The Fan in the Window: Interrupting What We Inherit

The Illusion of Control

There is someone in your life you love deeply who is struggling. And you know things that could help. You can see the path forward. Every instinct you have says — do something. Fix it. You know how. And you have to let them find it themselves. That tension — between knowing and releasing, between loving and controlling — is what this episode is about. Not because control makes you a bad person. But because the need for control has a history. And understanding that history is the first step toward loosening the grip. In this episode I cover: Where the need for control actually comes from — and why for most of us it has nothing to do with power and everything to do with safety How control shows up in unexpected places — the home, the food, the routines, the children's struggles — and what all of those have in common My mother's kitchen — the rigid routines I hated growing up, what I now understand about why they existed, and how I took on my own version of control in different domains What over-fixing actually teaches children — and why productive struggle is not the enemy of healthy development, it is the mechanism of it Learned helplessness — what researcher Martin Seligman found happens when children are repeatedly rescued from challenge, and what that costs them as adults The honest reckoning — what I did for my children, what I now see as the cost, and what stepping back looks like even now Three generations of control slowly loosening — and what it means to trust the next generation to find their own way The difference between control and safety — and why one is an illusion and the other is the actual work of healingThis episode closes with a box breathing practice — because box breathing is itself an act of choosing what you can actually control. Your breath. The count. The pause. Nothing else. That is the whole metaphor of the episode lived in the body. CONTENT NOTE This post discusses trauma, family systems, and emotional healing. If anything here brings up strong feelings or memories, please take care of yourself and reach out for support. In the U.S., you can call or text 988 toreach the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline — free, confidential, 24/7. If you are outside the U.S., international crisis resources are available at findahelpline.com. You do not have to navigate this alone.   ABOUT THE SHOW The Fan in the Window: Interrupting What We Inherit is hosted by Tressa L. Bell, MBA, BSN, RN — author, podcaster, registered nurse, and former forensic nurse. This podcast is about trauma, nervous systems, generationalpatterns, and the complicated, imperfect work of healing. Each episode blends personal story with research-backed frameworks to help you recognize and interrupt what you inherited — so the next generation doesn't have to carry ittoo. This didn't start with you…but you can interrupt it.   GET THE BOOK 📖 The Fan in the Window: How We Inherit Trauma — And How We Interrupt It. Available now on Amazon → amazon.com/author/tressalbell. A companion self-help book is also in the works. Stay connected for updates.   FOLLOW TRESSA 🌐 Website: thefaninthewindow.com 📸 Instagram: @tressalbell 👤 Facebook: tressalbell 🎵 TikTok: @tressalbell ▶️ YouTube: tressalbell 🐦 X / Twitter:@tressalbell39905 📩 Substack: tressalbell.substack.com 💼 LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/tressa-l-bell-31830440a   LISTEN & SUBSCRIBE 🎙️ Apple Podcasts 🎙️ Spotify 🎙️ iHeart Radio 🎙️ YouTube 🎙️ Substack New episodes every Tuesday. If this episode resonated, please leave a review on ApplePodcasts — it takes less than two minutes and helps new listeners find the show.   DISCLAIMER This post is not therapy, medical advice, or psychological treatment. Tressa L. Bell is not your therapist. Content is for educational and informational purposes only. Please seek professional support if you are experiencing amental health crisis. This didn't start with you…but you can interrupt it. 🪟

Episode 10: Survival Mode Parenting

You loved your children. That has never been in question. But love and presence are not the same thing. And there are seasons of parenting where survival takes everything you have — leaving very little for the kind of presence your children needed and deserved. This episode is about that season. What it looks like from the inside. What your children are absorbing, even when you don't realize it. And what becomes possible when the crisis finally ends. In this episode, I cover: * What survival mode actually is physiologically — and why it shuts down the very things parenting requires * What hypervigilance looks like as a parenting posture — and the message it sends to children without a single word spoken * The difference between a child stepping up and a child acting out — and why both are the same overwhelmed nervous system communicating the same thing * The loneliness of performing normalcy when nothing is normal — and how your children absorb that isolation too * What changes after leaving — and why a different survival mode is still survival mode * The grief of seeing your adult children carry what they absorbed — and how to hold that without letting it become a verdict * What becomes possible for a parent whose nervous system is finally no longer in crisis * A letter to the mother I was — and an invitation for you to receive it for yourself This episode also includes a grounding practice and closes with what I believe is the most important reframe in all of this work: Your healing is their inheritance. Not the trauma. The healing. That is the interruption. CONTENT NOTEThis post discusses trauma, family systems, and emotional healing. If anything here brings up strong feelings or memories, please take care of yourself and reach out for support. In the U.S., you can call or text 988 to reach the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline — free, confidential, 24/7. If you are outside the U.S., international crisis resources are available at findahelpline.com. You do not have to navigate this alone. ABOUT THE SHOWThe Fan in the Window: Interrupting What We Inherit is hosted by Tressa L. Bell, MBA, BSN, RN — author, podcaster, registered nurse, and former forensic nurse. This podcast is about trauma, nervous systems, generational patterns, and the complicated, imperfect work of healing. Each episode blends personal story with research-backed frameworks to help you recognize and interrupt what you inherited — so the next generation doesn't have to carry it too. This didn't start with you…but you can interrupt it. GET THE BOOK📖 The Fan in the Window: How We Inherit Trauma — And How We Interrupt ItAvailable now on Amazon → amazon.com/author/tressalbellA companion self-help book is also in the works. Stay connected for updates. FOLLOW TRESSA🌐 Website: thefaninthewindow.com📸 Instagram: @tressalbell👤 Facebook: tressalbell🎵 TikTok: @tressalbell▶️ YouTube: tressalbell🐦 X / Twitter: @tressalbell39905📩 Substack: tressalbell.substack.com LISTEN & SUBSCRIBE🎙️ Apple Podcasts 🎙️ Spotify 🎙️ iHeart Radio 🎙️ YouTube 🎙️ SubstackNew episodes every Tuesday. If this episode resonated, please leave a review on Apple Podcasts — it takes less than two minutes and helps new listeners find the show. DISCLAIMERThis post is not therapy, medical advice, or psychological treatment. Tressa L. Bell is not your therapist. Content is for educational and informational purposes only. Please seek professional support if you are experiencing a mental health crisis.

The Body Remembers What the Mind Forgets

You've done the work. The therapy. The reading. The healing. You've built language for what happened, found forgiveness, made peace with things you couldn't change. And you still jump when a door slams. That is not a failure of healing. That is your nervous system doing the job it was assigned a very long time ago — and nobody told it the threat was over. In this episode, I go underneath the mind work and into the body. Because trauma is not stored as a story you can retrieve and resolve. It is stored as sensation. As muscle tension. As a heart that races before a single thought arrives. And until we understand that, we will keep wondering why we are still reacting to things that should no longer have power over us. In this episode, I cover: * What dissociation actually is — and why it is not weakness * What I did to survive years of domestic violence, which I am still making peace with * What I recognized in every survivor I sat with as a forensic nurse — and what it cost me to not be able to fix it * Why the startle response lives in the body long after the mind has moved on * What the research of van der Kolk, Porges, and Levine tells us about why healing has to happen at the level of the nervous system — not just the mind This episode also includes a body-based grounding practice to help your nervous system learn what your mind already knows. Your body kept you safe. Now we help it rest. REFERENCES van der Kolk, B. — The Body Keeps the ScoreKey concept: Trauma is stored as sensation, not narrative. The body holds what the mind cannot fully process.  Porges, S. — The Polyvagal Theory  Key concept: Neuroception — the nervous system’s automaticthreat-detection system that operates beneath conscious awareness.  Levine, P. — Waking the Tiger: Healing TraumaKey concept: Somatic Experiencing — the incomplete discharge of threat energy and how the body holds unresolved survival responses. Walker, L. E. — The Battered Woman SyndromeKey concept: Impression management in domestic violence survivors — the protective curation of a public self CONTENT NOTE This post discusses trauma, family systems, and emotional healing. If anything here brings up strong feelings or memories, please take care of yourself and reach out for support. In the U.S., you can call or text 988 to reach the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline — free, confidential, 24/7. If you are outside the U.S., international crisis resources are available at findahelpline.com. You do not have to navigate this alone. ABOUT THE SHOW The Fan in the Window: Interrupting What We Inherit is hosted by Tressa L. Bell, MBA, BSN, RN — author, podcaster, registered nurse, and former forensic nurse.This podcast is about trauma, nervous systems, generational patterns, and the complicated, imperfect work of healing. Each episode blends personal story with research-backed frameworks to help you recognize and interrupt what you inherited — so the next generation doesn't have to carry it too.This didn't start with you…but you can interrupt it. GET THE BOOK📖 The Fan in the Window: How We Inherit Trauma — And How We Interrupt ItAvailable now on Amazon → amazon.com/author/tressalbellA companion self-help book is also in the works. Stay connected for updates. FOLLOW TRESSA 🌐 Website: thefaninthewindow.com📸 Instagram: @tressalbell👤 Facebook: tressalbell🎵 TikTok: @tressalbell▶️ YouTube: tressalbell🐦 X / Twitter: @tressalbell39905📩 Substack: tressalbell.substack.com LISTEN & SUBSCRIBE🎙️Apple Podcasts🎙️ Spotify🎙️ iHeart Radio🎙️ YouTube🎙️ Substack New episodes every Tuesday. If this episode resonated, please leave a review on Apple Podcasts — it takes less than two minutes and helps new listeners find the show. DISCLAIMER This post is not therapy, medical advice, or psychological treatment. Tressa L. Bell is not your therapist. Content is for educational and informational purposes only. This didn't start with you…but you can interrupt it. 🪟

When Mothers Apologize: Repair, Accountability, and What to Do When It Never Comes

Tressa Bell introduces a Mother’s Day episode of The Fan inthe Window: Interrupting What We Inherit focused on the complexity of maternal relationships, including grief, estrangement, and mixed feelings, and clarifies the show is not therapy while providing crisis resources. She explores generational patterns of harm and distinguishes between an apology and a “real apology,” drawing on Harriet Lerner’s ideas: a real apology names the harm specifically, avoids “but” and explanations, doesn’t demand forgiveness or reassurance, allows time, and is supported by changed behavior. Bell shares an example of repeating a hurtful name with her daughter and returning to repair as part of interrupting inherited patterns. She also addresses ambiguous loss (Pauline Boss) for those whose mothers never apologized and offers reflective questions and a brief grounding practice about being seen and deserving repair.   00:00 Mothers Day Is Complicated 02:30 Holding Mixed Feelings 03:46 Generational Wounds Travel 05:44 What Makes Apologies Real 07:01 How To Apologize Well 10:07 When Apologies Fall Flat 12:00 Receiving An Apology 13:58 When No Apology Comes 16:52 Modeling Repair Forward 18:58 Reflection And Grounding 22:02 Closing And Next Steps CONTENT NOTE This podcast discusses trauma, family systems, grief, and emotional healing. If anything in this episode brings up strong feelings or memories, please take care of yourself and reach out for support.  In the U.S., you can call or text 988 to reach the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline — free, confidential, 24/7. If you are outside the U.S., international crisis resources are available at findahelpline.com [http://findahelpline.com].  You do not have to navigate this alone.   ABOUT THE SHOW The Fan in the Window: Interrupting What We Inherit is hosted by Tressa L. Bell, MBA, BSN, RN — author, podcaster, registered nurse, and former forensic nurse.  This podcast is about trauma, nervous systems, generational patterns, and the complicated, imperfect work of healing. Each episode blends personal story with research-backed frameworks to help you recognize and interrupt what youinherited — so the next generation doesn’t have to carry it too.  This didn’t start with you…but you can interrupt it.   GET THE BOOK  📖  The Fan in the Window: How We Inherit Trauma — And How We Interrupt It Available now on Amazon → amazon.com/author/tressalbell [https://amazon.com/author/tressalbell] A companion self-help book is also in the works. Stay connected for updates. FOLLOW TRESSA 🌐  Website: thefaninthewindow.com [http://thefaninthewindow.com] 📸  Instagram: @tressalbell 👤  Facebook: tressalbell 🎵  TikTok: @tressalbell ▶️  YouTube: tressalbell 🐦  X/ Twitter: @tressalbell39905 📩  Substack: tressalbell.substack.com [http://tressalbell.substack.com]   LISTEN & SUBSCRIBE  🎤  Apple Podcasts 🎤  Spotify 🎤  iHeart Radio 🎤  YouTube 🎤  Substack   New episodes every Tuesday. If this episode resonated, please leave a review on Apple Podcasts — it takes less than two minutes and helps new listeners find the show.   DISCLAIMER  This podcast is not therapy, medical advice, or psychological treatment. Tressa L. Bell is not your therapist. Content is for educational and informational purposes only. Please seek professional support if you are experiencing a mental health crisis.   The Fan in the Window: Interrupting What We Inherit Hosted by Tressa L. Bell, MBA, BSN, RN thefaninthewindow.com [http://thefaninthewindow.com]  |  My Sweet Nurse Life, LLC This didn’t start with you…but you can interrupt it!

The Grief of Losing a Role

Tressa Bell introduces her podcast, The Fan in the Window:Interrupting What We Inherit, explaining how surgery created the stillness that led her to build a book, podcast, business, and platform rooted in her frustration that it took until age 50 to understand what happened to her at five. In this episode, “The Grief of Losing a Role,” she explores howfamily-system roles formed in chaos become identity, and why stepping out of them brings grief, confusion, and relief at once. Sharing a childhood moment of learning her father wasn’t biological, she connects role-based identity tosurvival, nervous systems, and generational patterns. She reflects on smoothing over her mother’s deathbed apology, defines forgiveness as the absence of anger, and offers grounding, journaling prompts, and the idea that healing is“the accumulation of Tuesdays,” with a preview of an upcoming episode about mothers’ apologies.   Learn more at thefaninthewindow.com [http://www.thefaninthewindow.com/].Grab the book at http://www.amazon.com/author/tressalbell [http://www.amazon.com/author/tressalbell]. The podcast is available anywhere you listen, new episodes drop every Tuesday. Follow Tressa on Instagram, Facebook, TikTok, and YouTube.   00:00 Why Now 01:26 Podcast Mission 01:45 Episode Setup 02:18 Listener Safety Note 03:18 Grieving A Role 04:20 The Girl At Window 05:55 When Roles Become Identity 06:52 What The Role Cost 08:23 Role Relief Begins 09:39 Grief Beyond Death 10:47 Mother Deathbed Moment 12:43 Redefining Forgiveness 14:31 Grief And Relief Together 16:01 Surviving Versus Healing 17:46 You Are Not Late 19:17 Weekly Reflection Prompt 20:26 Grounding Exercise 22:04 Healing Is Tuesdays 23:15 Next Episode And Resources 24:23 Closing Message If you need support:In the United States, you can call or text 988 to reach theSuicide and Crisis Lifeline—available 24/7, free, and confidential. Outside the U.S., visit ⁠findahelpline.com⁠ [https://findahelpline.com/] for international mental‑health hotlines and crisis services in your region. This didn’t start with you…but you can interrupt it!