The Hokey Holiday Review

"Say YAAASSSSSS"

Let’s talk about New Year’s Resolutions. Sorry…I think they are called goals now? Does anyone ever actually follow their resolutions..sorry..goals? Who even decided that every new year comes with resolutions (FUCK…GOALS)? Who decided that at the beginning of every new year everyone needs to do better? Why do we need to be better? Am I not good enough? Am I not funny enough? Or pretty enough? Or talented enough? We’ve already been through SO much bullshit in the year that’s ending….we are going to go through SO much bullshit this year….why pile on resolutions we are going to give up in February. SHIT. THEY ARE CALLED GOALS. How many of you sons of bitches signed up for a gym membership that you’re not going to use for at least 11 of the 12 months of the year? See, this is silly! It’s time for us to take a stand! Down with the resolutions! Down with the goals! And while we are at it DOWN WITH THE PATRIARCHY! ANARCHY! ANARCHY! ANARCHY! Do not have aspirations, or dreams, or goals. Just keep living your mediocre life in your mediocre body with your mediocre job. What I’m trying to say is that you should just keep sucking at everything for another 365 days. As someone wise once told me….”None of this matters and then you die!” Wait…that was a little dark. Let’s walk it back. I’m just saying that these days we live through are hard enough and we don’t need the added pressure to accomplish something new when we can barely tie our shoes every day. Sometimes, we’re just doing our best. SOOO….I decline to have resolutions this year. I say NO MORE RESOLUTIONS! OR GOALS! OR WHATEVER! Wait…shit…by not having resolutions is that in and of itself a resolution? Is there no way out of having a resolution? Ahhhh, fuck. I’ll try again next year. Here at The Hokey Holiday Review, we make fun of your favorite cheesy holiday movies! Don’t get it twisty-turny, we love us some good ol’ fashioned holiday magic! But come on, the amount of cheese served in these things warrants, like, a whole bus of Tostito’s Scoops, know what I’m saying? We’re judgy, we’re goofy, we’re here to have a good time! Kick back, put your laughing pants on (or no pants, we support it!), and let’s get hokey!

"A Very RIPPED Christmas" w/ Alissa Adair

Hell Yeah, Brother! Hulk Hogan and Christmas just go together, you know? When I think of Christmas, I think of Hulk Hogan. When I think of Santa, I think of a massively ripped and handsomely tanned WWE superstar. Don’t you? No? Well obviously someone does, because someone else entirely picked this movie for us. Who would do such a thing, you ask? Obviously someone that gets us and knows us so perfectly well that they knew we would just eat this one up! The movie, that is. Not Hulk Hogan. Just to clarify. That person is our very dear friend and baby buddy, Alissa, who happened to be in town all the way from LA for Christmas and to be our very first guest ever! We gave her dibs on picking the movie and within about 30 seconds, she delivered this absolute doozy of a movie! It’s the worst movie in the absolute best way. I didn’t know I needed this movie in my life to deliciously hate in the most fun ways. I’m better for the rest of my life having seen this movie. It’s jam packed, jacked, and swole to the brim with so many things to rip on, all puns fully intended! Alissa’s choice did not disappoint and she accepts your thanks in advance. Here at The Hokey Holiday Review, we make fun of your favorite cheesy holiday movies! Don’t get it twisty-turny, we love us some good ol’ fashioned holiday magic! But come on, the amount of cheese served in these things warrants, like, a whole bus of Tostito’s Scoops, know what I’m saying? We’re judgy, we’re goofy, we’re here to have a good time! Kick back, put your laughing pants on (or no pants, we support it!), and let’s get hokey!

"We Forgot To Name This One"

Is there anyone out there that has experienced amnesia and can tell us about it? Are you a doctor that can tell us about amnesia and how it works? If you answered yes to the second one, I forgot the question, but you have to be licensed with a real doctorate, not cousin Joe’s neighbor’s shady brother-in-law that “practices medicine” in his dungeon basement that has suspicious stains and murky jars that are sitting just too far out of the light for you to see what’s in them. However, considering how ridiculous these medical professionals are, we may trust them even less than cousin Joe’s neighbor’s shady brother-in-law that “practices medicine” in his dun- wait a minute, this seems familiar, did I already say this? Whatever, I can’t remember. Anyway, where was I? What were we talking about? The American healthcare system? I don’t know, I guess I forgot.   Lindsay is back and we’re loving her re-glow up! Welcome back sista-friend! If you got beef with my girl, please @ me so I can roast you third-grade girl-fight after-school-on-the-playground style. If you don’t think that’s a real style of fighting, fuck around and find out, I’m feeling fiesty! Here at The Hokey Holiday Review, we make fun of your favorite cheesy holiday movies! Don’t get it twisty-turny, we love us some good ol’ fashioned holiday magic! But come on, the amount of cheese served in these things warrants, like, a whole bus of Tostito’s Scoops, know what I’m saying? We’re judgy, we’re goofy, we’re here to have a good time! Kick back, put your laughing pants on (or no pants, we support it!), and let’s get hokey!

"Romeo & Juliet...But Make It Pie"

Who here loves them some fucking PIE?! Dudes…pie is my muthafuckin’ JAM. In the sense that it’s awesome, not actual jam. But jam is delicious too! Has anyone ever put jam on or in a pie? I’ve never seen it, but that doesn’t mean it’s not a thing, I mean I’m pretty brilliant and somewhat cultured, but I can’t have come across everything in the world in my young life, ya know? Actually, pie filling is kind of like jam, right? It has basically all the same ingredients. But it’s called “filling” and not “jam” so maybe it’s just different enough? Actually, here in the English language, we like to pointlessly use as many words as possible to all mean the same thing, so who knows, maybe they are the same. ANYWAY, I’m basically Dean Winchester level of loving pie. If you don’t know who that is, you have 15 years of TV to catch up on. Bring a fan to cool yourself down, TRUST ME. I loved this movie because it includes some of my favorite things! Pie is one of them (as we’ve already established). The other is holding long grudges filled with petty child-like behavior. Letting bygones be bygones and leaving the water under the bridge is nice and all. But alternatively, have you tried basking in the ultimate satisfaction of never letting go of a grudge and being as petty as possible while you’re doing it? *chef’s kiss* Perfection. If you haven’t you should give it a try! Your soul will only get a little black. Don’t tell me you’ve never scraped that tiny bit of mold off your bread while telling yourself that it’s still fine to eat. It’s basically the same thing. Just take that knife and give your heart a little scrub and you’ll be right as rain! Hit that play button and let’s pie war it up! Here at The Hokey Holiday Review, we make fun of your favorite cheesy holiday movies! Don’t get it twisty-turny, we love us some good ol’ fashioned holiday magic! But come on, the amount of cheese served in these things warrants, like, a whole bus of Tostito’s Scoops, know what I’m saying? We’re judgy, we’re goofy, we’re here to have a good time! Kick back, put your laughing pants on (or no pants, we support it!), and let’s get hokey!

Christmas On Yet Another Farm

There are 3 ingredients in each cheesy, hokey, sickeningly magical Christmas holiday movie: 1. A blonde-haired, blue-eyed babe; 2. The ability to fall in love in, like, 6 hours; and 3. A FARM. Granted, not ALL of them are about farms, there’s a small few that are about bakeries and ski lodge inns, yeah. But come on, the vast majority of them are about farms. Farms are the heart of Christmas. The meaning of Christmas is farms. The reason for Christmas is farms. And it’s crazy how all of them need saving, and conveniently, only during the most magical time of year! A war on Christmas? Nah fam, it’s a war on farms! AT Christmas time ONLY. What’s this movie about? We have no idea. The title doesn’t tell us anything. Just that there’s a farm involved. No kidding? This one and every other one, am I right? We could have rolled the dice and done a probability math equation to infer that it was about a farm simply from the fact*** that 85% of cheesy holiday movies are about farms. Where’s the originality?! Not in the title. We can tell you right now, it’s not in the movie itself. You know what? They gave it to the baby cow. Don’t worry, that’ll make sense later… ***While the word “fact” was used, we don’t actually know if this is a real fact. 85% just sounds about right judging from how many cheesy holiday movies we’ve seen. No one call the percentage fact police on us, okay, we make this shit up as we go, it’s part of our wickedly talented charm. Here at The Hokey Holiday Review, we make fun of your favorite cheesy holiday movies! Don’t get it twisty-turny, we love us some good ol’ fashioned holiday magic! But come on, the amount of cheese served in these things warrants, like, a whole bus of Tostito’s Scoops, know what I’m saying? We’re judgy, we’re goofy, we’re here to have a good time! Kick back, put your laughing pants on (or no pants, we support it!), and let’s get hokey!