The Gonarch's Lair and Off-Planet podcasts

Off-Planet transmission 016: soccer_oscars_dynasty

016: soccer_oscars_dynasty Soccer holds unrivalled notoriety on Earth, it is so popular that even we are familiar, with pockets of fans watching reruns of old matches via their Inter-dimensional Communication Array. I have never understood the appeal, however subject A’s ideas for revamping the game certainly piqued my interest. Dynamism and astonishment being the unique selling points: his concepts may seem uncoventional, verging on immoral even, and have to be heard to be believed. Some suggestions make perfect sense and would go some way to improve our worlds most popular sport, if only by increasing each matches bodycount. The inmates move on to share their contentious opinions of film and screen award ceremonies: celebrations of their planets most creative and talented citizens working in the movie industry. They break down the background politics and formulas for success that usually resulted in receiving this coveted prize. Their opinions on the concept are intensely bitter, ironic considering the way they act as though each aren’t moments aware from committing interstellar homicide against the other is truly Oscar-worthy. Our voyagers end by discussing family dynasties, with subject B asking A which famous Earth family he would like to have been a member of. They discover that blood isn’t always thicker than water while considering what these titans of influence brought to society, and debate whether power and wealth or love and stability form the most stable family unit. Admittedly, due to the onerous amount of time I have spent observing these miscreants, I cannot help the growing feeling I am minding some estranged and mutated relatives. When comes the time to bring this experiment to a close however, I will recall my training and terminate them efficiently without allowing emotion to cloud my judgement. I will carry out my duty, regardless of how fond of them I have become. Signed, An Observer Intermission: Crystal Creek by rwlr

Off-Planet transmission 015: wrath_extrusion_cartoons

015: wrath_extrusion_cartoons It was a tempestuous start to the latest meeting between our subjects, the origin of the anger was not divulged but we were given some insight into how the pair process such emotion. Mostly this involves the destruction of inanimate objects, such as stationary and gaming peripherals, a rather primal and futile coping mechanism. They would do well to adopt our strategy for anger management: absolute and total annihilation of the nearest innocent civilisation. The tourists turned their attention to crisps: a salty, non-nutritive snack made from ingredients including potato, maize and corn. They were formed into creative shapes, were available in a multitude of flavours, and appear to have been an integral part of human subculture. Processing and reforming food to be aesthetically appetising by resembling their natural state as little as possible was normal practice for humans. It’s unthinkable to me that so much effort would go into changing the appearance of something you are to consume, my simple rule has always been: no face, no feast! The cartoons of their childhood became the final topic of conversation, primarily the problematic nature of the characters and themes. Violence and conflict was prevalent in most of them, as though they were intentionally preparing their children for an inevitable lifetime of pain and suffering. In hindsight this was rather fortuitous, given the bloody and chaotic end their civilisation met. They closed with a disagreement around adaptations and rule changes in sports, with subject B teasing some ideas he once had to improve the overwhelmingly popular game of soccer. Disappointingly he did not share further in this encounter, but I have a very strong feeling we will hear more of his proposals during the next session. Signed, An Observer Intermission: Ether by Martian Hertz

Off-Planet transmission 014: beards_records_superstition

014: beards_records_superstition   Subject A has experienced a period of boredom, forcing him to seek new ways of occupying himself in the pod. To maintain our mandate, we have not provided any additional forms of entertainment, which appears to have inspired his creative side.    We have witnessed examples of vanity many times during our multiple trials, the current detainees experimenting with different styles of facial hair is yet another. Some of the designs represent major historical and political significance, but no matter the esteem or stigma they held, all were ultimately regrettable.   They moved on to discuss world records, specifically the bizarre challenges humans set for themselves that were recognised by an organisation named ‘Guinness’. Apparently they also produced a delicious alcoholic beverage, perhaps we could synthesise and sample it at our next team building day?   These record attempts help illustrate the reckless and wasteful nature of their species: carrying out absurd activities that push the limits of human endurance and decency, often resulting in serious injury and death, or even worse, irredeemable embarrassment.    A thoughtful conversation around superstitions followed, probing the origins and cultural significance of assigning intention to coincidence. They study superstitious behaviour in sport, religion and tradition, then theorise about causes including mental illness, social bias and environmental stimulants. This phenomenon is not something our kind have suffered from: the concept of not having complete and utter control over our destiny is entirely alien to us, the illogical notion of any external influence deciding our fate could cause the majority of our population to simply cease operating entirely.   Subject B revealed they have been carrying out some research into the demise of humankind, in particular the specific point in their timeline that we now recognise to be their civilisations’ death throes. It would be prudent to observe this investigation to see if they draw the same conclusion as we have, and if they identify how those mistakes could have been avoided. Until this moment I hadn’t considered either of them to be candidates for establishing the first society in our ‘Earth Two’ program, but suddenly I am intrigued to discover what their hybrid spawn could achieve.    Signed, An Observer      Intermission: Branched by rwlr

Off-Planet transmission 013: reeducation_beaches_antagonists

013: reeducation_beaches_antagonists    It’s the end of term for one of our cadets, and we hear him disclose first-hand experience of our reeducation program to his compatriot: it was intriguing to witness a disarmed and honest assessment of our methods from one of the courses most mediocre students.   We commenced with subject B as he has proven to be the most easily influenced, mainly due to his unusually malleable cognitive structure. The real test will come when we begin the same process with his associate, who presents more stubborn and immovable tendencies. I pray we won’t need to employ the Masters of Torment to encourage his cooperation, historically their loss rate is disturbingly high.    The first topic of the day is beaches, and their correlation to the amount of stars in the known universe. Or more accurately, their known universe: while humanity’s scientists mapped and predicted a respectable portion of the void, they imparted a largely degraded knowledge of spacetime upon our patients.    The participants comment on types of beaches, the natural processes that create them, and the various materials they are constituted from. The beaches on the planet we currently call home are supplemented with the ground bones of our latest enemies, due to it being the ideal exfoliant for our movement membranes.    I believe the inspiration for the second subject they discussed was drawn from their first encounter with our species: which popular movie franchise killer would they choose to attempt to survive against for the duration of one Earth day? This quickly goes awry as they both attempt to find loopholes in the quiz, with claims they could actually become the aggressor in this inevitably fatal scenario. Once again they both demonstrate their rebellious nature, something our rehabilitation process has thus far failed to quash.  One of the pair raises a popular conspiracy theory regarding humanity’s first mission to land on the Moon, the nearest natural satellite to Earth. If only they were aware of how integral the organic material their astronauts left behind was to us locating their planet, they wouldn’t question the legitimacy of mankind’s greatest achievement.  Signed, An Observer Intermission: Broken Booster by rwlr

Off-Planet transmission 012: identity_unicorns_stingers

012: identity_unicorns_stingers   Subject B skipped the pleasantries at the start of todays meeting, opting instead to interrogate his counterpart on their knowledge of antique-based reality television. His intention behind the line of questioning was not to explore the worth of humanitys lost or forgotten junk, rather to identify the masks they surreptitiously wore whilst desperately attempting to blend in to or stand out from a crowd.   The desire for individualism appears to have been endemic in human society, a desperation to avoid anonymity was ingrained in the fibre of their being. The irony of course, is that those who traditionally stood out least have ultimately become the most unique.    They quickly move on to talk of mythical beasts and creatures of legend, those born only in the imagination of storytellers. Principally they discussed the unicorn: a powerful, single-horned equid of indeterminate loyalty. If I were human I would finish this description with the punchline, ‘but enough about my mother-in-law!’. However, I am not, so I shan’t.   Which brings us nicely to the final topic for today: aging comedy tropes and sitcom stingers. Both topics are incredibly triggering for our participants, eliciting visceral reactions and candid takes on outdated humour, canned laughter, and stand-up comics.   During the conversation, our passengers inadvertently gave further insight into the final days of their home world. With every meeting we are getting closer to uncovering the truth behind the fate of Earth, and the part they played in it.   A throwaway comment from one of the candidates inspired a potential solution to our current fiscal challenges: distribute the recorded sessions in the form of a monetised ‘podcast’ and use the proceeds to help fund the project. Personally, I find the concept of listening to faceless voices prattling aimlessly for hours-on-end torturous, but these asinine ramblings are readymade for this bizarrely popular audio medium. And let’s be frank, if we want to be serious about continuing to finance this endeavour we simply must diversify.       Signed,   An Observer     Intermission: Crystal Clouds by rwlr