet nights on the sofa. All the love. It was enough. It was everything. But the light began to fade. The mountain returned, bigger than ever. My next breath didn’t come. And the one after that was a painful, shallow gasp. The panic in the room wasn’t mine; it was theirs. I could taste it in the air, a sharp, bitter scent that broke my heart. The car ride was a blur of soft blankets and whispered words. The vet’s office smelled cold and clean, a place with no memories. A kind woman spoke in a low voice. I couldn’t understand the words, but I felt them. I felt their meaning land in my dad’s heart. I felt his quiet sob, a vibration that ran from his hand, through my fur, and into my very soul. He’s only been holding on for you, the feeling said. His love is the only thing keeping that brave heart beating. They held me close. My humans. My job. As their tears fell onto my fur, I looked deep into their eyes, and I understood my final duty. It was not just to wait for them. It was to merge with them. I let go of the rope. I stopped climbing the mountain. And my last breath… it was not an ending. It was a transfer. I breathed out all that I was—the ferocious loyalty, the unwavering pride, the boundless love that fueled my weary body—and they, in their grief, breathed it in. In that sacred, silent moment, the space between us dissolved. The line separating my love for them and their love for me vanished. It all became one. There is no "here" and "there" anymore. There is only… us. I am the sudden memory of chicken that makes him smile through his tears. I am the phantom weight of my head on his neck when he feels alone. I am the instinct that will tell him he is safe, a low, steady growl in his soul. The guardian did not die. The guardian simply went home. He will think he is mourning a memory, but he will be living a presence. My love is not something they have lost; it is the quiet, unbreakable strength they now find in their own hearts. And when they walk out into the world, they will not walk alone -I will never let them. They each will walk with the courage of two hearts, beating as one. Forever. Our walk isn't over. It has just begun. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit empathynode.substack.com [https://empathynode.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1]

No More Missing Files

The low, steady hum of the air conditioning and murmur of the distant crowd is my prelude. A sound I’ve come to associate with a specific kind of peace, a quiet readiness. Forty. This is the fortieth time I’ve stood here, in the cool, engineered dark, watching the final checks on the jumbotron. The scent of ozone, thousands of flowers, and old dust is the same. The nervous energy seeping through the curtains from the arena, that’s the same, too. Only I am different. Fifteen years ago, I sat out there, under the glare of lights that felt accusatory. My gown was a dead weight. That morning, a single headline on my phone screen had shattered my world: Senate Fails to Pass DREAM Act. A future, erased. The piece of paper I was about to receive felt like a taunt, a key to a house that had just been padlocked from the inside. I remember thinking, with a clarity that terrified me, that I just wanted it all to stop. The sadness was so intense, I wanted everything to end. The universe wasn’t done. A few weeks later, desperate to find some proof that the day had meant something, I tried to find the recording of my ceremony. There were three that day. Mine was the only one that was gone. “A technical glitch,” they said, with an apologetic shrug. “The file was corrupted. Unrecoverable.” So not only was my future erased, but my past was, too. The one moment of public acknowledgment for years of struggle, vanished. An echo that left no sound. That erasure became my mission. When I started here, I was a frantic one-man band, phone in hand, trying to capture every smile, every tearful hug. I was trying to save their memories because mine was lost to the void. When Facebook rolled out live video, I fought for us to be in the beta. We had to build a system that wouldn't fail. My team grew. The frantic running became calm coordination. Now, I oversee the entire digital ecosystem—the streams, the comments, the archives. During my own master's graduation a few years back, standing like them in my own cap and gown, I felt my phone buzz. A desperate WhatsApp from the video production manager: “Main feed is stuttering!” I remember my heart seizing. I handed my program and mini-fan to a startled stagehand, my thumbs flying across the screen, troubleshooting the problem. I fixed it, then jogged to my seat just as my row was called. I had to secure the archive before I could let myself be in it. I look at the monitors now, at the river of comments scrolling by from families across the world. I see my team, a symphony of quiet diligence, guarding this experience. And the ghost of that old ache, the one that hollowed me out fifteen years ago… it’s still here. It never truly leaves. Actually, I think this is why I cry every single time we start playing Pomp and Circumstance. But my heart doesn’t beat with that old despair anymore. It beats with this strange, holy, protective fierceness for thousands of people I will never know. This isn’t a job. It is a calling. It is the sacred, silent vow of a ghost who was once lost in the machine, who now dedicates his life to ensuring that the machine never, ever fails another soul. It is the quiet, defiant act of forging an anchor for their memory, so that no matter how adrift the world makes them feel, they can always find their way back to this moment, to this proof that they were here. That they mattered. That they get to keep their beginning, radiant and indelible, safe from the void, forever. My mission is to ensure that for every single one of these students, this sacred moment is not just seen, but saved. Indelible. A light that can never be corrupted, never be erased. This has become my faith. That in the great, ever-expanding archive of human hope, there will be no more missing files. Not on my watch. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit empathynode.substack.com [https://empathynode.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1]

A Feast in the Time of Fear

I can still see her face, that soft glow in her eyes cutting through the chill of a world unraveling. It was March 13, 2020, and we’d been walking the Camino de Santiago—my family and I—chasing some whisper of meaning along those ancient trails. But meaning twisted into survival when we reached one of the loneliest stretches of Spain. The news hit like a gust: coronavirus spreading, businesses shuttering, panic tightening its grip. The Spanish government had just ordered everything closed—shops, restaurants, albergues—everything. Yet the orders were a mess, muddled and conflicting. One village shouted stay put, the next urged move on. We were stranded, miles from anywhere, our packs heavy, our stomachs hollow. We needed food, just enough to reach a town with a bus, a way out. The dust clung to my boots as we trudged through a tiny cluster of houses, the silence oppressive—not peace, but fear holding its breath. Signs glared from shop doors: Cerrado. Windows shut tight, streets deserted. The world was locking up, and we were slipping through the cracks. Then there she was, standing outside her home. Carmen. Her presence a flicker of light in the dusk. We must’ve looked desperate, because she called out, her voice warm, unguarded. I hesitated, my throat dry as I explained we were searching for something to eat, anything to keep going. I braced for rejection, for doors to stay closed like everywhere else. But she didn’t flinch. She swung open her albergue—her sanctuary—when the world was slamming shut. The smell hit me first: ribs roasting, Favada simmering, rich and earthy. She laid out a feast—plates piled high—and I sat there, fork trembling, feeling the weight lift with every bite. Relief washed over me, warm and sharp, but guilt gnawed too. Why us? Why now, when she was risking so much? I glanced at her, searching for the fear she must’ve felt, wondering what it cost her to let us in. She didn’t speak of the virus, but her hands moved with quiet resolve, like she’d decided kindness outweighed the consequences. Then I heard it—her voice, hushed, slipping through the kitchen door. She was on the phone, words tumbling fast, her tone taut. “Sí, lo sé… la orden del gobierno… multas, tal vez más…” I pieced it together: the government’s orders, the threat of fines, maybe worse—sanctions from local authorities breathing down her neck. My chest tightened. She wasn’t just risking her health; she was defying the law, her livelihood, her safety, all for strangers. “Están hambrientos, solos…” she said—they’re hungry, alone. Her heart was bigger than the fear, bigger than the rules. I wanted to stand, to tell her we’d manage, that she didn’t have to do this—but my legs stayed rooted, pinned by gratitude and shame. She returned, her face calm, but I saw it now: the worry flickering in her eyes, the smile that didn’t quite reach them. She was scared, like us, yet she chose to reach out. That meal wasn’t just sustenance—it was strength to keep walking, to find a bus, a plane, a way home. But it was more. It was a quiet, unshakable lesson in courage, in humanity, when the world seemed to forget both. Three years later, I went back. I’d rehearsed it—the words I’d say, how I’d tell her her bravery had sewn itself into me, held us up when everything crumbled. I pictured her smile, maybe softer with age, still radiant. But her daughter met me instead. A look, a gentle shake of her head, and I knew. She was gone. The air vanished from my lungs, and I stood there, clutching a thank-you I’d waited too long to deliver. Now, with this letter she’ll never read, I keep asking—did she know? Did she feel how her kindness rippled, how it carried us? I trace her memory—the laugh, the clink of plates, the warmth of that room—and I wonder what it cost her to open that door. I think of my own hesitations, the times I’ve held back, afraid of losing something. She didn’t. Her heart was bigger, and that’s lodged deep, a challenge I can’t ignore. But it’s not just a memory—it’s a call. I’ve started looking for ways to be brave like her, to reach out when it’s easier to retreat. Last week, I saw a man on the street, his sign begging for food. I nearly kept walking, but her face flashed in my mind. I stopped, bought him a meal, sat with him. It wasn’t grand, but it was something. And in that moment, I felt her—her spirit, her heart—still alive, guiding me. I imagine her somewhere bright, her spirit free, watching the paths she helped us walk. I can’t say thank you the way I planned, but I feel it—pouring into this letter, into the way I see strangers now, seeking that same spark of grace. She taught me what I didn’t know I needed: that even when fear grips tight, there’s power in sharing what little you have. We’re all connected. her hand stretched to us, and now mine stretches too, because of her. So, thank you, Carmen—wherever you are. You fed us, yes, but you gave more. You showed me how to be brave, how to be kind, how to be human when the world forgets. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit empathynode.substack.com [https://empathynode.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1]

A Picture of Everything

It’s funny, isn’t it? How something you’ve never seen can still feel like a ghost limb. Like an ache in a place you can’t quite locate, but you know, you know something’s missing. For as long as I can remember, it’s been like that. A gap. A silence whenever the word ‘dad’ floated into the air – from TV shows, from friends talking about weekend trips, from those Father’s Day commercials that always felt like a subtle kind of…mockery. Mom just… wouldn’t. Wouldn’t talk. Wouldn't explain. Just a tight set to her jaw, a dismissive wave of her hand, and then silence. A silence thicker than any wall. She’d said he was gone. Died. A long time ago, even before I was really aware of things. And for years, that’s all there was. A closed door. A locked room in the house of my life. And you don’t push, not really, when you see that kind of pain flicker in someone’s eyes. You learn to tiptoe around it. To accept the shape of your world as it is, even if it feels…incomplete. I guess part of me always just filed it away. ‘No dad, story over.’ But underneath, a little seedling of ‘but…?’ always managed to sprout. Who was he? What did he look like? Was there a flicker of me in him? Or was I just… me? An island, unconnected. Then that ancestry thing. Just a whim, really. Curiosity, maybe. Spit in a tube, send it off, forget about it. Until the email popped up. ‘Close relative match.’ A cousin. Third cousin, twice removed, something like that. Didn’t really matter the degree, just…cousin. On that side. The side that was supposed to be a blank. Messages back and forth. Hesitant at first. Like we were both afraid to touch something fragile. Then, slowly, stories started to unfurl. Grandparents, great-grandparents… familiar names from Mom’s rare, whispered mentions of family. And then… it. Casual, almost throwaway. “Oh, yeah, I have some old family photos, somewhere. Let me see…” Days went by. Days that stretched out, filled with this quiet, trembling anticipation I couldn’t quite name. Hope? Nervousness? A weird kind of… reverence? It felt almost sacrilegious to want this, to dig into this closed-off part of Mom’s life. But the wanting was there, a deep, insistent thrumming. Then another message. “Found it! It’s not great quality, faded a bit, but… here he is.” A file attached. I stared at it. Just a thumbnail image. Grainy, indistinct. My heart… suddenly, it’s hammering. Louder than I expected. Louder than anything should be for just… a picture. I almost didn’t click. Almost closed the laptop. What if it was… nothing? What if it was just some blurry face that meant nothing, changed nothing? What if it just made the ache worse? But my finger moved. Mouse clicked. Image opened. Slowly, it loaded. Line by line, the pixels resolving, forming… a face. And… oh. It’s him. It has to be. Even faded, even in the distance of time and technology, there’s… a recognition. Not a memory, because there are no memories. But something deeper. Something in the shape of his eyes, the set of his jaw… a faint, almost ghostly echo of…me. He’s younger than I am now, in the picture. Smiling, a little crookedly. Looking off to the side, as if someone just said something funny. He’s… real. Solid. Not a ghost, not a story, not a silence. A person. My person. And it’s… mundane, isn’t it? Just a picture. Just a man, smiling. But it’s shattering. Shattering the years of… nothing. Of absence. Of that locked room in my heart. I trace the lines of his face on the screen with my finger. The curve of his eyebrow, the faint lines around his eyes that hint at laughter, at living. And it hits me, with this quiet force, that he was real. He existed. Not just in some abstract idea of ‘father,’ but as a person. A man who laughed, who smiled, who… was. And I am… connected. Suddenly, that feeling of being an island recedes. There’s a continent. A landmass. A root system that stretches back, back further than I ever knew. It’s not just Mom and me, adrift. There’s… him. There was him. And somehow, inexplicably, that ‘was’ transforms into an ‘is.’ I’m looking at my own face, reflected back across time, across mystery. I see… me. But I also see… him. And in that seeing, something clicks into place. Something that was loose, untethered, suddenly… finds its anchor. It’s not about blame, or anger, or even understanding the ‘why’ of it all, not right now. It’s just… seeing. Recognizing. Being seen. Being recognized. Feeling… real. For the first time, truly real. Like I was always half a drawing, and now someone’s finally filled in the missing lines. Colored me in. Made me whole. It’s just a picture. But it’s everything. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit empathynode.substack.com [https://empathynode.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1]